


Nothing More nor Less Than a Mask

by Hamliet



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Romance, Sunlit Garden, Unplanned Pregnancy, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-01-07 08:58:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 99,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12229713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hamliet/pseuds/Hamliet
Summary: Craving a place to belong in this messed-up world, Ui and Hairu try to find it in each other. When Hairu gets some shocking news, she turns to her hero, Arima, for help, only to find that he might not be able to give Hairu what she needs after all... and the secret she's keeping from Ui means that she finds herself more alone than ever. Canon divergent post-auction arc.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, and thank you for reading! This fic was started for Uihai day, but, uh, it's gotten out of hand and shall be multiple chapters. I should warn that there are references to childhood indoctrination (hello, Sunlit Garden), a whole lot of self-hatred, and for the first few chapters anyways, not exactly the most healthy of relationship dynamics.
> 
> This is also gonna be long-ish. Think around 16ish chapters. I'm pretty far into writing (around eight chapters) and so plan to update 2-3 times a week!

"You didn't!"

Ui Koori rubs his temples. Bickering slings through the air, splattering the blissful silence and jarring his concentration.

"Yes, I did!"

"That's an exaggeration!"

"How would you even know? You were—"

"Is there a problem?" Ui finally asks, craning his neck back to where the three youngest squad members stand, all arguing over—what, he doesn't even know.

"He's—" starts Arima Yusa, but Ihei Shio steps on his foot. "Ouch!"

Souzu Rikai rolls their eyes.

"Hey, I heard Arima's on his way," says Hirako Take, clutching a cup of coffee as he strolls back towards his desk, where they've all been pouring over information from the auction raid. A success, largely.  _Though Sasaki…_

The kids straighten, and Shio whispers Yusa an apology. Ui raises his eyebrows.  _Of course that works._

 _What is it with these Garden kids?_ Ihei Hairu's no different, always standing taller, smiling wider, whenever Arima's around. Ui picks up his coffee mug. Only a few milliliters remain, and it's cold. He scowls.

"Works every time," Hirako whispers as he walks past. Ui presses his lips together. They don't have time to waste arguing over petty things. His lungs ache. He wants a cigarette.

Hands descend from behind him to pinch his cheeks. Ui yelps. His arms flail. The coffee mug tips over, those few milliliters spilling across his keyboard.

"Good morning, Koori!" sings Hairu from behind him. "Why do you look so sour? You should smile more."

"Hairu, my keyboard!"

"Oops." Hairu releases him and leans over Hirako's desk, turning around with a fistful of tissues as if it's a trophy she won. "Here you go!" She blots the mess. Not that there's much of one.

She winks, and Ui swallows.

And then Arima arrives, and Hairu bounds over to him, chattering up a storm like she's his kid sister or something. She pats her hair, and Ui realizes she's wearing the hairpin he gave her for Christmas. He smiles.

Hairu hops back over to her desk, where she slouches in her seat and drums her fingers against the desk. "This is boring."

"What, having a day where, so far, our lives aren't in danger?" Ui asks.

Hairu's brow creases. "But then there's no chance to prove ourselves."

"Here." Ui hits send on an email. "I just sent you a bundle of paperwork. Prove yourself to me."

Hairu's jaw drops. "Koori!"

He rises to get more coffee. Hairu moans and drops her head onto the desk, mumbling either nonsense or some choice words he doesn't want to decipher.

By the end of the day, Hairu's massaging her hands and grumbling about her fingers cramping up and casting side-eye at Ui. Her green eyes look stormy, and he gives her a nod. "Good job."

"Thanks." Her eyes skitter past him, towards the window.

"What are you doing for dinner tonight?" he asks.

Hairu offers him a grin. "Can we get ramen?"

He nods. Hairu chatters constantly as they stroll down the streets, the sky gray and bloated as if it's threatening to a storm, and the cold wind gnawing on his face. Her voice is warm, bubbling with sunshine.

"Hirako said it's going to snow," Hairu says. "Can we stop by my place? I need to change my shoes in that case."

"Sure. Okay." Ui follows Hairu as she bounds ahead, calling over her shoulder to him about how she's ready for winter to end, ready for flowers and birds and spring. The hairpin glints in her pink strands. They head into her apartment building, where she unlocks the door. Ui lingers in the doorway as Hairu heads in.

And she promptly screams.

"What the hell?" Ui lunges forward, half expecting to see a ghoul standing in Hairu's small kitchen.

Instead he just sees water. Everywhere. Soaking her yellow counter, pouring from the ceiling. Freezing water.

"A pipe must've burst!" Hairu yells. "My fucking neighbors—" She glares up at the ceiling. She clutches her face. "What am I going to do?" Her lip trembles as she looks at him as if she expects him to be able to wave his arms and wash away all this water.

"Call your landlord," he urges. "And you can stay with me. At my place."

Hairu glances over her shoulder as she fumbles to pull out her phone. "You don't have a guest room, Koori."

"I have a couch," he says. "You can take the bed." He swallows. "It's really—not a problem, Hairu." He mentally runs through his apartment. Everything's always in its place, thankfully. He won't have to do any emergency cleaning.

She quickly packs a bag, and they troop back outside. She sniffles. "Thank you."

He nods. The ramen fills their stomach and then they're in Ui's apartment. He quickly rushes into his room, gathering what he needs.

"Can we play a game?" Hairu asks, sitting cross-legged on his living room floor.

"I think we've already established I'm not a decent shiritori partner for you," Ui responds. "Arima's better suited for that."

Hairu perks up. "He's great at it."

"You knew him from your school days, right?" Ui adds.

"Mm-hm." Hairu rests her chin on her fist. "Even if you lose, can we at least play? Or at you just afraid of losing?" Her eyes sparkle. Her tone lilts.

 _I'm afraid of looking like a fool._  "Um… okay."

Ui loses three games, badly, and then she bids him goodnight. His alarm goes off in the morning. He pries his eyelids open and hears something rustling. Sitting up, he spots Hairu heading into his bathroom. "Morning!" she calls, her hair sticking out from her head and her filmy white pajamas barely covering her.

"Morning," he croaks, averting his eyes.  _Dammit, Hairu. Damn me._

"My landlord called," Hairu announces after he showers. "It'll take three days—I can get a hotel—"

"No, no," Ui says quickly. "It's fine. I'm happy to have you here." He really is.

Of course, when they arrive at work together, Hirako casts him a sideways glance. "Did you guys get breakfast or something?"

"No fair," whines Shio. "You should have invited us." Yusa jabs him with his elbow. "Ow!"

"My pipe burst," Hairu says brightly. "So Koori let me stay over his place."

Hirako's eyes latch onto Ui. He scowls. "It's not like that!"

Hirako nods, raising a mug to his mouth. "If you say so."

"Don't—Hairu doesn't deserve you to—" Ui protests. "I wouldn't—she's my partner!"

Hirako's eyebrows fly up.

 _Dammit_. "I didn't mean—"

"I know, Ui," Hirako assures him.

"I bet he has his books arranged in order of tallest to shortest," Shio teases. Hairu laughs. Ui rolls his eyes.

"He does," Hairu confirms, and Ui glares at her.

Hirkao's still watching him.

Ui looks down at his desk, hair covering his burning face.  _It's not like that._  She's his colleague. A colleague he enjoys spending time with. And who's beautiful and sweet and like coffee in a person.

He glances over at her. The pin holds her pink hair back again.

It's not like that, but he wishes it were.

* * *

_Your human side won out in the womb._

Hairu's lips curl as she looks at the file of a new ghoul they're supposed to be pursuing.

_That makes you uniquely able to defeat ghouls. You've been doing it since before birth._

She decides this one might make a nice quinque and sets it to the side. Akira Mado waves as she passes, and Hairu waves back. Akira works with Sasaki, who mentors the Qs. Hairu wants to meet them. And be their friends. They're close to her age. And they have a part of a ghoul in them too, but just like her, they're human, and they fight for side of justice. Which is something Ui should appreciate, even if he gets salty towards Sasaki sometimes.

She fights for justice too. Hairu chews on her pen. And for Arima. She wants to make him proud.

 _We all wanted to_ be _you, but not me,_  Hairu thinks.  _I just want you to notice me._

Akira has a somber look on her face, and Hairu wonders if the snow reminds her of the Owl Suppression Operation. She lost Amon Koutarou and Takizawa Seidou then. Hairu didn't know them well, but it'd be sad to lose someone who anchors you to the world.

At least she doesn't have to worry about that. Arima's undefeatable. He's the CCG's god of death.

 _What if I don't seem human enough?_  How can you seem human when the standard the Garden kids are held to is a god? A knot forms in Hairu's stomach.

She's quiet on their walk back to Ui's apartment. The snow turned out to just be a dusting. She hopes it melts soon. Her boot crunches some ice, and she catches sight of a smooth, thick patch. Hairu throws her arms up in the air, sliding on one leg. She squeals, arms windmilling, as she almost falls.

"Careful!" Ui cries.

"It's fun!" Hairu spots another patch and grabs Ui's hands, yanking him onto it. He gasps, legs wobbling.

_This is human enough, right? Laughing, having fun?_

Hairu stumbles, falling to her knees. Her fingers dig into the small clump of snow on the side of the road. Who cares that it's gray and dirty?

"Hairu?" Ui helps her up.

She shoves the snow down the back of his neck. "Got you!"

Ui shrieks. Hairu races ahead, skipping over the sheets of ice on the sidewalk. She makes it to his apartment first.  _Shit, I don't have the keys!_

"You can sleep outside tonight," Ui says dryly as he comes up behind her.

She bats her eyelids. Ui opens the door.

Hairu gazes at several photos on the wall as Ui heats up some dinner. She focuses on one of him on a white horse, his face all small and round, his hair the exact same as it is today. "You liked horses when you were young?"

"That's not a secret," Ui says.

"Are your parents happy you joined the CCG?" Hairu wonders, accepting a bowl of soup from him. She settles down.

Ui freezes. "Where's that question coming from?"

"Pictures of little Koori," Hairu informs him.

He grimaces. "They're—fine."

The soup burns Hairu's tongue. She doesn't care. "That's not an enthusiastic response."

"They had other careers they would have wanted me to consider," Ui says carefully.

Hairu sips. "Why'd you want to be an investigator then?"

A smile crosses his mouth. "I wanted to do something worthwhile with my lives. Justice is important."

"Same," Hairu says.

Ui swallows. "What happened to your parents?"

"Hm?" Hairu frowns.

"You never mention them," Ui says. "You don't—have to—"

 _I don't even know who they are_. Maybe Tsuneyoshi is her father. One of the Washuus, surely. She examines her hand, wrapped around a spoon.  _CCG blood runs in my veins_.

"They were killed by ghouls?" Ui asks softly.

Hairu nods. She can't get into it.  _People won't understand that your human side won out. You can't trust them._

Arima understands. And Shio, Rikai, and Yusa, but they're so young. She wraps her arms around her legs.

"I'm so sorry," Ui tells her, voice etched in regret.

"I was too young to remember," Hairu says. That's somewhat true, at least.

His brows swoop together. "That's not right."

_One was a ghoul. One was a human._

_But I'm a human._

Ui puts his hand on her shoulder. She looks up at him. He winces. "Sorry, I—"

"No, it's okay," Hairu interrupts.  _You're being kind._

Like when Arima smiled at her.

No one smiled in the Garden. There were more important things to focus on.

Loneliness chafes at her.  _If I wasn't born the spawn of a monster, I might've had a childhood riding horses too._

She realizes she's leaned her head back against Ui when she hears him suck in his breath.  _Oh._  Two spots of color pool in his cheeks.  _Are you embarrassed?_

His eyes widen, darting away. The color spreads until his chin and nose and ears are aflame.

_Are you—attracted to me?_

_For real?_  Hairu bursts out laughing.

"Are you—" Ui starts.

"Don't worry, Koori," she says.  _It's just strange._

 _But it shouldn't be. I'm human. You're human. This is a normal thing for humans to do._ She's seen movies. And TV. And read books. She thinks of Akira, how Akira said she loved Amon Koutarou and Takizawa Seidou.  _Do you wish you'd done something about it?_

Ui's eyes shift to her lips, and then away again.

She wants Arima, but Arima's not here. Ui's chest rises and falls against her. A crushing feeling she hasn't has since the Garden closes in on her, claustrophobic, like she's going to be crushed by the enormity of the task.  _Fight for humanity. You are human, but you must constantly be on your guard, constantly resist any ghoulish instincts._

Ui hasn't moved. He looks terrified, and Hairu doesn't want that.  _Don't be scared._

He thinks she's human enough to care for.

She leans forward and presses her lips against his.  _Is this how you kiss?_  She has no idea. Romance isn't her priority. Her purpose is killing ghouls.

Ui jerks back. "Hairu—"

"Sorry," she ekes out. "You just—you looked like you were considering—like you wanted to—"

Ui's face is now redder than if he was sitting in a sauna. "I—"

"Sorry," Hairu stammers, heart hammering.  _Was I wrong? "_ I thought—you liked me—at least how you were looking at me—"

"No," Ui cuts in. "I—do like you, Hairu."

He reaches for her hand. She frowns.

And now he's kissing her.  _Oh my god_. Hairu opens her mouth. His lips are slightly chapped and they scratch hers. He tastes like tobacco and spicy soup and coffee. His hand cups the back of her head.

 _I like this_. Hairu leans in, her hands digging through his hair. Her mind goes blank as she focuses on the hands roving through her hair, the warmth of his breath against her face.  _You really like me._

_I'm enough for you. And I can be. I will be._

It's not a transaction with the intention of getting something—another experiment, really—out of it, like in the Garden. Hairu's heart pounds. She slides her hands down to Ui's shirt.

And he draws back. "Hairu—"

"You want to, don't you?" she asks.  _Please be with me_. Maybe then she'll feel like she's arrived.

_You like me._

He closes his eyes. He gets to his feet. He holds his hand out to her.

She takes it. And then they're sitting on his bed, her lips still locked on his, his hands still in her hair. Hairu's fumbles to unbutton her vest. Blood thrums in her eardrums. Ui pulls back. His eyes bug. "You okay?"

He nods, reaching out to help her slip her shirt off. She pulls his up and over his head, setting his bowl cut askew and revealing his toned abdomen. "Wow," she teases, reaching out to poke him.

He snorts as he looks at her lacy hot pink underwear and bra. They match.

"What?" she asks, tilting her head back.

"They're pretty, that's all." He looks as if he's afraid to touch her, as if she's otherworldly, and Hairu's desperate for anything but that. She gets to her knees and leans her face down, kissing him again.  _Please_.

And now, finally he holds her tightly, guiding her back, her legs wrapping around his hips. Their bodies work together, and she sees a look on his face that she's never seen before, eyes wide, lips parted, brows crunched, and it shocks her.

_Is your usual face a mask?_

He rolls next to her, and Hairu interlaces their fingers and wonders.

_What would you think if my mask slipped?_

* * *

Ui wakes up when dawn peeks its orange eyes through night's veil. Hairu snores lightly next to him.

_What have I done?_

He claps his hands to his face.  _She's my—partner—_

 _This is so unprofessional! I should be fired. Arima wouldn't approve._ Ui doubles over.

Hairu stirs. One eye cracks open. "Morning."

He gulps. Hot shame creeps over his face, shudders through his spine. "Hairu—I'm sorry."

"For what?" She sits up, teal blanket falling off her chest.

"I—shouldn't have—"

"I liked it," Hairu states bluntly. She scowls at him.

His face burns. "Well, I'm glad, but—"

"I can make my own decisions," Hairu declares, her voice wobbling and cutting at him. "And you said you liked me—why—"

What even is the ethical thing to do in this sort of situation? Dump her the morning after? Continue this? "I'm—your partner. At work. There could be a conflict of—"

"Do you really think I'd jeopardize a mission?" Hairu snaps. Now she crosses her arms over her chest. "I want Arima's praise."

He never gives it, though. Ui swallows.

Her green eyes swim, and horror bites into him.  _Did I hurt her?_ He would never. Never, ever.  _She likes me._  Clearly, or else she wouldn't have slept with him. He reaches out to catch her arm. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry as in I shouldn't have said that or sorry as in pack your things?" Hairu asks, reminding him again of why he likes her. Because she lights something in him.

He gets to his knees and pulls her closer. His lips brush hers. She's here. And he feels like his life is more than even just Arima Squad, more than just the justice he usually focuses on. He feels light.

Hairu's apartment is fixed soon enough, and she invites him over. He goes out with Hirako for coffee and wonders if he should say something. Hairu assured him she has no plans on telling anyone.

_I'm dating Hairu._

Hirako gulps his coffee, and Ui swallows his words.  _What's the point of telling?_

_Why are you hiding it?_

He's not ashamed of it.

He just can't shake this sensation that there's something wriggling just underneath the surface.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't planning on updating again until Wednesday, but after that... chapter dropped today, here you go. I'll update again Wednesday and Friday--I'm thinking my schedule updating from here on out will be MWF.

I'm getting lunch with Saiko tomorrow!" Hairu sings as she prances into the office. "Finally! People my age!"

Ui presses his lips together. _Am I too old for you?_ They've been spending more and more time together, sleeping over each others' places once or twice a week. And still, he can't tell precisely what she thinks of him. Logic tells him she likes him, and yet when he listens to her breath at night, he wonders whether he's really what she wants.

"And we're getting melon buns tonight, right?" Hairu asks.

"Bring me some," whines Shio.

"If you get your work done," Ui promises.

"My fingers hurt from typing," Shio says, blinking innocently.

Ui's eyes slide towards Hairu. _You two really are related._

Hairu rolls her eyes. She perches on the edge of Ui's desk, swinging her legs.

"Really, Hairu?" complains Ui. But she's grinning at him, drumming her fingers on the table, and even though she's annoying, she's cute.

"Oh, so we can sit on furniture now?" calls Shio. "Special Class Bowl Cut yelled at me yesterday for doing that!"

"She's his partner; it's different," snaps Yusa.

 _"Special Class Bowl Cut?"_ Ui splutters. His hands fly up to touch the edges of his hair.

"Yonebayashi calls you that," Shio informs him.

 _Oh, did she?_ Ui grits his teeth. That blue-haired Quinx is—

"I like your bowl cut," Hairu chirps, flicking his hair. Ui jerks back. Hairu frowns.

Shio giggles. Rikai rolls their eyes. Arima strides through the room, and still Hairu just settles back on Ui's desk, legs kicking. Arima shakes his head and smiles at her, indulgently, like she's a little sister.

 _What if he wouldn't approve?_ Ui worries. It's been a few months, and now the air's starting to warm up, and there's talk of a new ghoul to hunt. Rose.

"Sasaki!" shrieks Shio when he enters the room. "You'll never believe what Yonebayashi calls Ui!"

 _"Shio!"_ Forget it; this brat isn't deserving of any melon buns. Yusa moans and holds his head in his hands. Rikai just looks like they wants to hide under their desk.

Hairu hops off his desk and grips Ui's shoulder. "Ignore it."

"You're getting lunch with this girl?" Ui asks, arching an eyebrow.

Hairu winces and holds her hands up. "Don't be mad."

"I'm not." He just wishes Yonebayashi would take her work seriously. And be respectful to her elders.

"I'll have a talk with her," Sasaki says, smiling apologetically at Ui, as if Yonebayashi is just a toddler who misbehaves and can't be controlled. Which, judging by her appearance and attitude, she might as well be as far as Ui's concerned.

When Ui asks Hairu if she's ready to get melon buns after work, she claps her hands together in delight and skips down the halls of the CCG. She almost slams straight into Kijima.

"Oops, sorry!" Hairu sings.

Kijima smiles a dark smile. "Be careful next time, pretty lady."

Ui narrows his eyes, but Kijima strolls straight past.

"Evening, Ihei," says the young man beside him. Furuta Nimura—Kijima's partner. There's not much special about him, as far as Ui knows.

"Evening," Hairu responds coolly.

"Off somewhere?" Furuta inquires, smiling at Ui as he sticks his hands in his pockets.

"To get melon buns," Ui answers. Hairu shakes her head slightly behind him. _Okay, clearly we're not inviting him._

"That sounds like fun," Furuta says with a snort. "I hope you enjoy, Ui, Ihei. You two are partners, right?"

"Yes," Ui confirms.

"It's good for partners to be friends too," Furuta says. "Makes them more on the same page." His gaze skitters after Kijima.

Ui can't imagine being friends with the likes of _that_. He wonders if Furuta's lonely. Maybe he'd be a better investigator if he was partnered with someone less cruel and of a better temperament.

"Have fun, you two," Furuta says lightly, waving at Hairu. She doesn't wave back.

"Are you okay?" Ui asks as Furuta disappears after Kijima, shoes clacking on the tiled floor.

"He's a bastard," Hairu responds.

"Furuta?" Ui glances over his shoulder. The door's closed, and he can't see the man. "His partner, I'd definitely agree, but you shouldn't talk about a colleague like that when—"

"You really think that someone who works with the likes of Kijima can be anything but a completely wretched asshole?" Hairu asks as she pushes open the door. A blast of thawing spring air hits Ui. Hairu inhales.

 _That's not what I meant_. "I don't think it's fair to judge him based on who his partner is."

"We work for Arima and that gives us a certain reputation to uphold," Hairu reminds him, adjusting her coat. "We want to make him happy. If Furuta wants to make Kijima—"

"He didn't make it sounds as if they were close friends," Ui points out.

Hairu shrugs and skips ahead again.

"How do you know him anyways?" Ui calls.

She pauses before a puddle, peering down at her reflection in the muddy water. "The Garden."

 _The Garden_. Ui frowns. "You two knew each other there?"

"Yeah, though he didn't exactly stand out." Hairu snorts. "We were all working out hardest and he would just slack off." She takes his hand and hops over the puddle.

"But he still graduated."

"He did what he needed to do to graduate." Hairu smiles at a bird that flies overhead. "And he wasn't exactly kind."

"Did he do something to you?" Ui demands. He has a hard time seeing Furuta as a bully, but if Hairu hates him—

Hairu shrugs. She's always like this when the Garden comes up. Like she doesn't want to talk about it, maybe because it reminds her of her parents. Speaking of parents, Ui wonders if he should mention Hairu to his parents—though it's not as if they're openly seeing each other.

_But we are seeing each other, right?_

Hairu turns to beam at him, pink hair swinging around her face. She laughs. "He was passive-aggressive. I don't really like that." Another bird flies overhead, and Hairu frowns. "Ui, there's something white and wet in your hair."

"What?" Ui's hands fly towards his hair. Then again, that may not actually be the best move if—

Hairu bursts into laughter. "Fooled you, Special Class—"

The breath whooshes out of him. "Hairu, it's not funny!"

"It's hilarious!" she crows, dodging him as if she expects him to grab her.

He rolls his eyes and gives chase.

* * *

"I haven't seen my brother in almost a year," Saiko says dreamily, snatching another fry and chomping into it. "He doesn't seem interested in visiting me."

"Is it because of the Quinx surgery?" Hairu inquires. The hot fries burn her fingertips. Her stomach clenches around them, as if the hamburger steak she just ate is a rock. She pushes the food away from her.

"I don't know," Saiko says, resting her chin on her fist. "Maybe he's more dedicated to being an agent than I am."

"You're not?" Hairu asks. She gulps her glass of water. She can't imagine having another purpose in life. She'd miss out on so many opportunities to spend time with Arima. And to impress him.

 _I'll figure this out. We'll catch that Rose_. Hairu drums her fingers on the table.

"I am," Saiko counters. "Just—as a Quinx. I was talking to Shiragin last night—"

"Shiragin?" Hairu questions. Her stomach churns again. Sweat prickles on the back of her neck. She rubs her forehead.

"Ginshi. Shirazu." Saiko snitches more fries and grins. "He was telling me about his sister—she's sick. Mutsuko and Urie don't have siblings. Or family left." She frowns. "My mother's not around, but she's alive. I guess that's lucky for me."

 _Is my mother alive?_ Hairu doesn't know. Do you even have any right to call yourself a mother if you don't know your own child? Does her mother ever think of her? If she does—or did—how often? _Does she know my name?_

Tools don't need names. But quinques have them. She has Aus. And T-Human. The Quinx are supposed to be quinques inside an investigator. But the Sunlit Garden children—they're tools too. And people.

_Which is it?_

Hairu shoves the thoughts out of her mind. She doesn't even know where they're coming from. And she doesn't like them. She does like feeling human though. When Koori's holding her. And when he's smiling at her, tolerating her antics. _He really likes me._

 _I'll fight for you too,_ Hairu decides. _Prove myself to Arima. And to you too._

"Shiragin's sweet," Saiko adds, a smile on her lips.

"Oh?" Hairu smirks.

"Urie doesn't like anybody except Mutsuki though," Saiko adds. "But I like him. I like them all." She presses her fists against her chin. "It's like a family."

Hairu thinks of the Garden. _We were never a family there._

_If you lost, you died._

But she's heard Shirazu dragged a sleeping Saiko to a meeting with Suzuya's squad by carrying her on his back, and she's heard Sasaki talking about teaching Mutsuki to cook and him googling recipes to try for them. She wonders how Arima would be as a cook. Would he make her melon bread? Ui's promised to take her out for some again tonight because she did all her paperwork and some of his in a moment of goodwill that didn't earn much more than a nod from Arima. Then again it's not like paperwork is what she was made for.

"We should get back," Hairu says, checking her watch. She doesn't want to be late. She wants to show Arima how much work she's putting into this investigation. _Tell me I'm strong._ Bile burns inside her.

Saiko moans, dropping her head down on the table. "I wanna go sleep."

Hairu opens her mouth to laugh. The fries tilt over, falling onto the table. The greasy scent hits her nostrils. The smell rips her laugh out of her mouth. Her stomach lurches. Hairu bolts from the table, stumbling as she races towards the restroom. Thankfully no one's occupying it. Hairu falls to her knees and retches into the toilet. Her arms shake and her abdomen feels as if it's ripping. _Ow_.

_Goddammit._

She leans back against the stall, her head spinning. She fumbles to grab some toilet paper and wipe her mouth.

 _Nope_. Her stomach clenches again, and Hairu doubles over, tears pricking her eyes as she waits to vomit again.

"Hairu?" Saiko calls.

Hairu moans in response, and then Saiko's behind her, gathering up her pink hair and holding it back as Hairu gags again. _I can't be sick!_ She has too many important things to take care of at work. She needs to work hard. Arima never gets sick. Koori never gets sick. Sasaki, never, and same for Akira. Hirako's taken one sick day, and what kind of an example will she be for Shio, Yusa, and Rikai if she's obviously as the weak link?

_I'm not weak._

_Only the strong make it,_ she hears, and the smell of lilacs and roses reaches her nose even though they're in a bathroom that only smells of Lysol and sour vomit. She retches again.

"Here's some water," Saiko says, offering her a bottle.

Hairu takes it and fumbles to unscrew the cap. She gulps the liquid down, cooling her stomach. "Did I eat something bad?"

"I feel fine," Saiko says, still running her hands through Hairu's hair.

_I don't want to be sick!  
_

"Here." Saiko lets go of Hairu's hair and disappears. Hairu waits, her stomach dancing. Saiko returns with some damp paper towels, which she uses to blot sweat from Hairu's face.

Her stomach's settling. Hairu draws in a deep breath. Saiko presses her thumbs into Hairu's shoulder blades, massaging. Hairu lets out the air festering inside her. She gets to her feet.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Saiko asks, lip sticking out.

Hairu nods. She stumbles over to the sink and splashes some water on her face. "I'll head back now."

"Shouldn't you take the day off?" Saiko sighs, almost wistful. "If _I_ were to get sick, then Maman and even grouchy Urie couldn't force me to—"

Hairu can't imagine wanting to be sick and miss a day of work. The very notion sends anxiety biting at her wrists. She rubs them together. "My stomach's feeling better."

Saiko nods. "Okay."

She links her arm with Hairu's as they stroll back to the CCG, babbling on and on about Shirazu, and the wheels in Hairu's mind start turning. How would Sasaki handle it if Shirazu and Saiko started dating? Any better than Arima would react to finding out that she and Koori are sleeping together? But it's not like it's serious. Or like they're dating. _Are we?_ They should probably talk about that.

"Yonebayashi!" calls Shirazu. "You're late."

"Oops." Saiko widens her eyes, blinking them oh-so-innocently. Urie scowls with his arms crossed over his chest. Mutsuki glances at him, the one eye not obscured with an eyepatch concerned.

"Are you okay, Hairu?" asks Mutsuki.

 _Shit_. Hairu nods.

"She wasn't feeling well earlier but she's better now," Saiko reports, squeezing Hairu's arm as if she's helping.

"Oh." Mutsuki shifts, clutching his coat in his hands and wringing it. Hairu's stomach feels as if someone's wringing it too. "Well, I hope you feel better."

"Thanks," Hairu manages. She hates this. She wants to be their friends. All of them. _I'm not weak._

Hairu finds her way back to her desk, breathing slowly. One deep breath in through her nostrils. Out through her mouth. In. Out. In. Out.

" _Damn_ Hairu!" calls Shio. "You look like you're a zombie!"

"Don't be rude!" Ui reprimands Shio. He turns to Hairu, and his face blanches. "Oh my God."

Hairu's hands fly to her face. "I'm fine! Just—ate something wrong at lunch."

He frowns. "Do you need to rest?"

She shakes her head. "I'm better now."

"You _look_ like you're still sick," calls Shio.

Hairu glares at her cousin. He shrugs at her. Arima walks past, and Hairu straightens.

He smiles at her, and sunshine erupts inside her. She zips over to her desk. "I'm really okay!"

"Um. Okay." Ui nods and goes back to pouring over his work.

She's feeling well enough to force Ui to deliver on his promise for melon buns that night, and to spend the night at his place. _Must've been the food after all._

But the next day Hairu's stomach dissolves again, right in the middle of a meeting. The smell of Sasaki's coffee is like a poison. _But I haven't drank any!_

She tries to force herself to sit there, rooted to her chair, force her ears to hear words and her brain to process them. The nausea's like a drum, drowning out everything else.

It's not gonna work. Hairu stands and mumbles an apology, and then races out of the room. She doesn't make it to the bathroom this time, slamming into the floor as she hurls all over the tiled floor in the deserted hallway. This time some strands of hair wind up coated in the muck.

"Hairu?" asks a timid voice behind her.

 _No!_ Hairu staggers to her feet. She has to clean—no one can see—

Mutsuki stands there, face pale. "Not better?"

"I'm sorry!" Hairu claps her hands to her face. "I'll get some towels—" Her hand flies to cover her mouth. She gags again.

"I think you should just sit here," Mutsuki says. "Don't worry, I'll be right back." He dashes off. Moments later he returns, using paper towels to wipe up the mess.

 _I'm not weak!_ Hairu shakes her head, forcing herself to her knees, helping Mutsuki. "I'm—so sorry—"

"It's okay," Mutsuki says. "You're human. We all get sick sometimes. You shouldn't have to suffer alone."

 _They used to say you killed your family._ Hairu's heard about how Mutsuki was bullied at the academy. But obviously that's not true. Mutsuki's a nice person, not a monster. A human, not a ghoul.

"Mutsuki—" Urie Kuki rounds the corner. He freezes when he sees them there, holding vomit-soaked paper towels.

"Urie-kun, please don't say anything!" Mutsuki bursts out, leaping to his feet. "Hairu's just—a little sick."

Urie's eyebrows arch. "Seems like more than just a little."

Hairu scowls. _Maybe I don't want to be_ your _friend._

"Urie—" Mutsuki tries again.

"I won't say anything," Urie cuts his friend off. "Here." He winces and kneels to help.

 _Seriously?_ Color floods Hairu's cheeks.

"Go home if you're that sick," Urie grumbles as he dumps the towels in the trash. "None of us want to get it." Mutsuki sighs, and Urie frowns.

Hairu heads into the bathroom to scrub her hands. She peers at herself in the mirror. Her skin clings to her bones, gray and sweaty. _I need to pull through._

She leaves to see Mutsuki and Urie heading in opposite directions, but not before Urie gruffly mumbles, "that was nice of you, Mutsuki."

Hairu stops. The sunlit cutting through the windows pierces her vision. _I wonder if Arima would ever praise me that way. Beyond just being an investigator._

She wonders what he does in his spare time. Does he like melon buns? Sasaki says Arima likes to read.

"Are you all right?" Ui demands when she comes back.

She nods.

"You don't look all right."

"I said I'm fine!"

"You look like death warmed over," Hirako calls.

 _Fuck you, Hirako!_ She glares at him.

"No she doesn't," Ui snaps.

Hairu scowls.

"I mean—but you do look—unwell again," Ui stammers, looking as if he's worried he said something wrong. "If you wanted to take a day, you could."

Hairu shakes her head. "I'm fine."

_The weak don't last._

_You should become like Arima Kishou._

She's heard that almost since birth. He is all of their hopes and dreams in a person. That place fills her mind again, and she remembers the first time they put a quinque in her hand, how cold it felt against her skin. A tool holding a tool. Bred to be a tool.

Ui puts his hand on her shoulder. It's warm. Hairu jumps. "Go home, Hairu. I'll bring you soup or something. And I'll fill you in on what you missed."

_Bred…_

Horror bites into Hairu's bones. She spots Arima heading past. He pauses.

Hairu's heart pounds.

"Get some rest, Ihei."

And then he's gone again, and Hairu finds herself outside in the warm sunshine, cold in her bones.

_Move. You have to keep moving._

_Get up,_ she would tell herself when she was knocked to the ground during her training. _He smiled at you. He saw something in you, that's why he smiled at you, it's because he saw potential in you to become like him, to become the best. There's hope for the next generation of Sunlit Garden students and you're a part of that. Get up. Keep moving._

She makes her way down the street. A bird chirps, and she kicks a pebble. _It can't be._

She remembers talking about it with the other kids at the Sunlit Garden. What it was like, what they'd seen.

She pauses in front of a pharmacy. It can't hurt to take a test. At the very least it would put her mind at ease.

She's not being bred. She's just having fun. With Ui Koori. He likes her.

Thoughts swirl in Hairu's mind, disjointed and uneven as she gets to her apartment and heads into the bathroom.

 _It's not possible._ This is just to calm her mind. Precautionary. It's not possible. She's not. It's not. _Not happening._

She drums her fingers against her sink as she waits. She blows her breath out, stomach undulating again. _I just ate something._

_I have a bug._

She turns on the faucet and lets the warm water run over her fingers. _I'll be okay_.

Her phone lights up with a text from Ui. _You better be sleeping right now, but I'll be by with soup around 8, okay?_

Another text. _I'll do your paperwork._

Another. _If you're okay with that._

He knows she's probably not asleep against what he thinks she should do. Hairu smirks and texts him back a heart-eyes emoji. She wonders if she should have sent that—what if it's too forward?—and then reminds herself what she's doing right now.

According to her phone, she still has a minute left, but Hairu can't resist sneaking a peek at the test.

Two stripes, both a sickening pink.

It's sight enough to make Hairu lose whatever's left in her stomach.

_What am I going to do?_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Sorry this isn't a very happy chapter. :(

A knock echoes against her door. "Hairu?" Ui calls.

She drags herself up from the couch. The test and its pink box are buried at the bottom of her trash can. She's been lying on her couch staring at the blank ceiling for the past three hours.

Secrets raised her, and secrets help her fight.

This one feels like it's breaking her from the inside out.

"I brought you some soup," Ui says awkwardly as she cracks the door open. He thrusts the bag at her. A frown creases his face. "Are you okay?"

"Just sick," she manages.

"Oh." He shifts.

"You don't want to get it," Hairu adds. A lump crawls up her throat, presses into her windpipe.

"Is there anything I can do?" Ui asks.

She shakes her head, reaching for the soup. "Thanks, Koori."

 _What would you do if I told you? Would you be happy? Would you be mad at me?_ She wants to kick herself for being so fucking stupid. Arima will never be proud of her now.

It's not Ui's problem. It's hers. She should have taken more precautions.

 _Humans make mistakes_ , Mutsuki said.

_I don't want to have made this one._

"You're welcome," Ui says. He hesitates. "Can I—do you want me to heat it up for you, or help you—do you need—"

She shakes her head again. "I'll see you tomorrow."

He blinks. His fingers curl up by his side, and he looks smaller all of a sudden. "Stay home if you need to."

"Okay." She doesn't even bother to argue before she shuts the door.

_I have to get rid of it._

If she told him, would he want her to have it? Would he ask her what she wanted to do, cry with her? Would he take her to an appointment and out for melon bread afterwards? If she wanted to have it, would he buy her melon bread to soothe her cravings?

It's a quarter-ghoul.

 _No, it's not,_ she argues with herself as she brings the soup into her cramped kitchen, the size of a closet. _I'm a human. It'll be a human_.

Not that her life gives her any options. Her job, her purpose, what she was made for—a baby doesn't fit into those plans.

She stirs the soup, her favorite, with its spicy scent and the seafood she loves. _You remembered._ She gulps. He'd be a good father.

But Arima would be so disappointed, and Tsuneyoshi… Hairu remembers what happens to the weak.

_They don't survive._

She reaches for her soup. The handle's too hot. She swears, and the soup spills all over the floor. The bowl shatters.

_If I were really a person, if I hadn't been born a failed experiment, I could choose._

_Everything I do is a failure._ Except her job. She succeeds at that. She can kill ghouls, exterminating the beings that cursed her because this is their fault, they're a scourge on this Godforsaken world. Arima smiled at her. She can succeed.

_I don't want it._

Hairu grabs a towel and kneels down to wipe it up. She remembers Mutsuki, and Urie today, and Sasaki chattering earlier about the newest pastry he wanted to cook for them but how he was worried because Urie doesn't like sweet food. He even calls them his _kids_ to Akira. She's heard him. He loves them.

_I miss that._

She's never had it, and still she misses it.

Hairu remembers how Ui scolds Shio and Yusa and Rikai constantly. The broth seeps through the knees of her pants, stinging her skin. She tastes salt, and brings her sticky hands up to cover her eyes.

Hairu cries.

* * *

Ui's relieved when Hairu returns to work the next day, but she's less chipper than usual, and Ui never realized how much he missed her antics until she's sitting there, somber at her desk and serious, like he always lectured her to be. The only time she acts like Hairu is when she stupidly votes for Sasaki's plan to impersonate ghouls with the Quinx squad.

And then she's gone on a mission with Kijima and Furuta, and comes back grumpy about how Kijima captured a ghoul to interrogate. " _I_ want to earn Arima's praise."

"Well, it looks like you'll have lots more opportunities," Ui says, rolling his eyes.

"Princess Hairu always looking for opportunities," Kijimi grumbles as he heads past.

Hairu flips him off behind his back, both fingers raised, and Ui's jaw drops. "Hairu!"

"Koori!" She scowls back at him.

"He's your—"

"He's a rude, honor-stealing pig, and I don't care!" Hairu stomps her foot.

Ui's brows fly up. "You sound like a child."

Hairu's eyes fill with tears.

 _Oh shit_. Ui doesn't know what to do. He's never seen her cry. "Hairu—"

She wipes at her eyes and stalks off. Does he go after her? Does he give her space?

 _The latter,_ Ui decides.

"You okay?" Hirako asks, coming up behind him as Ui stands at his desk, drumming his fingers like Hairu usually does. _I'm the worst._

"I'm fine," Ui says.

"Rikai told me they saw Hairu crying in the bathroom."

 _Shit!_ Ui gulps.

"Are you fighting over Sasaki's plan again?" asks Hirako. "Shouldn't you ask her if she's okay? I mean, I've never seen Hairu cry before."

"I can't go in the woman's room!" he protests, even as he moves towards the door.

"You kind of look like a woman sometimes," pipes up Shio. "Like, when I first saw you, I thought you were a girl."

 _"Shio!"_ scolds Hirako.

"Don't be rude," Ui retorts. _Brat_. He spins on his heel and heads towards the woman's room. There is no way he's going in. He sends Hairu a text instead.

_You okay?_

Hairu doesn't text back, and Ui has to swallow his anxiety. _I'm waiting outside,_ he adds.

_Please Hairu I'm sorry if I offended you._

_I have to go in, I can't wait out here, that makes me a horrible person and she's hurt and I hurt her how could I I'm_ _—_

The door swings open, and Hairu exits, eyes red-rimmed and nose swollen.

"I'm sorry," he stammers. "I didn't mean to make you—"

She shrugs. "It's not about you." Her eyes roll. "Let's pretend this didn't happen, okay?"

 _Okay... no._ "Is this about Arima?" Ui blurts out. "And Kijima capturing that ghoul?"

"No," Hairu snaps, crossing her arms. "I'll prove myself yet."

 _You've already proved yourself._ Pretty much from their first mission together. He's always admired her raw talent, her determination. But he presses his lips together.

"Do I get melon buns out of this?" Hairu asks, a smile coming back onto her face, lulling him back into a sense of security even though part of him still kicks at himself, wants to reach for her. "They sound good."

"For flipping Kijima off?" he asks dryly.

She pouts. "No, for you making me cry."

A smile tugs at his lips, but he won't give it leave. "No."

Hairu's eyes narrow. She lunges at him and snatches his wallet from his pocket.

"Hey! Hairu!"

"Thank you!" she sings, skipping away. He watches her go, and that smile slides across his lips. Outside, storm clouds blot out the sun.

* * *

"You were right about that Kijima," Ui grouses as he leaves the CCG with Hairu.

"I want this engraved on a plaque," Hairu proclaims. "'I, Ui Koori, proclaim that on this day, Ihei Hairu was right.'"

Ui moans. "He's so unapologetic about uploading that disgusting video."

"It's not like they deserve sympathy," Hairu says.

 _Show them no mercy._ _They won't show you any,_ said the leering face of her instructor as she leaped back to her feet, holding a quinque despite two broken fingers.

Ui looks at her in horror.

"It's still wrong," Hairu says, kicking at a puddle. "Kijima's an asshat. We're better than them."

Ui nods. " _Exactly._ They all deserve to die—they have to, they're monsters—but we shouldn't torture beasts anymore than we should torture the cows we eat."

" _Learn how to fight better, or I'll break your other three fingers." But she was alive, and she could leap to her feet and aim her quinque at the instructor. She had another chance, because she could still breathe, because she was human, her humanity won out in her mother's womb._

Since Ui's a human, that means her baby will be human, right? Hairu's hand drifts to her stomach, covered in the coat she always wears. She's probably about six weeks along, based on her calculations. Close to seven now. She's still been vomiting, but a lie or two to Dr. Shiba and he wrote her a prescription for anti-nausea medicine that compatible with pregnancy. She checked. On Google. Because online she can search for whatever she wants.

But her pregnancy isn't compatible with her job.

If she's going to earn Arima's praise, if she's going to fulfill Ui's dreams of justice against this Rose, she's going to have to end it. Even if she wasn't fighting all the time, she can't earn Arima's praise if she has a baby.

Akira Mado waves as she passes. Hairu thinks of Kureo. And Kasuka, though of course she's only heard about that woman. Akira's done well enough.

But she was raised to fight ghouls. She has to, because she of all people knows how evil they really are. She knew even as she was forming from cells inside her mother. She doesn't have time for a family.

 _Would Ui be happy?_ She was up late last night googling pictures of what a fetus at seven weeks looks like. She imagines Ui joining her. Her chest burns.

 _We're not monsters because we're human._ She keeps repeating it to herself, over and over and over and over again. A broken record. A record that gets stuck in her head, bouncing from skull wall to spine to skull wall. _And we have to prove it every day._

 _I just want to be with you,_ Hairu thinks as they get to Ui's place. _I don't want to think about anything else._ Not proving herself, not being pregnant. She likes sleeping with him, and so what if it landed her in this place? He's holding her, and she's happy.

_How can it be bad?_

_I could—_ Ui breathes evenly next to her. A breath in. A breath out. He's asleep, and he looks beautiful. _No, I can't._

The next morning Hairu's anti-nausea medicines fail her, and she scrambles outside to the bushes.

"Sick again, Ihei?"

That voice. Horror dives down Hairu's spine. She lifts her head to see Furuta passing her, faux concern widening his eyes, opening his mouth. "I'm fine."

"Well then." Furuta shrugs. "If you say so, I'm sure _you_ are."

 _You…_ Hairu wracks her brain for the perfect insult to hurl at him, but she can't think of any, because she knows exactly what that piece of shit is implying. Furuta strolls inside, whistling, and panic scrabbles at her. She glugs down some water. Saiko Yonebayashi waves at her. She remembers what Saiko calls Koori. _Special Class Bowl Cut._

"Go home," Hairu tells Ui that night, when the tension in the air is so thick no one can breathe properly. They all know a raid is coming, and everyone's afraid of who might be next to die. "I'll text you."

He frowns.

"I want to talk to Arima," Hairu adds.

"Oh." Ui nods.

He shuffles out, and Hairu gets to her feet, pacing back and forth. A wave of nausea rolls through her, and she curses the failing medication. Her fingers find her phone, tap out a text.

_I need to talk to you._

She hits send and waits with bated breath.

"Hairu?" Arima emerges from his office, squinting at the deserted office. Papers are strewn around dead monitors, and outside no stars shine. He holds up his phone. "Did you text me?"

She nods. "Yes." Her palms dampen with sweat. She wipes them on her pants.

"Did you find something?"

"No." Hairu clears her throat. "I wanted to ask you a question. In private."

Arima nods, cocking his head and gesturing for her to follow him into his office. She sucks in her breath when she enters. It's perfectly organized, and yet sparsely decorated, with blank walls and a desk filled with empty space.

"Have a seat." He gestures.

 _I'm alone with Arima_. Hairu's heart quickens. At least she gets this one moment before her dreams are crushed.

He takes a seat across from her. Under several books, she catches a glimpse of a painting sticking out. The Garden. The one she drew.

 _You kept it?_ Hairu claps her hands to her cheeks. It's all she needs. "Arima-san, what would—Tsuneyoshi do if—a graduate of the Sunlit Garden—was pregnant?"

Arima drops his teacup. It shatters.

"Oh no!" Hairu cries, jumping up. She scrambles to help gather the pieces, not caring if the hot brew burns her hands or if the shards prick her skin.

"Hairu, leave it—Hairu!" He grabs her arm.

She freezes. _I disappointed you, didn't I?_

 _Beyond repair_. Tears fill her eyes. She tilts her head up to look in his eyes.

Instead, she sees his mouth agape and eyes focused on her. "Are you—are you talking about yourself?"

She almost lies. But she can't. "I haven't decided what to do yet." Swallowing feels like swallowing needles.

"Who—who's the father?" Arima chokes out, dumping the shards into the trash can. She follows suit.

 _You really don't know?_ She shrugs.

"Smart," Arima tells her. "You'd better keep it to yourself."

Cold spreads from her fingertips up her wrists, to her elbows and shoulders. "So Tsuneyoshi would—"

"I don't know," Arima cuts in, pinching the bridge of his nose. Shadows hang across the floor, creep along the wall behind him as he shifts. "I don't know that this has ever happened before."

"But it'll be a human. Like you. Like me. _More_ than you or me." Her voice rises in a pitch.

"You want to keep it," he says, dropping his hand and staring at her.

"I want to—" _Make you proud_. Her fingers press her flat belly. "I—"

"You don't need to say it, Hairu. I can tell." A small smile crosses her lips, and she's back there again, in the Garden, smelling lilacs and lilies.

" _Do you know that in some cultures, lilies are flowers for the dead?"_ Furuta's voice creeps into her memories.

"I will if I have to," she says. _I'll do what you want._

_Your smile helped me cling to something when I needed it. It dragged me back to my feet when I broke my leg._

"You don't want him getting hurt," Arima says.

 _Koori_. She called him that by accident once—it slipped out. And he laughed. He wasn't mad. He told her she could call him that, if she wanted to. And when she did next time, he smiled too. "He _can't_ get hurt," she says. Because that would make her more of a ghoul. She can't hurt humans. Directly or indirectly.

_I'm not a monster. I'm not a ghoul._

"I'll help you," Arima says.

"What?" Hairu's wrists tingle. She could pinch herself. Is Arima—is he really—she wanted this, she hoped, but _damn_ if she didn't actually think—

"I don't know how yet, but I will." Arima shakes his head. "Go home, Ihei. We have some—long days ahead of us. I'll be thinking. I will help you. I promise." He smiles _again_ , and Hairu could melt, this feels so much like a dream. "And you should get a good amount of rest."

She beams. "Thank you."

"Good night."

"Good night." She casts him one last glance as she slips out of the office. Outside, she skips in the warm air.

Her baby might have a chance. And it's all thanks to Arima.

* * *

Hairu wakes to the sound of her phone ringing. She fumbles to grab it. It's not even four in the morning. "Hello?"

"Ihei." His voice.

"Arima?"

"Are you ready to do whatever I tell you?" he asks. "No questions asked?"

"Of course. I'd follow you anywhere." Hairu's heart pounds. She kicks off her covers.

"How important is this man to you?"

She reaches down and presses her palm against her abdomen again. Ui's child. She remembers the soup he brought her. "I can't let him get hurt."

"Good." The conviction in his voice sends shivers through her. "Pack your bags."

"Huh?" Hairu blinks.

"I'm taking you to see someone who might know—about these things. Your—the baby. If need be, we can hide you with her until—it's born."

 _That's seven months from now!_ Hairu opens her mouth to protest.

"I think—trying to protect your child," Arima says quietly. "Is a very noble thing, Hairu."

 _Noble_.

Praise.

The phone almost slips from Hairu's hands. She needs to scream into a pillow or something. _He just said—he praised me!_

_Me!_

Hairu falls back on the bed, kicking her legs in the air. "I'll be ready."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Sorry, this is rather a slow chapter. 
> 
> Also, just in case it wasn't clear, everyone in this fic is rather an unreliable narrator and everyone's kind of hiding things from everyone else, which comes into play this chapter.

_Tick, tock._

Ui bites his lip and checks his watch. Hairu's late. He brushes his knuckles against the cup of coffee he's brought for her. It's still warm, but she better get here soon, or else it will cool off before she can drink it.

_Tick. Tock._

_On your way?_ he can't help but text after twenty minutes.

"Princess Hairu getting her beauty rest?" sneers Kijima, and Ui contemplates channeling Hairu's spirit and flipping him off with both fingers.

_Tick._

After a half hour, Ui calls her. Her voicemail chirps in his ear, cheerful as ever and for once it grates on his nerves instead of reassuring him.

_Tock._

"Ui," says Arima, stopping before him. "Where is Ihei?"

 _Shit_. Ui gulps. "I've been calling her—" She's got to be sick, that's the only reason he can think of that she would— _and you didn't let me know? Hairu, that's so irresponsible!_ He's going to tear her head off when she comes in. Or, well, wait until she's better.

"Well, get her," Arima says. "She should be here." He turns and strides off, and Ui feels as if he's just been slapped.

"Understood." He grabs his coat and rushes out.

"Where are you rushing off to?" calls Sasaki, a smile on his face. The four Quinx line up behind him like ducklings, although Urie's scowl makes him the angriest duckling Ui's ever seen in his life.

"Hairu's late," Ui says. "She probably overslept." He hopes. Although Hairu's never done anything like that. He can imagine waking her up and her yelling about how Arima's going to be so disappointed in her or something along those lines.

"Run off and wake her up, by all means, then," Saiko says, tugging at her pigtails. "I wish _I_ could sleep in."

"Saiko!" scolds Shirazu, the squad leader. "Great, tell Hairu that she's setting a poor example for our sleepyhead here."

Ui gives a stiff nod. Saiko's lips curve in a smile as she wiggles her eyebrows at Ui.

 _God!_ If Hairu told Yonebayashi… Ui narrows his eyes as he spots Saiko whispering in Shirazu's ears. Shirazu turns red. Sasaki whistles as he continues on, oblivious and so cheerful no one would guess he was a dangerous man—or ghoul. _Maybe I am a terrible example of a leader for them._

Hair slaps at his face as he strides down the street. _Hairu, I'm going to be so—why are you worrying me like this?_ He breaks into a jog when her apartment comes into view. The sun streams down and he wants to blot it out, because it's annoying. He pounds on her door.

No answer.

Ui raises his fist to knock again. "Hairu!"

Nothing.

Fear now scrabbles up his throat. "Hairu—I'm not trying to bother you but—we need—"

The door shifts. Hope spikes through Ui like an electric current. But the door only budges, as if it was unlocked.

Ui can't even think. He throws himself at the door, and when it opens fully, he sees—

Her couch upturned, dishes broken all over the floor. The rug's corners twisted up. A spilled cup of tea.

And blood.

Crimson stains the walls, and the carpet.

Ui's mind goes blank. He moves through the apartment, knowing what they'll find, reciting the train stations—they had melon buns there—they were good, so sweet—

She's not here. Her bed's nice and neat, sheets folded over the pink blankets, and her dresser drawers neatly closed. A hand mirror lies on the surface, and next to it, her phone, blinking with the text messages he sent.

Ui fumbles for his phone, dialing Hirako.

* * *

The Quinx and Sasaki show up first. "Ui," breathes Sasaki, taking in the sight of the upturned room.

"It was a ghoul, wasn't it?" asks Urie, tapping his fingers against the two moles under his eyes.

 _No—_ Ui clamps his hand over his mouth. Bile surges up his throat, thick and burning and bitter. He can't stand that thought. She's not food for one of those monsters. She can't be. She's too skilled—she was trained in the garden like Arima, she's got pink hair, she kissed him, she wears that pin he got her, she makes him eat melon bread—laugh, loosen up, spending time with her is like taking a shower in sparkles.

"It couldn't be," says Mutsuki, and Ui turns to gape at him. _Please_. "I mean—" Mutsuki's face turns red. "Ihei was one of the most skilled investigators—"

"If she was caught off guard—" Shirazu starts.

"There's no forced entry," Saiko reports.

 _With that amount of blood, though_ —Ui doesn't know if there's a point to letting himself hope. Rage shoots through him, burning. He'll kill them all. These monsters—they don't deserve—

His fingers curl, and for a moment, he understands how Kijima might have felt—making that ghoul scream—

 _No._ He's not like that. He's not like them.

Hirako grips his shoulder. Ui looks up at his friend, whose face remains as passive as ever. _Don't you feel something?_

"I'm so sorry," Sasaki says, running his hands through his hair. "It's not—right—" He draws in his breath. "We'll get them—the Rose, these ghouls—we'll make sure of it, Ui, I promise."

Ui just nods. They all know she was his partner. Friend even.

_It's not justice._

_I want her back._

_What is justice if all we do is lose people?_

Justice is impossible here. He can only chip at it. Exterminate these creatures so that no one else has to suffer like this.

_"I want a career that matters!" Ui remembers telling his father._

_"You're better than that! It's not exactly a respected position!"_

But he had to do it. The right thing. He saw his classmate, eleven years old at the time, lose his parents to ghouls. Officials from the CCG came to the school to tell him after their maths lessons, and Ui remembers watching the boy cry and cry, even though this was the boy who mocked Ui every day until Ui finally punched him in the nose, two months before. _These monsters should pay._

They don't even know about Hairu. His parents. A lump throbs in Ui's throat. _I won't believe it. She's not dead. Not until I see her body._

The odor of blood permeates the apartment, and ghoul, according to Saiko, who cries loudly and messily. Hirako arrives and shakes his head. "This shouldn't have happened."

 _Exactly,_ Ui wants to say, but he can't. _Hairu_.

_Come back._

Hirako puts his hand on his shoulder. Ui jerks away.

_Hairu, come back._

Ui heads back to the CCG, numb. He sees the extra coffee on his desk and throws it into the trash, coffee sweetened with cream and sugar spilling everywhere. _It's not right. It's not right. She can't be._

_Hairu._

_Please._

Shio bursts into tears, and Ui envies the kid as he doubles over, rubbing his fists against his eyes and bawling. Yusa sniffles. Rikai sits quietly, but sorrow is engraved in their face.

"Pull it together," Kijima tells Shio when he passes by.

"Give him a break!" Akira snaps, stepping forward and grasping Shio's shoulders. Her hands rub circles into his shoulder blades. "He's lost his cousin—"

"We're all about to lose lots of people," Kijima snarls. "In case you haven't kept your eyes open."

"Lay off!" Akira barks, and Ui feels a rush of gratitude towards her.

Shio wipes at his eyes and nose with the sleeve of his coat. "I'll be ready," he promises. "When we—have to fight—I'll—"

"I know you will be," Akira assures him, smoothing the boy's rumpled hair.

Shio manages a weak smile, his face still stained with tears. The coffee Ui drank earlier, back when he still thought she was here, back when there was hope, when he thought he'd see her, stings his abdomen.

"We need to focus on the Rose mission," Arima says.

Ui's head snaps back to gape at his mentor. _But Hairu._

 _Of course we do_. Arima speaks the truth, and he knows it, he believes it— _that's how we get justice for Hairu—we find them, we hunt them down, we exterminate them_ —and yet he also wants to chase after the man, demand to know if he's sad at all. _You knew her well enough—she made that drawing of a garden one time._

 _She's gone! She's not here!_ And yet everyone just goes on their computers, a bit more somber, but death, death is a part of what they do. Arima's stoic as ever. As he should be, most likely. Ui wilts in his chair. Arima Kishou is the CCG's reaper for a reason—he's focused on justice, on the battle ahead, on all of mankind instead of just one person.

_I want to be like him._

Ui stares at his hands. _I don't know how._ He envisions her with her pink hair, the feel of her lips against his, and he can't focus. His hands shake. _Come back._

 _If there's a God, bring her back._ He'd do anything. No matter what it would cost. His own life, even.

There's still justice.

Justice without someone to comfort with it feels less like a warm cup of soup and more like stale coffee.

_I need you._

She has to be alive. It's the only way. Without her... Hirako's still here, Shio, Yusa, Arima, Sasaki... but none of them smile at him or tease him or send him joke emails during the day. None of them feel free enough to tease him.

He finds Mutsuki crying and sitting in the hallway, his arms wrapped around his legs. Urie sits next to him, looking as if he can't quite figure out what to do, so he'll just be there for Mutsuki.

"What if someone else dies soon?" Mutsuki whispers.

Ui pauses, listening. _She's not dead—we don't know—_

 _Don't be a fool, Koori. Look at the facts_.

Aura Kiyoko told him that once, on one of his first missions. _Are you an investigator, or are you a foolish, spoiled child?_

_I'm an investigator._

_Was that all this was, she was? A foolish dream of a spoiled child?_

No. He can't accept that. _I need you back._

"We'll move on," Urie says roughly. An investigator's answer. "And we'll make sure they're not forgotten." His voice shakes. "I promise you that."

"I'm afraid," Mutsuki whispers. "I'm not strong enough yet, Urie, I know I am—"

"You're getting better," Urie insists. "You are."

Ui's not sure he remembers the name of every investigator killed since he joined.

His bed feels empty that night. The pillow she slept on whenever she slept over—about twice a week—smells like flowers.

And the worst part is, no matter how much his eyes burn and ache and sting, he's forgotten how to cry.

* * *

She's in Arima's apartment. Hairu peruses the bookshelves, overflowing with classics and Pulitzer and Nobel winners. And some of Sen Takatsuki's works. Actually all of them. Hairu's never been much of a fan of stories that dark. She likes fantasies and romances. Arima doesn't have many of those. Hairu sticks out her lower lip.

She falls back on the couch. It's surprisingly stiff and uncomfortable, as if it hasn't been used much. No pictures adorn the walls. Arima told her she was to hide out at his place for the day, and then he would take her to his friend. She didn't see why she couldn't go to work first, but he insisted, and she trusts him.

She's already vomited in Arima's toilet twice today, so maybe he's right to be concerned. Hairu traces the skin under her belly button. She hopes Koori's not too worried. Arima said he'd tell Koori she was sick and spending some time in Hokkoido with an old family friend. Which Koori might have a hard time believing, but then again, maybe not. It's not like she's told him very much about her childhood. She doesn't understand why Arima asked her to leave her phone though. He said he'd say she emailed to tell him it broke. Probably to ensure that Tsuneyoshi can't find her.

 _Please be okay,_ she thinks. To Koori, and to her baby. Arima said that he would talk to Tsuneyoshi while she's with his friend. Hopefully it will all work out, and she can come back in a few days. Koori might be grumpy about her disappearing for a few days, but maybe when she tells him about the baby, he'll understand. She's seen movies and TV shows where kids are raised with laughter instead of threats. That would be fun.

Unless she can't come back, not ever. The idea terrifies Hairu. Koori would be okay. And she would be. And the baby. But what's the point if they can't be together? And if she has to live away from Arima, away from her job, from her purpose? She can't fathom it. _Arima, you have to convince Tsuneyoshi._ She trusts him. Arima's the embodiment of hope. He's everything the world needs. She'll just tell Koori that she was scared when she found out she was pregnant and that's why she took a few days off, until Arima told her to come back.

He'll be mad. Probably more than she was scared. Hopefully not that she's pregnant. She can hear his lecture right now.

But it's the only way to ensure the three of them stay alive. Hairu hugs her knees to her chest. They have to stay alive. They're humans, and they can destroy ghouls. Combat ghouls by making more humans. She likes the idea.

Hairu switches on the TV and finds nothing interesting. She remembers one older drama she watched that made her cry, _Kamisama Mou Sukoshi Dake_. Ui would roll her eyes every time she played the music or talked about it. _"It's so melodramatic!"_

" _It's beautiful!" she shot back, shoving his shoulder. "You're just too old to appreciate it."_

Her stomach churns again. Hairu staggers back into the bathroom, gagging into the toilet in Arima's bathroom, in Arima's house. He's not here, though. She still feels her face flush and shame cramp in her belly, as if she wants to be strong and put together even though he won't be home for hours yet.

Hairu presses her cheek against the tiles of the bathroom floor. They're cold.

Arima comes home after midnight, as Hairu's half-asleep on his couch. She leaps to her feet.

"Let's go," Arima says, not even taking his coat off.

"Is everyone okay?" Hairu demands. "Did you tell them I emailed you to say I was spending a few days with friends?"

"I did."

"Were they okay?" Hairu swallows. "What does K-Ui think?"

"He's fine," Arima says. "Worried about his partner, but fine."

 _What would you think if you knew the baby is his_? She beams up at him as he holds the door for her. He's protecting her, shielding her as he ushers he into a car and they drive off.

"Where are we going?" Hairu inquires, peering out the window at the darkened skies. They pass people laughing and drinking at restaurants on the side of the street. She hugs her bag to her chest.

"You'll see," he says. "She agreed to help."

"She?" Who is this woman? A doctor of some sort? Hairu swallows. "Do you want to play Shiratori?"

"Sure."

They play a few rounds—Hairu wins one, and then he wins twice—but no smile appears. Not today. Hairu's heart aches.

_Are you disappointed in me? For being an irresponsible investigator? Do you think I'm not human enough?_

If this were a normal night, she'd be asleep by now. Maybe in Koori's arms. Hairu rubs her stomach again. _How is this ever going to work out? Will he never be able to see the baby? Will I be able to just show up? Once we figure it out—Arima can convince Tsuneyoshi that it's okay, he never fails, he has to succeed, after all we're just making more humans, it's good, we're good, I'm good and Koori is too and so is our baby._

She better not have to stay with this friend of Arima's until the baby's born. The idea makes her nauseated again. She can't fathom whom it might be—logically it should be someone associated with the Sunlit Garden, but those are the precise people she needs to hide from until she's sure it's safe.

"We're here," Arima says, pulling up to the curb. Hairu gets out of the car. The street seems deserted, too quiet except for the sound of sirens in the distance. She follows him up the path, his foots crunching a twig. The sound sets Hairu's heart pounding.

"Who is this friend again?" Hairu ventures.

"I've known her for years," Arima answers.

 _That's all?_ Hairu gulps. They approach what looks like an abandoned warehouse. A lone car drives over the nearby overpass, lights reflecting eerily through the hazy air.

Arima knocks.

"No need to knock, Kishou," trills a voice from behind Hairu. She jumps.

"So this is the pregnant half-human." A tiny woman with mint green waves grins at her.

And one of her eyes glows red.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a great plan, Arima.
> 
> Up next: Ui finds something that kicks him when he's down. 
> 
> I'll be updating again on Monday, unless chapter 144 kills me.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> I will say I apparently was wrong-this story is going to be a bit longer than I thought, maybe 20-21 chapters. I'm writing chapter 14 and I don't think I can wrap it up in two, apologies.

"Who the hell are you?" Hairu shouts. She springs herself at the ghoul, who throws her head back and cackles.

"Hairu!" Arima grabs her, holding her back. "This is—the woman I mentioned."

"She's a ghoul!" Hairu screams.  _She's going to eat us—my baby—_

"Half-ghoul, really," the woman drawls. "Pinky's feisty, I see."

Hairu bristles, but Arima's grip is so secure she can't wriggle free. Panic slices through her.  _What are you doing?_

"My mother was a human, my father a ghoul," the woman continues. "A terrible ghoul, whether you look at him through the human or ghoul perspective, but that is irrelevant." She tiptoes closer, giggling. The sound patters against Hairu like pebbles striking her skin. The ghoul stretches out her fingers and presses them against Hairu's cheek. Her fingers are cold. "You're cute. And you're just like me, right? Ghoul father, human mother. You just weren't as lucky in the genetic lottery except, perhaps, in looks."

Hairu gapes at her. "Arima!"

"She knows," Arima says. "About—where we come from."

"Kishou says you're pregnant. With a human's baby. Sounds like that might be a problem for the Washuus," the ghoul says, pulling back and licking her fingers. "Sorry, I might have some blood on them from earlier. Wouldn't want to waste it."

Hairu feels as if her own blood is draining out from her. "You—"

"If she's going to throw a hissy fit, why are you bothering to try to get me to help her?" the ghoul asks, hands on her hips as she glares up at Arima.

"Show him some respect!" Hairu shouts. "He could kill you!"

"Nah," says the ghoul. "He tried once."

 _What?_  Hairu's stomach churns. She struggles, but Arima won't let her go, and she vomits all over herself and over him. He lets her go, and she tumbles to the ground.  _This doesn't make any sense! Arima's not a ghoul; they can't be friends! I don't understand! I'm so—help me, somebody help me!_

 _Never ask for help,_  her instructor would say.  _Find your own way out._

"Ghoul vomit is more pleasant," comments the ghoul. She sighs and takes off her pink cloak, holding it out to Hairu. "Goes with your hair. Though, since they're different shades, I guess that's not true. They clash. Wipe your mouth."

Hairu glares up at her. She doesn't want to wipe her mouth with this ghoul's filth. "I'm—sorry—Arima—"

"It's okay, Ihei," he tells her, wiping his hands. "Not your fault."

"If it's making you this miserable, what makes you want to keep it?" the ghoul asks. "It's not viable at this point. You're not their slave anymore. Just get rid of it."

"Fuck—you," Hairu chokes out, using her own sleeves to clean herself.

A smirk spreads across the ghoul's face. "Well, whatever ulterior motive you might have for wanting to have this child, I hope it doesn't blow up in your face like it did for my mother. I don't even remember her."

The nausea abates. Gravel stings Hairu's palms from where she fell to the pavement. She leans back on her heels, drawing in her breath.

"But is your motive worth living with ghouls?" prompts the ghoul. "Because I have a— _human_ —doctor who might be able to help you. If you can handle sitting in the same room as some ghouls—whom I wouldn't let eat you, no matter how much you piss me off—because Kishou wouldn't want it."

 _Why are you talking as if you two know each other?_  Hairu looks up at Arima.  _You can't—I don't understand!_

_Assess the situation. Or you'll die._

"Oh yes," croons the ghoul, putting her hands on her knees. "Your mentor's been collaborating with ghouls, he has. Shocking, I know. Except he maybe has more of a moral compass than you do."

 _Excuse me?_  "I hardly think you have one!" Hairu spits. The moon shines down on Arima.  _She's lying, right? She's lying—you're not—I'm supposed to be like you—you're our hope, you're our purpose, you're what we're supposed to live for! You're our everything!_

"Sorry, Ihei," Arima says quietly.

 _You shouldn't have to apologize!_  Nothing makes any sense. Her head spins.  _It's a lie, it's all a lie. This is a nightmare. Wake up, wake up, WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKEUPWAKE **UP.**_

The gravel is still cold underneath her. Hairu can't breathe. Her throat spasms. Her lungs shake. Her head throbs.

"Stress isn't good for a pregnant woman," the ghoul says, bored.

"It's okay," Arima tells Hairu, reaching down to pat her hair. "She is a ghoul, but she will help you. As a favor to me."

 _"Favor?"_  Hairu cries out. Her voice comes out strangled. His fingers try to restore her hope, but she doesn't understand.

"For sparing her life," Arima says simply.

"But why would you do that?" Hairu ekes out.

Arima presses his lips together, rolling them. He doesn't answer.

"How badly do you want to protect your baby?" asks the ghoul, hopping over to her and taking the cloak back. "Pathetic."

Tears fill Hairu's eyes.

Because if she tells Ui, he'll be happy. She knows he will be—scared, but happy. And if she doesn't tell him, she'll never be able to look him in the eyes again. The Sunlit Garden is one thing. This is another.

_I'm trapped._

_I'm still a slave, and I don't even know to what_.

She wanted to be an investigator worthy of Arima's esteem. They told her to be.

_Why am I doing this to myself?_

Hairu looks up into Arima's face, shadows hanging down it, bags under his eyes. _I_ want _it._

 _I don't even know why, but I do. And I want to have something I want._ For once it's not something out of her reach. It's in her body. She glares at the woman.  _Fuck you. Fuck you, Tsuneyoshi. Fuck—fuck me_. "I want to save my baby."

"Well then," says the ghoul. "I won't let them kill you. Or even taste you. You have my protection." She eyes Arima. "And he'll have to visit you, right?"

"Not often," Arima snaps. "Just—get her some tests, okay? Make sure the child's—"

"I think I know more about pregnancy than you would, Kishou," the ghoul sneers.

"You've never been pregnant," he counters. "And I was raised—"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I still have a uterus and you don't unless you're hiding an even bigger secret than I know about." She rolls her eyes. "I'm Yoshimura Eto. You might have heard of me as Tataksuki Sen."

Hairu gasps.

"Really?" groans Arima.

" _Really_ , Kishou. I should be the one asking that in such an incredulous tone. That was the strangest phone call I've ever gotten in my entire life, and I run Aogiri Tree." Eto covers her mouth. "Did I say that out loud? Oops."

"Don't endanger her!" Arima snaps.

"What, you mean now I can't let her go?" Eto raises her eyebrows. "Trust me, if I ever want to get caught, Kishou, I will be. This little cotton-candy haired princess isn't going to have anything to do with it."

"Hey!" Hairu snarls. Her thoughts whirl.  _I have to kill you. Somehow._  It's like this woman's a witch, and Arima's under her spell. She can save him.

Eto sashays away. "You coming,  _half_ -human girl?"

"I can't trust you," Hairu manages. "Arima, she'll kill us. Ghouls don't have morals."  _Arima, don't I matter? Arima-san!_

_Kishou..._

"I'm half a human genetically," Eto snaps, coming back. She reaches out to grasp Hairu's chin, pulling her face close. One kakugan glows. "I just choose to be a ghoul, because I'm a half-ghoul enough that no one would accept me." Her thumb strokes Hairu's cheekbone. "You're luckier than I am, according to what I imagine your principles are. You can pass."

Eto's words stick in Hairu like knives. She staggers to her feet, away from this half-grown cactus, and looks back at Arima.

"Here," he says softly, reaching into his pocket. He withdraws a phone, plain metal, and hands it to her. "Call if there's a problem. I'll visit soon."

 _Soon?_  "When?" she asks.  _Don't leave me!_

"What will you do?" asks Eto. "Coming, or going back to the Washuus?"

 _If I stay, I can take down Aogiri... help Arima, and save my baby._  The Washuus would thank her for it, and even if Arima wasn't able to convince them to let her keep the baby like he promised to try to do, they might change their minds if she kills Aogiri's leader. And then she can go back to Ui. Hairu hunches her shoulders. A lump grows in her throat.  _Arima, I don't understand._

_Arima, why?_

_You're so powerful. You're the God of death. You're my god. You can't be so weak._

If he's weak, what is she?

"Arima-san?"

He just looks at her. "Soon."

And then he's gone.

* * *

"Anything?" Saiko Yonebayashi rushes across the street to intercept Ui. "Anything on—First Class Ihei, Ui?"

He shakes his head. The word  _no_  sizzles on his tongue, but he can't bring himself to say it.

Yonebayashi's face falls, and she covers her face with her hands.

"Come on, Saiko," says Shirazu Ginshi, reaching for her. She falls against his chest, sobbing loudly, messily, and Shirazu just awkwardly pats her shoulder, her blue pigtails. Ui remembers when Hairu cried in the bathroom. He should have reached out more to her.

He heads to the office, to wait again for clues. They're acting as if she's dead already. Well, she might not be, and Ui— _God, stop it!_  he yells at himself.  _Stop it._

"How're you holding up?" inquires a voice.

Ui peers up from where he's been staring blankly at his emails, unable to so much as open any of them. Furuta Nimura stands there, lips pursed. "I hope you find her. We knew each other back in the Garden, you know."

Ui nods. "She mentioned it."

"I always thought she was a cute girl," Furuta says.

Ui frowns. There's something about the way Furuta's tone lilts that sets him on edge.

"Were you partners in more ways than one?" Furuta asks, voice low.

Ui's jaw drops. He can't speak.  _You—_

"Sorry," Furuta says with a shrug. "My bad. I just—I was looking through photographs from, you know, the scene—and there was what looked like a pregnancy test in her trash bin."

The world falls out from under Ui. He's still sitting there, but his lungs stick to his sternum, won't  _work_ , and his eyes feel as if they're being squeezed out of his skull, his brain with them. His heart slams and slams, impaling itself on his ribs. Furuta rambles on and on about how he must have been wrong and poor whoever Ihei was seeing and maybe it wasn't a ghoul at all but a jealous lover who attacked her.

"Sorry to shock you," Furuta says, clasping Ui's shoulder. He marches away, and Ui's left clutching his desk and wheezing.

"Are you okay?" Rikai asks as they pass by.

Ui nods, but he feels like he's about to vomit.  _That can't be._

_That can't be real._

_This can't be._

_Can't—_

_Hairu!_

He staggers out of the office, leaning back against the wall and trying to drag in air. Every breath lashes his throat.  _This can't be._

_She's pregnant?_

_With my child?_

_Please_ _—_ it's so unfair, it's so bloody fucking wrong, he should be holding her hand, he should be holding her, he shouldn't be finding out like this, not like this, finding out about a pregnancy that was, not that is, _no, maybe it still is_ _—look at the facts, Ui.  
_

 _Why didn't she tell me? Didn't she trust me?_  Maybe she was planning a way to tell him—yes, that seems like her.  _I would have liked to have known before you were certain. I could have bought the test for you._

His eyes throb, but he can't cry.

_Hairu's pregnant with my baby._

Unless the test was negative? Or maybe Furuta's wrong. Ui scrambles back into the office. Yusa greets him and he ignores the kid, pulling up photos on his computer. His fingers shake. He scrolls through the photographs from Hairu's house. A small pink box sticks out from a photo of the trash bin. Ui frowns and enlarges the can't make out too much of it, so he googles  _pregnancy test._ Ui squints.

It definitely looks like it.

Ui leaps to his feet. His chair clatters to the ground. There's no denying it.

"Eep!" shrieks Shio in surprise.

He can't breathe. His spine stiffens and crackles. He clutches his skull.

"Ui?" demands Hirako. "Are you—"

He gapes at his partner. "I—sorry."  _Calm down. You have to come down._

_That was a—_

_Hairu is—was—my—_

Ui turns and strides out of the room. Hirako hurries after him. " _What?"_

"We're not giving up yet," Hirako says. "Ui, that blood. I got the report back this morning."

Ui doesn't want to hear this. He wants to plug his ears and sing and block out the words that will kill him. "It's hers?"

" _No."_

Ui whirls around, eyes popping now. "She's—it's not hers?"

Hirako shakes his head. "It's a ghoul's."

"A ghoul's?" Ui's heart pounds. He can't figure out if he's relieved—his chest aches—or if he's even more terrified—his hands shake—worst fears confirmed—but not hers—she's probably completely—no—but that box, that  _box_. "Where—are her belongings?"

Hirako's jaw drops. "She might not be dead."

"I just—needed to check something," Ui says. "A lead."

He stumbles into the hallway, head spinning. Suzuya shouts and chases after Abara Hanbee, shrieking something about candy.  _If she was pregnant—_

_Mine—_

_Oh God, oh God, oh God._ Ui runs his hands through his hair. Furuta Nimura lingers with Kijima. When Kijima spots Ui, he tips his chin downwards. "Apologies for your loss, Ui."

"She might not be dead," Ui protests. He bites his tongue. Blood, bitter and stinging, fills his mouth. He swallows.  _They might not be—they can't be—oh God—_

"Of course not," Furuta says sympathetically. He looks as if he regrets what he just shared.

"Whoever took Princess Hairu down must be a formidable foe," muses Kijima, and Ui wants to kick him.

 _Was she caught off guard because of the baby? She wouldn't have wanted to hurt it—she still hurt a ghoul._ Ui grits his teeth. Those monsters—hurting a pregnant woman—

"What would you think of me torturing one of those ghouls?" sneers Kijima, stepping closer. The man reeks of stale sweat. Ui recoils. Furuta's eyes slide back and forth between his partner and Ui. "Considering what they did to your partner."

 _Hairu—my baby—_ Ui can feel it pulsating in his wrists, in his throat, pumping through his chest and legs. He would tear that ghoul to pieces. Limbs by appendage by hair.

He needs to shake his head. Can't let this smug bastard look at him like that. It's not justice.

_Hairu…_

Furuta turns and head down the hallway, and after a moment, Kijima follows. Furuta glances over his shoulder at Ui.

They refuse to release Hairu's possessions to him, and he can't bring himself to ask if there was a pregnancy test in her trash bin just to see if he could tell whether it was positive or not.

When had she started suspecting? He remembers her crying in the bathroom again, and breakfast shoots up his throat. Those stomach bugs— _good grief, Ui, you are stupid!_

How did this happen? He should have been more careful.

He wishes he could worry about it with her.

_Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you trust me?_

"I miss her," he hears a voice saying.

 _Yonebayashi?_ For the first time Ui feels some kind of gratitude towards that girl.

"How do you get over it?" Saiko asks. "I don't want—anyone else to die, Shiragin."

Ui leans back against the wall.  _How do you get over it?_  He spreads his fingers out. They feel so empty, chasms between them.

"You never do," Shirazu says gruffly.

"Never?" Saiko yelps. Someone's shoes squeak against the tiled floor. Ui listens, unable to break into their conversation.

"You just fight harder to keep everyone around you alive." Shirazu's voice grates. "That's all you can do. None of you are gonna die. Promise you that, Saiko."

 _You can't promise,_  Ui thinks.  _You fool._ He remembers what he's heard about Shirazu's sister and her disease.  _We're all going to die._

_I just can't stand it being Hairu._

* * *

"So who is your baby daddy?" Eto asks as the doctor—Kanou—draws blood from Hairu's arms. She sucks in her breath as the needle pricks her skin.

"It doesn't matter," Hairu retorts. She doesn't want to think about Ui. The longer she's away the more upset he'll be, and she doesn't want him to be upset with her. He likes her.  _Please don't stop liking me._

Eto chuckles. "So you don't love him?"

"None of your business!" How dare this demon cabbage head try to insert her opinion where it's not welcomed? She wonders what love would feel like, what it would be like to see someone smile when she appeared. Her mother never got the chance to do that. Arima left her with this ghoul. A lump grows in her throat.

"I'll give you a sonogram," says Kanou. "If that's okay with you."

His voice sends a shudder through Hairu. There's something slimy about the man. His hands tremble when she nods.

"Can I see the quarter-ghoul spawn?" Eto chortles.

"My baby's not a ghoul!" Hairu shoots back.  _Don't insult it!_  "My humanity won out—yours—"

"I'm not commenting on my humanity, but yours  _won_  out? How, exactly? You're going to die young, you know that, right?"

Her words slap Hairu. The gel Kanou spreads on her belly is cold. She shivers. Tears prick her eyes. "I'll make the most of my time."

"How exactly?" Eto presses again. Her smile curves over her cheeks, twisting her face. "You're hiding from that human, aren't you? The baby daddy?"

"Stop calling him that!" Hairu shouts, sitting up.  _I'm not hiding! I don't have a choice!_

"Lie back down, Ihei," Kanou says, pressing her shoulders and lowering her to the table. His voice sends her skin crawling.

"I mean, if you make a living killing the species that helped create you, I'd hardly say you're any better than me," Eto continues. "I kill people. You kill people."

"I don't kill humans!"

"I said people, not humans." Eto twists a strand of her mint-colored hair.

Kanou lets out a snort to cut off a snappy retort. He wheels the sonogram machine around for her to see it.

A grainy white blob on a dark gray screen squirms, wriggling inside of her, though she can't feel it. Hairu's words catch in her throat.  _That's my baby?_

She wishes Koori were here.

He might smile at this image.

"Looks like a quarter monster," Eto says. "A fish one."

Hairu wrenches away from Kanou and the wand pressing into her abdomen. She lunges at Eto.

"Don't even try," Eto snarls. A kagune emerges. Hairu freezes. "Unless your child really is just an experiment to you. In which case, I might introduce you to my parents because you'd have something in common, but one's dead and the other's being harvested in your labs. The Owl, that is. You've heard of him, I believe."

 _The Owl—your father?_  Hairu's face drains.

"He deserves to suffer. There's no obligation to love someone who doesn't love you back," Eto continues. She points at Hairu's stomach. "If you really want to have that—thing—you better keep that in mind, Cotton Candy."

_You were bred for a purpose. You are the hope of mankind._

"My baby's not a tool!" Hairu screams at her. Hot and cold wash through her in waves. She shakes, balling her fists. "He's not! She's not! My baby's—don't you dare!"

"I didn't dare," Eto says, regarding her with an inscrutable look in her eyes, one a soft green, and one a blazing kakugan. "You did. The father's clearly not important to you if you're just letting him—"

"Shut  _up,_ you green _bitch!"_

"Think of your child before you get stressed," Eto mocks. "See, you're proving my point already."

"You're trying to provoke me, you fucking—Grinch wannabe—"

"You can do better than that," Eto chuckles. "Bubblegum."

"If I had my quinque right now—"

"You'd what? Everyone in Aogiri would love to eat you, and your baby too, and I'm keeping them from doing that. But as we've already established, your pride matters more to you, doesn't it?" Eto crosses her arms. "More than your child's life, more than your own. It's what you were  _made_  for. In a lab."

Hairu's chest heaves. "I'm not a tool."

"We have something in common, then," Eto says. "But it's still what I was made for, and you too."

"Go to hell."

Eto steps closer, leering up at Hairu. Her breath smells of blood. "We're already in hell, Hairu, and I'm the devil. You think Arima's going to save you? I see how you look at him."

Hairu recoils. The door opens, and in walks Arima Kishou. He blinks at the small room, hidden from the general public. "Hello."

"Arima!" Hairu shrieks, rushing towards him.

"This pink bimbo has a superiority complex to rival your father's, Kishou," Eto comments, crossing her arms and leaning back against he brown table. The paper covering it crinkles. Kanou washes his hands in the sink.

Hairu's face burns. "She's threatening—"

"You're the one who said 'if I only had my quinque,'" Eto mocks.

Arima's gaze darts from Eto to Hairu to Eto again. For the first time since Hairu's met him, he looks bewildered.

"Here's an image of your child, Ihei," says Kanou, reaching out to hand her a small photograph.

Her breath catches in her throat, and all the insults strangling her fall away. She grasps the image, focusing on the tiny fetus. She can't fathom that that's how they all began, everyone in this room—Arima, Kanou, her, Eto even.

"Wow," says Arima, looking down at her.

Her heart leaps. She smiles up at him, tracing the image.  _It's not your child though._  "How's Koori?"

"He's the baby daddy, isn't he?" croons Eto. "At last, he finally gets a mention."

Arima's face whitens. He reaches out to grasp the doorknob on the closed door. " _Ui_ —is—"

"Don't be mad at him, please!" Hairu cries. At the very least, she can't have that. Ui's been so kind to her—she should have taken precautions—he didn't do anything wrong or anything she didn't want him to do.

 _If Arima's response to the image is 'wow,' what would yours be, Koori?_  Hairu wonders.  _Would you be happy? Would you like it like you like me?_

"I'm not," Arima manages. "I'm—surprised, that's all."

Hairu blinks.

"So shocked?" mocks Eto. "Surprised Kishou's not as perfect as you might think? There are things you don't know about him that would send you into a miscarriage from shock."

That's it. Hairu punches Eto.

"Stop!" Arima reaches out to grab both of them, yanking them apart. Eto glares at Hairu, and for the first time, Hairu sees something like true hate sparking in her eyes. Her lips curl as if Hairu's something new, not an object to dump scorn on, but an actual threat now.

Tears prick Hairu's eyes. "I  _want_  my baby."

Eto pulls back with a huff. She crosses her arms over her chest.

"Ui is all right," Arima says. "Worried for you."

"If I wrote him a letter, could you arrange for it to be mailed form Hokkoido?" Hairu asks. "Since that's where he thinks I am."

"We'll see," Arima says briskly. "I won't be here for the rest of the week. Eto, keep her safe, and—try not to fight."

 _Don't go,_  Hairu wants to plead. But he's saving her and her baby. "It will take a  _week_  for you to be able to talk to Tsuneyoshi?"

"Yes." He offers no explanation.

She swallows as he leaves.

Eto watches her, a green tint from the yellow lighting filtering through her hair shading her face.

"Thank you," Hairu says stiffly to Kanou. Eto takes her back to the place where she's been hiding out.

"Time for me to leave," Eto says lightly. She pauses. "Oh, and about Kishou. He's very much not the man you think he is. I said I was the devil. I'm really more of a demon. He's the devil."

Hairu's head snaps up. "Don't—he said not to—"  _Please_.

"You're pathetic for obeying everything he says, and even more for believing everything he says," Eto tells her. "If your lover works at the CCG—which is my presumption now—you know he got me and Tatara to go and dump blood over your apartment. And wreck it. Your lover thinks you're dead. Killed by a ghoul, which I presume he's only too happy to believe."

_What? Koori—there's no way!_

"Liar!" Hairu screams at the door as she shuts it. "You're lying! You're—" She whips out her phone, texting Arima.  _You have to know what this witch is saying about you!_

But hours tick by.

And Arima doesn't respond.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! There's slightly less Ui this chapter, apologies.

"You want to go to karaoke?" Hirako asks.

Ui shakes his head. He always goes alone anyways, but clearly Hirako's pitying him. Ui glares at the computer screen. The smell of stale coffee makes him nauseated. _Hairu. Hairu. My baby._

Can you mourn someone you never knew existed? _Why wasn't I trustworthy enough?_ He covers his mouth and hopes the pale glow burns his eyes.

"Okay." Hirako grabs his briefcase. Silver moonlight pours through the window, cutting across his desk.

 _Hirako, Take, she was pregnant,_ he wants to call.

_It's mine._

_I've lost everything and I didn't even know that I had it._

Hirako leaves, and Ui can't make himself say anything.

A rustle behind him. Ui leaps up. It's Arima, locking up his office. He looks at Ui, inscrutable as ever. "You should get some rest, Special Class Ui."

"I was just hoping we might find another clue," Ui says, heart thumping.

"We have a big operation coming up. We need your focus elsewhere," Arima states, adjusting his briefcase. It thumps on the desk.

He might as well have kicked Ui. He swallows. "Yes, sir."

"Good." Arima clears his throat.

"The blood wasn't hers, though," Ui tries. "Hirako said it was from a ghoul. She could be alive." _Don't you care? Why don't you care?_

_Why am I alone in caring so much?_

_My child._

_Hairu._

He'll find her, or what happened to her, no matter what. He can't give her up. Or his child. Ui grips the desk so tightly his knuckles crack.

"We can focus on Ihei after the Rose operation," Arima says. He studies Ui, a strange look on his face. Disapproval? For what? For caring about Hairu? _Am I that transparent?_

_The longer we wait, the worse the odds!_

"You knew her from the Garden, right?" Ui asks. He's desperate. _What was she like as a child?_

"I did." Arima lifts his briefcase. "We were taught good survival skills, Ui. If anyone can make it, she would. That being said, in all likelihood, she's already dead."

 _No!_ His words show Ui underwater, and he can't swim for the surface. His lungs won't work. _She's not, don't say that!_

_We were going to have a baby!_

Maybe. She didn't tell him. Maybe she didn't get the chance.

_Even if you don't want the baby, let me know. I just want to hear it from your lips. I just want you here._

_God, please. Give her more time._

Arima leaves, and Ui wants to throw something at the man. _How can you be so cold? You were the last person to talk to her before she was attacked!_

He trudges outside and lights a cigarette. Embers glow and flicker as they fall to the ground.

"Working late?"

Ui jumps. Furuta Nimura glances at him, locking the door behind him. "So are you, apparently."

Furuta shrugs. "Anything on Ihei?"

Ui sucks in the spicy smoke. He shakes his head.

"Shame." Furuta sighs. "Soon we'll be missing a lot more investigators. Most likely. With this operation commencing."

Ui blows the smoke out. "She might not be dead."

"Right," Furuta says quickly, and Ui hates that. Still, he offers a cigarette to Furuta. "No thanks. I don't smoke. Don't want to die any younger than I already will."

"That's not a great attitude to have," Ui reprimands the man. "If you fight smart, you won't die at all. And you're from the Garden. You've received special training." Clouds cover the moon.

"No one ever thought I was as gifted as the likes of Ihei or Arima," says Furuta.

"If you work hard," says Ui. "Your story isn't over yet."

A smile curves Furuta's lips. "No, it's not." He straightens. "You should get some rest, Special Class Ui. If you're tired, you'll make mistakes. We can't lose someone else."

_She's not confirmed dead!_

_Look at the facts._

_Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!_ Ui drops the cigarette to the ground and grinds it out with his heel, stomping on it. "What was she like? In the Garden?"

Furuta cocks his head to the side. "Cute. And a fierce fighter. She was always the top of her class, but she was several years behind me, so I don't recall exactly, apologies." He taps his chin. "Oh, she was a huge Arima fangirl. Like everyone there really, only for her it was even more intense. It was obvious that she had an _adorable_ schoolgirl crush on him." He tips his chin down. "Have a good night, Ui."

Ui watches him go.

He feels hollow.

* * *

A now familiar surge of nausea pulls her from her sleep. Hairu rolls over and vomits into a basin Eto left by her bed. _How long is this going to continue?_ she wonders. Her first trimester, which is… not close enough to being over. Kanou said she's seven weeks.

Hairu leans back against the cot Eto set up for her in this tiny closet-like room, sucking in her breath. A salty smell meets her nose. She wrinkles it.

"Sick again?" calls Eto from outside the room. "Got you breakfast."

"I don't want it."

"You're going to have to eat for your baby," croons Eto, swinging the door open and thrusting a bowl of eggs at Hairu. "Don't look at me with such surprise. I'm half human by nature; I can cook and eat human food. I just prefer to live as a ghoul."

"You're in an awfully good mood," Hairu mumbles, taking the bowl. Outside, dawn glows a candle yellow. "Killed a cat?"

Eto whistles. "More like plucked a rose."

Hairu frowns.

"Your hero didn't write back to you, did he?" Eto clucks her tongue. "Poor baby. I wonder how you can raise a kid, Bubblegum, when you're still—"

"I'm not the one throwing stupid insults!"

Eto arches an eyebrow. "You were the other day." Her lips press into a thin line as she advances. She might be tiny, but with each step, the floor seems to shudder. "Doesn't the fact that Arima Kishou associates with me prove that he isn't who you want him to be?"

"I know who he is!" Hairu shoots back. "We were raised the same—"

"Yes, and he's clearly smarter than you and has figured out how fucked up this world is." Eto leans closer. "I have a secret for you, Ihei Hairu." Her voice drops to a whisper. "I'm the Owl you tried to suppress, back when all those investigators died. And Arima's known that for years, and we're working together to bring the world everyone who raised you in down."

 _Owl_ —Hairu remembers Shinohara Yukinori, covered in blood, and Suzuya Juuzou screaming. She remembers Sasaki. She remembers Akira, so composed even after the death of her father, breaking down and confessing how she loved Amon Koutarou and Takizawa Seidou, and it was too late for them—too late for all of them.

Hairu slams her bowl down. "You're a lying bitch."

"You're under no obligation to love someone who doesn't love you back," Eto hisses, kakugan glowing.

"Not like you would know," Hairu snaps. "You have no idea what love even is."

"Like you do?" Eto snorts. "You better figure it out, Bubblegum." She eyes Hairu's hair.

"Call me that again and I'll—"

"Do what? You're helpless here. I'm the one with a built-in weapon, and nothing to protect."

Hairu's heart pounds. "You promised Arima—"

"I don't keep my promises for Arima. I keep them because I need him to do _something_ ," Eto taunts.

Hairu narrows her eyes.

"Just what does he represent to you?" Eto asks. "Your own hopes and dreams? Of strength? Or murdering the big bad ghouls? How does it feel to know he has a ghoul friend—"

Hairu's mind swims. Her lungs won't work. It feels as if she's drowning. _Your humanity won out in your mother's womb. You'll have to prove it._

Her body, lacking a kakugan and kagune, wasn't enough. She wasn't enough."You're human too—"

"I'm a ghoul because I want to be!" Eto shouts.

"He has an explanation; I'm sure of it!" Hairu insists.

"Face reality, Bubblegum. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't care about anyone and if he did he wouldn't know how to show it." Eto's eyes glitter. "He cares about his mission—that's all he's allowed to care about. That's all you're allowed to care about too, right? Right?" Her fingers reach out to press Hairu's flat stomach. "Except you _failed_. A failed failed half-ghoul. A failed half-human. A failed weapon—"

Hairu wrenches backwards.

"You know what happens to people who become obsessed with someone else who doesn't love them?" Eto asks. "They lose themselves."

"And you?" Hairu manages, prying the words from her throat. They come hot, scalding her tongue. "What did you fail at?"

Eto's lips curl. She pales. "Fuck you."

Hairu crosses her arms. She can breathe again, having pushed Eto down a notch.

"Eto?" calls a gruff voice. A ghoul with a red mask—Tatara—appears. His eyes narrow when he sees her. "An—"

"Don't you start on me, Tatara," snaps Eto. "She's under my protection, okay? She's going to have a baby."

"A baby who will kill more ghouls like Yan?" Tatara shouts.

"How many humans did your Yan kill?" Hairu shouts. _We just want to live—and to live, you have to kill, and to live, we have to kill you—_

"You don't know when to quit, do you, Pinky?" Eto rolls her eyes. "Enjoy your food. I didn't spike it with blood." She flounces out of the room. Tatara glowers at her, and Hairu glowers back.

He leaves, and she's alone again.

 _You really lied to Ui, didn't you, Arima?_ she thinks. _He thinks I'm dead._

_Is he mourning?_

She hugs a pillow to her chest. She molds the pillow around her stomach and imagines herself in a few months, with a baby bump. Kanou said the child's growing normally. It's viable.

She picks up the eggs Eto made her. They're cold now, and too salty. Ui would like them. He likes salty food. But they stay in her stomach.

She imagines him crying, and she cringes. She doesn't want him to cry.

Her phone lights up. A text from Arima.

Hairu scrambles to answer it.

_How are you feeling?_

That's it. No admission. No denial. Hairu's thumbs hover over the button. _Fine_.

She throws the phone against the wall instead of replying.

Hairu gets to her feet and opens the door. _You're going to tell me what Arima's doing with you, you green bitch._

Hairu makes her way down a narrow flight of stairs. A light bulb blinks above her head. The wood creaks under her feet.

A laugh comes through the air.

" _I will be your god."_

Eto.

Hairu frowns. She steps forward, testing her weight before putting her foot down. Peeking into the room, she spots Eto, wrapped in what look like mummy wrappings and otherwise nude, laughing at a creature crouched on the floor, shoulders slumped. Blood dribbles down the lavender-haired man's face. Eto holds up a needle to the light. The creature looks up, and Hairu jumps. The man's eyes are stitched shut, and the lips halfway stitched shut.

"Almost there," Eto purrs, approaching the man from behind. She inserts the needle into the man's upper lip.

 _Dear God!_ Hairu wrenches herself back. Bile burns her throat. She claps her hand over her mouth. _Is this really the type of person you call a friend, Arima?_

Then again, it's probably a ghoul.

"Not that it's any different," coos Eto. "Your master wouldn't even notice if you can't speak, since you never say what you really mean to him. He won't notice what you can't see because he can't see you either—though he could. He just chooses not to, right?"

Hairu peers around the corner again. Something leaks down the ghoul's cheeks, blood and water mingling together.

"He doesn't love you, Kanae."

Hairu balls up her fists.

The ghoul's screaming now, a muffled groan, and Hairu can't watch anymore. She turns and stumbles back to her room. _Fuck you, Arima!_

No. She can't blame him. Not him. Fuck Eto. She grabs the phone, chest heaving.

_Where will the justice be?_

Even if it's a ghoul. It's wrong. Ui would think so. _This is why we're better than they are._

She stares at her phone and wishes she could text him instead of Arima.

A wave of nausea washes over Hairu and she curls up on the bed. If she had a quinque it might be better to just kill it, stop it from being hurt, stop it from hurting others, but she doesn't have one.

_You will carry out justice. You are humanity's best tools for justice, because you've been battling these monsters since your conception._

_You owe it to your humanity. You owe it to any god._

Hairu gets to her feet and peers at the uneven mirror. She tucks pink strands behind her ears and smiles.

_I'm an investigator._

She waits until Eto's delivered a sandwich to her room, which Hairu forces down, and then she makes a phone call and slips out of her room and towards the tortured ghoul. She doesn't have a quinque, but she has her brain and her body. She can fight if necessary.

Hairu enters the room to find the ghoul wilting, tied to the wall, eyes and lips sewed with so much thread they looked as if a spider spun a web over them. The ghoul flinches as it hears her approaching.

 _You can't eat me with that mouth sewn shut_.

"You should get out of here," Hairu says. She called in an anonymous tip into the CCG, telling them there's a ghoul with purple hair loose in this general area so they can kill it after it leaves. She can't risk them finding her until Arima assures her it's all right for her to come back. Because he has to be planning that. He can't intend for her to stay here all these months. And at least the ghoul won't be tortured. _Where would the justice be in that?_

"Mmph?" asks the ghoul.

Hairu fumbles with the knots on the ropes, struggling to free the ghoul. She had to be anonymous, because Arima would be mad if she wasn't. _He's going to talk to Tsuneyoshi._

_He told Koori I'm dead._

_What if he has no intention of doing so? What if he's just leaving me here?_ Hairu shakes her head. He wouldn't. Not Arima.

The moment the ghoul's free, its kagune surges towards her. Hairu screams. The ghoul claws at its eyes, pulling the threads out. They drip with blood, and the ghoul glowers at her. Its face dissolves into confusion, as if it had been expecting to see anyone besides a human.

"You should run," Hairu says. Hopefully straight into investigators who will take care of this ghoul for her.

The ghoul stiffens. Pink eyes dart around.

"Bye," says Hairu, turning to leave.

"Just where do you think you're going, Ihei?" cackles a voice that sends shudders down Hairu's spine.

* * *

Kanae doesn't understand why this pink-haired human is freeing her. She should be food. Why else would Eto keep her around?

But now Takizawa Seidou grins at the woman— _Ihei_ , he called her—his kagune forming behind him like a blood-red cloud. "I don't think Eto and the others at Aogiri will be thrilled to hear that their guest is freeing their fun."

Kanae bristles.

"I remember you," Takizawa continues. "Come around to the ghoul side, have you, Ihei?"

 _Remember_ —so this woman used to be a dove? Kanae hunches her shoulders.

"You never seemed like you were afraid of anything," seethes Takizawa. "We'll see how you feel when I send Arima back your head." His kagune lashes out.

Ihei dodges, spinning on her heel and rolling away. She springs back to her feet. The girl might not have a quinque, but she's not helpless. Her darts and jumps are precise, measured. She knows what she's doing. _A dangerous dove._

"I'm under Eto's protection!" shouts Ihei.

"And I'm hungry!" shouts Takizawa, laughing like a maniac as he springs to a corner, shaking with anticipation as he licks blood off his lips, eyes gleaming as he takes in Ihei. "Don't think Eto will respond well to you releasing her entertainment."

Kanae's lips throb. She gulps. _I have to get back to Master Shuu—I've been away too long, and Sasaki—_

"I heard you're pregnant. Wonder if your baby will add flavor to—"

Ihei snatches one of Eto's needles. _Like that'll help._ She twists, her position shielding her stomach.

Takizawa lunges again, and this time Kanae's kagune shoots out, clashing with the other ghoul's.

Takizawa lets out a bellow, whirling to face Kanae. She crouches. The dove gapes at her. Kanae gestures. _Get back to your room. Lock the door._

Takizawa flies at Kanae. She leaps to the side, slashing at him. _I have to get out of here—get back to Master Shuu—Master Shuu—_

His face, gaunt, fills her mind.

 _You're under no obligation to love someone who doesn't love you back._ Eto's taunts cut at Kanae.

The way the light poured back into his face, poured out of him, when she told him Kaneki was alive, surges and erases the first image. _I have to love him._

_You are to me what Kaneki is to you._

_Without you, I'll wither and die._

Kanae tries to scream, some of the threads around her lips ripping apart. She thrusts her rinkaku, driving Takizawa back into the wall. Her arm shoots out to grab Ihei and drag her away from Takizawa.

Ihei lashes out, twisting free only to come face to face with an enraged, drooling Takizawa.

"Fuck, never mind!" Ihei leaps back. Kanae blocks a blow from the other ghoul and slams the door shut, locking it from the outside. His kagune shatters through the wood, sending splinters slicing through the air.

Kanae charges up a flight of stairs. Ihei swears and races after her. Thudding echoes behind them. Kanae spots a window, dusky magenta sky, the color of a rotting rose, calling to her.

She throws herself against the window. Her arms swing out to grasp Ihei, pulling her with her. Ihei screams as they plummet three stories.

"The fuck are you doing?" Ihei yells at her.

She points. Takizawa flies after them.

They wheel around a corner, charging through the streets. Kanae's lungs ache. She can barely breathe because of the stitches still clinging to her mouth. She rips more of them away.

Voices ring out. Kanae freezes. Even in the distance, she recognizes the shape of the objects in their hands. _Quinques._

_Doves._

Kanae skids and rushes to her left. Ihei curses and hesitates, and the sight of Takizawa is too much. Ihei keeps up with her.

_So you're running from doves too? Why?_

Kanae ducks behind a dumpster, reeking of trash and waste and rotten coffee grinds. Ihei crouches next to her.

"Why is a dove hiding with a ghoul?" rasps Kanae. Her voice comes out muffled. Does it have to do with being pregnant?

Ihei glares at her. "None of your business."

"I need to get back to Master Shuu."

"Shut it!" Ihei peers around the edge of the dumpster. Her breaths come short. She recoils, and Kanae tenses. _Who's coming?_

No one. Ihei doubles over and gags.

Kanae frowns. She reaches out and holds Ihei's hair back, remembering holding Master Shuu's hair as he vomited, then screamed about how it didn't satisfy, how nothing would satisfy except for Kaneki. Fucking Kaneki.

"I have to get back," Ihei wheezes. "Arima—he said—she—he needs me to hide while he—"

"It's his fault," Kanae says. "Kaneki's."

Ihei gapes at her. "Who the fuck—"

" _Sasaki_." Dampness seeps into the knees of Kanae's pants. "I have to get back to Master Shuu."

"The doves will—"

"Do you care?"

Ihei frowns.

"Takizawa'll come for you," Kanae says. "He doesn't give up."

Ihei's eyes narrow. "Doves will—"

"He's a friend to no one now," Kanae says, shifting. The putrid smell churns her own stomach. _Gross_.

She and Ihei look at each other, shadows cloaking both of their faces, but that doesn't matter, because they've seen each others' faces. She's a dove and she let Kanae go from Eto, she didn't turn Kanae in to the doves for whatever ulterior reason she has. And Kanae saved a freaking dove from a ghoul.

 _This isn't how it should be_. It's unnatural, them tied together like this, crouching behind a dumpster from pursuers, ghouls and doves.

She could laugh at the ludicrousness if Eto's stitches weren't still keeping half of her lips shut. "What's your name?"

"Ihei Hairu. 0 Squad," she adds, pride in her voice.

"Kanae von Rosewald."

Ihei's eyes bulge. "You— _Rose!"_

Kanae's kagune bursts out. She recognizes that spark. That hate. The investigators who killed her family had that look in their eyes.

" _Run, Karren! Arunolt shouted. "Nathanael and I will meet you there—promise! I promise you! Run!"_

She ran, as fast as her legs could carry her, and no one was there to meet her. The ghouls she ran to put her on a plane straight to Shuu. _My name—my name, I've tried to hide it for so long—it's all pointless, it's my name, it's who I am._

 _It means forest of roses._ Shuu smiled at her, all those afternoons ago, sunlight drenching his face and the red, red rose in his hand.

Ihei leaps to her feet, mouth opening.

"Whoa!" Someone clatters onto the dumpster. Kaanae whirls, ready to strike.

Nishio Nishiki gapes at them.

"Serpent!" shouts Ihei.

"Dove! Von Rosewald!" Nishiki's bikaku surges out. Ihei tenses for battle.

"Don't kill her!" Kanae snaps.

"Huh?"

"What are you doing here?" Kanae demands.

"Looking for that piece of shit Torso—why the hell are you here anyways? And where have you been? I heard you've been missing—Shuu's worried—"

 _He's worried?_ Kanae can't even speak. _I didn't mean to worry you, Master!_

"And Jesus, what the fuck happened to you? You forget where to put your sewing needle?"

"Eto," Kanae spits. "Aogori. And this woman too." She gestures to Ihei. "Takizawa was after us."

Nishiki shakes his head. "That dude's lost his mind." He clears his throat and looks at the two of them. "You want some coffee?"


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! A bit of a slow chapter, but to make up for it I might post the next one on Sunday instead of Monday.

_So many dead._

Ui stands there, numb, as the hallways of the CCG reek of sweat and blood and the sound of tears echoes and echoes. It reminds him of the Owl Suppression Operation. His limbs ache, heavy, and his mind replays Sasaki's insanity on that roof again and again and again and again.

And Tsukiyama Shuu got away, the bastard.

Kijima's dead.

Furuta survived, poor guy. The only survivor. He lost his partner too, but Ui can hardly bring himself to feel anything.

Hairu—she's still missing.

The fact that so many other investigators are mourning alongside him, trying to plug the bleeding wounds this operation left them with, gives Ui not a shred of comfort. More empty chairs just means everyone will expect him to move on, and he needs to, the expectation is fair, it's _right_ , but his hands shake. Their deaths only splattered him with ideas of what might have happened to Hairu.

And the survivors can weep, and he—he still can't.

Yonebayashi Saiko moves past him, sobbing into her hands, Mutsuki Tooru's arm around her. Ui recalls the conversation he overheard between her and Shirazu Ginshi.

He's dead now too.

"It's not fair," sniffles Ihei Shio, sliding up to Ui.

"It is what it is," he says, because it's the only thing he can say.

The kid glares up at him, and those eyes, those Ihei eyes, green and huge and rimmed with lashes, spark in fury. "It's _still_ not fair." Tears overflow, and he drops his head, shoulders shaking.

"It's—" What can he say? The words catch in his throat.

_It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair._

He's not sure which of them moves first, but he's holding Shio against his chest, and the boy's sobbing and sobbing and sobbing. And Ui still can't cry, but his eyes are squeezed shut, salt burning against his lids.

" _What?" Hairu asked when she got up before him one morning. She almost never woke up before him; he'd usually have to nudge her. She paused on her way to the bathroom, the same filmy white pajamas she wore the first night she stayed over his place covering her, albeit slightly askew. She rubbed sleep from her eyes._

" _Morning," was all Ui said, but he wanted to say something more._ You're so beautiful. _The way dawn's soft glow illuminated her porcelain skin, highlighting the crease in her face from where she slept on the blanket, the curves of her cheekbones. Every time she kissed him, pulled him towards the bedroom, his or hers, he still had to pinch himself to believe it was real, that she wanted to be with him. And then sometimes her eyes would take a haunted hue, and he wondered._

Arima passes by and gives them a small nod. Shio pulls back, wiping his eyes and nose. "Thanks."

"It's okay," Ui says to him, voice soft.

Arima Yusa appears behind Shio. "Come on," he says to his friend. Rikai pulls Shio's elbow.

Ui watches the other two support Shio as they head down the hallways, chest raw and throbbing. The CCG suddenly feels too hot, like an oven, and he needs air. He stumbles outside. His fingers fumble for a cigarette.

"Will you—hate me—if I tell you something?" comes a sob. _Yonebayashi_.

_Christ, why am I always eavesdropping?_

"Of course not," Mutsuki's voice comes. Ui lights the cigarette, draws the comforting smoke into his lungs.

"We were having sex."

Ui chokes. He doubles over, the cigarette falling from his fingers and searing his boot. _Shit!_ He stomps it out and hacks.

Saiko and Mutsuki continue as if they aren't bothered by his presence just around the corner, or maybe they didn't hear. And Ui, he knows he should move, but he feels rooted in place.

"You and—Ginshi?" ventures Mutsuki, voice catching.

 _Please tell me you're not pregnant too._ Ui can't even imagine what a disaster that would be. Hairu—

"He understood me," says Saiko. Another sob escapes.

_Did she understand me? Did she even see me?_

_I saw her._

Mutsuki says nothing. Ui steals a glance around the corner. He sees that Mutsuki's clasped Saiko's hand.

"I love him," Saiko cries.

"It's like a tightness in your chest," Mutsuki says. "That's love—isn't it?" He sounds wistful. "And warmth?"

"I don't—know," Saiko whispers.

Ui squints up at the blue sky.

_Did I love her?_

When she was alive, he didn't feel a tightness in his chest. He felt her laugh rolling through him, her energy driving him crazy but also driving him to look at things in ways, in places, he never would've thought to look before. He remembers how she managed to eke out his name, how she tightened her hands around his shoulders, how her pink hair formed wispy clouds on his pillow, how the scene of her floral lotion lingered on the sheets, how she stuffed his mouth with sweet melon bread. _"Eat until you smile; you look like a grumpy old man!"_

He tried to eat melon bread last night. It tasted like ash, and when he breathed in the pillow she used to use, it only smelled like himself.

_I loved her._

_I love her._

* * *

_I left my phone with that bitch!_

Hairu's heart thumps in terror. She wraps her arms around her stomach, protecting it from these two ghouls. Serpent, and Rose. Now she has no way to reach Arima. He won't know what happened to her.

She has to get away. She has to go back. Back to him, back to Ui, back to the other doves—

 _I'm a traitor! I'm just going with them—but what choice do I have?_ She doesn't have a quinque.

 _Tsuneyoshi will have my head._ Her child won't get to breathe air. And Ui—fear seeps into Hairu like a freezing poison.

"A dove, a serpent, and a rose walk into a coffee shop," Nishio intones, pushing his glasses up his nose as he reaches into his pockets and pulls out a handful of jangling keys. He unlocks the glass door and closes it behind them.

 _I'm not like you! I'm no ghoul!_ Hairu wants to scream.

The aroma of coffee envelops her. She remembers lying in her bed, the sound of coffee grinding and the smell wafting over her as Ui made it for her in her kitchen.

"Kirishima!" Nishio hollers. "Touka, get your ass down here! I texted you!"

Thumping echoes behind a closed door. It swings open, and a man with white hair peers out at them. His eyebrows swing together as his gaze latches onto Hairu. An ukaku bursts forth.

 _Fuck!_ Hairu grabs a chair, hoisting it above her head and preparing to swing it,.

"Yomo! She's with us," Nishio interjects. "She saved Kanae!"

The ghoul's ukaku vanishes. He still glowers at her, eyes murderous as he takes in her 0 Squad trench coat. He turns to Kanae. "Von Rosewald."

Kanae nods. "I need to get back to my master—"

"The Tsukiyamas have been exterminated," Yomo cuts in. "The entire household is gone."

Hairu lowers the chair. The legs clatter on the tiles. Ui must have been there, but she wasn't—no chance to earn Arima's praise—did Ui earn it? He has to be okay—did other investigators get hurt? What if she'll never get to see him again because he's—

 _No. He's strong. He's the hope of our squad!_ Her thoughts spin and spin.

A cry shatters that maelstrom. Kanae claps both hands to his face, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Matsumae—Mairo—"

"Gone," Yomo confirms. "I'm sorry."

"Master—" Kanae doubles over, shaking and shaking. His arms clutch each other, as if he's trying to hold himself together. "Again—I've lost them again—"

 _Again?_ Hairu gapes.

Kanae glares up, glares at Hairu with two kakugans gleaming and glittering. Hairu reaches for the chair again. And then the kakugans disappear, replaced by pink irises and the whites stained red, and Kanae looks like a lost child.

 _Don't cry,_ Hairu remembers thinking about another student once in the Garden, unable to cry out, to warn them. _They'll see you._

They saw the other boy, and Hairu never saw him again.

"Tsukiyama Shuu is here," says Yomo. "Upstairs. And his father."

Kanae's eyes widen. Yomo again turns to stare at Hairu. Nishio does likewise.

"You can't leave," Yomo tells her.

"Are you kidnapping me?" Hairu demands, words hot in her throat. Not that she has a choice. _Tsuneyoshi_ — _I hope you died in this mission._

"We're—" Nishio clears his throat and stuffs his hands in the pockets of his jeans. "Well, you did, you know, enter here on your own."

"I'm not staying with you because you want to keep me here," Hairu snarls. "I'm staying because I—" She doesn't want to. She just doesn't have another option. Not until she finds Arima. _But..._

It's so familiar, having walls around her, sunlight pouring through windows, but the air saturated not with breezes and smog, but the smell of indoor things, coffee and cleaning supplies and even some flowers.

Nishio shrugs. "Whatever."

"I have to—see him," Kanae chokes out, stumbling towards the door.

"Not yet," Yomo snaps. "We don't know who betrayed—"

"I would _never_ —"

"Then where were—"

"Being tortured by Eto?" Hairu shoots back, stepping closer to Kanae. Of all the ghouls in this blasted café, at least Kanae saved her.

Yomo's face pales to the color of his hair. He gestures for Kanae to head upstairs, and he does. Hairu hesitates.

"You coming?" Nishio asks.

Hairu scowls and follows him. Her stomach churns again as she climbs the stairs and enters a small apartment. A plump couch sits against a window, and a girl with shaggy blue hair leans against the wall. A short girl with magenta hair sits across from an older man, and a handsome man with blue hair and impressive cheekbones looks up at them. His jaw drops.

"Master Shuu!" cries Kanae, rushing towards him. "I'm so sorry—I would have—"

"Kanae!" He springs at him, grabbing Kanae in his arms. "I thought—we thought you were—like everyone else—"

Kanae's cheeks blush. Hairu frowns. If she didn't know better, she would think this ghoul had feelings for the other ghoul.

_Ghouls are monsters._

_You are human._

But Kanae looks up at Tsukiyama Shuu like Ui looks at Hairu. Her stomach dances, and she swallows. They can't be. They'd turn on each other if they were hungry enough, rip each others' limbs off.

And Tsukiyama's eyes darken and kakugans emerge. His thumb reaches out to trace the threads still hanging from Kanae's skin. "Who did this to you?"

"Eto," Kanae says, ducking his head so that thick lavender hair, matted and greasy, covers his wounds. "The Aogiri Tree leader."

The girl with blue hair sucks in her breath. And then she focuses on Hairu, who narrows her eyes back. _Don't underestimate me, ghoul._

"I'll kill her," vows Tsukiyama, curling his fist. "That—that—"

And then her stomach lurches, and Hairu doubles over. She spots a small silver trash bin and races over, dropping to her knees and gagging into it. Only bile comes up. _This is never going to end!_

_I'm trapped._

"Did you have to eat human food?" asks the small girl with magenta hair.

 _Huh?_ Hairu peers at her.

"Here." Blue Girl hands Hairu a damp facecloth. Hairu accepts it, wiping sweat from her brow and bile from her lips.

"I think that one's a human, Chie," Nishio drawls.

"I can smell her," agrees Tsukiyama, turning to face Hairu. "Like a perfume."

Hairu recoils. _Don't you—_

"She helped me escape," Kanae says. "And she's pregnant."

 _Shit!_ Hairu flinches. Her heart starts to pound. These people have offered no guarantee of protection—though Kanae surely would—she finds Yomo watching her with a stricken look.

"Really?" questions Blue Girl. She studies Hairu, crouching down next to her. "I'm Kirishima Touka. What's your name?"

"She's a dove," Nishio says, leaning on the countertop. "No Torso today. Thanks for asking, by the way."

"Shut up, shitty Nishiki," snaps Touka.

"Shut up, shitty Touka!"

Yomo rolls his eyes. He turns away from Hairu.

"You're all ghouls," Hairu rasps. Her arms shake.

"Not me!" calls Chie, waving her arms around. "We're just the only people who can tolerate each other." She points to Tsukiyama.

Kanae glowers as if to say _in your dreams._

Hairu glares at them all, hauling herself to her feet. The apartment's walls close in around her. "I—"

"Why were you with Eto?" questions Nishiki. "Were you going to be—food? Did she decide to spare you once she found out you're pregnant?"

"No," snaps Hairu. "It's a long story."

"We have time," says Touka, cocking her head to the side.

Hairu shakes her head. Her hand shakes. "There's no point." _I need to get out of here. Get—back?_

Takizawa will surely tell Eto she freed Kanae. And then where will she go?

 _Arima, why did you leave me?_ She wants to stomp her foot and slap that man's face. _Help me!_

Touka's eyes narrow. "I want to understand why—"

"For what purpose?" demands Hairu. "I'm a CCG investigator. A human. You're a ghoul—"

"You remind me of someone I used to hate," Touka says. "He was just like you—he called me a monster when he first met me." She traces the edge of the countertop, rubbing the pad of her thumb against the corner.

"So you ate him?" Hairu demands. The counter feels cold against her back. She stumbles away.

"No, though Shuu tried." Touka rolls her eyes. "He's living elsewhere now, though. I miss him." Mist clouds her eyes.

"Then go to him," Hairu shoots back. _Don't pretend to have decency. You can't. You can't._

"It's complicated." Touka runs her hands through her hair. "You should get some rest if you're pregnant. How far along are you? Is—the father—"

"Is the father a ghoul?" asks Nishiki. "Is that why Eto had you? Part ghoul, part human?"

"He's a human!" Hairu screams at Nishiki. _How dare you! He's more—he's more—_

_More human than me._

"Whoa!" Nishiki's hands fly in the air. "Down, dove."

"Nishiki dated a human once," Touka says. "They broke up though."

 _What?_ Hairu gapes at Nishiki, who scowls as if he's none too pleased about Touka bringing up his ex. The idea of a human and a ghoul—when it's not what they've been bred to do, because they're monsters and it's not as if they have feelings or desires beyond killing—out of—what was it? Instinct? Maybe even ghouls get urges.

But Nishiki lets out a sigh, and the look on his face—it reminds Hairu the way she's felt the past few nights, lying awake at night with shadows from the moon creeping through the window and over her, listening to the sounds of Aogiri ghouls around her, and feeling the chill of sleeping alone even though she's been doing that the vast, vast majority of her entire life.

"If he's a human, where is he?" inquires Chie, hopping to her feet. She aims her camera at Nishiki.

"Mouse—" starts Tsukiyama.

She swats him. "I saved your life; you don't get to—"

The look on Kanae's face—it breaks Hairu. He lowers his head, eyes desperate, mouth trembling.

"But seriously, where is he?" asks Chie. "Is he dead? Is he a dove too?" She holds up her camera.

Hairu wrenches the camera away from Chie and holds it aloft. "I'll break this if you take my photo."

Chie turns white. "I won't."

" _Thank_ you." Hairu shoves it back in her hands.

"Is he dead?" Touka asks, hair obscuring one of her eyes.

Hairu shakes her head. _No_. He can't be. Unless he died facing—her eyes shift to Tsukiyama.

"So he's a dove," states Nishiki. "What's he look like? Maybe Tsukiyama saw him."

Tsukiyama scowls.

"It doesn't matter," Hairu says, voice wobbling. _What if I never see Ui again?_

_What if I never see Arima again?_

_I'll never earn his praise now. But if he were there—he wouldn't have let Eto keep torturing Kanae, would he?_

She doesn't even know the answer to that. Ui, she knows the answer. There's so much about Arima she doesn't know. The only thing she knows is what he looks like, and that he smiled at her, and that he said he would help her.

She never even asked Ui for help.

But Ui doesn't know what she is.

Touka tells Kanae and Hairu they can stay with her for the time being. Hairu agrees, but she knows she needs to get in touch with Arima as soon as possible. They need a new game plan. Eto surely won't want her back—maybe they can say the baby is theirs.

But Ui would know—or be devastated. She can't imagine lying to him about the baby.

_You've been lying to him this whole time._

She's so stupid. She should get rid of it.

_But I want it._

Kanae sits on the floor in the tiny guest room they've been shown to, plucking strings from his face. Tsukiyama plans to take the couch outside. Touka claims they're all in need of rest, though she, Yomo, and Nishiki plan to open the shop.

"When you leave," asks Kanae. "Are you going to tell the doves that ghouls run this shop?"

"Will you let me leave?" she retorts. But Hairu can't even make a decision now. She can't decide what she'll do after she leaves.

At the very least, that might give them a clean death?

Kanae swears and gets to his feet. Hairu leaps up, expecting a fight— _always be ready, don't hesitate,_ they would say, and then they would launch attacks when the kids were snuggled under blankets, or when they were eating, or when—but Kanae instead rushes out of the room, only to return a few minutes later with a tampon.

"I don't need those," Hairu says.

Kanae doesn't answer and ducks into the small bathroom.

 _Wait, what?_ "You're a—" Hairu blurts out. "Are you a boy, or—"

Kanae tugs at his hair. "Don't tell, please." Her request comes out small, vulnerable.

Hairu frowns. _So your master doesn't know._ From how enthusiastically he greeted him—her—she doubts Tsukiyama Shuu would be angry.

But Kanae's afraid. A ghoul. Of—another's opinion. Of hurting someone? Of not being what someone thinks you are, expects you to be?

Hairu squeezes her eyes shut as she lowers herself down onto the bed. "I won't."

She thinks of Ui. _If I told you, would you believe me? That my humanity really did win out? That I'm not a ghoul?_

_I'm not. I'm not. I'm not._

* * *

"Ui?"

He turns around, his fourth cup of black coffee burning in his stomach. Shio peers up at him, hands clasped. "Yes?"

"I can't rest until—" Shio gulps. "I heard Urie Kuki talking. About how they stole Shirazu Ginshi's body. I need—if Hairu—" His eyes fill with tears again. "I looked up to her. She was my cousin. She was so unbeatable."

Warmth seeps into Ui. _You admired her_.

"We all miss her," Rikai says, slipping out from behind a corner. The kid barely talks, and even now Rikai keeps their eyes fixated on the tiled floor, scuffing their toe against the edge of a black square.

Yusa nods.

"Is there anything we can do?" tries Shio. "I know—we have other investigations—but, Ui, we were just—next to Arima, she was the one we admired from the Garden the most."

 _And she's only twenty-one._ Awe stirs inside Ui. Hairu deserves to hear this praise. He'll make sure she hears it.

"Arima says the right thing to do is to—move on," Shio says, frowning. Rikai sips what looks like a hot chocolate. Yusa rubs his eyes as if he's tired. "But she's my cousin, Ui."

 _She was carrying my baby_. Ui wonders what it would have looked like. Boy or girl? Pink hair, or dark, like his? Green eyes or brown? His nose, her cheekbones? He or she wouldn't be tall, that's for sure.

 _The right thing to do is to move on._ He knows the odds.

"He told us we weren't allowed to talk about it anymore," Yusa whispers.

 _Not allowed?_ Ui's head swims. _You think I can forget my partner so easily, Arima?_

"No," he says. "We'll find out what happened to her, Shio, Rikai, Yusa. I promise." He has no idea how he'll keep that promise. But it will kill him if he doesn't.

"Do you like melon bread?" Shio asks. "She used to give it to me."

Ui nods. He turns back to his desk. He'll find her.

"I'll take you for melon bread," Hirako's voice says in the background. Ui frowns. "Ui, are you coming?"

He shakes his head and turns on his computer. Shio giggles as he follows Hirako out. Yusa lingers by his desk.

"Do you need something?" Ui asks.

Yusa shakes his head and moves to follow his friends.

_Hairu, will our child like melon bread?_

_Hairu, where are you?_

_Hairu, why didn't you tell me?_

_Hairu?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: Hairu makes a decision and Ui catches a break, finally.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

Hairu wakes up mid-afternoon needing to use the bathroom. She creeps out of the room, careful not to wake Kanae, whose mouth and eyes appear to be healing. Waking a sleeping ghoul would not be a good idea.

Hairu darts into the cramped bathroom and fights waves of nausea. It doesn't work. She vomits again.  _I'm at the mercy of ghouls_.

_Arima, why did you leave me?_

She staggers back out to find Tsukiyama Shuu sitting up on the couch, his hair sticking to his cheek. His father's nowhere to be found, and neither is Chie, or Touka, Nishiki, or Yomo. Hairu's pulse quickens.

"You need some water, little human?" Tsukiyama questions.

She scowls. "Don't patronize me, ghoul."

"But you are pretty small. Here." Tsukiyama hauls himself up and heads to Touka's tiny kitchen. He reaches up and selects a crystal glass from the cabinet. He pours some water into it.

Hairu accepts the water. The glass has clovers etched into it. She traces the design.

"Why did you save a ghoul?" asks Tsukiyama. "Kanae, I mean."

 _Why are you talking to me like I'm a person? Is it part of a game for you, to eat me?_  She scowls. "My partner always says ghouls shouldn't be tortured."

"Just killed?" mocks Tsukiyama.

"You've killed how many people?" Hairu shoots back.

"Do you know how many people I loved gave their life for me yesterday?" Tsukiyama demands. "Matsumae—she practically raised me after my mother died; Mairo—and I thought I lost my father—don't you have a father? Friends?"

Hairu can't answer that. She wonders what it would be like to have a father who loved her, who would give his life for hers.

_Would Koori be that kind of father?_

Thanks to Tsuneyoshi, he might not have the chance.

Tsukiyama swears. "Sasaki—do you know him?"

Hairu stiffens.

"We were friends long ago," Tsukiyama says dreamily, squinting as he looks out a small window. Waning sunlight, tangerine in hue, drains in. "He was there. Yesterday."

Hairu remembers Ui's mutterings about Sasaki. He doesn't trust him. But Sasaki's always been friendly to her, if a bit dorky.

"You haven't asked about investigators I killed yesterday," Tsukiyama comments. "Don't you care?"

Hairu glares at him. "You bastard—"  _You didn't, please no!_

"Is it so wrong to want to live?"

"If by living you have to kill—"

"Then what are you even doing?"

Hairu slams the glass down on the counter.  _Ui, please be alive_. She can't handle the thought.

_We can't be a family, so why does it matter?_

_I want—I wish—just the possibility—_

"Well anyways," Tsukiyama says. "I'm going to kill everyone in the CCG for what they did. Except for you, because you saved Kanae, and Sasaki."

"I'll kill you if you try," Hairu snarls. Her hands shake.  _Arima—Koori—Hirako—Akira—_  "What even is Kanae to you? Just a thing to satiate your appetite? You kill because you're hungry and we kill to stay alive!"

Tsukiyama blanches. "How dare you, you—"

"He knows you don't love him," Hairu taunts. She lifts the glass back up, prepared to shatter the pretty clovers and stab them into the ghoul's face if she needs to. "Eto was using that to mock him when she was torturing him—" Not that Kanae can love either; they're both ghouls, they can only get and take from each other. Sweat prickles on the back of Hairu's neck.

Tsukiyama's jaw hangs open. He whirls around and shoves open the door to the room Hairu was sleeping in.

"Hey!" Hairu yells.

"Kanae!" Tsukiyama crouches down as Kanae sits up, rubbing his eyes.

"I'm so glad you're okay," Kanae mumbles.

"You are too," Tsukiyama promises.

* * *

 _Huh?_  Kanae blinks. Ihei stands in front of the couch, watching as if they are two creatures that crawled out of hell.

"She tortured you," Shuu states. His arm wraps around her, and Kanae can't breathe. Ihei fades away.

"She did something with her kakuhou," Kanae admits. "I don't even know what, exactly."

"She won't hurt you again," Shuu promises. His grip tightens around her waist. "We'll punish them all. We need to stop them—the CCG, Aogiri—they're all—" His voice cracks.

"I know what it's like," Kanae says. "To lose—everyone. Back in Germany—"

Ihei drums her fingers against her glass and back into Kanae's consciousness. Her nails clink.

"My brothers died for me," Kanae admits.  _So I became one of them. I could carry their legacy on._

 _It's killing me._  Tears stream down her face.

Shuu pulls her close, pressing her face into his shoulder. He smells like roses, just like always, and like home.

They always had roses in Germany too.

"Kaneki?" Kanae asks.

Shuu's body stiffens. "It doesn't matter." His fingers stroke her hair. His lips plant on Kanae's scalp. He's warm.

 _Huh?_  Kanae pulls back.

"I was worried about you,  _liebling_ ," Shuu says. "I thought that—and you were there for me—when I was sick." He looks back at her, a slight frown on his face. "I want to be there for you, too, okay? We—don't have much else left."

Kanae nods. "Matsumae—"

_Are you going to keep it a secret forever?_

Shuu shakes his head, looking away, at the rumpled blankets.

"Shuu," Kanae starts, heart pounding. At least Ihei already knows. "There's something I should tell you."

He looks at her, he nods, and his eyes aren't focused on something beyond her, on a memory, on anything besides her, and it's as if some sort of rope breaks.

"My name is Karren," she says. "Karren von Rosewald. Could you—call me that? Instead of Kanae."

Ihei turns away, leaving the glass on the counter this time.

Shuu's eyes widen. He nods. " _Karren_."

She likes the way it rolls off his tongue. "I'm sorry I lied—"

"Don't be," Shuu tells her. "Karren."

Karren catches a glimpse of Ihei peering out the window, shoulders shaking.

* * *

_Maybe I am more of a ghoul than I thought._

Hairu stares at her reflection in Touka's bathroom mirror. She wants to cut her own throat. She almost felt jealous of Kanae— _Karren_ —because Tsukiyama embraced her even after she told him her secret.

 _I can't be a ghoul_. She still wants to have her baby. And she loves it. She wouldn't be capable of loving if she were a ghoul. Humanity won out. She's not a ghoul.

" _We couldn't turn into ghouls, could we?"_

" _You'll have to work hard to make sure that doesn't happen."_

 _I need to kill them,_  Hairu thinks.  _Kill them all_ —Touka, Serpent, Rose, Gourmet.

But what would Arima think or say? He's not a ghoul. She refuses to believe that about him. He must have some reason for collaborating with Eto—something undercover, or—maybe Eto's more human—

She exits the bathroom to find Touka standing at her countertop, flipping through a cookbook. "What are you doing?"

Touka looks up at her. "I thought—if you're staying here tonight—I should try to cook. I don't really—have much experience, though."

Hairu frowns.  _You wanted to—what?_

"My friend in school was always an excellent cook," Touka says. "She used to try to feed me. I couldn't keep it down without getting sick. The one time I cooked for her it was really Kaneki doing the cooking." She glances down at the cookbook. "I looked up recipes that are good for pregnant women."

"Did you eat?" Hairu asks.

Touka pales. "I'll eat later." She reaches for the shopping bag of food and draws out some tomatoes. She lines them up carefully on the counter and starts slicing. Knowing she's a ghoul and seeing red juice spread, Hairu's stomach turns.

"How well did you know Sasaki?" Hairu wonders, remembering Tsukiyama's words.

Touka frowns, peering back at the recipe book. Hairu rolls her eyes and grabs the book. "Let me help."

"Well," Touka answers, voice soft. "He was—my friend."

_And you miss him?_

Again Hairu thinks of her mother.  _Did you miss me? Do I look like you?_

"Do you miss your friends at the CCG?" Touka asks, sliding the tomatoes into a bowl. Hairu boils some water and studies the noodles.

"The Quinx are nice. Sasaki mentors them." Steam hits Hairu's face and she has to turn away, gulping cool air. "And Arima." She slides her eyes towards Touka.

"He killed my mother," Touka says.

Hairu gulps. "He—"  _Was doing the right thing._

She can't make herself say it.

"I don't hate him for it," Touka says quickly. "I don't—know very much. I don't even remember her face."

Hairu studies the water, watching bubbles start to bristle at the bottom of the pan.

"And the father?" Touka asks.

Hairu bites her lip. She tastes blood and almost fears Touka will be like a shark at the smell and launch at her. But Touka keeps chopping carrots. Unevenly. "I hope he's alive."  _If he's dead I—I could have protected him. Used my strength to save a human who matters._

"It's scary," says Touka with a snort. "I remember not knowing—everyone said Kaneki had to be dead. I had faith in him. I don't care if he ever comes back to me. I just—want him to be happy. That's what he deserves."

 _You're in love with him._  Hairu turns to stare at her. The pot starts to boil. She dumps the noodles in, and adds cubes of spices. "He's killed so many like you, though. If he knew, he'd kill you too. That you're a ghoul."

"I'd still want him to come back," Touka says, gripping the knife. "Not to kill me. I want to live. But I don't hate him. No matter what he's done."

"Even if he's killed ghouls who knew you?" Why should she even ask that? Touka shouldn't care.

But she does. About Kaneki. Sasaki.

"I would still want him to come back. No matter what he was keeping from me. He doesn't need to hide himself."

Hairu stares at her hands.  _If I were to tell Ui, would he believe me? That I've fought for my humanity and earned it?_

"I wish I could taste this," Touka says.

_You're being—kind._

It has to be an act. She remembers Arima's smile. And Eto. Her stomach clenches. That wasn't an act, was it? Was it? Was it?

"You should tell your boyfriend," Touka advises. "I'm sure he wouldn't be mad, even if it's unplanned."

Hairu stirs the noodles. Being pregnant is something she's only mildly worried about telling Ui about. It's Tsuneyoshi's reaction that scares her. And it's her heritage that she'll never be able to tell Ui about.

"I can make you tea, or coffee," Touka offers. "Or water." She reaches for one of the clover glasses again.

"Those are pretty," Hairu comments. Anything to rip her mind away from where it's stuck.

"One of my—friends—more like a little sister," Touka says, tracing the design. "Liked clovers. She's in Cochlea now."

"Who?" Hairu demands.

"Fueguchi Hinami."

Hairu remembers that ghoul. She's the one who helped Rabbit kill Akira's father. She spots the rabbit mat on the floor.  _Are you—_ She can't bring herself to ask, and this—censoring—of herself, it's not her.

"Are you cooking?" crows Tsukiyama, barging out of the small room. Karren follows, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. "Can I watch?"

"You can't eat it," Hairu points out again.

Tsukiyama peers at the recipe book. "I've always wondered what sorts of flavors humans can taste. Also what sort of flavors humans taste like, but I've had my fill of that."

Hairu blanches. Karren smirks.

"Chop," Touka orders, handing him some scallions. She and Tsukiyama jeer at each other, and Karren even tosses some carrots at Tsukiyama, playful. It remind Hairu of the time she tried to make melon buns herself with Hirako and Ui and the kids. Arima didn't join, and Akira and Sasaki came late. She spilled sugar all over the floor and Shio kept throwing it at everyone. Ui accidentally dumped salt instead of sugar in at one point.

Touka's food turns out to be fairly bland, and Hairu isn't sure whether she'll keep it down. Karren and Tsukiyama retreat to discuss something downstairs. "What if returning might get Sasaki killed? Or you killed?" Hairu finally asks.

"Huh?" Touka turns from scrubbing the pans to look at her.

"If Sasaki coming back as Kaneki were to get you killed," she says. "Since you want to live."

"My life is always about trying not to die," Touka says. "It's not that different."

Hairu shoves her bowl away from her.

"Is it that bad?" asks Touka.

"No, it's fine," Hairu says. "My stomach just—can't take much."

_I need to go._

She's being incredibly selfish. If she returns, Tsuneyoshi might— _maybe we can run away together_. Hairu snorts. Special Class Bowl Cut won't run away with her, because he wouldn't run. She knows it. And she can't leave Arima. Even if she doesn't understand him. He has to have a reason.

_Koori thinks I'm dead._

_I don't know what to do._

If she could just get a message to Arima… but she can't.  _You were never planning to talk to Tsuneyoshi for me, were you?_   _Why would you lie to me?_

 _If I tell Koori about the baby, we have time._  She can hide it a few more months. Maybe she went about this all wrong. Maybe she can force Arima to keep his promise. Ui doesn't need to know about their heritage. If anyone can convince Tsuneyoshi it's Arima, and that's why she turned to him in the first place. Surely Arima wouldn't just stand by if she came back.. and if he did, she could force his hand another way.

"What is it?" Touka asks.

Hairu shakes her head.  _I know you work with ghouls, Arima._

_If you won't help me, I'll tell._

_You bastard. You liar. I need you._

What if that smile wasn't what she thought?  _Maybe he saw my potential to—_

No. Touka said she had faith in Sasaki. Hairu needs to have faith in Arima. And in Ui.

 _I miss him._ The food leaves a tangy aftertaste in her mouth. Hairu chugs water. She remembers his look of surprise when she kissed him. It reminds her of the look Kanae wore when Hairu spotted that tampon.  _Like you were found out._

_I miss you._

His grumpy attitude in the morning until he's had a cup of strong coffee, the way he plays bad cop to Hirako's good cop when dealing with Shio, Yusa, Rikai and the others. And for all the scoldings he's given her, he still buys her melon buns and tells her when she's done well. He chose her for his partner. He complimented her technique after their first fight together.

 _You have to be alive, Koori._  She presses her hand against her abdomen.  _You'd be a great dad._

_But how could I explain where I've been?_

Hairu helps Touka clean and listens to Tsukiyama and Kanae chat with Tsukiyama's father. That night, she lies awake on that bed, uncomfortable and with her heart beating, beating, beating faster and faster and faster as the minutes tick and tick by. She gets up after midnight and heads for the door.

"Here's some money," says a voice behind her. Hairu spins around.

Touka stands there, kakugans glittering. She pushes a plate behind her as she rises from the table. Tsukiyama stirs on the couch. She drops the money into Hairu's hand.

Hairu wants to warn her she'll be back with the CCG, but she can't bring herself to say it. She nods, and then hesitates as an idea churns in her mind. "I need one more thing from you."

"What's that?" Touka asks.

"If you want to get revenge on any CCG officer," Hairu says. "And if Tsukiyama really was serious, here's your chance. Hit me."

* * *

Ui wakes to his phone ringing. His head's lying on his work desk. His spine throbs.

 _I fell asleep here?_ He fumbles for his phone. He doesn't like going home anymore. He just sits there and thinks of her.  _Hirako?_

"Hello?" It's almost one in the morning. Ui pinches the bridge of his nose.

"If you're still at work, I'm going to call Akira to drag you home," Hirako says. "We need you at your best, Ui."

"I know." Ui stumbles to his feet. His mug still has some coffee in it, cold. He gulps it down. "I'm heading home now."

"Good." Hirako hangs up.

Home to a place he'd rather not go. Ui drags his feet as he lopes towards his apartment. He saw Urie Kuki today and the Quinx doesn't look like he's doing much better.

_And we didn't even catch Rose._

At least they know what happened to Shirazu, though. They were able to comfort him before he died—be there with him—Ui sucks in his breath. Where was Hairu taken? What were her final moments like? He's failing her. He's failing the only person who matters to him.

Blood pumps hot through his body. He'd like to rip them all apart.  _I'll find who did this to her._

Ui arrives at his apartment building, the moon shining full and silver and bloated in the sky. Down the street, he spots a figure limping. Ui ignores it.

He fumbles for his keys. The figure picks up pace.

The hair on the back of his neck stands up. Ui whirls around.

In the moonlight, its hair looks pink, almost like her hair. Ui hates whoever it is.

And then she lifts her face, and despite bruises and blood, despite being too far away to tell if her eyes are green or brown, he'd recognize that woman anywhere. Her shirt hangs off her, sleeve torn. She's hobbling.

" _Koori!"_

He drops his briefcase. And his keys. They clatter against the ground. His legs move for him, running, running, when the only word he can think is her name.  _Hairu_.

He can't speak. He reaches for her.

She springs herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck. Her lips press into his, forcing his mouth open. Her fingers dig through his hair, nails pricking his scalp.

"You're—" he rasps.  _Here, you're here, Hairu, you're here._

"I'm alive," Hairu says, tears running down her face in a mix of blood and water. He wipes them away with the sleeve of his 0 Squad coat. "I'm so sorry—you must have been so worried—"

"I'll—" He doesn't get to finish. Hairu kisses him again. She tastes sweet, like she never left. Her other hand grips his shoulder blade, and she keeps saying his name. She smells like blood, and also like herself, like flowers and sugar. She's warm, and she's clinging to him, and he's holding her, and Ui tastes something salty tracking down his cheeks.

_I'm crying?_

_You're alive._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, happy Ui... for now at least.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

"Where is she?" The door bangs behind Hirako as he rushes into the clinic. Shio, Rikai, and Yusa are on his heels, the other two kids behind them.

"Meeting with Dr. Shiba," Ui answers, getting to his feet. He's waiting outside the examination room. His arm's sore from pinching himself. She's here. She's back. She's alive.

"She's okay?" Shio looks up at Ui, green eyes—Hairu's eyes—brimming with tears.

Ui nods.

"I'm so glad!" Shio throws his arms around Ui.

Ui rubs Shio's back. _Me, too._

Hirako shakes his head. "I had to call them when you called," he says, gesturing to the kids. Rikai stands on tiptoe, peeking around the corner as if they might catch a glimpse of Hairu. Yusa bites his lip, brow furrowed.

The door swings open again, and Arima strides in. Ui turns to him. "She's with Dr. Shiba." His hands are still shaking. Ui curls his fists. _See? She was alive all along!_

Arima nods.

"Did she say what happened?" Hirako questions.

"A ghoul kidnapped her—a group of ghouls, from Aogiri," Ui says. "And— _Rose_." He'd like to kill them all, hunt them down and—

"But they didn't eat her?" pipes up Shio. "I'm glad."

"She said they were keeping her, but she escaped." Ui shakes his head. In truth, Hairu was crying too hard to make much sense. "She had some cuts on her arms and face." From a kagune, he could tell. She kept hugging him, crying into his shoulder until a car blared its horn at them for kneeling in the middle of the street, and he insisted on taking her to get medical treatment.

She's _alive._

"I'm glad to hear it," Arima states, face impassive as ever.

The door creaks open, and Dr. Shiva's soothing voice fills the air. They all fall silent.

Hairu walks out, face and left arm bandaged and a smile on her face. She sees Arima and Hirako and the kids, and then she focuses on him.

Ui's stomach drops as she races to him, throws her arms around him, and pulls his face down to cover his lips with hers.

They're watching.

But she's alive.

" _What?"_ shrieks Shio.

Ui pulls back, blood rushing to his face. The overpowering scent of antiseptic fills his nostrils. He coughs. _Hairu, what did you just do?_

Hirako looks about as surprised as Ui's ever seen him. Which is to say, his eyes are slightly wider than normal and his top lip hovers over his bottom one. He rubs the back of his neck.

Yusa's eyes dart to and from Ui and Hairu. Rikai smiles.

"Well then," says Arima. "It's nice to see you back, Hairu."

She looks at him, one hand still on Ui's back.

"We should talk tomorrow," Arima continues. "Take the day off, though. Come in in the afternoon."

Hairu nods. Shio flies at her, and she embraces him and Rikai, and even Yusa.

Hirako smiles. "We missed you, Ihei." His voice sounds rough.

 _See how much you mean to all of us?_ Ui thinks. _We all need you._

"You can't go back to that apartment," Hirako says.

"I'll take her," Ui says quickly. "If—that's okay with you, Hairu."

She nods. Dr. Shiba appears in the background, smiling as he folds his arms over his chest. He probably doesn't get to see many happy cases.

"Did a ghoul just like pop into your home?" asks Shio. "Like, how did you fight it?"

"There were three of them," Hairu answers. "I was able to injure one of them, but—" She stops and shakes her head.

"We'll talk tomorrow," Arima repeats, sounding forceful, almost like an older brother. "Good to see you."

"Where's Sasaki?" Hairu asks, glancing around.

"He's—busy," Ui answers.

"I'll call Mado," says Hirako.

Hairu yawns as everyone bids them farewell and they head back to his place. Ui doesn't want to tell her, but she asks about Rose, and he tells her about the extermination, Kijima's death, Shirazu's. Hairu cries. He tells her about Sasaki teaming up with Furuta and she cringes.

"I was so afraid something would have happened to you," Hairu admits as she traces the cup of tea Ui made for her. He dumped several spoonfuls of sugar into it, the way Hairu likes it. They sit on his couch, talking as the sky outside lightens from deep blue velvet to soft indigo.

"I thought you were dead." He swallows. It hurts, like swallowing glass. _But you're alive._

Hairu shakes her head. "I'm sorry—" Her voice cracks.

" _Don't_ apologize," he cuts her off. "It's not you—your fault. It's their fault. These ghouls—I'll kill them, Hairu. They won't get away with what they did to you. I promise."

Hairu meets his eyes. Hers fill up. "Ui, I—" She sets her teacup down. "You didn't mind that I kissed you, did you? In front of—all of them."

His pulse quickens. He remembers the pink box in her trash bin. "It was—a little embarrassing, but not because of you." _Hopefully they don't think I've praised you only because of that. I haven't. Only when you've earned it. And you've earned it a lot._

"Are we dating?" she asks.

Ui's jaw drops. "Of—course. What—Hairu—you think I'd sleep with you if we weren't—" _How could you doubt that?_

Hairu nods, looking away and grabbing a throw pillow. She hugs it to her chest. "We didn't exactly have a conversation about it."

Ui's face burns. "Yes, I mean—I want to date you."

She beams. "I'm happy."

 _I love you_. "You're alive," he says. His voice shakes. He reaches for her hand. _We have to be a couple if we're going to have a baby._

She squeezes his. "I have to tell you something, Koori."

Ui freezes. _Is this it?_

"You might be mad at me but I really hope not," Hairu rushes to say. Scarlet sunlight bleeds in through his window, covering her face. She clamps a hand over her mouth. Seconds tick by.

"Are you—pregnant?" he ventures.

Hairu's jaw drops. "How do you know?"

She _is_ pregnant. She's alive, and she's pregnant. Ui can't breathe. "The—test—in your trash bin," he wheezes.

"I didn't lose the baby," she says. "I think I'm—about eight weeks. So it's early."

"I'm glad," he whispers.

Hairu's eyes widen. "You are?"

He nods. "Do you—want it?"

Hairu draws in her breath. "Yeah."

"Me, too." He reaches out to tilt her head up. A bruise, blue and purple, swells over of her brows. "You didn't think I'd—be—blame you or—"

Hairu lifts her shoulders. "I didn't know."

Ui's heart drops. "I want to support you. help you. You don't have to be pregnant alone—there are two of us who—"

Hairu throws her arms around him. "You're a good man, Koori."

 _I am?_ His heart flutters. Screw what his parents and coworkers will think about him knocking Hairu up. She's happy. She said so.

"I'm just glad you're happy." She rubs her eyes. "Is it possible for your pregnant girlfriend to get some sleep before she has to meet with Arima and continues to talk about herself in third person like a crazy person?"

"I think so." Ui double checks that the door is locked.

He turns around to see Hairu flopped over on the couch. "Carry me."

"Hairu!"

"I'm going to milk this for all its worth. I'm throwing up every day. _Multiple_ times a day, Koori. All for your baby. I think all that puke made me pretty unappetizing to the ghouls." Hairu's voice comes muffled. "You have to cater to me. I'm your girlfriend. You said so."

Ui groans, but he doesn't mind. His arms wrap around her, and she tilts her head up to smile at him, goofily, her teeth bared. "I missed you."

 _I didn't know what I'd do without you,_ Ui thinks as he pulls the covers over Hairu and climbs in next to her.

_It was like I'd lost part of myself._

"You know what does sound good," Hairu mumbles. "Melon buns. To feed the melon bun inside me."

She'll wake up to them, Ui decides. As many as she wants.

* * *

Hairu holds Ui's hand as they head to the CCG office early in the evening, skipping and forcing him to try to keep up. When she woke up to throw up around noon, Ui held her hair. He agreed not to tell anyone about her pregnancy just yet. He did buy her melon buns though. Hairu is now referring to their baby as Melon Bun and there's nothing Ui can do about it except bitch and he's not even willing to do that just yet.

There's time. Hairu steels herself. She has to get Arima to understand. To agree.

_You have to agree, Arima._

The moment she enters the CCG, agents swarm her. After so much death, everyone wants to see a resurrection.

But she doesn't see Sasaki. Ui ushers her away, and she heads into Arima's office. Hirako shakes his head at their clasped hands. The moment she closes the door, Arima leaps to his feet. "Do you realize what you're doing?"

 _You're yelling at me?_ Shock courses through her. Tears fill her eyes.

"Ui's—"

"I'm sick of—losing," Hairu shoots back. "I want—I want the baby, and I want Ui, and I want—" _You._

_I can't lose you._

_Please, Arima._

_I don't know why you're partnering with ghouls, but let me help you. I'll save you if I have to. Koori will, too, if I explain—if you tell me—let us help you!_

Arima sucks in his breath. "Ihei—" He drops back down into his chair, massaging his temples, and for the first time Hairu notices lines around his lips, bags under his eyes. "We don't get that—kind of life. We live to kill, and to die."

"Well, that's not what I want," Hairu retorts. "You're the CCG's god. You won't die either."

He cocks his head. "God of death." Is that bitterness in his tone?

Hairu drops her fingers on the back of the chair she stands in front of.

"I presume you haven't told him," says Arima.

"He knows I'm pregnant." _See?_ It's progress. "I want to live—I want to help fight ghouls—our child can do that too; they'll be human, I'll raise it right, we both will. We'll put him or her in the academy. We'll—"

Arima sucks in his breath.

"I just want to live and live with them," Hairu says, voice breaking. "Is that really so wrong?" She wipes at her eyes. _Stop crying. Stop crying._

_Don't be weak._

_Fucking hormones._

Neither of them fit the profile of what a Garden child should be as an investigator. _I don't know why you're doing what you're doing with Eto, but I'll help you, if you help me._ "You told me it was a good thing. Wanting to protect this baby." Melon Bun.

"Wait here," Arima says.

He leaves, door closing with a click behind him, and Hairu paces. She spots Sen Takatsuki's book on the bookshelf and scowls. Several empty coffee mugs clutter the desk, along with papers neatly organized, too organized to have actually been read. The window has dust on it. A magnifying glass sits next to the keyboard, which certain characters are worn off the keys.

The door bangs open, and Hairu jumps, whirling around. Washuu Yoshitoki strides in behind Arima.

 _Fuck_.

"Glad to see you're alive, First Class Ihei," Yoshitoki says. "Arima's told me you've made a report about what happened with the Aogiri ghouls who abducted you."

Hairu's eyes slide towards Arima, who stands behind his—brother.

"And that you lied about it to cover up your pregnancy," Yoshitoki adds, and Hairu can't breathe. She gapes at Arima. _You—you couldn't—no—_

"With everything that's been happening lately, it won't take too much work to make your story look plausible," Yoshitoki continues. "No one will want to investigate. And as long as you continue to do your job, and do it well, I'll give you a pass for taking a few days off."

Hairu's breath leaves her. She clutches the chair to keep from falling. The wood digs into her palms.

_You saved me, Arima._

"I'll warn you," Yoshitoki says. "If my father finds out, it will be your head."

Hairu freezes. "And—my—"

"Ui Koori," Yoshitoki says, crossing his arms. "I don't know what to tell you, Ihei. I'd arrange a miscarriage if I were you."

 _No!_ "We'll send M—it to the academy," Hairu bursts out. "Ui doesn't have to know about specifics."

"If I were in charge I'd agree," Yoshitoki says. "But I'm not. My father is."

 _No! They're happy—Ui's happy—_ Hairu turns to Arima, tears in her eyes. _I'm not weak, please—_

_Please._

"Can we talk to him?" Arima asks, voice dull as if he already knows the answer. "Try to sway him?"

Yoshitoki hesitates. "We can try. The thing is, I've never known my father to be swayed by anything."

"The kid can be a weapon too," Hairu tries. _Don't make me do this._ "Like me. Like us."

_I want to choose what I want._

Yoshitoki nods. "I'll try, Ihei." His voice softens, as if he's talking to a little sister.

 _He'll be angry because he's not controlling me._ That's Tsuneyoshi's problem. For the first time something black and boiling bubbles up inside of her, and not for a ghoul—well, not for an evil one. _I hate you, Tsuneyoshi._

"You and Special Class Ui are wonderful investigators," Yoshitoki adds. "It's in the CCG's best interest to keep you around."

 _Tools_.

A knock sounds at the door. Arima dismisses her, and as she leaves, she runs into Sasaki and Furuta.

"Ihei!" Sasaki smiles at her, but there's something dark brewing in his eyes. Bags droop under his eyes, and his hair's fully black. "I'm so glad to see you!"

Furuta smiles politely at her, and then slides his eyes down to her stomach.

Cold streaks down Hairu's spine. _There's no way you know._

"Glad you're okay," Sasaki says.

 _You fought Tsukiyama. And Touka—she's waiting for you._ Hairu can't say any of that though, because of course, Sasaki shouldn't go.

"I'm so sorry about Shirazu and Kijima," Hairu says.

"Me too," Sasaki says.

Furuta snorts as if to say _not me._

She walks away and finds Uire Kuki discussing something with Akira. Akira hurries over to embrace her. Urie greets her, but his eyes travel down the hallway, to where Mutsuki Tooru bites into a donut.

"Hairu!" wails Saiko, rushing over. Mutsuki spots her and trots after Saiko.

"I'm so sorry for your loss," Hairu tells the three of them.

They nod.

"Mutsuki!" hollers Suzuya. "You coming?"

"On my way!" yells Mutsuki. He squeezes Hairu's shoulder and brushes past. Urie's eyes follow him. Saiko runs off after several minutes blubbering.

"You should tell him," Hairu forces herself to say to Urie.

"Huh?" Urie turns to her.

"Mutsuki," Hairu says. "If you like him, tell him." _Life's too short. And you—you have so much more of a chance to get what you want_.

Urie's lip curls in fury. He turns and stomps off.

She spots Ui and runs up behind him, covering his eyes. He yelps and spills coffee down his white shirt.

 _We're going to be okay_. If she has to tell him and they have to run away, they will. She thinks. She hopes. She prays.

* * *

Ui still can't believe she's holding his hand, pulling him down the street. He buys her all the melon buns she wants. He thanks any god that's out there as she hums, stuffing her face with melon bread.

"Stop looking so salty," Hairu teases, shoving the bread in his mouth the moment he opens it to respond. He almost chokes. She chortles.

They head back to his place, and she twirls in front of him, and he feels full.

"Are you going to tell your parents about me?" Hairu asks when they get to his place. She isn't planning on going back to her place.

Ui nods. Though he doesn't know how. _Hi, Dad, this is my girlfriend. We live together because her apartment got torn apart by ghouls. And she's pregnant. It wasn't planned. We're not married. She didn't even know we were dating. I knocked her up.  
_

He'll be disappointed in Ui. But he's always been disappointed in Ui, and Ui just doesn't want that disappointment to slime Hairu. She doesn't deserve it.

"You could wait until I'm twelve weeks," Hairu says. "Maybe then I won't be vomiting every few hours."

Ui slides her a water bottle. "Hydrate."

Hairu rolls her eyes but acquiesces. She sets the bottle down. "I really missed you."

"I—" _Didn't know what I'd do without you._

_I'd have gone to hell to bring you back._

"I was scared something might've happened to you," Hairu says, leaning against his shoulder. "Since I wasn't there. You know. To protect you."

Ui crosses his arms. She smirks, and he flicks her hair.

"You really want the baby?" she asks.

Ui freezes. "Of course."

"The ghouls who kept me," Hairu says. "One of them was torturing another ghoul."

Ui frowns. His hand rests over her shoulder. "They'll eat their own."

"Apparently," Hairu says. "I kept thinking of Kijima, and what you said."

"We can't stoop to their level."

"I let the ghoul go," Hairu interrupts, turning to face him. "I didn't have a quinque to—kill it—but listening to him—her—it—screaming—" She covers her mouth. "Did I violate the—"

"No," Ui insists, grabbing her wrists and pulling them away from her mouth. "You didn't. Hairu, you were—you did nothing wrong."

"That's how I escaped," Hairu says. "The ghoul escaped, and I ran after—it. It let me go." She touches the scrape on her cheek.

"It's not the ghoul who hurt you?" Ui asks.

Hairu swallows. "No."

"You didn't do anything wrong," Ui insists, heart thumping. He hates the ghouls who've made Hairu feel that she has. "You just want to survive. That's okay, Hairu—that's good. Surviving is—we have to. That's why we have the jobs we do."

His parents thought he could never do anything right. _I'll live my life doing what's right._

"You—did the best with what your options gave you," Ui tries. He doesn't know how to say it. This makes him love her _more_ , not less, and he wants her to know it. He doesn't want her shoulders to hunch like they are now, he doesn't want her to be ashamed, he wants to see her smile.

_I feel so inadequate._

He leans down, pressing his lips against hers. She pulls him against her, teeth nipping his lip, her hands stroking his hair.

_You're alive._

He pulls back, hands cupping her face. He brushes his lips over the bruise on her face, over the tip of her nose, over her chin. Her eyes mist.

 _I love you._ He wants to tell her so badly. He pauses.

She gets to her knees and wraps her arms around his neck, kissing him. Her arms wrap around her waist, and she locks her legs around his waist. Ui winces and then struggles to his feet with Hairu clinging to him like a barnacle. He can hardly see because her mouth is glued to his and her hair slides over his eyes like a pink curtain.

"I'm going to—walk into—a wall," Ui gasps.

Hairu withdraws for a moment, a smirk on her shining lips. He lays her down on the bed and hovers over her. She reaches out to unbutton his shirt. He ducks to allow her to tug it over his head. He reaches for her shirt. She shrugs out of it and he pauses, thumbs over her stomach, tracing the area under her navel. He plants his lips over the soft skin, kissing the still-flat surface there. _My child._

Hairu giggles. She unhooks her bra. "Are my boobs bigger? Your honest opinion. Because that'd be one perk."

Ui flushes and Hairu cackles. "Only you would still blush." She sits up again, arms around his shoulders, her skin warm, her hair soft, and her voice real and whispering in his ear and oh god, he thought she was dead, but she's alive. There's sweat on her skin and her breath smells like a mixture of garlic and melon buns. Her teeth scrape his tongue.

She looks into his eyes, and then drops her gaze. He reaches out to cup her chin.

"You're—beautiful," he pants.

_You're alive._

The lights are still on, warm and golden, and he doesn't feel like leaving her for a second to turn them off. She presses herself against him, hands pressed aganst his face, and he loses himself in the taste of her, because she's here, she's his anchor, she came back and the first person she went to was him, she's carrying his child, and she pulls him down on top of her.

He opens his mouth. The words hover on the edge of his tongue.

She arches her neck up, kissing him, stealing his words.

_If I can't say it yet, I'll show you._

And he'll have another chance to tell her.

Because she's here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: Ui starts to uncover the first few grains of the truth.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!

"Ihei. Meet me in my office." Arima doesn't even look at her as he barks the order, stalking past her.

Hairu shoves her chair back and gets to her feet. Nausea undulates. She draws in her breath.

Ui gives her a small smile. He has no idea. Her feet feel as if they've been coated with lead as she heads into Arima's office. As she expects, Washuu Yoshitoki waits for her, arms crossed over his chest. Bile leaps to her throat.

 _Don't puke. Don't puke. Keep it down_. She forces herself to swallow, clenching her fists so tightly her nails big into her skin.

Arima shuts the door.

"I spoke to my father," says Yoshitoki.

 _Yes, yes, and?_ Hairu's head pounds. Blood whirs through her brain. She feels faint. Her pants felt tight this morning.

"No matter what Special Class Ui thinks, you are to send your child to the Garden," Yoshitoki says. "No matter what. And you aren't to tell him or her anything until then. If you say a word, you'll all lose your heads."

Relief screams through Hairu. She doubles over.

"Do you understand?"

"I won't," Hairu promises. She clasps her hands together. And then she can't control herself and launches herself at him, grabbing him in a hug.

Yoshitoki stiffens, and it hits Hairu what she's just done. Ui would probably chew her out if he knew she'd hugged someone as highly ranked as Yoshitoki.

"Sorry," Hairu squeaks out, moving back. His jaw hangs open and his eyes are wide. "Is he—will he be—watching—"

"He doesn't know who you are," Arima cuts in. "No."

Of course he doesn't. Hairu wonders if she's his daughter. It might be that this baby is his grandbaby. Or his great-grandbaby. Does it matter?

 _No_.

"That's all." Yoshitoki nods at her. "Congratulations." And then he's gone, and Hairu turns to Arima, her heart hammering.

"You can go back to your desk," Arima says.

Frustration churns inside Hairu. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." There's no kindness in his voice.

"Would it kill you to be happy for me?" Hairu bursts out. "I'm happy you—helped me. Even if I forced you to. You still—"

"You're going to create a child who will be raised the exact same way we—"

"Is that so wrong?" Hairu demands. Eto's face dances in her memories. That witch's laugh crawls down Hairu's spine.

Arima blinks.

 _I've disappointed you._ And she doesn't even know how, or why. "We were made to kill ghouls—we are best equipped—our humanity—won out—" Her voice cracks. "Arima-san—" _You're not. You can't be._

_Not a traitor, not a traitor, not you._

_You don't like them._

"And it won't be exactly the same," she says. "Melon Bun will have us. For as long as he or she can, and then after." She hopes the nickname will bring a smile on Arima's face, or even some exasperation.

But there's nothing. "You have what you want," he says finally, turning back to his computer and furrowing his brow. "Go back to work."

 _What I want?_ Hairu's head spins. She stomps her foot. Arima glances up at her. His mouth falls open. "I want you to—be _honest_ with me!" The words scratch at her throat. "Why did you lie to Koori? Why did you stage an attack at my apartment? Why did you—"

"I thought it was the only way to keep you safe—"

"Why?" Hairu demands again. "Why? Why?"

He says nothing. His eyes turn back towards his monitor.

 _Oh, fuck this._ Hairu catches a glimpse of her flower drawing, the one he kept, the one she labored so hard over, the one he's tucked under a copy of Sen Takatsuki's _The Black Goat's Egg_. She lunges forward, throwing the book off the desk and onto the ground.

"Ihei!" Arima leaps to his feet.

"You're our hope!" Hairu wants to scream. Her voice bubbles, climbing octaves higher than it should. People might here. "You're who we're supposed to be! Arima-san—all I've ever wanted—" _Is to please you._

He stares at her. His lips twitch, but he doesn't smile, he doesn't frown, he doesn't open the goddamn thing to say a single word. He doesn't flinch, he doesn't move towards her, he doesn't sit back down. He stands and does nothing. Like an object.

_I don't know who you are._

"Why did you lie to Ui?" he finally asks.

"What other options did I have? You have so many more!" And because she's afraid and he can't be, not Arima Kishou. He's a god. Gods aren't afraid.

He says nothing else.

She turns and storms out of the office, chest aching. She slams the door behind her.

"Angry?" taunts a sly voice.

Hairu jumps. She whirls to see Furuta Nimura leaning back against the wall.

"Or is it the hormones?" Furuta asks, prying himself off it.

Hairu blanches. _How much do you know? "_ You fucking—"

"Ah, ah," says Furuta. "Don't swear at me. Arima and Yoshitoki aren't the only ones who know about the Garden. As you should know if you have any kind of brain in that airhead of yours."

"The fuck do you want?" She's not backing down. She'll use as many swears as she wants.

"Nothing," says Furuta with a shrug. "You're happy, right? With Special Class Ui. I know it's him, by the way."

"It's no secret we're seeing each other," Hairu retorts. "Dating _._ " _I'm his girlfriend._

_What else?_

She feels like she's spiraling.

"Let me ask you something, First Class Ihei," says Furuta, stepping towards her. Damn, he looks like Yoshitoki. He runs his hand through his hair. "Can you really be happy—really happy—when everything is built on lies?"

"It's not a lie," Hairu says. "it's—to protect—there's nothing else to build on."

"Believing something doesn't make it not a lie." Furuta crosses his arms. "Though, fair enough."

"Have a good day, or fall in a ditch, I don't care." Hairu spins on her heel and stalks off. If Furuta even hints that he'll try something, she'll go to Yoshitoki. Not to Arima.

_Why?_

The horror cramps down on her midsection, and she runs into the bathroom to vomit.

* * *

"I'll be twelve weeks tomorrow," Hairu announces. Ui glances up from where he's been trying to cook dinner. "We should think about—telling people. It's not like we can hide it forever."

She sidles up next to him, and he wraps an arm around her waist, which has felt noticeable thicker the past few days. She smiles up at him, and Ui's heart lifts. She hasn't been smiling much in the weeks since she returned, aside from when she's trying to cajole him into bringing her for ice cream or bubble tea or melon buns. The trauma of what happened is probably catching up to her, but she doesn't seem to want to open up to him. All he can do is hold her when she's crying. He wishes he could do more. _Why am I not enough?_

"Okay," Ui affirms, stirring the pot. He limited the spices, but Hairu hasn't thrown up more than once in the past three days. It's improvement.

"Arima already knows."

Ui almost drops the spatula.

"What?" She frowns.

"How?" Ui asks. "Why?" He combs through his memories. Is that why Arima's seemed distant lately? No, he always seems distant. He's the shinigami of the CCG; he has to be. _But did he give me side-eye yesterday? Was that what it was? Oh God._

"I told him before—the whole ghoul thing happened." Hairu clears her throat and picks up the spatula, rinsing it off. "I just wanted to see how having a baby would work with my job—"

"You told _Arima_ before you told me?" Ui does drop the spatula now. Hot water splashes his hand. He curses.

Hairu blinks. "He's our—"

Ui sucks in his breath. The steam from the pot burns his throat. He turns away from her. "I'm—Hairu—"

"Are you mad at me?" Hairu's voice comes out small.

 _Yes. No. Yes_. "I'm—" _Why Arima? Did you think I'd blame you or tell you I didn't want it or call you stupid or something? I'm not that kind of person._ "Honestly, yeah. I could have given you the same answers." Ui grits his teeth. _Why is he the one you turn to? I_ love _you. Why am I so deficient?_

Hairu gapes at him. "But I didn't want to trouble you in case he said it wasn't—"

"I would have been honored help you make that decision!" _Or to listen to you. Or just to hear you. I—why do you feel like you have to do this alone? Or with Arima's help?_

"Well, it's already done!" Hairu shoots back.

"Sorry." He takes the spatula and focuses on stirring. The metal digs into his palms.

Hairu wraps her arms around herself.

 _Shit_. Ui turns to her. "I just—want to—be there for you. I mean—I want you to trust me. We're having a kid together, Hairu, we should—I—" _It should be between you and me. Not Arima._

"You trust me?" Hairu asks, tilting her head up.

"You're my partner _and_ my girlfriend. Of course."

Hairu frowns and takes the spatula from his hand. "I guess I haven't had many people I considered trustworthy in my life."

 _After your parents died? Or even before?_ Ui rests his hand on her shoulder. He hopes.

"I don't know why you want me." Her voice comes out more bitter than he's ever heard. "I'm confused." Her shoulders hunch.

Ui's heart breaks. He reaches out and cups her chin. "You're—beautiful, Hairu, you're funny—you can be stupid and you don't trust me, evidently, but you're one of the best people I've ever known, and I—"

"I am?"

He nods.

"Ghouls—" Hairu says. She trembles. "I don't want to think about them."

"Then let's not." Ui wonders what exactly happened to Hairu when she was kidnapped. What did they do to her? What did she see? He doesn't want to press, but since she's been back he's noticed fear crunching her brow, worry he'd never seen before and that he doubts is all because she's pregnant.

She flaps her hands. "Melon Bun's growing to grow up just like me, and I don't—know—it's the right thing, they'll be trained to fight ghouls—they'll go to the Sunlit Garden—it's the right thing—it's right—"

"I want them to go to a normal school," Ui cuts in. "And _then_ the academy."

"No."

"We'll make a better world," he promises. "A just world—with less ghouls—as much as we can, Hairu, our child won't ever be kidnapped like you were, or—hurt—they'll be okay, I promise you. I'll protect them."

She turns to look at him finally. Tears bead in her eyes. She swallows and presses her forehead against his chest.

_Would you prefer Arima? Is that why you want to send our kid to the Sunlit Garden? Did he recommend that?_

_Why? Why am I not enough?_

_It's my son or daughter_. Ui grits his teeth. _I just—I love you._ He'd give anything for her to know that. Or for her to trust him like she trusts Arima.

That night, he can hear Hairu crying next to him, and he thinks about reaching for her, and doesn't.

The next morning, Hairu takes Ui to Dr. Shiba's office, where the man preforms an ultrasound. He slathers Hairu's stomach in some kind of jelly and presses a probe against it. Ui avoids the doctor's gaze as he holds Hairu's hand.

A thumping sound fills the air. "Strong heartbeat," comments Dr. Shiba.

 _That's my child's heart_. Ui can't move. His own heart pounds and he ignores the sound, focusing only on his child's. Hairu's mouth hovers open. And then Dr. Shiba turns the screen around to face them, and Ui sees a grainy image of a fetus squirming on the screen.

"She's active," Hairu comments. "Or he."

Ui can't say anything. His throat throbs.

"Koori?" she ventures.

His eyes sting. _What is this_? He blinks and turns to her.

Hairu bursts out laughing. "You're crying?"

He gulps. _I'm having a kid?_

"Looks like you already," Hairu comments.

"Hey!" he chokes out.

"But it's hyper like me," she proclaims, grinning at him. " _Just_ like me."

He raises his eyebrows. "Fantastic."

She winks, and he leans down to kiss her forehead. Screw Dr. Shiba. Forget what happened last night. It's fine. They're having a baby.

Dr. Shiba prints photos for them, and Hairu holds hers up in the air when they leave. She beams at Ui.

 _I love you so much_.

His parents still won't. He knows they won't. An orphan with a childlike chatter and an easy grin and not a proper education, younger than him by so many years and brazen. She's everything he was never able to be, and she draws it out of him, the things that make him smile in spite of his better judgment, the laughs, his own growing appreciation for melon buns. _I don't care_.

"I'm craving salt," Hairu announces. "Chips tonight. You're not allowed to steal half the bag."

"I wouldn't!"

She snickers. "Yes, you would. You need to replenish your blood, after all. It's mostly salt."

He rolls his eyes.

"How do you want to do it?" Hairu asks Ui as they head down the hallways. She's skipping and holding his arm.

"However you want to," he answers honestly. She'll probably think of some way to make everyone shocked and yet smile.

Hairu chortles. Washuu Yoshitoki and Matsuri pass them in the hallways, Matsuri bickering with his father over something.

"Good morning!" Hairu calls. She waves her sonogram image in the air.

Matsuri's eyes bulge. "What the—"

"It's real!" Hairu sings, hustling Ui around the corner. He can barely move from horror.

"Hairu, that's our—"

"You said however I wanted to!" she crows.

Ui gulps. "I take it back."

"No," Hairu snaps.

"Can you break it to Hirako a little gentler?"

A gleam sparkles in Hairu's eyes.

"Oh no," Ui says.

"Oh yes."

"Hairu no."

"Hairu yes."

" _Hairu!"_ He lunges but she dodges, sprinting into the area where there office is. She's giggling like a madwoman.

"You're in a chipper mood," comments Hirako, not even taking his eyes off the screen.

Shio perks up as Ui arrives. "Did she just beat you, Ui? In a race or something? I beat Yusa the other—"

"You cheated!"

"I did not!"

Rikai moans, head hitting the desk.

"I just saw the first photos of our newest squad member!" Hairu announces.

Arima pauses outside his office door. Ui stiffens when he sees the man. _You know. You've known before me._

_And you didn't tell me when she disappeared? Were you trying to protect me? Or did you just want to make sure I had no distractions?_

"We have a new member?" Hirako asks, wrinkling his nose.

Hairu extracts the photo from her coat pocket and props it up on Hirako's monitor. "Study this, Take."

Hirako freezes. His eyes slide to Hairu, and his eyebrows pinch together. He peers beyond Hairu to Ui as if asking a question, and it's such a relief.

Ui nods.

"Congratulations," Hirako says, and then he rubs his forehead. "Wow." He meets Ui's gaze, and he smiles.

"What's going on?" asks Shio, hopping up.

Hairu holds the photo aloft. Ui approaches, face burning.

"You're having a baby?" shrieks Shio.

"We are," Ui confirms. He studies Arima. The man nods.

"What the what?" Akira leaps to her feet. Aura Kiyoko freezes by the printer.

"How did you make a baby?" Shio asks, eyes round and innocent. Ui spots Suzuya's quinque case nearby and contemplates stabbing himself with it.

"You know perfectly well how!" shoots back Rikai.

Shio snickers. "Your face, Special Class Bowl Cut! You looked so—"

"Knock it off!" Hairu kicks Shio's shin, playfully. He laughs.

"Congratulations, Ui." He feels a hand on his shoulder and realizes Arima's standing in front of him, nodding at him.

"Thank you," he says, because he doesn't know what else to say. Something bitter calcifies inside him when he looks at his mentor.

"No way!" shrieks Suzuya. "Wow!"

"You're going to be a—father," says Hirako, shaking his head. "And a mother. Good grief."

"Hairu will be a great mother," Ui says quietly, watching her chase Shio around the office. _And I'll be a good father. I have to be._

He pulls out his own copy of the grainy image and stares at it again.

_For you._

His son or daughter will never have to be afraid of ghouls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: Ui visits his family and Furuta fans the flames.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

"You can't let me fall," Hairu proclaims as Ui helps her onto the horse. "I'm carrying precious cargo."

"I won't," he promises, swinging himself up over behind her.

Hairu leans forward, stroking the horse's mane. "You're so pretty."

His parents are both gone for the day—no surprise—but Ui still has a key, and they'll be back in an hour. Hairu's around four months now, and her clothes still disguise any changes in her frame. Anxiety chews at Ui like this blasted mosquito he slaps off the back of his neck.

When he was younger and stressed, he would march out here, jump on a horse and ride off. He takes the reins now, and nudges the horse forward. Hairu yelps. They trot slowly at first, and then Ui asks if she wants to go faster, which she affirms. The horse breaks into a canter. Hairu shrieks in laughter.

He slows the horse, sunlight soft and warm around them, and offers her the reins. "You want to try?"

"You won't fall, will you?"

"Not unless you kick me off." Ui wraps his arms around her waist. When he's holding her, he can feel that her abdomen's slightly thicker.

Hairu snickers and urges the horse into a gallop.

" _Hairu!"_

By the time his parents arrive, Hairu's giddiness has vanished in a plume of anxiety. It probably doesn't help that she can see that he's on edge as well. His parents won't be thrilled about him getting Hairu pregnant outside of wedlock, especially given her age and that she works for him, but he hopes they at least approve of her.

Ui introduces them and Hairu grins at them, her magic alive. They head inside, and one of the servants gives them tea. Hairu can finally eat and drink almost normally again, only throwing up rarely now.

"So you're partners at your—job," Mother says, her voice strained.

Hairu stiffens. Ui nods. "Hairu's talented."

She smiles.

"At killing ghouls."

"Someone has to do it," Hairu says, tapping her fingers on her knee.

"What's your family like?" wonders Mother.

"They're from Hokkoido," Hairu responds. "You wouldn't know them, I doubt." She swallows, clearly uncomfortable.

"Her parents were killed by ghouls," Ui puts in. But this isn't a discussion he wants to have right now. His gaze skirts through the room, taking in the piano, the vases boasting orchids and the oriental carpets on the floor.

Mother clucks her tongue. Father's eyebrows swoop together, and Ui just knows he's about to ask a question that will bother Hairu, "We have some news." Forget breaking it to them gently.

"Oh?"

 _Shit. Shit._ He gulps. His tongue feels too large for his mouth. Air stings his lungs.

She looks at him, eyes wide.

"We're going to have a baby," Ui says, reaching out and taking Hairu's hand.

His father sets his teacup down with a clack. _"What?"_

The clock ticks in the corner. A breeze wafts through the open windows. Ui meets his father's gaze and nods.

"Well, that's—quite some news," Mother says with a laugh.

"Are you getting married?" demands Father.

Ui gulps. He glances at Hairu, whose face turns as pink as her hair. _Yes_. Hopefully. But he can't ask her just yet. "I—"

"We don't even know anything about her family—" Father starts.

"They're dead," Hairu interjects. "I grew up in the Sunlit Garden for the CCG's special education—"

"That's not a proper education—"

Ui's said that himself enough times, but the words slap him. _How dare you?_

"How long have you two been seeing each other?" Mother asks. "Why didn't you mention her, Koori?"

He swallows. Hairu bites her lip and looks at him. "Since winter," he answers. He can almost see his father doing the math in his head.

"When is the baby due?" asks Mother.

"January," Hairu answers.

Ui fumbles to draw out the sonogram image. "We're sixteen weeks." _It's your grandchild._

Mother picks it up and smiles at Hairu. Hairu smiles back, weakly. Father scowls, but he doesn't say much else. He's clearly not pleased that Ui knocked up his colleague.

 _I disappointed you again_. Ui lowers his head. So much for being a hero of justice. His parents view him as irresponsible.

"At least you didn't leave her," remarks his father when Mother takes Hairu off to look at old photos, because at least she cares about trying to maintain a veneer of kindness. "So you have _some_ integrity."

Ui flinches. "It's serious." _She wasn't a fling. She isn't. She's never been anything like that._

"Seducing your younger partner who isn't nearly on the same educational level as you is hardly admirable." The man crosses his arms, and Ui wants to protest, insist that's not how it was, because it's not, she kissed him, he loves her, but he can't. The words stick in his throat. Shame burns in his cheeks.

 _Melon Bun, I don't ever want to make you feel like this._ Oh hell, now he's using Hairu's stupid nickname.

"What do _you_ know about her family?" Father demands.

"I—" Ui stops himself. Because he doesn't know much. "Ghouls killed them when she was young."

Father snorts as if Ui's just confirmed that he's a lecherous fool. But he's not. He'll show them. He'll marry Hairu when she's ready, and they'll raise Mel—their kid—and give him or her the best they can. _I'll prove myself. I may not have been terribly responsible here, but it's not ruined. Everything will be all right._

"We wanted so much more for you, Koori," his father says at last.

"Well, that could have gone better," Hairu proclaims when they leave.

"That's why I wanted to be the one to tell them," Ui says. But she insisted. And now shame embeds itself in his spine.

"Why were they asking about my family?" Hairu wonders, holding Ui's hand as they wait at the train stop. "Does it really matter?"

Ui shakes his head. "Not to me." He watches her kneel down and let a ladybug crawl over her hand. The bug lifts off and flies almost into her eye. Hairu yelps and then laughs. "What was your mother's name?"

Hairu frowns. She peers up at him. "I don't remember."

"You don't—remember?" Ui's jaw drops. _He's right, isn't he? I'm an irresponsible, selfish—no, I'm not, I refuse to be!_

She shakes her head. "I was too young. Same for my father. I don't think I ever met him."

"Were they—married?"

"I don't think so." Hairu frowns. "I think—she was a mistress of sort. So he might still be alive. I'm not sure."

"So when you said ghouls killed your parents—"

"My mother." Hairu straightens up. "I didn't know how you'd react." She worries her lip. "It wasn't—I mean—I—"

"Why didn't you just tell me the truth?" Ui demands. _Arima knows, doesn't he?_

"I didn't think it mattered!" Hairu gapes at him. "Why would I think it mattered? I don't know anything different. And now you're—"

 _Shit!_ "I wish you had told me _not_ because it makes me think any differently of you, but because—because I would have wanted to—I just—" _I want you to trust me._

 _I want to be worthy of your trust._ A cool breeze shuffles around them. Ui shivers.

She stares up at him, mouth open in surprise. "It doesn't make you think any differently?"

"No. This isn't the middle ages."

Hairu snickers. She kicks a pebble and watches it skitter away.

"I love you."

The words come out before Ui can even think of them. _Oh fuck_.

Hairu spins around to gawp. "You—what?"

_I have to say it again?_

_I get to?_

"I love you," he repeats, face burning up. _I do._

Hairu just looks stunned. A leaf blows past her head.

 _Is it really such a surprise?_ "I—"

Hairu reaches up and pulls his face towards hers, pressing her lips against his. She wraps her arms around his waist, burying her face in his chest. Her shoulders shake. "Thank you," she ekes out.

She didn't say it back. But she's holding him, and their child's between them. Ui rests his head on hers.

* * *

No one's ever said that to her before. Hairu's quiet the entire train ride back, watching scenery fly by in a blur.

_Koori loves me._

She looks at him, studying his jawline and his bowl cut. _You want me to trust you._

_My mother was a ghoul, Koori._

She can never say it. To protect him. To protect their child.

But she can trust him with other things. "I've never had anyone tell me that," she finally says.

Ui turns to stare at her. "Never?"

She shakes her head. "Parents died young—well, my mother did, remember? And I've never really—dated. You were the first one I ever—dated. Kissed, even." She never even thought of saying it to anyone else. Not anyone in the Garden. Not even Arima. She wanted his praise. Love was—not something she could fathom. "Definitely the first person I slept with."

Now his eyes bulge out. "Okay."

"How many people did you say it to?" Hairu inquires.

Now he turns red again.

"A lot?" Hairu tucks her legs under her and tilts her head to the side. "Did you have a whole string of girlfriends whose hearts you broke—"

"No!" Ui claps his hands to his cheeks. "No, Hairu, I—yes, I mean, I had—I dated—other girls but—I never said I loved them. My parents, yeah, but—"

"Oh." Hairu folds her legs up against her chest. She can't fold them up completely now without feeling that Melon Bun's starting to poke out.

"In the Sunlit Garden," Ui begins, and her pulse starts to pound. "Didn't you make friends?"

"Not really." Hairu leans her head against the window. The train rattles. "It was…" She doesn't know how to finish. It was. It just was. "Koori, I want Melon Bun to be loved. I want them to know it—I want to say it to them often. Every morning. And before they go to sleep. You and me, both telling her or him that." She thinks of all those dramas and comedies she's watched. She thinks of the Quinx, still reeling from Shirazu's death.

"It will be," Ui promises her. His voice softens. "The Garden sounds—lonely."

Hairu's breath catches in her throat. It had to be. _Because we're all only half-human. Our humanity won out, but we're still afraid. We have to be afraid. And you can't be close to someone if you're afraid._ "I had Arima."

"Hm?" Ui's voice tightens.

"He smiled at me," Hairu says. She pinches her fingers together. "Once. No one else did." _He smiled at me,_ and that was the rope she clung to. She envisions it in her mind again. Arima, his hair blue back then, fixing her with a smile as he strode path. He was her hope then, even before she was told he should be her hope. He was her hope because hope should smile and he smiled.

Ui lowers his head. His hand rests on her shoulder. He asks her if she wants to get tea, and she agrees. Decaf, it'll have to be. They lace their hands together, and she smiles up at him. His eyes look lost.

"There's a shop nearby that Sasaki likes to go to," Ui says as he turns down a familiar street. "The Quinx go with him sometimes. It's called :re. I've been wanting to try it."

 _:re?_ Hairu sucks in her breath. _Touka—Kanae—Tsukiyama—fuck, fuck_ fuck!

"Are you okay?" he asks. "We don't have to get tea—"

It's not like Touka will blow her cover. And hopefully if Sasaki visits often Touka will know to cover everything up so that it's not obvious she's a ghoul. "No. It's fine. We should go."

_I have to lie to you again, Koori._

Touka's head snaps up the moment they enter the shop. The air's warm, but cooler than outside, and it smells of cinnamon and rich coffee and sugar. Touka's eyes widen as they take a seat. Hairu avoids her gaze.

"Hello," Touka says as she heads over. In the background, Hairu catches a glimpse of Nishiki, and Yomo. _Geez_. "May I take your order?"

She's pretending not to have familiarity. Hairu smiles at her, and Touka smiles back. "Our coworker comes here often," Hairu says. "Or so Koori tells me. Sasaki Haise, the investigator at the CCG—"

"I've seen him," Touka cuts in, glancing at Ui. "Though not lately." A note of sadness rings in her voice.

 _Neither have we_. Sasaki seems as if he's letting Furuta rub off him, and there's no joy left. He barely congratulated her and Ui on Melon Bun.

Ui orders for them, asking for decaf for Hairu.

"We have decaf," Touka confirms.

"I'm pregnant," Hairu says, even though she knows Touka already knows. Ui winces.

A smile plays with Touka's lips. "Congratulations."

Something flutters inside her. _I'm nervous, apparently_. Totally wouldn't be because Serpent and Rabbit and Raven are standing behind the counter. Hairu turns to Ui. The sky outside bloats with gray clouds. "It's going to rain."

"Probably."

Butterflies again. Hairu shifts. "Can we watch a drama tonight?"

Ui smirks. "Sure. My brain can bleed out my ears."

"Hey!" She scowls and leans across the table. "I'll find one with horses in it. We have to teach our kid to ride, Koori, we _have_ to."

"You liked it that much?"

"I loved it," she says. More butterflies. Hairu frowns. She reaches down.

"Are you okay?" he asks. Because of course he does.

"Um—" Again. Hairu shrieks. Ui leaps to his feet. Nishiki drops a pot behind the counter and swears. "Sorry!"

"Are you hurt?" Ui cries out.

"No!" She grabs his hand and puts it over her abdomen. "Feel it, Koori! Melon Bun's—moving! It's alive!" She hops up and down. "There it is again!"

Ui's face whitens. His hand's warm over her shirt. His mouth opens.

"See?" Hairu can barely stand still. She claps her hands.

Ui shakes his head. "I—I—"

"Congratulations again," says Touka from behind them, carrying a tray with their tea, and a small melon bun. "On the house."

"Thank you," Hairu says as Ui shakes his head again and again. The baby flutters. "I'm changing Melon Bun's nickname to _butterfly_ because that's what it feels like."

"That sounds like a ghoul name," Touka comments.

 _Seriously?_ Hairu glares at her. "No ghoul would be named after something so beautiful."

"Melon Bun it stays," Ui mumbles.

"True," Touka acknowledges, and her voice sounds like a ghost's.

* * *

Furuta Nimura hates that bubbly pink princess, but damn if she can't provide the right kind of amusement.

Ui Koori nods at him as he passes and stands by the copier. Arima doesn't even look at Furuta. Not that that's terribly surprising. No one ever looks at him. And he doesn't want them to, not just yet. _When it's time._ He flexes his hands.

Hairu's laugh ripples through the air. Furuta scowls as he watches Shio press his hand against her stomach. "Melon Bun's awake!"

Sasaki smiles at Hairu, but he looks like shit otherwise. Poor unsuspecting fool.

"We felt it move for the first time over the weekend," Ui comments to Arima.

"Mm." Arima nods as if he couldn't care less.

_You aren't hope itself. You're death._

"Arima-san!" Hairu calls as Rikai takes Hirako's hand and forces him to feel Hairu's stomach. Hirako laughs nervously. "Do you want to feel the baby move?"

"That's okay."

Akira flocks to Hairu, smiling. She looks to Shio and Yusa.

"No," Yusa warns.

"Yes!" Shio cheers, beelining for Arima. Rikai giggles and follows him. "Arima-san, Arima-san, you've got to!"

 _What am I watching?_ Furuta snickers as Arima, gray-faced, is dragged before Hairu. Furuta slides his gaze towards Ui, who watches with an impassive face. "She seems awfully eager to have Arima around her."

Ui stiffens. "All of you from the Garden are like that."

"I'm not."

"He's a hero to us all," Ui says forcefully, walking away from Furuta.

 _You really trust her, don't you?_ Furuta shakes his head. He's been there before. He trusted Rize.

And look what happened.

His fingers trace the area in his back where her rinkaku could surge out, kill them all.

Hairu glances past Arima, past Ui, and her eyes meet his. He smiles.

 _I know so much that could tear everything you have away_. Arima, Ui, Hirako, Mado, even Sasaki and the five little kids flock her. And here comes Aura Kiyoko, excited and chattering, clapping Ui on the shoulder like knocking Ihei up is an accomplishment he should be proud of.

He stalks down the hallways and hears Matsuri's voice coming from a corner. Arguing with Yoshitoki. Of course. _What do you have to argue about?_ They have each other. And for as much as Furuta looks like Yoshitoki aged down, they'll never acknowledge him.

They won't have the chance.

* * *

Ui frowns as Hairu laughs next to Arima. For once her laugh doesn't sound like bells charming him. He bites the inside of his cheeks, tasting blood.

"You all right?" asks a voice to his left. Ui whirls to see Yusa watching him. Hirako stands behind the kid, head tilted.

"I'm fine," Ui says, squeezing his fists.

"You don't look fine," chirps Shio, popping what looks like a popsicle in his mouth. Some pink liquid drips onto Ui's papers.

"Shio!"

"Oops." Shio dives away from Hirako's arm and races out of the room. Yusa moans. Hirako looks to Ui.

Ui shakes his head. He garbs some napkins and blots the papers. Hairu comes over to sit next to him, her fingers brushing his shoulders.

_I love you._

_You didn't say it to me._

_But you're having my baby. You're wearing the hairpin I gave you in your hair._

_I don't know what to believe._

If she doesn't love him, that's—fine. He just doesn't want the lies. Ui presses his knuckles against his brow. He should just ask her. About what she feels.

He can't. He's no Othello. There's another way.

"Go home," Ui tells Hairu at the end of the day. "I'll bring soup and melon buns home later."

"You sure?" Her eyes widen.

He nods, and Hairu leans down to kiss him.

Hirako leaves soon after Hairu, and Ui catches a glimpse of Furuta lingering late with Sasaki. Ui rises and heads to Arima's office, knocking on the door.

"Come in," calls the voice of the man he admires like no other. And yet, the man whom the very thought of now turns the remains of lunch into gravel in his stomach.

Ui enters. "Arima."

"Ui." Arima gestures. "Have a seat." He doesn't meet Ui's eyes.

Ui heaves himself into the chair and bites his lip. More blood, bitter this time. "Hairu told me some things. About the Garden."

Arima almost knocks his coffee over. He turns to stare at Ui, face paler than death.

"She said you smiled at her, and she—"

"I did?" Arima frowns. "I—don't remember. It's possible. I used to visit. To give motivation." His voice reeks like blood.

"Why does she trust you so much?" Ui asks. _And not—me?_

 _What's wrong with me? Why am I not enough? What do you have that I don't? No matter how hard I work, I'll never be you, Arima._ Arima's hair is white. His is black. Arima is tall. He is not. Arima is so stern but Ui—he _sees_ her.

"I'm not so sure she does," Arima says. He rises and turns away from Ui, looking outside at the rain dribbling down the window.

Ui swallows.

"The Garden is a place where—it made us who we are, and we're grateful," says Arima. He turns around. "Like all things in life, there are lots of things we don't want to remember either. It wasn't a scenario where we had loving parents. You and Ihei—you have the chance to give your child that, and, Koori, I think you two will be good parents. You love your child, and you're willing to fight for them."

 _Koori_. Ui blinks. He nods.

"Since she joined us," Arima adds. "She's been like my little sister. I never had one." He draws in his breath. "But caring about anyone—in any way—in our job—it's a risk."

 _Sister._ Ui lets out his breath. _Calm down, Koori._

* * *

"I talked to Arima," Ui says when he gets home, dropping a bag of melon bread in front of Hairu. She squeals and tears into it.

"About what?" Hairu asks, voice muffled as she eats one. She holds the other out to him.

"You."

Hairu chokes, coughing. "Why?"

"I—" He hangs his head. "I—miss you."

Hairu slides over to him, knee jostling his. "How can you miss me? I'm back."

 _No, you're not._ "There's so little I know about you, and we're having a kid together, and I—I want to—" _I love you. I want to love you. Let me love you._

_At the very least, know that I love you. Believe it._

He can't say any of it, but she lowers the melon bread and stares at her hands. "Koori…"

He reaches out for her face, and she shoves his hand away. Her eyes, glittering like emeralds, meet his. "There are things I haven't told you—about the Garden—about me—and I don't know when I can tell you, if I'll ever be able to—" She sucks in her breath. "I don't—I—" Her voice trembles.

"I'll wait," Ui promises her. "But—if I'm making you—" _Trust me. Just trust me._

She grabs his chin and kisses him, digging her tongue in, almost desperate. She pulls back, forehead resting against his. "You love me."

He nods.

Hairu cries then, tears sliding down her face. "Even if I can't—tell you things yet?"

 _What can you possibly be hiding?_ Did someone hurt her? Fury stirs inside Ui. He nods.

"You know," Hairu says, wiping at her eyes. "I never pictured myself having a kid, Koori, but—I think you're going to be a great dad."

The next morning, when Ui wakes up five minutes before their alarm, it takes him a moment to realize what's different.

For the first time since they started sleeping together, Hairu's sleeping with her face turned towards his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: Furuta goads Hairu and Hairu makes a request of Ui.


	12. Chapter 12

"I miss him."

Hairu folds her arms around her abdomen. The baby's getting bigger and she is too. Soon she might have to take a break from combat. Plus she's anemic, so Dr. Shiba gave her supplements that she's supposed to take every morning and night. "I don't see him very much either. Not anymore."

"Is the baby moving?" asks Mutsuki, excited. Saiko slurps her drink.

Hairu shakes her head. "Asleep for now." Which is what she wishes she could be. The baby keeps kicking her when she's trying to sleep at night.

"It's like he blames us for Shirazu's death," Mutsuki says, voice small. "And now he can't stand the sight of any of us—but he loved us before, I know he did."

She thinks of Arima and wonders.  _Did you ever love me? Did you ever love Hirako, Ui, Akira, any of us from your squad? Any of the kids you greeted in the Garden, the kids you knew you were the hope for? Did you love us? Did you care about us?_

_What even are we to you?_

_What am I to Ui?_ Is she just the mother of his child, or something more? What does love even mean to him? "That's not fair," Hairu says. "It wasn't your fault."

"Urie blames himself," Mutsuki says.

"He does," Saiko confirms, sipping her iced coffee.

"Tooru!" calls Suzuya, running up to them. He skids to a halt and throws his arms out. "Reach into my pockets, Ihei!"

"Huh?" Hairu gapes at him.

"This is what Sasaki used to do for me, so do it!"

 _I'm guessing Sasaki hasn't done it lately._  Hairu scowls but obeys. She pulls out several bags of candy.

"For the baby." Suzuya looks at Mutsuki. "You ready, Tooru? We're going to do more training. You can use your kagune."

 _Kagune_. Hairu swallows as she watches Mutsuki nod and get to his feet. She rubs her arm, the place where Touka's ukaku cut her upon her request, but of course, with her genes, it didn't even leave a scar.

_What makes the Quinx different?_

They don't have ghoul genes. They have kagunes, but they're more human than her.

_My humanity won out. I'm not a monster._

_Melon Bun won't be a monster._

Saiko leaves shortly thereafter, and Hairu heads back to her desk. Her temples pound.

"I don't think this is a good idea!"

Hairu pauses. She looks to her left to see Matsuri arguing with his father.

"Your grandfather won't tolerate this!"

"I don't want to tolerate  _him_ ," Matsuri hisses, turning to storm away.

 _Huh?_  Hairu blinks. Yoshitoki's gaze latches onto her. She smiles weakly.

He scowls at her, and then rolls his eyes and stalks over, as if compelled by duty. "How are you feeling, Ihei?"

"Fine," Hairu lies. She never mentioned headaches at all growing up. Any pain was a weakness. "Are you all right?"

He looks at her, brows lifted as if shocked she cares to ask. "Fine."

_We're both lying, aren't we?_

_Am I your daughter? Am I your sister, your cousin? Do you see me as that, or as just a failed product?_ _Do you see me as a human, or a ghoul? You're a ghoul, aren't you? A ghoul who's human... in some ways._

Melon Bun elbows her, and Hairu grabs Yoshitoki's hand to press it against her abdomen. "He's so active! She'll be a good investigator."  _But they'll have us._  Until they're sent to the Garden.

_Don't make me send them away._

She's already asked too much.

Yoshitoki starts to pull back just as Melon Bun kicks. A laugh emerges. "Matsuri wasn't a very active baby before birth. Or after."

"But he's a good investigator anyways," Hairu assures him.

A crestfallen look presses down Yoshitoki's face. He nods. "I've work to do, Ihei." He turns and leaves.

 _If you can be human, who's to say some other ghouls can't be?_  Hairu's head still aches, and she asks Ui if he wants a coffee. He says he's busy crunching paperwork, but gives her money for some, and Hairu's feet take her to :re.

The bell above the door chimes as Hairu enters the café. A clank echoes as Touka turns to look at her.

_Monster._

She smiles at Hairu. Nishiki sucks in his breath.

Hairu places her order. Neither of them know what to say.

"How are you feeling?" Touka asks as she brews Ui's coffee for him.

"Hungry all the time," Hairu answers honestly. "How's—Rose?"

Touka's eyebrows fly up. She and Nishiki exchange a look. He pinches the bridge of his nose like Arima does sometimes.

"If I wanted to arrest you, I would have," Hairu states.  _And I haven't. I'm letting monsters roam free. D_ _oes that make me a monster?_ _Yoshitoki, are you a monster? What makes you a monster?_

"Karren's okay," Touka says. "Staying with Shuu."

She won't tell Hairu where it is. Smart. Hairu bites her lip.

"How's your boyfriend?" Touka asks. "He's awfully good looking. Even Nishiki agrees." She pours the coffee into a cup.

"That's for him," Hairu says. "He's good." She sighs. "Sasaki's not doing well."

Nishiki stiffens. Yomo enters from one of the backrooms and scowls at the sight of her. Hairu scowls back.

"He hasn't been by recently," Touka whispers.

"Do you miss him?"

She nods.

"He hasn't been visiting Fueguchi either." Which doesn't bode well for Fueguchi's odds. Not that it'd be a bad thing to remove another indisputably dangerous ghoul from the world.

But Touka... She almost understands why Arima's working with Eto, even if she hates that bitch.  _You care about her, don't you? She helped you somehow, didn't she?_ Is that all this is, her feeling like she owes Touka? Owes Karren? Hairu hands over Ui's money.

Touka's brow creases as she puts the money in the register. She knows what Hairu's implying.

"You won't go to him, though, will you?" Hairu asks.

"Why should I?" Touka asks. "I—you know what I am." Her voice is so low not even Nishiki can hear.

"A monster." The word comes out.

_You defeated the monster before you were born._

_That's why we've chosen you._ The smell of roses and lilies overpowers the coffee. Ghost scents.

 _You have to live up to what your purpose any god you believe in wrote for you in your mother's womb._ Choices were fairytales.

"I know," Touka says, and it reminds Hairu of standing there, the smell of warm coffee replaced with cool, stale air reeking of lilacs and roses, lilies, and a face pressed up close against hers. She was ten and asked where Rize went.

" _Monster!"_

" _I know!"_

But the Washuus were different. Ghouls working for humanity. Maybe Touka is like that too?

"I can't change that," Touka says.

_Monster._

_If they ever ask me to kill you, I will._

_And we both know it._

_Monster._

Touka hands her two melon buns, on the house. Hairu thanks her and turns to leave. She sees her reflection in :re's windows, a pink-haired woman, six months pregnant with a boyfriend who probably wants to marry her but whom she can't marry.

Because she's part monster.

* * *

Hairu gets back to the office and hands Ui his coffee. She's already eaten half of his melon bun, but he won't complain. She's just so happy to be able to eat again.

"You're beautiful," he tells her at night, when she complains about feeling fat and awkward and he kisses her stomach.

_You wouldn't say that if you knew._

_I'm not a ghoul. I'm not a monster. I'm a human. My humanity won out. It will win out in my baby too._

_What if it doesn't?_

Fear shoots through Hairu. That's not possible, right? Her child won't turn out like Eto. She doesn't know enough about how genetics work. And what if it is? Will she love it?

_I can't imagine not._

_Mom, did you love me?_

It can't be a monster. A monster can't be loved.

_Koori, I'm scared._

He's asleep, black strands of hair across his face, chest bare. She sits up, looking down at him.  _You're human._ Fully. It didn't  _just_  win out.  _You've always been human. You are the furthest thing from a monster._

_You said you loved me._

_I want you to love me._

She thinks of Eto's words to her.  _You're going to die young._

Koori can't. She won't let him. Hairu gets out of the bed. The floor is cold against her feet.

"Hairu?" he mumbles.

He woke up. She stiffens. "Can I throw out your cigarettes?"

"Huh?" Ui sits up, blinking rapidly. "Hairu, what are you—"

"I don't want you to get lung cancer and die young!"

"Hairu—what—" He fumbles to flick the light on.

"Please," she begs. "Don't die."  _Our child will need you._

What if the baby hates her?  _I want to live. I don't want to die young_. She imagines her baby wondering whether Hairu ever loved her or him, after she's gone. Tears stream down her face, warm, and she hates them.

"What's wrong?" Ui approaches her. Orange light casts the room in shadows. They steal her words, chain her.

"I don't want you to die," she repeats, flapping her hands.

_It's a gift. A shortened life, but with the chance to make your life have more meaning._

_By killing monsters._

She'd rather hold her child and chase away monsters under the bed.

"Did you have a nightmare or—"

She shakes her head. "Please throw them out!"

"Is this hormones?"

"Probably!" Hairu throws her hands in the air. If only it were that simple. "Koori, if you don't, I'll start smoking, and I'm—"

"Irrational?" he mumbles.

"You're the one who's puffing on those death sticks!"

"I'm stressed!"

Hairu stomps her foot. "I'm the one growing a baby!"

Ui throws his hands in the air. "Okay, okay!"

"Really?" He'll actually do it? For her?

_You're too good._

He nods. "Can I smoke just once more?"

Hairu sucks in her breath. "If I can stand next to you while you do it."

Ui mutters a curse word. He takes the cigarettes out of his bedside table, smiles at her, and chucks them in the garbage. "Are you hungry?"

She scowls. "Yes."

"I'll make you something." He turns around and reaches for her purse, yanking out some of the iron supplements Dr. Shiba prescribed. "Also, you forgot to take these last night." He holds them out to her, and she takes them.

_I love you._

She wants to say it.

She can't. She doesn't have the right. If she's part monster, she can't love.

And what's love anyways when it's founded on a lie?

* * *

"Morning, First Class Ihei."

Furuta Nimura. Smug Bastard with a beauty mark and a heart of stone. She ignores him, pushing down the hallway. Mado Akira nods at her and jogs ahead, her heels clicking.

"Special Class Ui seems grumpy lately!" Furuta calls after her. "You two fighting?"

 _You ass._  Hairu turns around, shivering. The heat's turned down too low today. "He gave up smoking." Because he loves her.

"That's absolutely adorable," Furuta comments, approaching and adjusting his coat. "He really loves you, doesn't he?"

"Jealous?" Hairu asks, raising her eyebrows. Her heart pounds, and she hates that this prick is making her uncomfortable.

 _Ghoul-lover!_  She threw those words at him years ago. She wasn't the only one. The way he followed Rize with those puppy-dog eyes, the way he clung to her, it was obvious. She remembers the hurt on Furuta's face as he stepped in front of Rize, vowing he would protect her. She ran, and he wound up losing two teeth. Hairu watched.

Furuta shrugs. "Let's not forget, Ihei." He steps closer, peering down at her. "We were raised in the same place." His hand rests on her stomach.

She jerks back. "Don't touch me."

"I won't." Furuta holds his hands up, and to Hairu, he looks deranged. She remembers him crying that night, so many years ago.  _"She's my friend!"_

 _"She can't be, she's a ghoul!" shouted an older boy, one Hairu hasn't seen since he graduated while she still attended the Garden._  She presumes he died.

"Must be nice to find someone who accepts you even though they know, isn't it?" Furuta lowers his head.

Sweat pricks on the back of her neck. So much for being cold. Matsuri stalks by, following on the heels of Urie Kuki, who barely nods at Hairu.  _See me. See me, Matsuri. Please?_

"Unless of course he doesn't." Furuta scratches his chin. "My, my, how would Sir Justice—who really only is lacking a white horse—react if he found out the monster he thought ate his beloved  _is_  his lady love after all?"

"I believe that's the plot of  _Shrek_ ," Hairu snips.

"Close." Furuta snorts. "But you're safe. You've got the Shinigami protecting you, right?"

She remembers Eto, and the bitch's cruelty, but the jealousy in her voice when she saw Arima protecting Hairu. "Shut up."

"Arima's no god, Hairu. Unless you count a dying one. Though it's not unheard of for major religions to worship gods who die at thirty-three for the greater good."

 _The fuck?_  "Are you threatening Arima?" Hairu demands. She holds up her briefcase. "I'll kick your ass even if I'm pregnant. We all know you don't have the skills—"

"I'm not threatening anyone," Furuta says with a chuckle.

Hairu doesn't understand, and she can't handle feeling dumb, or inadequate. "What the fuck do you  _want_?"

"Peace," Furuta says. "I'm sorry you were born in this life, same as me."

Hairu frowns.

"Those supplements you're taking," Furuta says. "The ones Dr. Shiba prescribed you. Have you looked closer at them? I heard Yoshitoki went to bat for you to get them. Which I presume means Arima argued for you, too."

"Excuse me?"

But he's gone, and Hairu's left with her heart pounding. She turns on her heel and races towards her desk. Ui's in a meeting. She digs through her purse and pulls out the bottle of supplements, the ones Dr. Shiba gave her almost since she returned from her time with Aogiri. He'd called out to her the next day, told her tests showed she was anemic.

She googles iron supplements.

These pills definitely don't resemble those.

Hairu's hands shake. She remembers the Garden, the taste in her mouth, the taste she thought she'd left behind forever. The taste that marked her as part monster, the thing she was told she'd be weaned off of, that her humanity would completely conquer and she wouldn't have to deal with any of this ever again.

She rests her head against the desk and cries.  _I'm eating like a ghoul._

_My child is not a ghoul._

_"I didn't spike your food with blood,"_  Eto had told her.

Was that a hint she should have paid attention too? Hairu gulps.  _I'm such a brainless idiot._

Arima strides out of his office, and Hairu leaps to her feet. He flinches when he sees her eyes watering. "I have to get to a meeting, Ihei."

She holds up the bottle.

Arima pales. "Eto told me to make sure you got the necessary nutrition."

 _"Eto_  told you?" Hairu keeps her voice low.  _I'm eating humans!_  Ground up and dried, but still humans. Hairu wants to gag.

"You couldn't keep anything down," Arima says.

"Why would she care?" Hairu demands. "That bitch. She wants me to be just like her!"

Arima rubs the back of his neck. "Do you want your child dead or alive, Ihei? It's no different than what our mothers did for us. It's procured from the Garden."

Hairu thinks of Ui, and how he's gotten her pills for her in the morning when she's exhausted, held them out to her in the palm of his hand.

_You would hate me, wouldn't you?_

She  _is_  a monster. Her humanity hasn't won out.

_Melon Bun, you can't be a monster. Please._

* * *

"How's Hairu feeling?"

Ui freezes as he walks down the hall, on Arima's left while Hirako's on his right. Washuu Matsuri stands there. They don't generally get along. "Fine." Arima and Hirako halt too.

"Have you found out what you're having?"

Ui shakes his head. Hairu wants to wait. So does he. Even though it's killing him.

"I'd like some great-grandchildren myself," grunts Tsuneyoshi as he stalks by. He casts Ui a dark look. Ui colors.

Matsuri stares at his shoes, face almost as red as Ui's. Yoshitoki ducks his head as he passes by his son. Matsuri watches his father go. "My grandfather doesn't even know who Ihei is and yet he's jealous."

Ui gulps.

Matsuri sighs. "Are you and Ihei getting married?"

"That's a—highly personal question," Ui splutters. Hirako turns away to chastise Shio for skipping through the CCG's halls. The kid decides to argue, which means Yusa's melting of embarrassment and Rikai's going to bite their nails off from anxiety. Arima turns away to discuss something with Yoshitoki.

"Apologies," Matsuri says, looking away. His gaze latches onto Urie Kuki, who discusses something with Mado Akira. "It's just so nice to see young investigators have a chance to be happy. Not that it often works out. Look at Mado's parents."

Ui doesn't understand why Matsuri wouldn't be happy. He's married to Iyo, a lovely woman by all accounts. Yoshitoki glances past Arima, to his son.

"If you want to be happy," says Matsuri. "It'd probably be better to leave the CCG. That way neither of you have to risk not coming home."

"So that's what this is about?" Ui remembers Matsuri's fury after the Tsukiyama operation. "You want me to quit so that—Hairu and I pursue  _justice_ —" This slimy piece of—

"You are ignorant, Koori," Matsuri informs him. "You can't have it all."

Ui's jaw hangs open. What is—

A sob breaks out, and Ui turns to see Shio racing away towards the stairwell, crying.

"Well, here's your chance to text your parenting skills," Matsuri comments.

 _Bastard._  Ui glares. Hirako breaks into a run after the kid. Ui spins and races after him. He pushes open the door to one of the gloomy stairwells find Shio sobbing into his knees while Hirako stands helplessly above him.

"He's mad—at—me," wails Shio.

 _Aren't you fourteen?_  Ui's surprised he's still so childlike. Then again, Hairu's awfully childlike in some ways.

"Shio, Arima just told you to listen to me," Hirako says. He glances up and sees Ui.

Shio rubs at his eyes. "I can't—disappoint him."

 _Is this some kind of Garden child thing?_  Ui steps down a few more flights of stairs. His hand rests on Shio's shoulder. Shio looks up at him and sniffles.

"I'm sure you didn't disappoint him," Ui says. "There's always more chances to impress him."  _Though if you disrespected him, you kind of deserved it._ Then again, everyone seems to think Arima deserves more than mere respect. He deserves worship. Ui grits his teeth, remembering how Hairu looks at him. He's just a man. Like Ui. Except better in every fucking way.

"We all are taught to admire him," says another voice. Ui looks up and sees Yusa and Rikai peering down from a flight above them. "He's our hope. That's spelled out explicitly for us." Rikai heads down the stairs and grabs Yusa, wrapping him in a hug.

"We're taught to be him, really," Yusa says. "Except none of us are yet. Not even me."

 _And you're his cousin_.

"We will be," Rikai promises. "We'll be stronger, Shio."

It sounds so eerily similar to Hairu. Ui frowns.  _We are definitely_ not _sending our kid to that place._

He wonders if Hairu sees hope when she looks at him. He was once called the hope of the Arima Squad. He looks down at his hands, hears footsteps as Hirako and the kids troop away from him, and he feels so small.

That night, Hirako tells Ui he has to stay late to talk to Arima.

 _Shit_. The last thing Ui wants today is to see Arima. Of course he forgot, though. "I don't remember him saying we had a meeting," Ui says. "Hairu's tired—"

"It's just me," Hirako says, looking past Ui to the closed door of Arima's office. "Meeting with him, that is."

 _What?_  Ui's jaw drops. "Oh. Okay."

As he heads home, he thinks he knows how Shio felt. He curls his fists, his chest throbbing.

_Why am I not enough?_

* * *

"He'll agree," Arima says, staring out his window. After Hirako left, without arguing with him just as Arima expected, Yoshitoki had to come in. Arima hadn't planned for this. "It won't be a problem. Ihei's quite persuasive."

"And you'll help convince Ui too," says Yoshitoki. "He'll listen to you."

 _Ah yes. Because I'm god._  Arima's never felt like a god. He's felt like a tool used by one, possessed by a devil, by demon Tsuneyoshi.

And he won't be here to convince Ui. That's all on Ihei. And she can do it.

He wishes he could meet that baby, though.

But it's time to enact their plan. Sasaki needs to kill him. Arima brings his hand up to his throat, feels the pulse thumping just under the skin. It's the only thing that drags him out of bed, sits him behind this desk, keeps a quinque gripped in his hand. The knowledge that this will end, and soon.

"Thank you for your help convincing Tsuneyoshi," Arima says.  _Our father._

Yoshitoki shrugs. "You never ask for anything."

Why would he, though?

Why did he, now?

His phone lights up. A text from her.  _Finishing my books edits tonight with a pile of candy._

"That youngest kid in your squad," Yoshitoki says, and Arima wishes he could just respond to Eto already. "He made quite the scene today."

"He's fine." He has the highest kill rate among the five newer members.

"Obviously." Yoshitoki chuckles. "But they respect you so much. A harsh word is crushing."

 _And necessary_. He thinks of Sasaki. Something flickers in his gut. Something he smothered since childhood, and will smother again.

A wish.

"Matsuri's distant," Yoshitoki says.

Arima doesn't even face him. He focuses on the sky outside, only a few pinpricks of stars visible because the city drowns out most of the light, and most of those the light doesn't drown out, his glaucoma drowns out.

"Okay," says Yoshitoki. "Good night, Kishou."

He turns to face his brother, still dark-haired despite his age, with a child, with a living legacy. Arima's legacy is white hair and failing eyesight at age thirty-three, and corpses.

And Sasaki.

The door closes behind his brother, and Arima lifts his phone to text her.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!

"Takatsuki Sen?" Hirako shakes his head. "Dear God."

"I should have known," Ui says, curling his fists. The smell of coffee isn't enough to wake him up this morning. Hairu's barely getting any sleep and Ui feels too guilty not to stay up with her. She's started sleeping with her face away from him again, too. "Those books she wrote were always creepy."

Hairu just sits in her chair, her jaw hanging open as Sasaki strides past, Furuta on his heels like a good little dog.

"I never read them," Shio remarks, googling them on his phone. "Oh, this one looks creepy!"

"You're too young," Hirako replies automatically, and Ui frowns. _Too young to read those books? We've had him killing ghouls for a year now._

"And she's a ghoul," Yusa says. "No point now." His tone darkens, and Rikai glances at him in alarm.

"You liked her books, didn't you, Arima?" calls Hairu.

Ui turns. Arima freezes outside his office. _Do you and Arima discuss books?_ He wishes he read more, so he could talk about them with her.

"I did," Arima confirms. His grip tightens around his briefcase.

"But she's a ghoul," Hairu says, her voice trembling.

 _Even Arima isn't perfect, see? Even he can be fooled._ Ui scowls.

"She is," Arima says. "And she'll suffer for it." He shuts his office door with a clack.

"Good," says Ui. Hairu winces and shifts in her seat, stomach protruding quite far these days, seeing as she's at almost eight months. She mumbles something about needing to go home and rest. "Go," Ui tells her. "Don't worry about it. You need to take care of yourself."

" _Our_ selves," Hairu mutters. She kisses Ui briefly on the lips and leaves. Ui watches her go, something shifting inside him. He remembers when he practically had to force her to go home when she had morning sickness. _Is she feeling okay? Is it really just anemia?_ Dr. Shiba does keep upping her dose of iron.

Instead of focusing on work, Ui googles 'pregnancy complications' and finds himself sucked down a wormhole of panic. When he gets home, he finds Hairu's made dinner and wants to eat melon buns and play shiratori and discuss names, though she claims she won't be able to call the baby anything but Melon Bun. She tells him she and Saiko already discussed names and came up with some good ones, but nothing seems quite right. At least she doesn't recommend _Kishou_ because Ui's pretty certain he wouldn't be able to keep it inside if she did.

But when Ui wakes up in the middle of the night to hear Hairu getting out of bed, he at first thinks nothing of it. She has to get up a lot. But when he dozes off and wakes up to find her side of the bed still cold, and his arms grasping for nothing but blankets and air, worry seeps into him. "Hairu!"

No answer.

"Hairu!" he screams, and the door flings open. Hairu flicks on the light, a quinque in her hand.

When she sees him alone, she lets out a groan and sets the quinque down. "Jesus, Koori, I thought—there was—you almost sent me into labor six weeks early!"

 _I thought you'd left or had a stroke or something_. He tries to push preeclampsia nightmares from his mind. "You weren't here."

Hairu frowns. "I can't sleep."

"What's wrong?"

She shakes her head and eases herself back onto the bed. Her arms rest on her belly. "I just—Takatsuki—it's everything, her, the Rushima Reconnaissance, you'll have to go if there's an operation, the baby, we don't even know a name, we don't know, I don't know."

"Why is Takatsuki upsetting for you? Because you liked her books?" _Because you and Arima bonded over that?_ Dinner sours in Ui's stomach. Cold rain patters the windows.

"Aogiri—took me, remember?"

 _Do you finally want to talk about that?_ Ui wraps an arm around her shoulders. He wishes he could actually hunt those ghouls down, like he'd promised he would do for her. "If you want to talk, I'll listen."

"She must have been the leader—she was in a pink cloak," Hairu says, ducking her head so that there's a light pink curtain covering her features. "I never saw her face. She knew I was pregnant, though. It's hard to hide when you're vomiting all the time."

"Did she hurt you?" Ui will feed her to Cochlea's disposal system himself.

"No. She told me—she was—her father a ghoul, her mother a human."

Ui shudders. "Why would a human—copulate—with a ghoul?"

Hairu hunches her shoulders. "She said there was an ulterior motive, but I don't know."

"We're both human," Ui says. "I don't have ulterior motives, Hairu, I wouldn't do that—I—I love you." _I'm not a monster. Neither are you._

She turns to him, hair still shrouding her, and she kisses him. Her fingers dig into his shoulders. "I'm scared, Koori."

"You're going to be a good mother," he promises her. _I know you will be. No matter what._

She shivers, but holds on. Her lips work the nape of his neck. Ui sucks in his breath. Is that below his collar? He hopes so.

"Can you go to see Dr. Shiba tomorrow?" Ui asks.

"Why?" Her teeth nip at his skin. Ui's breath quickens.

"I'm worried about you." He clears his throat. "It'd—just get some blood tests, your blood pressure, everything."

"You don't want anything to happen to me," Hairu states.

He shakes his head. Thunder rumbles outside.

Hairu grabs his arms. "If something happens with—this Rushima—nothing can happen to you, either. Promise me."

 _You care?_ His heart lifts. He nods.

"I wonder why she didn't end me," Hairu says. She increases her intensity, and Ui groans. "I don't understand. I still don't. There are so many questions."

"Then, maybe you can—ask Sasaki—confront her yourself," Ui pants. "Let her see—she didn't win—ghouls won't win." He places his hands on her stomach. _Because I have to protect Melon Bun._

Hairu pulls back. "I don't know if Arima would like that."

Ui's lungs constrict. "To hell with what he thinks. You need to do it for you. I'll support you." _Isn't that enough? Isn't it? Why isn't it?_

Hairu lies back down on her side, facing away from him. "Okay."

She agreed. Ui lets his breath out.

Of course, the next morning, when the telltale bruise rises just over his collar and Hirako notices, cringes, and Ui has to deal with Shio asking question after question about why he's bruised there, Ui wants to jump into the disposal system at Cochlea himself.

* * *

"I want to see her," Hairu says to Sasaki.

"I'm not sure that there's a point," Sasaki responds, dull and depressed as ever.

"She needs to see her. For closure," Ui puts in. Always backing her up. Hairu beams up at him. "Let that woman know she's okay after what she did to her."

Sasaki sighs, but he doesn't protest. A few hours later, and Hairu's walking into Cochlea, where she sees Yoshimura Eto, hair in a short green bob now. The witch smirks at her. "You're alone."

"Obviously." Hairu crosses her arms. "Arima doesn't know I'm here."

"Not shocking." Eto shrugs. Her eyes latch onto Hairu's stomach. "You're pretty far along now, aren't you? Back with the baby daddy? He forgive you?"

"Shut up."

"My words are the only freedom I care to still have, Bubblegum, so I'm not going to. Sorry not sorry."

None of this is what she actually wants to ask. Hairu thinks of Arima's cold response to Eto's arrest, to what Eto could do with what she knows. _You can't hurt him._ "Do you want him to come?" Knowing this bitch, she plans to expose Arima and bring him down, and Hairu isn't going to let that happen. It's her head too. And her baby.

"You have to have more iron," Dr. Shiba told her earlier, and they both know it isn't iron that he's giving her. Hairu wants to cry. She's taking so many of these damn pills.

"If you've come to ask whether I'm going to spill all the things I know, you can rest assured I won't be. I honor my promises. When they benefit me." Eto smiles. One of her eyes glows red.

 _Huh?_ Hairu blinks.

"Do you think I don't have my reasons?" Eto croons. "We've been friends for years. Or are you still in denial about that, blinded by how much your worship him? Wonder how your baby daddy feels about that. Or do you have an open relationship?"

"Shut up, you decaying cabbage!" Ui wouldn't be jealous of Arima. He admires him just as much as Hairu does. Everyone does. Everything within her screams to still believe in him, that Eto's lying, that they aren't really friends. Hairu remembers Touka. But this ghoul is surely a monster.

" _Poisoned_ cabbage works better," Eto comments, holding up her hand and examining it. "Taking supplements, I see? Otherwise I doubt a thing like you would be able to carry a child. I did wonder if you were up to it."

Hairu hangs her head.

"My mother fixed her problems when she was pregnant with me the old-fashioned way," Eto informs her. "Through _diet_."

Nausea undulates. Hairu clamps her hand over her mouth. _I'm eating humans remains._ Even if it's disguised in capsules. _I'm killing to keep Melon Bun alive._

"But I'm the monster, of course," Eto says, voice detached.

"Why?" Hairu asks, balling her fists up. "He won't tell me. Why are you—why were you—"

"He sent you to me for a reason," Eto says. "He thought I could help you. But I _hate_ you, Princess." Hrr voice is dark, razor-sharp.

"Why?" Hairu demands.

"Because you chose an easy life," Eto says, running her hands through her bob. "You can take pills. You can wear shiny badges. You could stay near your idol. You have someone who clearly loves you enough to buy your far-fetched stories, and you're dumb enough to chase after Arima instead?"

Hairu's jaw drops. Melon Bun kicks her. "It's not like that!"

"Could have fooled me." Eto glares at her.

 _You really do hate me._ Hairu glares back. "I won't have you criticizing Arima. Or my boyfriend."

"Look whom you mentioned first," Eto snaps, and there's a gleam in her eyes that wasn't there before, a dose of extra bitterness in her tone.

"If you hate him," says Hairu. "Why are you keeping your mouth shut?"

"I _don't_ hate him. Believe it or not, Cotton Candy, we have a common goal." Eto crosses her arms. "Does that shock you?"

A common goal? How? Hairu's chest heaves. _Arima, no._

 _Arima, you liar._ "Whose side are you on? Humans or ghouls?"

"The One Eyed King's," Eto answers. "That's whose side I'm on."

"Who is the One-Eyed King?"

Eto arches her eyebrows. "Do you think I'd tell you anything? Wouldn't want your blood pressure to go up."

"If you were to tell," Hairu says, choosing her words carefully. "You could get special treatment."

"Furuta said the same." Eto rolls her eyes.

" _Not_ about the One-Eyed King." _If you told about me. About Arima_.

Comprehension dawns on Eto's face with a smile. "Why did you show Kanae mercy?"

"I didn't. I called agents anonymously to kill her, but then the Owl intervened and I had to run too."

Eto laughs. "So you're a manipulative, lying piece of cotton candy. Your ethical standards are so full of holes I don't see how you can stay afloat to shoot your judgment at me, or at Kishou. Do you think I don't have reasons for doing what I do?" She leans towards Hairu, teeth gleaming. "Or do you think I'm the only one in prison? Haven't you been in one since you were born?" Eto's hands shakes as she balls them up in firsts. "I want you, you pathetic piece of gum, to be free, and I want the next me to be free too. There's your answer. I'm where I need to be to help that happen. He's accepted what needs to happen. We both have."

 _Accepted what needs to happen?_ Hairu remembers the words they would say at the Garden. _Accept what will happen. You will age, but your years will count for something._

 _No!_ "How were you friends?" Hairu demands. _He had more respect for you, a ghoul, than he ever has for me. Why? Why?  
_

Eto cocks her head to the side. "Are you jealous?"

" _No_ ," Hairu snaps.

"Focus on Baby Daddy. If he's half as pretty as you are, your kid will have good genes. Still die young, but good genes."

You _are._

_You're jealous._

"You like him," Hairu blurts out.

Eto snorts. "That's a fanciful fairytale. Fitting you would bring it up, Princess."

"He said he loved me," Hairu snaps. "My boyfriend."

"Good for you. That's bloody obvious and I've never even met him. At least that I recall."

"You're a disgusting liar."

"I warned you I was the devil. I believe in some religions that makes me the father of lies."

"No," Hairu says. "You're a demon, not the devil." _Arima—you said he is. And he wants to die.  
_

_This animosity—is it all a lie? The Aogiri leader and the CCG's reaper._

_This whole conflict—it's lies._

Eto's lips curve.

* * *

"We don't know what happened to him," Akira says. Saiko sobs in the corner and Urie stands there, face gray and lips sucked in so that it looks like he doesn't have a mouth.

Ui swallows. Hairu's crying. She's almost eight months now, and this isn't good for her. He wonders what her results from Dr. Shiba will say. Supposedly her blood pressure's fine, but he did recommend an increase of iron.

But this is their line of work.

"We'll save him," Urie declares, curling his fist. "I promise you, Yonebayashi."

"He loves him," Hairu whispers, massaging her stomach. Ui reaches out to rub her shoulders.

"Who?"

"Urie. He loves Mutsuki." Hairu wipes at her eyes.

"Oh." Ui had no idea. Urie walks past, and Ui glances at his shoes.

"It's like when you were missing," Furuta pipes up, nodding at Hairu. "You were okay. Mutsuki will be okay, too, right Urie?"

Urie looks to Hairu as if she's a beacon of hope. Hairu, on the other hand, shrinks.

"Mutsuki's smart," Ui says. "I'm sure he'll escape, Urie." And they'll be heading to Rushima too soon enough. Ui glances at Hairu. Not her, though. She's too advanced in her pregnancy. He'll miss having her with him. And something prickles inside him, something he hasn't felt since he walked in on Hairu's trashed apartment, saw the blood splattered everywhere. _Fear_.

_I can't die._

He desperately wishes for a cigarette, but Hairu would kill him.

He needs to meet his child. He thinks of Mado Akira's mother, of her father. _I can't imagine wanting to leave them._

Someone calls Urie's name, and he darts down the hall.

"You should talk to him, Ui," Furuta encourages, leaning back against the wall. "I'm sure you can relate. Share how you coped."

_I coped?_

Ui glances at Hairu. If she were gone, he'd have the same reaction. _I didn't cope._

_I need her._

Furuta excuses himself and Ui goes to track down Urie. Hairu watches him leave. She looks paler than usual. He'll buy her melon buns tonight. He finds Urie grumbling as he works at his computer, scowling. Yonebayashi passes by with Hsiao, that new Quinx who's from the Sunlit Garden.

"You're Ui Koori?" Hsiao asks, eyes wide. "You're dating Ihei Hairu!"

"Um—yes—"

"I remember her from our days in the Sunlit Garden," Hsiao says. "I always looked up to her."

Ui blinks. He'll have to tell Hairu. It will make her smile. "Furuta suggested I talk to you, Urie."

"I'm working."

Ui nods. "Let us know if you need anything."

"I _need_ to save him," Urie says, looking up at Ui. "I'm not losing Mutsuki like we lost Shirazu."

"We'll save him," Ui promises. _I don't want to die either._

_I want to see my son or daughter grow up._

_We just have to kill them all._

* * *

"Go home," Hairu tells Ui that night. "I want to talk to Arima."

Ui's brows draw together. "Hairu—"

"I just have to ask him about—something. Related to Mutsuki," she lies. Lying used to be so easy. But the way Ui looks at her—like he knows she's lying this time—guilt flames from inside her stomach.

"I'll go with you."

" _I_ was Mutsuki's friend," Hairu cuts in.

Her unspoken words make Ui flinch. He nods and sweeps out without a word.

Hairu knocks on Arima's door. Anxiety climbs up through her spine, wraps through her throat. Her child kicks her.

"Come in."

Hairu closes the door behind her. Arima looks up at her, squinting. "Ihei."

She doesn't take a seat. Her heart pounds. "Are—" Her voice fails her.

"Ihei?"

"Are you going to do anything?" Hairu manages.

"About—"

"Eto." _You know whom I'm talking about; don't play dumb._ "She's your friend, right?"

"She's a ghoul."

 _That's not what I fucking asked!_ Hairu stomps her foot. Arima's jaw drops. "She's your friend, _right?"_

"Keep your voice down, Ihei—"

"Answer me!" Hairu shrieks.

"It's part of our plan," Arima says. "She wanted to be caught, or else—"

 _This goddamned plan._ "Are you going to help her?" Hairu demands. Her hands shake. "Are you?"

"I thought you hated her."

"I do. She doesn't hate you." _And right now, I can't fathom why_. Hairu's chest heaves. "Arima-san. Please."

"Help her?" Arima gapes at Hairu.

"Why wouldn't you?" Because Eto—she looked at Hairu the same way Ui looked past Hairu, at Arima's door, tonight. She was _jealous_. "You helped me, Arima-san. You saved me, and my baby. Koori's baby."

Arima rubs the back of his neck. "And I'm happy I did that."

"Did you ever want to kill ghouls?" Hairu asks. Prison. That's what Eto meant, right? It had flowers, it has promotions and a purpose, but they're all still in prison.

"What?" Arima freezes. His hand hovers over her drawing, of the flowers that made him so nostalgic.

"Did you?" Hairu thinks of Touka. "You're a monster. We're both monsters, aren't we? And I'm about to bring another monster into this godforsaken world. I'm eating the dead ground up in fucking _capsules_." Her chest heaves. "I hate this. I hate feeling like a ghoul. I don't want to be a ghoul."

"Ihei—" He reaches out for her, and this is all she's ever wanted—his arms around her, comforting her as she cries, but he's stiff. Koori embraces her, but Arima's just trying to stifle her cries. _I don't love you._ "You're not a monster," Arima says. "Your choices—your child's—you don't have to be, Ihei."

 _You_ do _see yourself as a monster._

 _How can you see me as any different?_ Hairu trembles. Her baby shifts in her stomach. It kicks under her ribs, stealing her breath. _You can't be a monster, Melon Bun. I love you._ She thinks of Shio, Yusa, Rikai. _You can't be monsters. You're too young. You like melon bread._ "And yourself?" she asks. He's not that warm. Not like Koori. "Are you a monster?"

"To ghouls, I'm the god of death."

 _So yes_. Hairu looks up into his face and shakes her head. "You could make it up to them. You could save Eto."

"For—"

"For her sake, for your sake, for anyone's sake! You could—break her out, I know you could!" _Live, just live! You're a liar, you're a fraud, you're a devil, but don't fucking die, don't you dare fucking die on me!_

" _Ihei!"_

Thunder crashes outside. Hairu jumps back, away from him. "You're my hero. You have to. If anyone can, it's you—you smiled at me, no one ever had—all I've ever wanted is for you to—to smile at me, to pat my head again—all I've wanted—ever—"

"Ihei…" Arima sighs and leans back against the desk. "I don't have long left to live."

"And you've just resigned yourself to it?" Hairu demands. "I have to live, Arima! I have—my baby will be counting on me—I'm going to fight, when I start—when my life gets shorter and shorter—I've got to fight. There are so many who look up to you—Shio, Yusa, Rikai—not just the, but Hirako and Ui and Sasaki and Mado—the Quinx—we all—you—"

"What would you have me do?" Arima snaps. He yanks his glasses off. "I can barely see your face without these, Ihei. I—what would you have me do?"

" _Anything_. Why are you asking me? You're supposed to have the answers. You're—"

"The god of death," Arima cuts in. "There's your answer."

_Death. You're embracing it._

_Why?_

"No," Hairu says, her breath choking her. "What will you be then? What kind of—"

"I'll be free." He fiddles with his glasses, still in his hand.

 _You bastard!_ Hairu glowers at him. "Our purpose—"

"To kill," Arima says. "And to be killed." He shakes his head. "Damn, I really can't see." He slides the glasses back on.

 _I'll say_. "What happens to us when we're gone?" Hairu asks. "What will happen to Koori? To Hirako?" _What happens to my baby?_

"I've made arrangements. It won't be long now." He rises and turns, walking towards the window.

She grasps for any hope she can. "You don't seem any weaker on the battle—"

"I'm not."

Hairu doesn't understand. "If you're going to die then shouldn't you at least make sure Eto is okay?"

Arima doesn't look back at her. "There are things you don't understand, Ihei."

"I understand one thing," Hairu says, her voice shaking. Her fingers and toes burn. "You're a coward."

He lets out his breath. "I know."

" _Bullshit!"_ Hairu storms over and grabs the books on his desk. She hurls one of them at him. He yelps. "I don't want to hear that from you! You should fight, no matter what, because your life isn't the only one that depends on it!"

"What, humanity—"

"Not just humanity!" Hairu screams. Her throat feels raw. " _Me!_ Shio! Rikai! Yusa! Koori! Hirako! Sasaki! Akira! I don't get the luxury of ducking out because I have a kid and whether you like it or not, there are people who depend on you!" _I've given up my humanity for this kid, you should give something up for someone besides yourself!_

"I've made arrangements—"

"You only care about dying because you only care about yourself!"

"You're wrong!" he yells back at her, fists curled by his sides, shoulders hunched, and looking nothing like the calm god she's always seen him as.

"You won't even save the woman who loves you," Hairu says.

"What?" Arima stiffens.

"Are you really that blind?" She doesn't care that she's mocking him. "She loves you. And I used to see you as—hope itself."

He rubs his shoulder from where the book struck him. "I've always been hopeless."

His words hit her in her chest. The baby squirms inside her. "I see that now."

"Good." His voice is so cold.

And just like it's always been.

_You were—a dream._

Hairu spins on her heels and stalks through the door with as much dignity as she can manage. She waits until she leaves the CCG to break down in sobs, fists covering her eyes.

_I can't do this anymore._

_Without Arima-san…_

She realizes where she is when she arrives at :re. She pushes open the door to see Touka mopping the floor. Touka freezes.

"Hi," Hairu says, wiping at her nose.

"Are you okay?" Touka cries out.

"Are you in labor?" demands Nishiki. "Damn, you got big—ow!" Touka whacks him over the head with the mop.

If she wanted to ask for human meat, they'd probably give it to her. And eating fresh flesh would probably take the edge off this exhaustion crippling her. But they don't know about what she is, and Hairu can't bring herself to say it. "You remember Yotsume?" Hairu asks. "Fueguchi."

Touka clutches the mop. "She's my little sister."

_You—you're a monster, and you have more courage than my god._

_Who was always just a man. And a monster too._

"You know she's on the disposal list, right? At Cochlea?" _Because your pal Sasaki hasn't been doing shit lately except arresting Eto. That bitch. I hate her_. But if Koori's helped her hold on when Arima's crumpled, maybe Eto can help Arima.

Yomo emerges from the back. He exchanges a glance with Touka.

"Do you want to help her escape?" asks Hairu _. I can't leave. Not ever. I'm trapped in the web._

She's seen so many flies go out that way, at the mercy of a spider. They were everywhere in the Garden, and the smells of roses always remind her of watching them die.

But she has Koori. She has his baby. _He loves me._

If she has to stay here she can at least do one thing right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: Ui finds out about one of Hairu's lies.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Sorry, this chapter is probably Hairu's lowest point... but things will get better for her from here on out? (Ui, on the other hand, has a lot further to fall.)

"You've been working late, Ihei."

She rubs her temples. Decaf coffee sits cold on her desk. The baby elbows her in the diaphragm and she winces. Her phone contains several texts from Touka and Karren, as she wants to be called now. Every time Hairu looks at them she hears a voice calling her a monster, and she wants to cry. "So what, Nimura?"

Ui's been distant and grumpy the past day. But Hairu can't cross that bridge. Not until she helps Hinami escape and Eto too. Maybe then Arima won't want to die. Maybe she can still save him. She has to try. If they help Fueguchi escape, Eto can escape as well.

"So, do you think that will help Tsuneyoshi not kill your child?"

Hairu's head snaps back. She gapes at him.

"I know Yoshitoki talked to him for you and you've been downing those RC cell pills, but do you really think _they're_ okay with it?" Furuta croons. He plants his hands on her desk, leering at her.

"Arima—" He wouldn't lie about this. He wouldn't. "You've always been a liar, Nimura."

"Are you sure?" he prompts. "I would think this is the one thing you don't want to take a risk on."

"You're lying." Her hands shake. She won't believe that.

_You coward…_

He is. But he's still Arima Kishou, and he still smiled at her that time years and years ago. It meant nothing to him, but it gave her something to cling to.

And now she's letting it go. _I have Koori. And my baby_.

"Are you willing to take that risk?"

"Go to hell," Hairu says, turning to stomp away from him. She's done with having to deal with his ridiculousness.

He grasps her elbow, and Hairu prepares a kick in the groin. He dodges, hands flying up. "I know Arima hid you months ago. How do you think Ui would react if I told him?"

Hairu gapes at him. The baby stills in her stomach. Her heart thumps.

"That's not my preferred plan, obviously," Furuta says, examining his fingernails.

"What do you want?" Hairu demands, desperate. _Please leave me alone, just leave me alone!_ She wants to go home with Koori and mull names over in her mind again, not focus on this madman.

"Help me," Furuta says, grinning. "Help me kill Tsuneyoshi."

Cold washes through Hairu. The desks seem to creep closer around her. Her phone feels weighted in her pocket. _Traitor. Monster._ "What?"

"I'm going to arrange for peace," Furuta says, eyes glittering. "Super peace. For all of us. To do that, I need to become bureau chief."

Hairu feels as if she's going to be sick. Dr. Shiba increased her dosage of those pills again, but it might not be working. "You've always thought too much of yourself," Hairu ekes out. _Are you fucking insane? There's no way that will happen._ "Tsuneyoshi agreed to let me have the baby. Yoshitoki and Matsuri exist. They helped me. Yoshitoki did. I owe him."

"Why, because he created you? Bred you and the moment he realized you didn't have a kakahou sent you to the Sunlit Garden to be carved into the weapon you are today?"

Laughter echoes outside. "Keep your voice down," Hairu hisses. She rubs her fingers. They're stiff.

But Furuta isn't going to let up. "Wouldn't that be better for your child, to grow up in a world where the Sunlit Garden won't mash its mind to hate you and where it won't have to live in fear of being eaten? Isn't that what you want? When you die— _young_ —it won't have to live in fear of being eaten if I—"

Hairu shakes her head, stumbling back. "I'm not a murderer! I'll tell. I'll tell Arima. You're a—"

"I'm not the one eating human remains," Furuta quips. He reaches into her purse, pulling out the bottle. The pills clack against the plastic sides as he shakes it.

"Stop," Hairu requests, eyes stinging. She's _not_ a murderer. Ui would never forgive her. And she does owe the Washuus. To hell with her own life. She owes them for her baby's. She trusts Yoshitoki.

"But it's your dream," Furuta coos. "Now that you're having the baby, for it to live a good life, isn't it?"

"They can—I can—"

Furuta rolls his eyes, dropping the pills back into her purse. "What was your dream before, killing enough ghouls so that Arima would want to fuck you?"

Revulsion hits her. "Shut the fuck up!"

"Because he never would. He can't see outside of his own godlike head."

"He's—" _Got eyes for another, except he can't see at all_. "Go to hell."

Furua gestures to the desks around them, littering with binders and paperwork and with screens reflecting ghoul profiles and maps of Rushima. "This world is hell."

"And you're not the devil," Hairu says, thinking of Eto.

Furuta frowns. "Huh?"

"You're a sick bastard, and I'm not going to let you—" One word to Arima, and Furuta's head will be—

"You don't have a choice, do you, Ihei? That baby needs you." Furuta bites his lip. "I don't think Koori would want you if he knew. Or if he knew about the kid. Because you really, really want that baby for whatever reason, and that makes you easy to play with."

Hairu shakes her head. "I won't."

Furuta lunges and grabs her arms. "Think of your kid for a moment, Ihei. Unfortunately for you it will probably look more like Ui than like a Washuu, because then it might look like Arima, which I bet you'd want. On the other hand it might look like me, which I doubt you'd be thrilled with."

Nausea bubbles in Hairu's stomach. "Fuck you!"

"Did you think of Arima, Hairu, when you kissed Ui? Did you close your eyes? Could you even stand to see his face or did you pretend you were making sweet love to the one you actually loved?"

"You don't understand anything!" Hairu shouts. _He loves me; Koori loves me! Arima just smiled at me._ It's not the same.

_I love Koori._

_I don't know what love is, but I know he loves me, and I—I think I love him. I do._

"I have so much dirt on you that you won't be able to tell anyone about this little conversation of ours," Furuta hisses, face inches from hers. "You tell anyone, and I'll tell all your secrets, about where you ran away to. See, Hairu, that's the problem: once you care about someone, you open yourself up for blackmail. And you've got that baby. And Arima. And Ui. So you _are_ going to help me whether you like it or not."

Panic wraps its hands around her neck. _I'm trapped._ "I'm not a killer," Hairu manages again.

He lets out a pitiful laugh. "Yes, yes you are." Furuta's eyes snap to her quinque.

 _That's different!_ Her phone feels cold in her pocket, and she remembers Kanae, Touka, Fueguchi. The clover girl.

 _I'm a monster._ Half a monster. Her child, too.

_Maybe monsters deserve a chance to live, if they don't hurt people._

_I have a short life._ If so, she wants to make the most of it. The baby turns over. "No."

"I'm going to tell Ui," taunts Furuta in a sing-song voice.

"What are you, five?"

He swallows. "Six, actually. And you just threatened to tell Arima."

"You make no sense." She glares at him. "Ui won't believe you. He trusts me. He—" _loves me._

_He really does._

"Your _child_ 's life is on the line, Ihei." Furuta reaches out for her baby bump. His hand brushes her navel.

Hairu spits in his face. He stumbles back and Hairu kicks him. Furuta falls over her desk, knocking papers everywhere. He tumbles to the ground, papers fanning out like snow under him.

"What the hell?" yells a familiar voice. Ui rushes into the room. "Get away from her!"

"He's a bastard!" Hairu yells, rounding the desk. She's going to stomp his fucking face in. "You pathetic—wretched—piece of shit—"

"Hairu!" Ui grabs her. "What did he do to you?" Ui's eyes look positively murderous. His hand reaches for his briefcase, for his quinque. His foot lands on top of Furuta's chest, pinning him to the floor. "How dare you, you—"

"I just confronted her with the truth," Furuta wheezes. "You know. The one she wouldn't tell you about. She wasn't kidnapped by ghouls. Arima helped hide her because she was scared."

* * *

"What?" Ui's hands shake. He can't believe what he walked in on—Furuta attacking Hairu—when she's so pregnant— _you absolute asshole, I'm going to murder you!_

But Furuta's now sneering at Hairu, and his words—they sink into Ui. "Bullshit!"

"It's true," Furuta insists, hands flying up to cover his face. "She wanted to run away. With Arima. Without ever telling you. He faked her death."

"I didn't know that!" Hairu shouts. "I didn't know he was going to do that! I—" She cuts herself off, face gray.

_What?_

_No._

Ui shakes his head. His mouth opens and closes but he can't will his tongue to work, to speak. _She couldn't have. You couldn't have._

"That's not what it was—I was scared to tell you!" Hairu cries out. Now she's crying. Furuta wriggles back and out from under Ui's foot.

"You—weren't—all that—" He's not making any sense. His thoughts come jumbled. _All those hours I spent looking for you—I couldn't sleep—I would have given anything—_ and it was all a fucking lie? "Hairu?"

She's sobbing. "It's not what you think, Koori, really—"

Ui grabs the desk, mind spinning. _No. No._ Was _everything_ a lie?

He remembers Arima's words. _She's probably dead._

" _You fucking liar!"_ Ui erupts, glaring at Arima's door. If the man was around, he'd barge right in there and—and what exactly? He can't beat Arima in a fight. No one can. He's better than Ui in every way. Ui bows his head. His chest tightens. It feels like it's going to snap, break open at the ribs and drop his insides onto the ground. It's excruciating. _You lied to me about this?_

_I couldn't fathom going on without you._

"I didn't know he would tell you that!" Hairu yells.

"You knew he lied!" Ui whirls around to face her. "Why?" _Why? Why? Why?_

_What could I have done to be better?_

_Why was I never enough?_

_Hairu!_

He fights for her. He's always fought for her. And she—she chose Arima over him. He wants to throw up.

"I didn't!" Hairu screams. "I found out I was pregnant—I told you I went to him for help—"

"And you decided to run away with him?" Ui glares at her. "What, wherever you ran away to wasn't nice enough for you?" His hands shake. He can see her stomach protruding and he wants to pound his fists at the air, scream like a child. _Why?_

"Not with him—it was—I just asked him to help me get away!" She's scrambling for words. "He said he would tell you I was visiting friends in Hokkoido for a few days!"

"Without even telling me? That's my kid!" Ui clutches the edge of the desk. A new thought, horrible, bleeds from his mind. His mouth opens and closes. He chokes the words out in a whisper. "Is—isn't it?"

"Huh?" She looks confused.

He doesn't want to say it. " _Is_ it even my kid?"

Hairu's jaw drops.

Ui's heart plummets as she gapes at him, and then Hairu grabs a cup of cold coffee on her desk and throws it in his face.

Ui's face turns to the side. The sugary liquid drips down his face. He can't look at her. He's ashamed. He's angry, and ashamed. Of the fact that he's not Arima. Of asking her that. Of the fact that he's been such a fool.

"I told you I've never been with anyone else," Hairu says, her voice shaking. "Why would you—"

 _But it hurts._ "So you wanted to run away with another man without even telling me I had a child?" he manages.

"Not _with_ him! He was just helping me!"

"It doesn't matter! You lied to me about—about so many things—about this— _why?_ Why should I believe you?" _Make me believe you. Please, Hairu. I want to believe you._

"When I found out he'd convinced you I was dead, I came back!"

"But why did you lie? Why did he tell me that? Why? That's like killing a fly with a gun!" Ui clutches his skull. _Did you not want to be with me that badly?_

 _You could have just told me. I'd have supported you if you still wanted the child. You don't owe me yourself._ His chest heaves. Something salty stings Ui's eyes, but tears can't fall free. He blinks them away. "Why?" he repeats. "Hairu, why?"

"I don't know! There are things you don't—" Hairu sucks in her breath. A sob rips out from her mouth. "You don't understand how I felt, Koori, I was—"

"How _you_ felt?" _What about me?_

Hairu doubles over, crying. Furuta gets to his feet.

"Get the fuck out of here!" Ui yells, raising his fist. Furuta scampers away. "We wasted so many resources—the Quinx were so upset—aren't they your friends? Do you even have friends? Or is it just _Arima, Arima, Arima,_ all the time?"

"I don't know!" Hairu yells. "I don't know if—I have friends—what that's like—I don't know—you said you loved me!"

 _Don't throw that at me_. It burns like acid. "And you love Arima."

She shakes her head. " _No_."

"Yes, you do," he chokes out. "You do, Hairu." _I'm nothing._

"Don't tell me what I feel!" She glares up at him. "I only—I'm having _your_ kid, Koori, I—"

"Tell me why," he says. "Why, Hairu? Why did you do this? Why are you having my kid if you only think I'm an option? Why?"

"Because I _want_ it!" Hairu shakes her head. "I— _love_ —it. I don't know what love is—I told you there were things I couldn't tell you yet—"

He's desperate. "Tell me them _now_ , if they're going to explain why you lied to me like that."

She hangs her head and shakes it. "They don't. I can't."

_So that's it, then._

_I'm not Arima.  
_

_I'm just Ui Koori._

_You don't love me._

"Ui? Ihei? Are you okay?"

 _Shit!_ Ui whirls around to see Hirako standing in the doorway, Rikai, Shio, and Yusa gaping behind him. And behind them, Arima appears.

 _You bastard_. _You played me for a fool. Is that all I am to you? The fool of the Arima Squad?_

Hairu gasps, terror creeping over her face. For Arima, clearly. Not for him. It's never been for him. "Don't worry," Ui chokes out, to her. "I won't hurt him."

"Huh?" asks Shio.

"I'm going home." Ui grabs his coat and fumbles with his briefcase. He stalks past them.

"Ui," Arima begins.

"Fuck you!" Ui spits.

Hirako, usually so inscrutable, lets out a gasp.

His apartment feels so empty without her.

* * *

"Ihei—"

"Don't!" Hairu wrenches away from Arima. The three kids goggle at her. She grabs her briefcase and runs out.

Snow falls lightly, but she can't see Ui in the street. He's on his way home.

It's her home too right now. Would he want to see her?

 _You've never had a home._ Hairu wraps her arms around herself. He doesn't want her anymore. Or the baby. Her teeth chatter and Melon Bun kicks her and she deserves it. Tears fall, freezing to her face. _I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go._

_Koori._

Her feet move without her mind. She knocks on the door of the apartment she's arrived at.

Mado Akira opens it. Her eyes widen. "Ihei! Are you—"

Hairu shakes her head, sniffling as she breaks down. Akira ushers her inside, closing the door. A cat hisses at Hairu. Figures.

"Maris Stella," scolds Akira as she helps Hairu to the couch. "What happened? Is it Mutsuki?"

"N-no. Koori and I—had a fight—and it's my fault." She grabs one of Akira's soft rose throw pillows and rests it atop her belly. The baby kicks her as if to agree with her assessment. She bawls.

_I don't want to lose him._

_I'm trying to protect him and I can't even tell him._

_I love him._

"Did he kick you out?" Akira sounds shocked.

Hairu shakes her head. The pillow is smooth against her face. _I can't face him. I'm too ashamed.  
_

"Does he know you're here?"

She shakes her head again.

"Can I text him?" asks Akira.

Hairu nods. "Just—say—I'm with you." He probably thinks she's with Arima. _Never._

_He's a coward._

And Ui's right: she does love Arimas. She thinks, anyways. But not the same way Ui loves her, or she loves him. She doesn't have to earn Ui's love—he gave it to her. Just because he wanted to. Because he wanted her. And she trashed it.

 _What choice did I have?_ Ire flares. For a moment, she understands Furuta's desire to kill Tsuneyoshi. Then—then what, though? If Koori hears she's descended from a ghoul… _it was all a fucking lie._

"Hairu?" Akira pushes some tea at her. "It's decaf."

Hairu takes the tea, wiping her eyes. Her tears have stained the pillow. "Sorry."

Akira nods.

_You'd hate me too._

_I'm not a monster._

_I don't want to be this._

"What do you think of Takizawa?" Hairu asks.

Akira recoils. Tea sloshes onto her leg and she swears.

" _Now_ ," Hairu adds, the warmth seeping through the mug and stinging her fingertips. "He's—been turned into a ghoul, and Amon—he's dead. Do you still—you loved them."

"Death means nothing," Akira says, gulping tea that is clearly too hot. "My father loved my mother all his life, and she died too young."

Maris Stella hops up next to Hairu, who reaches out to pat the fluffy animal. Maris Stella settles next to her and purrs. At least the cat likes her.

"I love Amon still," Akira says, her voice broken. "And Takizawa—it kills me to see what he's become."

"He's beyond saving?"

"Ghouls can't be—" Akira draws in her breath.

"Sorry," Hairu interjects. She thinks of Touka, of Karren, of Nishiki and Fueguchi. _We're about to save a ghoul._

 _After, where will I go?_ She thought it would assuage her conscience, and she could return to life with Ui and Melon Bun. But now Ui doesn't want her.

_He doesn't love me anymore._

Now she thinks she understands Arima.

But if she has to leave Ui, she at least owes him the truth.

* * *

 _Hairu's staying with me, and when you come back from Rushima, I'm going to beat your brains in,_ Akira's texted him.

Ui curses and turns away from his phone. He sits on the edge of his couch, raking his fingers through his hair. _What did I do?_

He can't believe he said that to her. It's not her fault. It's fucking Arima's for lying to him. And the baby... he loves Melon Bun. That sappy, sugary nickname that he can't even cringe at hearing anymore. Ui swallows. _How do I apologize?_ Flowers? A bouquet of melon buns? A kitten? Is there even a way to apologize, for either of them?

 _I still love her. I still want to be with her_. Ui doubles over. _I miss you._

A knock sounds at the door. Ui jumps, and then he runs to it. _Hairu?_

Hirako stands outside. He spreads his hands when Ui answers. "Is she here?"

Ui shakes his head. "Mado's."

"Can I come in?"

Ui steps back, letting his friend in. He heads to the kitchen to brew some tea. It wasn't Hairu at the door. Of course it wasn't. Of course she wouldn't come here. _I'm awful._

"Stop," says Hirako, face as impassive as ever. "I don't need anything. Or want anything."

Ui hesitates, and then sighs. He stomps back over to the couch and sits, scowling.

"So," Hirako says to break the silence. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," Ui says. He doesn't want the CCG to know Hairu and Arima lied about that. He can't risk her getting in trouble. She's a good investigator. She's talented. She's fun. "I fucked up."

"I noticed."

Ui groans. "What if she won't forgive me?"

"I mean I was talking about what you said to Arima, but—"

He _doesn't deserve an apology._ Ui grits his teeth.

"Just tell her you're sorry," Hirako says.

"She doesn't want me," Ui blurts out, staring at the white wall, covered in photographs of himself as a child, himself on horses, himself sandwiched between his parents. He can almost hear his father's _I told you so right_ now. But his father isn't right. "After what I said—"

"I didn't hear what you said," Hirako admits.

Ui snorts. "Good." He grabs a throw pillow and hugs it. He misses her laugh. And Melon Bun, his active little daughter or son. _Hairu_.

"You know," Hirako says. "You're going to Rushima soon. Like, the next couple days soon."

"I know." Ui tightens his grip on the pillow, wringing it.

"You'll want things to be settled before you go," Hirako tells him.

 _I can't die_. Ui's never been afraid of death before. But now—he needs her. He needs his child. And he has no clue how to move forward. But he has to. He loves her. "Will you go shopping with me?" he asks.

Hirako raises his eyebrows. "For what?"

Two hours later, Ui lugs everything into the house. He stays up all night, arranging the cradle, the baby blankets, the storybooks, the diapers, all of it. _Everything's ready._

He contemplates sending Hairu a picture, but no, he'll show her. Maybe it'll touch her. Or maybe not.

He stumbles out the door in the morning, desperate to see Hairu, not noticing the two men watching him leave.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Apologies, I know the pacing kinda rushes in this chapter.

But the next day, when he finds her hunched over at her desk with swollen eyes and bags hanging under them, Hairu says she'll be staying with Akira again that night, and Ui wants to cry. _Why? Did I mess up that badly? Are you really staying with Arima?_

Judging by Akira's glare, he's an ass for even thinking that.

"Fine," Ui says stiffly. "I'll be going to Rushima tomorrow." And she won't be with him. He remembers how it felt, fighting without her by his side, during the Tsukiyama operation.

Hairu's eyes widen. She gulps, pushing herself to her feet. "Koori..."

He opens his mouth, but can't continue. _I still love you._ The anger that burns inside of him burns at Arima. He still feels like he could take his quinque to Arima's door, the bastard.

Ui spots Shio peering at them as if he's terrified. Ui jerks his head and holds out his hand to her. _Can we go elsewhere?_

She takes his hand, and he leads her out into the hallway. Cold winter light falls through the windows. "I shouldn't have accused you of that, but I still don't understand." Dammit, that wasn't what he meant to say.

But she nods. "When you get back," Hairu says, lowering her head. "I'll... explain everything, okay, Koori?"

 _You will?_ He trusts her, still. Ui reaches out, wanting to brush his fingers under her chin, but he can't quite bring himself to do it. "Okay," he agrees.

"Keep your promise, okay?"

His promise. To live. To make it to see his baby. Ui swallows. He nods. "I will."

Hairu doesn't smile. Her eyes fixate on the leafless skeletons of trees outside, the ones with branches knocking against each other in the wind. "Good."

Ui heads home by himself again, feeling hollow. He passes by two men smoking on the sidewalk. "No wife with you today?"

Ui starts. "Excuse me?" He turns to see one of the men cocking his head, studying him.

"You usually have your wife with you. Did she have the little one?"

A chill runs down Ui's spine. He doesn't recall ever having seen these men before. "She's my girlfriend."

The men exchange glances, and Ui's face burns. _Fine. I'm a snake. I already know that_.

"Have a good day," the man tells Ui, taking the other's elbow and escorting him away. Ui's teeth chatter in the cold. _How strange._

He doesn't have time to think about it, not now. He makes sure there's food in the fridge, melon buns on the table, and writes Hairu a note. _We'll talk soon._ He'll hold her to that promise to explain.

* * *

"He's not at your apartment, you said," Nishiki says. "He's off having a merry time slaughtering my kind. So why don't you go back home?"

"He's killing terrorists," Hairu shoots back, drumming her fingers on the table at :re. Her baby won't stop shifting today and she feels as if she'd prefer to burst than have to go another month like this. "It's justice."

"Is it justice to break Fueguchi out?"

"Shut up."

Yomo rubs his head. He's still silent, that one. He doesn't trust her. And he shouldn't.

Hairu only has two prices for helping break Fueguchi out: that they try not to hurt people, and that they free Eto and take her with them. _For you, Arima._ If there's any hope for him not to die alone, Eto's it.

She sent Ui off two days ago, off to Rushima. He could barely look at her, still. Or maybe she's the one who couldn't look at him. Either way, he didn't kiss her before he left.

 _Remember your promise,_ she wanted to shout after him, because his reassurance isn't enough. _You have to come back. You can't die._

She's been staying at Akira's, but she _should_ return home. Not that it will feel like that without Ui there. A lump grows in her throat.

She leaves :re late, heading back to Ui's place. Touka volunteers to walk her. Yomo gives her a look, and Touka retorts that she can take care of herself. _If you weren't a ghoul, we could be friends._

_I'm so lonely._

Touka clears her throat, awkward. "I hope it works out for you two."

Hairu rubs her stomach. Her worst fears bubble up inside of her, churning and bleeding. The RC supplements are barely keeping the nausea at bay nowadays. "He doesn't love me anymore." There it is, her worst fear.

"I don't think you can switch that off," Touka says. "Loving someone. Not that easily."

"Are you talking about Sasaki? Because he's been an asshole lately."

Touka scowls.

Hairu walks slowly. She can't risk falling because she's frankly not sure she'll be able to get up on her own and asking a ghoul for help with saving another ghoul is different than asking one for help getting off her butt. "Do you want to come in?"

Touka blinks. Hairu doesn't even know why she's doing this. She hates herself, but Touka nods.

Hairu pushes open the door to Ui's apartment. Her apartment. She flicks the light on and freezes. A cradle's all set up, and a pile of child's books and blankets sits on the couch, waiting. A stuffed tiger smiles at her.

"Oh," Hairu says in a small voice. _He really does still want Melon Bun._

"Well," says Touka. "Seems like he's got everything under control." She lifts a bag of melon buns on the table.

Hairu shakes her head. Her throat tightens. She wipes at her eyes. "Sorry. Hormones." Shame curdles in her lungs. _My mother was a ghoul, Koori._ Did she even want Hairu, or did she hate her as she took over her mother's body, kicked her ribs?

_I've been taking RC supplements, Koori._

They fed them to her in the Garden, too. Sludge, really.

_Our baby will be a quarter ghoul, Koori._

_Don't hate me, Koori._

"He seems like a good man," Touka whispers.

"He's an investigator who would cut your head off if he knew you were here," Hairu replies, focusing on the stuffed tiger. Ui knows she loves the animals. He sends her cute videos of tigers wrestling while they're at work.

Touka says nothing.

"But he is a good man," Hairu ekes out.

Something crashes from the bedroom. The sound of breaking glass.

Hairu whirls around.

" _Ihei!"_ screams Touka.

Two men in business suits, bald and with sallow skin, emerge bearing quinques. For a moment Hairu thinks they're investigators come for Touka, but then she realizes. _Furuta wasn't lying._

 _They want me dead!_ Hairu thrusts her briefcase open, quinque in her hand. Touka's kagune, an ukaku, explodes from her back. Lightning cracks and shoots at the agents, striking one of them.

"What the hell?" Hairu shrieks. That'd be one interesting quinque.

"Run!" Touka yells.

Hairu obeys. She tears down the stairs and out onto the street. Touka follows. The baby's like running with a weight attached to her front. She wheezes. The air's cold, too cold. It chafes at her lungs. _Help me!_

Touak ducks, barely avoiding a quinque. Hairu whips hers at the agent.

_They thought I would be alone._

"Come on!" Touka grabs her, kagune vanishing as she barrels down the street, kakugans still blazing. Saving her. Touka drags her down into the metro system, where they jump on a train and lose the agents. _What am I going to do?_

_Ui's going to think I made it up again._

_Oh my God._ Hairu turns to Touka, hands over her mouth. thoughts race, each one more nauseating than the last. "When he gets back—they're going to—" If they try again—or just to be safe—if they—

_I can't go back there._ _I'm not a CCG agent anymore. They tried to kill me. If Ui had been there...  
_

She collapses onto one of the seats. "He's going to—they'll go after him, Touka, they'll go after Koori, and he has no idea—"

Touka hesitates. "If he knows nothing, they might let him—"

"I can't risk that!" People turn to stare. Hairu hates them. She hates the ads, colorful and obnoxious, she hates the rocking motion of the train, she hates the ugly lighting and the fact that it feels like a fucking sauna in here. _Ui! Ui Koori!_ "What am I going to do?" So much for sharing the truth. "I'm not risking his life. I don't care."

She just wants him to survive.

"Well," Touka begins carefully. "There is a certain—someone—who owes you. But, Hairu, if you do this—if you—"

"The dead don't have chances," Hairu snaps. She needs to do this.

* * *

Karren von Rosewald can't believe she's doing this.

 _He doesn't love me anymore_ , said that stupid pink human girl. _But_ _I can't let them kill him; I can't!_

"I'm so fucked," Karren mumbles to herself. She's not entirely certain why she agreed.

Because Shuu was going, as Touka pointed out, and he won't let her call him _Master_ anymore. And because she saw desperation screaming from that girl's eyes. Ihei couldn't handle it if this idiotic Ui Koori who by all accounts actually arrested Mirumo were to die. To be fair, he is the father of her child.

Rushima is a dark island. Damp air slimes the back of Karren's neck. The air smells like salt and smoke as she creeps along. She checks the photo on her phone for the billionth time.

Shuu looks down at her, and she smiles at him.

" _No matter what, I can't let him die!"_

And Karren understood. That's why she's here. Because Shuu looks at her, and Ihei should have the chance for that Ui Koori to look at her.

Shuu's fingers rest on her shoulder blades as they crouch low, listening to the shouts and screams of a nearby battle.

_What if he's dead by the time I get there?_

She'll leave Shuu if this Ui is still alive. Karren looks to him. _You can't die on me._

"Don't be afraid, _Mademoiselle_ ," Shuu whispers to her.

She flushes. _You know I love you._

And he's been respectful of it.

"I'll come back alive," he promises her.

 _You can't promise that._ But he can try. She follows until Shuu halts. Karren almost stumbles into him.

"Well, there he is," Shuu says in disgust. "Trying to kill Naki and Three Blades. Make sure you get him, Karren. Take an arm if you have to."

She nods, kagune surging out. Shuu reaches out and grips her face. "Don't get killed."

"You neither."

"I have no plans to die." Shuu brushes her hair back from her face, clears his throat, and then gets to his feet. He walks ahead, and Karren has to head in a different direction, leave him, all the while not knowing, all the while not being in control.

"Monsieur!" Shuu's voice booms out as Karren creeps closer. Doves wield quinques. Karren tenses as they attack. _Shuu!_

"I believe I owe you for something," Shuu spits at Ui Koori. "Unfortunately I can't deliver just yet."

Karren takes her cue. She runs straight for Ui Koori.

"Excuse me?"

Karren lunges, aiming her kagune at Ui's quinque. She rips it out of his hands. Or, she tries. He's strong and counters, turning to face her. Black hair sticks to his sweat-soaked face. _How did you block that?_

She has to disarm him. This one's dangerous, she can tell. _Surprise_. That's her best bet, unnerving him. "You know who I am?" Karren hisses. " _Rose_."

Ui's eyes widen. He's not bad looking. Not surprising Ihei likes him. He swings at her and she dodges, charging back towards the forest. _That's right. Follow me._

"I'm not trying to kill you!" she snarls. Figures. The one time she doesn't want to kill an investigator and he wants to kill her.

They didn't even ask questions when they killed Mom and Dad. Karren remembers the sound of the vase in their front hall shattering, Arunolt's hands on her as he yanked her from her bed, Nathanael trembling but still assuring her. He took her wrists, pulling her down the stairs.

Ui Koori doesn't even respond. This time she barely misses a blow from his quinque, aimed at her throat. She slams into the ground, springs back on her feet.

 _You are so not worth this!_ Karren spits out a mouthful of mud. "Your girlfriend needs you! She's having your baby soon, right?"

That does it. Ui flinches in shock, and that moment of hesitation is what Karren needs to slash his arm and force the quinque out of his hand. _Sorry, Ihei. I said I wouldn't kill him, not that I wouldn't hurt him._ She kicks his legs out from under him and leers over him, her rinkaku millimeters from his carotid artery. "I told you I don't want to kill you. Or rather, she won't let me kill you."

"What?" Ui sputters. He looks at her like a monster. _Bastard_.

"I owe her," Karren says, reaching out and grabbing Ui's throat. He gags. "She saved me from that Aogiri bitch who tortured me. She said it wasn't right for a ghoul to be tortured."

"She wasn't—Aogiri—" Ui manages.

"Oh right, she said you'd say that. Except she was. Arima sent her to that woman. She's been lying to protect him."

Ui's eyes bug. Which could be because she's squeezing awfully hard. Karren lets him go. Ui coughs. Mud smears his pristine jacket.

"Arima Kishou works with ghouls," Karren says. "Why, I don't know. Maybe he was trying to get Ihei to go undercover, I don't know, but she's scared and confused and she's trying to break Yoshimura Eto out of Cochlea which is a crime so if you want to save her life and your baby's you should act now. Also the Washuus sent an assassin to your apartment, so if you go back there, you'll die too."

"What the—what?" Ui gapes at her. Screams echo from back on the battlefield. It's his choice, Karren knows. The screams around him, or the silent screams she's still quite certain he can hear.

But fuck waiting. "I promised Ihei I'd get you back alive, so get moving."

Ui lunges for his quinque. Karren leaps in front of it and snatches it instead. "Can't fathom that a ghoul's trying to save you?" She narrows her eyes, baring her teeth.

"Hairu would _never_ work with ghouls!" Ui shoots back.

"What if she thought there was no other option?" Karren snarls, wracking her brain. Dammit, why does she even care?

_Run, Karren! You have to live! We love you!_

"What if she thought the human who loved her didn't love her anymore?" Karren remembers the woman crying and how, for the briefest of moments, she felt for this Ui Koori, having his own Kaneki. "What if she thought it was to protect Arima?"

* * *

 _Stop trying to convince me of something so ridiculous!_ This is something an honorable person would do, not a ghoul. And why would Hairu want to break Yoshimura out of Cochlea? She's not insane, and she's no friend of ghouls.

"Yoshimura tortured me! She said someone told her it was wrong—her partner!" Rose shouts.

 _Me_?

"Fine, go join your little friends," says Rose in a German accent. "Shuu's not to kill them, he already knows that, but if you go back there without your quinque I think you're stupider than that coat you're wearing suggests."

 _I need to get that back._ She used Hairu to upset him. Ui can use Tsukiyama to upset her.

"Oh, for fuck's sake." The ghoul yanks her phone out of her pocket and aims it at Ui's face.

It's definitely Hairu's number. _Promise me he won't get hurt,_ reads a text _. You have to get him out of there even if you have to knock him out. The Washuus will kill him_

Ui can't breathe. His hands feel cold. A tingling sensation runs down his spine. Nausea crunches his abdomen. "You planted that—"

Rose rips a tree branch off as if that might intimidate him, snapping it in half. "Yes, I planted it because I'm _really_ enjoying our conversation." The kagune surges again. "If I wanted to kill you why haven't I done so?"

Ui arches an eyebrow. _You're a monster._ He can't expect it to follow normal thought patterns.

"You know they'll execute her for this," the ghoul taunts. "If they catch her, right?"

They won't, because Hairu's not that stupid! Ui kicks leaves and dirt into Rose's face and scrambles up. Rose uses her rinkaku to knock him back down, flat on his back. Ui groans. This time Rose looks furious enough to kill.

_Keep your promise, okay?_

_Melon Bun..._ Tears fill his eyes. _I don't want to die here_.

The rinkaku hovers, but Rose doesn't kill him. She could. She should. It makes no fucking sense, and Ui needs Rose to be lying because the alternative is too horrible to contemplate. "What do you want from me?" Ui cries out.

"I want you to go back with me and meet up with her." Rose's eyes glitter. "Unless you never want to see her again or meet your baby. Because if she doesn't get caught at Cochlea or dies there, the Washuus are sending assassins after her."

 _The Washuus?_ "Why would they do that?" Ui screams.

"I don't even know! Something to do with the Garden?"

Hairu wouldn't go this far. Ui can't believe it. He trusts her with his life.

Even if she lied to him.

His arm throbs. Blood leaks down his coat. He doesn't want to cooperate with this ghoul. That's a crime. There's no justice. Rose is a murderer. Rose is the reason he lost friends.

"Is it right to let your girlfriend possibly die and even if not, lose your child forever? Do you want it to grow up surrounded by ghouls?" Rose spits at him, teeth bared. "How about _them_ ethics?"

"Fuck you," Ui ekes out. Is it more ethical to abandon his crew here?

"Time's ticking, Ui Koori," Rose snarls. Wind whips through the trees overhead. "Make up your mind. Or else you'll never see her again."

* * *

"Come on, Ihei!" yells Touka, ushering them ahead with Yomo and her emo brother and Fueguchi.

 _I'm a criminal_. Hairu wants to cry. She looks over her shoulder to see Arima advancing on Sasaki. Eto's free, somewhere, but Hairu can't find her, and she needs Eto to arrive _now_. She can't have Arima die. "I did this for you, Arima-san!"

"She'll get out or she won't, but if we stay here, we die!" Touka shouts, grabbing Hairu's shoulders.

_I did this to save her because she could save Arima._

But she sees that look in Arima's eyes when he saw Sasaki, when he saw the ghouls, when he sees her. It's similar to the look of cool efficiency she's seen every time he's killed a ghoul, but instead of a frenetic energy, there's a calm. And that calm terrifies Hairu. _You want to die here._

_You will die here._

Her baby squirms inside her, knees and fists poking her from the inside. She wonders if Karren got to Koori in time. _Please_. He can't be dead.

And he'll hate her for this.

But he deserves to know.

He didn't even acknowledge her. Arima-san. Not one last smile. Not even a glare. _Could_ he even see her? Maybe he never could.

"Go ahead," she tells Touka. "I'll be behind you." She yanks her briefcase open.

She doesn't know what she can do—she can't kill Sasaki, but she can't let him kill Arima either.

_I can't choose._

* * *

"She said I might have to bind and gag you to get you off that island," the ghoul remarks. She's said her name is Karren von Rosewald. Ui doesn't care.

_Hairu, you can't be serious._

_Did I even know you at all?_

He has to see for himself. His hands shake. _We better have a long talk after this._ He set everything up in their apartment—he can't believe—

Alarms blare in the prison when he enters. He hopes to lock this Rose inside. He's doing undercover work. That's all this is.

 _That doesn't fit the image of a hero of justice..._ but he has no options.

A glance at the security cameras and Ui catches sight of Arima chasing down a group of ghouls, but no Hairu.

The Rose runs behind Ui, on his heels. His shoes clack against the floor. At the very least, he can help Arima—if this was a trap, if he can help Arima—screams and crashes blaze around him. His heart thuds in his chest. _Hairu!_

What if a ghoul's eaten her already? The Rose's kakugans blaze and her rinkaku surges around him. Almost as if she's trying to protect him. "Here!"

_What the fuck?_

She tosses his quinque at him. "You'll need it, but if you try to use it on me, I'll gut you."

Ui comes to a halt. Ahead, he sees a flash of pink.

 _Hairu_!

And a group of ghouls, including Fueguchi, racing towards the disposals. Arima strides towards Sasaki, who cracks his knuckles and prepares to face off with his mentor. _You traitor! I always knew you were a ghoul!_

"Arima or Hairu?" hisses the Rose in his ear. "You choose." She aims her rinkaku at Arima. "I'm no friend of either of these two's."

"Koori," says Arima, without even looking at him.

 _My first name?_ Ui freezes.

"Go rescue Hairu."

 _Rescue—did they kidnap her after all? Aren't you supposed to be working with them? None of this makes any blasted sense!_ A roar echoes from down the hall, and more screams. Ui charges ahead. His heart pounds. _Hairu—you can't die, not here—Hairu—what is going on—_

He has no idea. The only thing he knows is that he doesn't want Hairu to die. He loves her. She's having their child, even if she's a liar, even if she doesn't love him. _You can't die._

Up ahead, someone rounds the corner, quinque out. _Hairu_.

_Hairu, why? Hairu, you're okay. Hairu, did you escape? Hairu, what is going on? Hairu!_

She skids to a stop, and her face dissolves.

"H-H—" He can't say it. _It's true—you traitor—why?_

_You're okay._

_You're okay, and the baby's okay._

_You're alive._

"Karren saved you!" Hairu cries out. "You came—"

"What the fuck have you done?" he explodes. "You _murderer!_ "

She recoils.

Screams echo from behind him. Screams he recognizes.

"I know that voice!" Hairu spins on her heel, running back the way she came.

"Get back here!" he yells. "You'll get killed—ghouls are everywhere—Hairu, it isn't safe!"

Hairu freezes. Ui catches up to her, grabbing her arm and fully intending to throw her over his shoulder and carry her to safety. His mind races with how he'll explain this to their superiors. But he will, he won't leave her, he won't let her drown, no matter what. And then he sees what she's staring at.

"Furuta?" He spots the man slicing apart the Owl, the Owl that still haunts his dreams from that night so many years ago. Using a new quinque. _Is it a quinque?_

_No._

_You're—a Quinx? Since when?_

_"Eto!"_ Hairu shouts. "You bastard!"

Furuta whirls and faces them. His eyes narrow. A look of bewilderment crosses his face. He snorts.

"What are you doing?" Ui demands. "You—defeated the Owl!" He gapes. _I didn't think you had this much power!_

"He tried to—chop up—the ghouls," the Owl rasps. _Yoshimura!_

Furuta's shoes clack against the tiles floors. He presses gloved hands against his face. "You'll be executed for this, Ihei."

 _No!_ Ui jumps in front of her. _I can't let that happen!_ "She's been brainwashed, Furuta, it's not her, don't blame her! Stockholm Syndrome, something! We can help her! I can help her!" Was this what Arima meant by rescuing her?

Furuta raises his eyebrows. "That excuse will fly when pigs do." Lights flicker above them. Eto rasps on the floor, blood oozing from her body.

Ui shakes his head. It has to be true. He'll make it true. "When did you become a Quinx?"

Furuta slips towards them, gaze focusing on her. "Did you manage to save Arima, Ihei? You loved him. You've always loved him."

Blood boils inside Ui. His stomach throbs. Hairu clutches her quinque, and she doesn't deny it.

Something dies inside Ui. His shoulders slump. _I wish... I wish..._

"Do you know, Ui Koori?" croons Furuta, stepping closer. Ui moves with him, shielding her. It's a sick dance, and fear bites into the back of Ui's neck. Shouts echo from other floors around them. Blood pools under the fallen Owl. "Do you know why she's always hanging onto Arima? Why she's helping ghouls now?"

"Shut up!" Hairu screams.

"She's brainwashed," Ui insists. "Furuta, _please_." He'll beg if he has to. He can't let them destroy her. She's too good of an investigator. She's having his baby. He loves her. _I'll confess. I'll make up a story_. Screw honesty, if it can save Hairu.

"You're a fool. She has another reason for siding with ghouls."

"Stop!" Hairu cries. "Don't!"

Ui's world is spinning. All he smells is blood. "What the—"

"It's because she is one."


	16. Chapter 16

_She's a—what?_ Ui tries to process what Furuta just said. It doesn't make any sense. He's a goddamned liar.

"Shut  _up_ , you wretched bastard!" Hairu shrieks. She lunges at Furuta.

A kagune sweeps through the air, slamming into her. Hairu tumbles to the ground, clutching her arm. Crimson drips onto the floor. Her forehead bleeds too.

 _"Hairu!"_  Ui cries out, racing towards her. Furuta's kagune—it looks just like Kaneki's—swings at him. He ducks, rolling to avoid losing his head.  _Hairu—I need to—_ she's too far— The kagune flies at him, and Ui jumps back. His arm's pierced. Ui cries out. His quinque's ripped away from him. It snaps in pieces.

_Oh my god._

_You—?_ Ui gapes up at Furuta as the man approaches, one kakugan glowing. "You're—like Sasaki—"  _I hesitated._ He shouldn't have. Ui struggles to his feet.

"She's a  _ghoul_ ," Furuta croons. "We all are."

" _No_ ," Hairu protests, struggling to sit up. She lets out a groan.

" _You're_  the ghoul! She's pregnant!" Ui yells.  _Hurt me, hurt me, don't hurt her, you ghoul!_

"About to bring your quarter-ghoul spawn into the world." Furuta snorts. His kagune still hangs in the air, teeth glittering on it as it hovers inches from Ui's face.

"Shut up!" Hairu screams. She twitches, and Ui realizes her ankle hangs limp. Broken.

"You bastard!"

"I'm telling you the truth," Furuta says. "Which she never did. Did you know, Special Class Ui Koori, that Arima, that Shio, that Rikai, that Yusa, that Hairu—they're all half ghouls? Well, half-humans really. One human parent, one ghoul. Bred from the Washuus breeding program—that's what the Sunlit Garden really is—we're all ghouls, everyone you care about is a ghoul—"

"That's not true!" Hairu gasps, pushing herself up to her knees. She can't stand, still. "Our humanity—won out in our mothers' wombs—"

 _What? Humanity... half... one parent..._  Ui's fingers feel cold. His legs are made of stone. Rocks sink in his lungs. He can't breathe.  _Hairu, Hairu—this isn't true, it's not, there's no way, you're not a ghoul, you kissed me, I love you, you have pink hair and love melon buns you don't eat humans I've seen it we're having a baby you lied you didn't you loved Arima I love you you you you you Hairu!_

"What's it like realizing you were having sex with a ghoul?" Furuta taunts. "How does that make you feel, Ui Koori? The child—it's going to be part ghoul too."

"You're a liar!" Ui can't believe it. He won't. This man—this man's a ghoul, he sees evidence right before his eyes—a monster, a liar—Hairu isn't!

"Oh?" Furuta rolls his eyes and digs through his pocket. He thrusts a paper at Ui. It flutters to the ground. The kagune twitches close to Ui's face. "Read it."

He picks up the paper. It's Dr. Shiba's test results on Hairu. Blood pressure levels are normal. Blood sugar high, but not too much. And her RC count—

It's high. Too high.

He can't read the paper anymore. The kanji turns into a black and white blob. Ui gapes at her. His hands shake.

"The Washuus want to breed a perfect half-ghoul," Furuta says. "We're all failures, born without kakuhous, so we're here. Half-humans."

"Because our humanity  _won!"_  Hairu screams. "Koori— _please_ —we're human, I'm a human! It's not different than being a Quinx, not really!"

Furuta laughs. The sound ricochets off the prison walls. It strikes Ui. He stumbles.

"I'm  _not a monster!"_  Hairu screeches.

"You're just helping them?" Furuta snarls. "You  _are_  a ghoul, Ihei. And your baby is too—or it would be. It's never going to be born." He shrugs. "Me, I had the surgery. I'm an artificial half-ghoul now. Might as well make the most of my time."

"This can't be real!" Ui finally bursts out.  _She's not!_

"She's a ghoul!"

"I'm not!"

"You are!"

"Hairu!" Ui turns to her.  _But_   _I love you._ The paper said it's true though. _A ghoul..._

"You were called the hope of the Arima Squad," Furuta muses, rubbing his chin. "I remember that. It's fitting you'll die here. And now you know: everything you lived for, everything you fought for, was a lie. Because all the Washuus are ghouls. That's how your Hairu was  _bred_."

 _No!_ The sound should echo. He can't even make it.

"You never loved her, though, did you?" demands Furuta. Hatred seeps into his voice. He curls his fists. "You just loved what she represented to you. Hope. Because for all your talk of justice it wasn't enough, but without it you didn't have anything. Until her, and then you had hope, so you latched onto her like a leech."

Ui shakes his head wildly. He can't speak.  _That's not true._ He hears Hairu crying. He wants to tell her it's a lie. It's a lie. His tongue won't move.

"She doesn't matter to you," Furuta continues. His words strip flesh from Ui's bones. "Only what she represents, because justice wasn't enough of a god for you, and you needed something to cling to."

"Shut—up!" Ui chokes out.

"You'll both die knowing you're unloved," Furuta says. "Arima's dying, Ihei, and you can't save him, and he never loved you. Ui, you'll know she and your child will die, and they're not capable of love, because they're ghouls."

* * *

Ui's looking at her with the same horror and revulsion she's always felt, but buried.  _Monster_.

Hairu's ankle throbs. She watches Eto moan nearby. Ui's quinque lies shattered.

_This is it._

_My daughter or son will never breathe the air._

And Ui's going to die too.

_You can't die yet._

_I love you. You have to live._

The look on his face—it's like he's already dead. His skin grays. His mouth opens and closes. He shakes his head again and again as he looks at her like the traitor she is.

_Did I have a choice?_

Melon Bun kicks her, struggling as if it's protesting all that's happening. One kick. Two. It cuts her breath away.

 _I have a choice._ She focuses on Furuta. That bastard.

_I'm strong._

Because her father was a ghoul.

Her briefcase lays cracked open nearby.

"Arima's going to die here too," Furuta informs Ui, a grin on his face. "And then we'll have  _peace_."

Hairu drags herself towards T-Human. Ui—he isn't even looking at her anymore. He's trembling. Hairu fumbles with the quinque, the one she modeled after Nurakami, modeled after Arima.

_I can't save Eto._

_Or you, Arima._

_I'm sorry, Arima-san._

Furuta raises his kagune back.

"No!" Hairu leaps to one foot, aiming T-Human. She fires. Electricity shoots out.

Furuta whirls.

* * *

Hairu's on her feet, turning around, pink hair flying around her face. And she's firing that other quinque of hers.

_What?_

Furuta changes direction, diving out of the way. His kagune surges towards her.

She ducks, and then it's a mistake—she slips in a puddle of her own blood, the blood still seeping from her arm.

" _Hairu!"_

Furuta's kagune cuts her. Red. He just sees red. And Ui's legs are moving now, pumping as he runs to her. Forget the battle. Forget this.  _Hairu!_

A different kagune surges out to pierce Furuta through the stomach. Furuta screams. Ui ignores it all. He collapses to his knees. Hairu gags. Blood, warm, soaks through his knees. The wound pierced her shoulder, and part of her neck. Blood gushes, but it's not spurting— _no arteries?_ He slams his palm down against it.  _Stop bleeding, stop stop stop stopstopstopstopSTOP!_

"Koo—" She gurgles.

"Don't talk!" he snaps.  _You're not dying! Not here!_

Blood drips.  _She's a ghoul._

_Her father was a ghoul._

_My baby is a ghoul._

_You have to live._  He'd pour his own blood into her.  _You have to live, you have to live, you have to live!_  Ui screams.

"Stupid Bowl Cut!"

Ui lifts his eyes. Furuta's nowhere to be found. That Rose—Karren—glares down at him, and he's babbling. "Don't let her die!"

"Ui!"

Hirako. Ui's never been so relieved to see the man in his entire life. Hirako rushes towards them, followed by Shio, Yusa, and Rikai. Shio shrieks when he sees Hairu bleeding. "Help us!" Ui begs. He's praying. He's begging everything, anything, to save her.

"Pick her up!" Karren commands. She turns and glares at Eto, gasping for breath to the side.

"K—" Hairu tries.

"Shut up!" Ui screams at her.  _Don't waste your energy!_

 _You're all I have._  He glares at Karren. _If ghouls are the only hope I have, I'll cling to them._

_I'm damned._

"Fucking fine," Karren snarls. She stomps over to Eto.

"We'll be right back!" Hirako shouts, and then he runs with the five members of 0 Squad. Karren hoists Eto over her shoulder.

"Pick her  _up_ , idiot!" Karren yells at Ui.

He obeys. He wraps her in his arms. She's moaning. He's not sure how much pressure to put on the wound.

_You almost died for me._

_You're a ghoul._

A ghoul's blood soaks his shirt, his vest, smears the 0 Squad trench coat. Ui lifts his head. Hirako and the kids escort Sasaki, and  _Arima_ , both of them looking worse for wear. "Furuta—"

"Shut up, Ui, I know," Arima snaps. "She's fine, Hirako. Nice try." He raises his quinque towards his throat.

"Hey!" screams Shio. His hands fly up to cover his eyes. Rikai grabs Yusa, sobbing.

"She's not fine, she needs to be healed fast or she'll lose the baby because it won't get enough oxygen!" Karren yells. "We're going to need help getting out of here and you're coming with us!"

Hairu whimpers. "Don't—die—" To Arima.

But no. She's writhing, hands on her stomach. She's talking to Melon Bun. "Live… please… don't die—"

Ui glares at Arima. He'll do this for her. "She did this for  _you_."  _It's your fault_.  _At least help us get out of here!_ He meets Yusa's eyes and narrows his own. Yusa nods, elbowing Shio and Rikai.

"We all need to get out of here," Hirako says. He narrows his eyes at Arima, who hesitates.

"Coward," rasps Eto.

"Shut up, bitch!" Karren snarls. "Or I'll drop you on that stupid head of yours!"

Shio throws himself at Arima, knocking him off balance. Rikai kicks Arima's knees. Yusa wrenches the quinque out of his hand. Arima gasps.

"You don't get to die here," Ui informs him. Hairu groans again, and fear stabs at him _. I can't lose you._

_Ghoul._

_Hairu._

Blood streaks her face, mottling her pink hair. He doesn't care. He'll kiss it away, wash it away himself, she's fine, she's not a ghoul—she's not a monster—monsters can't save people.

"Run!" barks Karren, carrying Eto slung over her back.

They run straight into Aura Kiyoko and Tanakamaru Mougan.

"I resign," Hirako declares.

"Me too," Ui says, even though he doesn't have a resignation letter. Hariu's breaths feel shallow.

"Take her and run," Arima says, looking down at him. "I'll give you cover."

Ui nods.

By the time they make it out, Kiyoko's lost her legs, and they've lost those other two members of the squad, the ones Ui didn't even know very well, and Karren's barking into a phone about how they need someone named Banjou. Sasaki looks like he's in shock.

Hairu's gasping, but she's still conscious by the time they made it to what must be some kind of safe house. A man with a strange goatee waits for them. He takes a look at Hairu and swears. "Get her upstairs!"

Ui hustles her up the stairs and into a plain bedroom, small and with blank walls. He lays her down on the dark blue comforter, her blood sticky on his hands. Banjou activates his kagune.

"What the hell?" Ui screams, throwing himself at the ghoul.

"Down, dove!" orders Karren. "His kagune can heal!"

 _Yeah, right!_  "That's not possible!"

"Yes it is!" Karren jabs her finger at his face. Banjou approaches Hairu, who's groaning in pain again.

"Stop!" Ui lunges. This time Sasaki and Hirako grab his arms, holding him back. Ui struggles, but it's no use. The kagune descends to Hairu's shoulder and neck.

Hairu's wounds begin to disappear. Ui gapes. Hairu's eyes bulge out. Her ankle looks like normal, her neck, smooth.  _A kagune—can heal?_

_What's the price? Is it so you can eat her?_

"She already lost so much blood," says Karren, looking at Hairu's baby bump.

Ui feels cold.  _Are you saying this might have all been for nothing?_

Hairu's face crunches. The sun starts to rise outside, threads of gold and pink braiding with indigo clouds. "It's okay," Ui assures her. But it's not. He looks up at Karren, hand clasped with Hairu's.

She's a ghoul. A  _ghoul_.

_How can we create a ghoul together?_

_How did I make a ghoul?_

"How early is it?" asks Karren.

"We were due in January."

"Good." Karren looks to Banjou, who nods.

"She needs RC cells. Just in case."

"Don't—hate—" Hairu ekes out. "I—"

"Don't discuss that," Ui orders. "Not now, Hairu—later, okay?" He wipes hair from her face.  _You're not a ghoul._

 _You're Hairu._ "You'll be okay. That man—that ghoul—I'm sure it worked for the baby too—"

"We're no better," Hairu ekes out. "No better—" Her back arches as she tries to swallow a scream. Tears leak down her face. "I'm a ghoul."

Ui shakes his head.

"What's wrong with that?" Karren asks dryly, leaning against the wall as everyone else tends to Eto.

Ui ignores the ghoul. He gets to his feet and rushes out, finding a bathroom where he wets a towel and uses it to mop dried blood from Hairu's face.

"Why are you still here?' Hairu demands. "I'm a—"

"Don't say that!" Ui cries.

"It's true!"

He can't say it. He shakes his head. His hands shake as he grips Hairu's. He still has so many questions, but:

_I almost lost you._

_I can't go through that again._

_Live. You have to live._

"What if—the baby's—" Hairu chokes out.

"It's a genuine concern that it isn't getting enough oxygen since you lost so much blood, but of course, you'll risk it because you need to keep your child free of ghoul contamination, right?" Karren snaps. "It might be better to use a kagune to get the kid out—of course, it's early, so—but Banjou can—"

"No fucking way!" Ui shouts.

"Do you still have those RC pills?" Karren demands. She pulls out her phone. "I'll get someone to go to the pharmacy for a heartbeat monitor."

_RC pills?_

Tears slip down Hairu's face. "I'm not—anemic."

 _Oh my God._ Ui can't keep the horror off his face.  _You were eating—capsules of—people? Or ghouls?_

"I'll take that as a no," says Karren, and then she's gone, and Hairu can't look at Ui.

He doesn't know what to say. Did his reaction upset her? The only sounds are their breaths, shallow and shaking.

"Here," says Karren, pushing her way back into the room. She holds out a plate, and on the plate lays a bloody lump of flesh. Ui recoils.

"No!" Hairu shrieks.

"It's for your baby!" Karren snarls. "You need to—we don't have those pills and we can't waltz back into the CCG and get them for you! Even if the blood loss isn't damaging your child's oxygen levels, you're going to need to eat or the baby will starve."

 _It needs—meat?_  "Why?" Ui bursts out. He's kneeling on the floor, looking up at a ghoul as if she has all the answers.

Hairu's eyes slip to him, and she shakes her head. "I won't. I can't."

"Sorry it's not sanitized, but welcome to our lives," snaps Karren. She shoves the plate at them, leaving it on the bed with a knife and fork. And she storms off.

Hairu's sobbing now, curled on her side. Ui places his hand on her stomach. He feels Melon Bun stirring. The baby's okay. For now.

It's true.

_Ghoul._

_Hairu._

_Hairu._

_I'm not an investigator anymore._  Ui gulps in air. Hairu squeezes her eyes shut, tears and snot running down her face. Ui reaches out to wipe them away. "Hairu…" He reaches and grabs the plate. He cuts off a small piece. He wants to gag.

She shakes her head. "I won't do it; I don't have kakugans—I'm not a monster—"

The sight of the meat, oozing blood, turns Ui's stomach. It smells like death, and it kills him. But Melon Bun—Hairu—"You saved my life there." Almost at the expense of her own. He can't let her or Melon Bun suffer. Ui clenches his jaw and shoves the forkful of meat at her lips.

She presses them shut, refusing. Blood smears.

 _You brainless—_  Ui sucks in his breath. " _Please_ , Hairu."

She cracks her eyes open. She looks at him like he's asking her to give up her humanity.

"You were already eating those pills; what's the difference?" But he knows what the difference is. He knows, now. And she can't pretend. "Stay alive," he begs, voice catching. "I want you. I want Melon Bun. Hairu, I—don't—please just eat it, you're doing it to save your child,  _our_  child, Hairu—"

"I'm a ghoul," she whispers.

"I won't see it that way," he promises, leaning forward. "Please." He tries to shove the meat in again. This time, she takes it, chewing. Tears run down her face as she swallows. She shrinks. "Thank you," he says.

She looks at him again, eyes defeated.

He cuts more meat for her, feeding her, and she cries the whole time.

 _I won't leave you._  He can't. He doesn't know where else he'd go. His hands shake. Blood stains them, wet and red.  _We're all sinners_.

But if it keeps her alive, if it keeps their baby alive, how can it be wrong? And if it is, does it even matter?

Hairu falls asleep soon after. Ui sits with her, terrified.

Karren shoves open the door. She nods when she sees the empty plate. "She'll have to eat more, you know, Bowl Cut. Until she delivers. She'll have to get nutrition from both sources."

"It's killing her," Ui manages. Saving her, and killing her.

"You think we haven't struggled with it at all?" Karren asks, taking the plate. "Or do you really think you're the only one who thinks about ethics?"


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

Hairu wakes up to the taste of metal in her mouth. No, not metal. Blood. She keeps her eyes closed, remembering the Garden, the sludge they were forced to drink.

Melon Bun kicks her. Hairu reaches her arm down. Is it okay? To do this? For her child?

Ui knows she's a monster now. Tears burn against her eyelids. Melon Bun's the only reason he's sticking with her. But he shouldn't be.

Hairu cracks her eyes open. Dull winter afternoon sunlight filters through the gauzy curtains. Ui sits on the floor, head lolling back against the wall. His mouth hangs open, a drop of drool escaping and dribbling down his chin. His eyes flutter. He opens them. He sees her.

Hairu slams her eyes shut again.  _I ate human flesh. Like raw human flesh that I can't pretend was anything else._

 _I'm the worst investigator there ever was_. Except for perhaps Furuta.

"Hairu." He says her name. His footsteps creak on the wooden floor. He's above her.

Nausea slings through her. Hairu can't stand it. She rolls onto her side and vomits.

Ui doesn't even swear. He grabs her hair, holds her upright. When she's done, he grabs a towel and cleans it up.

"I'll get you something." He exits. The door closes. She's alone.

" _Arima-san smiled at me!" Hairu remembers singing as she skipped into the dormitory._

" _You're a fucking liar," Furuta told her. "Why would he smile at you? You're a complete airhead."_

" _She's talented," said another girl. "But she's not special. Not to anyone. It's better than having the reason you're known as special being that your best friend is a_ ghoul _, though." That barb was aimed at Furuta._

I'm not special. _Hairu stared at her hands. Roses reeked. She went outside to hide herself among them again, prick her finger on the thorns, wipe her tears with the petals. Even if they didn't believe her, he smiled at her and she knew it._ I'll be special. I'll prove myself yet.

The door groans as it opens again. Hairu forces herself to sit up this time. Not an easy task, with Melon Bun weighing her down.

Ui's carrying another plate. Hairu shakes her head even as nausea undulates.

"It'll help," he says. "For our—"

"Oh, so now you think our baby's life has value?" Hairu bursts out. "Ghouls. Koori, we're—"  _I didn't want to be born like this; what right do I have to curse my own child like this?_

_I love Melon Bun._

That's why she wants the baby. Hairu wraps her arms around her stomach and doubles over.

"Here," says Ui. "Hairu. I'll eat it with you."

 _Huh?_  Hairu looks up at him.

Ui cuts off a forkful and looks at it, lips curling. He puts a bite in his mouth.

"Stop it!" Hairu shouts.

Ui chews. Hairu leans forward, grabbing the plate. She throws it in his face.

"Ow!"

"Don't do that to yourself!" Hairu shouts. "Don't you dare, Ui Koori, you—"  _You're better than that. You're better than me._  "You're too good for that."

Ui's face, smeared in blood, crumbles. "Hairu—"

"How is Arima?" she asks, because she knows this will upset him.

"Fine," Ui says, voice tightening. "Do you want me to ask him to visit you?"

"No." She doesn't know what she wants.

No, she does. She wants to be human.

And she felt most human when she was with him. She gags again.

"Hairu, please," Ui begs.

She's too upset right now. She can't let him see her eating. "Fine. But get out."

* * *

"Um," says Hirako when Ui emerges, blood staining his shirt and his face. "I take it it didn't go so well?"

Ui shakes his head. His shoulders tremble.  _What am I going to do?_ "How long have you known?"

Hirako draws in his breath. "Not that long. Only a few months."

"I see." Ui hangs his head.  _Why didn't he tell me?_  Did Arima have so little faith in Ui? Did he think his love for Hairu was conditional?

"He's recovered," Hirako says. "But doesn't really want to see anybody. That green ghoul is also going to be okay, according to Banjou. Sasaki—Kaneki—is sleeping."

_I'm working with ghouls. I'm a traitor._

Shio appears with Karren. Karren lets out a snort when she sees Ui's face. "I like Ihei."

Ui scowls.

"I'll ask Shuu about cooking meat," Karren offers. "Maybe it'll help. Touka suggested putting it in a blender too—"

"A blender?" Ui's eyes bulge. He can only imagine himself holding out a frothing cup of juiced innards to Hairu.  _Drink up_.

"Don't blame me. It's up to you what to do." Karren shrugs.

"Can we talk to her?" asks Shio. "Maybe we can help.  _Yusa! Rikai!_  Get up here!"

Ui gulps. At this point he's not sure what will help. He's scared. "You can try." He has half a mind to wrench Arima's door open and drag him kicking and screaming into Hairu's room. If it will make her smile, he'll accept it.  _Live, you have to live._

_I love you._

An idea forms in his mind. Shio, Yusa, and Rikai race into her room, and Ui turns to ask Hirako for a favor. Within an hour Hirako returns back with a bouquet of too-expensive flowers, teeth chattering and stomping snow off his boots. Ui takes the flowers and jogs up to her room. He raps on the door.

Laughter echoes. Ui hesitates. He pushes it open. Shio sits cross-legged on Hairu's bed, pantomiming a fight. His voice rises with excitement. Rikai huddles on the floor, Yusa leaning against the wall next to him.

"Hello," says Ui, holding out the flowers. Roses and lilies and carnations. He sets them on the windowsill. "I hope you like them."

"You haven't washed your face," Shio informs him.

"I'm aware." The filth seems fitting. Ui doesn't know how to feel clean.

"Can you leave us for now?" Hairu requests of the kids. They nod, scrambling out.

"They seem to be—doing well," Ui offers.

"For having seen two of their friends cut down yesterday," Hairu says bitterly.

Ui shifts the bouquet closer to her. The sweet scent wafts through the air. "I don't care," he says.

Hairu's brows draw together. She grips the blue coverlet. "You—"

"About you," Ui says. Dammit, that sounds all wrong! "I mean, I care about you! I don't care about what—Furuta said. I don't care. I don't care what you have to do, Hairu, I care about you, I care about Melon Bun, I—I love—I need you to be okay; I can't lose you." He eases himself onto the bed next to her. "Please believe me."

Tears fill her eyes. "Koori… you were always about ethics, what are the ethics in—"

"I love you," he repeats.  _There's your answer_. "Please eat."

"It tastes terrible."

Ui manages a snort. "I'll send Hirako to get melon buns if you just eat some more. You have to be able to keep them down. And water down. For Melon Bun." He presses his face close to hers.

She presses her lips against his cheek, tongue brushing the blood off it. "If you wash your face."

"Deal." Ui gets up. "I'll be—right back."

He returns to find her asleep. Ui sighs and sits in the kitchen, watching Karren cook meat. The ghoul taunts him, and Ui hates himself. _Am I doing the right thing? The wrong thing?_

 _I can't let her die._  As the sky darkens he takes the somewhat blackened meat upstairs. He dumped salt on it. She's awake, now. "Here you go."

Hairu winces and pushes herself up again.

"We'll talk—more—later," Ui adds.  _Right now I just want to be with you. I'm not going anywhere._

Hairu shifts. She reaches for the fork and swallows. "Karren said the heartbeat sounds good."

"Good." Ui's relieved.

Hairu eats, and she doesn't say much. Her fingers run across the blanket. He wants her bubbly personality back.  _It's my fault._

And then she gasps, jerking forward. The plate falls to the floor.

"Hairu?"

She flings the blanket back, and Ui sees water mingling with the bloodstains from her earlier outburst. Water, streaming from Hairu. She looks up at Ui, eyes terrified.

_Oh my God._

* * *

"Get help!" Hairu screeches, shoving him. She's not in pain, not yet. But she's terrified. Panic courses through her, and adrenaline, like she feels right before a fight. Her teeth clack together. "Koori—"

Ui scrambles out the door.  _"Hey! Someone!"_ she can hear him yelling.

The door bursts open, and Hairu yanks the sopping blanket back up. Hirako gapes at her.

"The baby's  _coming?"_ gasps Shio's voice. "I'm so excited!"

Karren and Ui worm their way into the room, and Sasaki—Kaneki.

"We have to get her to a hospital," Ui says.

Karren lets out a barking laugh. "Are you insane? You think the CCG won't find you?"

"But—if there's a complication—" Ui wrings his hands.

"We could make it simple," Karren says. "Everyone holds her down and I take the baby out with my kagune. Banjou will come to heal her."

Ui grabs Karren by the throat. "No fucking chance!"

"Okay, okay, Bowl Cut!" Karren throws her hands in the air. Her rinkaku emerges.

"You all suck!" Hairu shouts. " _I'm_  the one about to go into labor!"

Ui looks as if he's about to burst into tears. He releases Karren and clutches his hair. "Hairu—"

"How do you think we were born?" Karren demands of Ui. "All of us? Hospitals wouldn't take us. We couldn't take that risk. No one wants to meet their child and then lose it. We were fine. She'll be fine."

"Do you have any medical training?" asks Sasaki.

"I can google it."

"Christ!" Ui slaps his forehead.

"Shut  _up!"_  Hairu bellows. "I'm not—even in pain yet! Okay?" She looks to Karren. "What does Google say about how long I have until I have to be in pain or you have to use—that kagune?"

"I'll—"

"Twelve to twenty-four hours," Ui reports. "I've—already read about all of the possibilities."

"Of course you have." Hairu shifts again. She's shaking. "I'm scared."

Ui immediately drops down next to her. He presses her head against his chest. She can hear his heartbeat, beating softly.

A throat clears. Hairu peeks out. Arima and Eto stand there, both alive, but not looking at one another.

"It's early," Ui mumbles.

_You're scared too._

"Only a month," says Karren. "And the kid's part ghoul. He or she will be strong."

Hairu thinks of the cradle and the stuffed tiger and the diapers and everything Ui had set up neatly in his apartment. Their apartment. They'll never get to use those. Instead they're in a small room rapidly darkening thanks to dusk, and she's lying in a musty old bed with a soaked blanket and a ratty carpet over a hardwood floor. The only beautiful thing in it is the flowers Koori bought her.

Arima's gaze focuses on the flowers too.

 _Don't you dare die_ , Hairu thinks.  _Fuck you._

"You should try to rest before the contractions start," Karren warns her.

Hairu nods. She can't panic now. She has to have her baby.

 _Melon Bun_.

* * *

Ui wakes up around midnight to Hairu slapping his head. He's sleeping on the floor. Well, sort of sleeping. Really he dozed for a few moments before he dreamed that she bled out in childbirth and he woke up and almost threw up. He just got her back. Again. What if the third time's too many?

"I'm having contractions," she tells him, face crunched in pain.

Ui leaps up. "How long?"

"The past two hours." Hairu leans back against the wall, breathing deeply. Ui nods. He scrambles out of the room, down the stairs. They still need to talk—ghoul—human—he doesn't even know—but not now. Karren slumbers on the couch, and he throws his shoe at her.

"Hey!" Karren sits up, glowering at him.

"She's in labor," he reports.

Karren swears, scrambling to her feet and hopping after him. But he's helpless. There's nothing Ui can do except hold her hand, support her, wipe her forehead. But labor's long, and as it goes on, it gets more intense. Hairu writhes, back arching as she struggles not to scream. Her face turns white and she looks like a corpse. She vomits. He tries to comfort her, hold her, massage her shoulders and the muscles around her spine, but nothing helps, nothing works, he can't get it to stop.

"Koori," Hairu says, gripping his hand so hard it feels like the bones are about to snap in half around three in the morning. "I don't know—if I can—do this—" Her chest heaves.

 _Don't die._ He's so afraid for her. But he can't show that. "You can," he tells her. "I'm—sorry—"  _It's all my fault. Why did I ever sleep with her? This is terrible. She's in so much pain why didn't I wear a condom what kind of horrible person am I am I actually thinking it'd be better without my baby I'm the worst I'm the worst I'm the worst._

"How much longer?" Hairu cries out. She doubles over, trembling as if the pain's going to break her.

"I can't measure because I don't have the tools, but you're about halfway dilated, if I had to guess," says Karren.

"Shit," Hairu curses.

Karren leaves the room. Hairu can't look at him. She shakes from foot to head. Tears run down her face. The room reeks of blood, and Ui's sweating through his 0 Squad coat. "You can scream if you want to," he tells her, heart thumping. "It wouldn't make you weak."

"Koori," she tries again. "I'm—scared, I can't—God, it hurts—I'm so scared, I'm so scared, I'm so scared—I don't want to die—"

"You won't," Ui insists.  _You can't._

_Please. Please._

"You won't," Karren affirms, returning. "Banjou's here if things get dangerous. I told him to stay downstairs until then."

Hairu's face twists. She lets out a scream that will surely wake everyone up. It hurts to hear. She's screaming in pain because she's going to have his child. Blood dribbles down her chin and Ui realizes she's bit her lip so hard she broke the skin.

The light outside turns scarlet. Ui wonders about his parents, if they've been informed about his defection, if they know that they are about to become grandparents.

Hairu moans. Her hand grips his. Her head falls back. Veins pop in her throat and tears stream down her face. "It's too much. I can't do it—I can't—"

"You'll be okay, Ihei," Karren says softly.

 _Ghouls are—trying to help us? Not eating us?_  Ui's never felt so useless in his life. He turns away from her stomach, pressing his forehead against hers, gripping, gripping her hands. He squeezes his eyes shut. Hairu screams, and his eyes fly open. He grips her face. "Look at me!"

The stench of blood grows stronger. Ui tenses his shoulders, forcing himself to focus on her, on her green eyes. Agony tears at her face.

A knock on the door. Karren answers. Ui can't turn away from her. "That was Eto."

"What does— _she_ —want?" Hairu pants.

Karren hands over a rag, tied in a long knot. "Bite down if you need to."

"I'm—so sorry, Hairu," Ui chokes out. If they were in a hospital, she wouldn't be afraid. If they were in a hospital, everything would be fine.

Hairu bites onto it, white teeth against a beige rag. Spittle dribbles down her chin. Ui wipes it away.  _I'm never having sex again._

"You hate me," Hairu gasps out. "Because I'm a—"

 _God no!_  Ui gapes at her. He shakes his head. "I don't!"

"I mean, I would hate  _him_  if I were you," says Karren. "For putting this baby in you."

Hairu glares at her. "It's worth it for—Melon Bun—" She bites down again. Ui can only hold onto her. He feels sick.  _What have I done?_

Hairu gags again. Ui grabs the trash bin and shoves it under her. She retches, and the rag gets covered in the mess. Ui shoves it to the side. "Scream. Fuck them. I don't care if you're screaming."

Bags hang under her eyes. She pants. "I couldn't do it," Ui says.

"If you're not going to be helpful, Bowl Cut, I will turn you into curry!" Karren snaps. "That'd be more help!"

"Stop!" Hairu yells.

Ui shakes his head. "It's not—that's not what I meant, Hairu, I meant—you're strong. You're brave."  _I'm so scared._  He trembles as he massages her scalp. She quiets for a moment, looking up at him with huge eyes.

"Actually," says Karren after another half hour. "I think you're close, Ihei. I can see the head."

"What?" Ui jumps. Panic shoots through him.  _Could this be over soon?_

"Ihei, push," says Karren. "Bowl Cut, help her, or I'm going to hurt you."

Ui supports her as she bears down. He doesn't know what to say, so he just meets Hairu's eyes.  _You're amazing_.

"Get over here," says Karren. "Bowl Cut. I'm going to need your help. Ihei, push again!"

Ui gets to his feet. Hairu screams again. "With what?"

"Catching your baby, idiot. Push, Ihei."

"I think we're a little too close to use surnames right now," Hairu rasps, before another cry strangles her voice.

Ui doesn't laugh, but Karren does, of course. At least Hairu's joking. But there's so much blood, and he doesn't even know if it's normal or not. His nightmare surges in his mind. If she dies—

Karren grabs his shoulder. Ui looks up at her. "She's going to be fine," Karren says.

Ui swallows.

"One more," Karren urges. Ui gets ready, and then he hears another scream, higher-pitched than Hairu's.

A baby's, and an infant boy writhes in his hands.

Hairu sucks in her breath.

Karren ties off the umbilical cord and cuts it. Ui stays kneeling, Hairu's blood dripping through his fingers. The baby bawls. Karren hands Ui a blanket. "For your son."

_My son?_

"Huh?" rasps Hairu.

Ui gazes down at the twitching baby in his arms. A tuft of light colored hair—pink, probably—is matted to his scalp. The baby's sobbing, face red.

"Let me see, Koori!"

Ui crouches down and places their son on her chest. Hairu's still hyperventilating from pain, but she reaches out her hand, and the baby wraps his fist around her finger. He has tiny fingers and long lashes, a small chin and the shape of his eyes—they're almond like Hairu's.

"Placenta's out, and you're not bleeding all that much," Karren says. "You'll be fine. Told you so, Bowl Cut."

"You're crying," Hairu says, and he almost points out that of course the baby's crying, he was just born, he came out into the world and it's scary and there are all these sights and sounds and smells for him to experience, and air, breathing, and humans—ghouls—but then he realizes his cheeks are sticky, and his own breaths ragged.

"Aw, Koori," she whispers.

He wipes his eyes and leans his head down to press it against Hairu's.  _You're a ghoul._

_You just had my baby._

Their son cries from Hairu's chest, and Ui reaches down to cup the child's head.  _I'll protect you._

_No one will hurt you._

_I love you._

_We're going to be okay._

He looks up to see Hairu covered with a blanket, and the doorway crowded with people. Shio claps his hands and jumps up and down, Rikai looks pale, and Yusa's  laughing, Sasaki stands with his jaw open, Eto crosses her arms, Hirako smiles, and Arima—Arima wipes at his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look, some adorable fluff for now. Up next: Ui and Hairu finally talk about what Furuta said.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

Ui cradles his son to his chest. The baby's asleep now, and so is Hairu, hopefully. Banjou said she needed to rest. And Ui's sitting out on this small stiff couch, his son tiny and clean and alive in his arms. The sun scrapes its way across the day, and Ui knows he'll—they'll—have long been branded deserters and fugitives. He wonders what everyone on Rushima thinks of him for abandoning them. Shame presses down on him.

" _Bonjour!"_ The door slams open. Ui jumps up. The baby starts to fuss. Tsukiyama Shuu spots him. His eyes narrow.

"Shuu!" Karren races over.

"You!" Tsukiyama glowers at Ui. "I owe you for—"

"Shuu, he just had a kid."

"Karren, I think Ihei had the kid."

Ui's heart thumps.

"Mr. Special Class Ui Koori is fine with living with ghouls?" taunts Tsukiyama, kakugans blazing even as he lets Karren pull him back. "So he didn't really believe in it when he slaughtered my household. Was it just fun to murder them?"

"I did!" Ui snaps, rocking the baby. _Shh. It'll be okay._

 _I_ do _believe it._

_Do I?_

This infant is a quarter-ghoul. The baby gurgles and looks into Ui's eyes. He quiets, and Ui lowers himself back onto the couch.

"So do I need to be worried?" asks Tsukiyama. "You know, you care about Ihei, but I cared about Matsumae and Mairo and all of those people you slaughtered like animals. You would have killed Karren if you had the chance, wouldn't you have?" He looms over Ui, and if Ui didn't have his son in his arms he would kick Tsukiyama across the room. "You don't care about ethics. You care about yourself."

"That's not true!"

"I delivered the baby," Karren cuts in. Distracting them.

Tsukiyama's jaw drops. "Have I ever told you you're amazing?"

Karren blinks, suddenly looking small. Ui lets out his breath.

Hirako comes out into the living room, eyes wide and jaw set as if he might need to intervene. Tsukiyama just nods at him, and Hirako takes a seat beside Ui. "So. You're a father."

Ui nods. _I have a child._

_Who is a quarter-ghoul._

He can't comprehend it. His son looks like an angel, not a monster. He's warm against Ui, and his nose is tiny. _My parents are going to love this._ He could almost laugh. If he thought he'd disappointed them before, that was nothing compared to now.

"He's handsome," Hirako comments, looking down at the baby.

 _Do you want to hold him?_ Ui's not ready to hand him over. He nods. "He looks like Hairu."

"I think he looks like you."

"Both of us," Ui says, swallowing. Karren and Tsukiyama leave the room. A clock ticks in the corner. "How were you... just fine with it?" _Why didn't Arima tell me? Why wasn't I enough?_

"I had to be," Hirako says. "He's Arima."

Ui just looks at him. _That's not enough._

_And that's why, isn't it?_

"He just wasn't supposed to have survived," Hirako says.

"And you were fine with him dying?" _I never would have been._ No matter how angry Ui is at his mentor. _Never_.

Hirako opens his mouth and closes it. A floorboard creaks as Arima enters the room, hands clasped. He looks at Ui and the baby.

"Right." Hirako gets to his feet. His hand grips Ui's shoulder. "Congratulations."

Ui nods, and then Hirako leaves, and Arima takes a seat in an uncomfortable-looking wooden chair, and Ui focuses on his son's plump cheeks because he can't be mad when he looks at this kind of perfection.

"Ui," Arima says quietly.

"It's true," Ui says. "About—your heritage. And hers." _And my son's._

"We're all Washuus," Arima admits. "Tsuneyoshi is my father. Yoshitoki, my brother."

Ui's breath cuts his throat. He coughs. The baby stirs.

"We were—bred," Arima says, gripping his knees. He won't look at Ui. "They wanted to created an Eto. A half-ghoul. They created us instead. We were failures. Everyone at the Sunlit Garden—we're all half-humans."

"Hsiao?" Ui asks, remembering that new Quinx. "Shio? Yusa? Rikai?"

Arima nods. "Furuta, too, though apparently he's... apparently received an upgrade. The Washuus are ghouls. Eto's book—it's not entirely fiction."

Tick. Tock. "And you wanted to die."

"To start a revolution."

"You're a coward," Ui says.

Arima looks at him, jaw falling open.

"You didn't tell me," Ui says. "And you lied to me—you told me Hairu was dead—do you have any idea what it's like to think the person you love so much you'd sell your soul to save has been brutally murdered? No, you don't, because you've never let yourself care for people like that." His voice shakes. "You've been too focused on killing." _And you, unlike Hairu, you wanted to help ghouls, so you knew it was wrong._

_You never had any ethics, did you?_

Arima bows his head.

 _You can't even deny it._ Sunlight, tinted deep gold, pours in through the window and warms Ui's neck. "She's braver than you. She cares. She cares about—me, and about you."

"I wouldn't deny that," Arima says.

"She did all this for you," Ui snaps. His son turns his face closer to Ui. "She broke into Cochlea—allied herself with ghouls—to save that witch for _you_." His heart throbs. "All she's ever wanted to do is make you happy. And you never so much as praised her. You just told her to do more and more and more like she wasn't enough, when she's _always_ been more than enough."

Arima swallows. He lifts his head and focuses on the baby. "He's beautiful, Ui."

Ui looks down at his son. He nods. _I'm not a Special Class anymore._ _I'm not an investigator anymore._ _Sorry, Mom and Dad._ But for her...

Arima rises. "You know," he says. "Hairu called me a coward too."

Ui frowns, but Arima's strode out of the room, and then there's titters and muffled arguing, and Shio breaks into the room, running over with Rikai on his heels. "Can I see him again? Can I hold him? We're cousins!"

"Careful," Ui warns, drawing back. He's not sure he trusts Shio to hold him.

Shio peers at the baby, hands clapping over his mouth. "Oh, he's so cute!"

"He looks like a prune," says Yusa. Rikai steps on his toes. "Dammit, Rikai!"

"Don't swear in front of my baby cousin!" Shio proclaims, shaking his finger at Yusa.

"Arima told you, didn't he?" asks Rikai, voice soft. "That we're—I mean—what we are—where we come from."

"Our humanity won out though," Shio interjects.

"But we're guarding a ghoul king," says Yusa.

Ui's head spins.

"Do you hate us?" Shio asks, peering at him with huge eyes.

"No," Ui says, heart thumping. Whether humanity won out—whether it never mattered at all—he doesn't know. But he doesn't hate them, that he knows.

Shio cheers, and Ui hesitates, and then holds his son out. "Do you want to hold him?"

"He'll drop him," says Yusa.

"I won't!"

"Support his head," Ui instructs, handing the baby over even as his heart thumps. "Like that. Good, Shio."

* * *

Hairu wakes up with indigo and midnight blue spilling over the sky outside. She props herself up. _My son—_

"You're awake," Karren says in relief.

"Where's my son?" Hairu demands. "Where's—where's—Koori?"

"I'll get them. They're both okay, Hairu." Karren turns towards the door.

"Karren?" Hairu rasps.

Karren turns to face her. Shadows cover her face. _Rose_.

"Thank you."

Karren tilts her head, and some of the light illuminates her chin. She smiles.

And then she leaves, and Ui enters, carrying a small bundle. Karren shuts the door behind them.

"My baby!" Hairu reaches for him. Ui lays their son in her arms—he has pink hair, and he's asleep. Tears fill her eyes.

 _We're on the run._ From ghouls. From the CCG. _We were supposed to make the world safer, and we've made your world more dangerous. I'm so sorry._

The baby starts to cry in her arms, and Hairu rocks him. His wails grow more intense, so she pulls down her shirt. The baby latches on, and she winces. _No one told me this hurts._

Ui hasn't said a word. Hairu can't look at him.

"What do you want to name him?" Ui asks finally. He takes a seat on the edge of her bed.

Hairu swallows. She forces a grin. "Melon Bun."

"Hairu, we can't name our kid Melon Bun."

"It's what I'm going to call him," she sings, because jokes and fluff will protect her.

"Fine, you get to nickname him that. But he has to have a proper name." Ui sucks in his breath, tightening his grip on his knees. "If you wanted _Kishou_ , I—"

 _You'd blow a gasket._ "I was thinking Masanori," Hairu interrupts, turning to look at him. _Model of justice. For you._

_"It's perfect for Special Class Bowl Cut," Saiko suggested._

Ui's eyes widen. His breath catches, and he nods. "I—it's perfect."

"Yonebayashi suggested it," she admits. She focuses on her son— _Masanori_.

They'll never see Saiko again, will they?

"Arima's okay," Ui says. "So is Eto."

Her heart picks up pace.

"Hairu." Ui reaches out, grasping her chin and turning her face to face his. "We talked—about the Garden. A bit. He told me about the breeding programs."

Hairu gulps. She clings to her baby.

"He told me you were a failed half-ghoul."

She shakes her head. "I don't want to be a ghoul."

"Then you don't have to be," Uiu says eagerly.

"Koori, I ate flesh to keep Melon Bun alive." _Does loving my baby make me a ghoul?_

Ui looks as if he's about to crack in half from agony. "You didn't have a choice!"

Tears spill down her cheeks. _Do they?_ "I don't want to be a monster—Masanori—he's too good to be—"

Ui shakes his head. "You're _not."_

"I lied to you. A lot."

"I'm aware." He sighs.

"And you're not happy."

"Would you be?"

She shakes her head.

"I don't want you to lie to me again," Ui says. He rubs his eyes. "Hairu, I want—you to be honest with me. I want you to tell me things. We have nothing else right now."

 _Nothing else?_ "You don't want to leave me?"

" _No!"_ He curls his lips back as if she suggested blasphemy.

The baby whimpers. Hairu kisses his forehead. _This is why, isn't it?_ Melon Bun. Masanori. Not her.

"I still love you," Ui says.

 _Still_. It bruises. She can't look at him. "If he wasn't here, would you?"

"Pardon?"

Hairu turns to meet his gaze, and God, it hurts. Shadows cross his face. "If we didn't have a kid, would you still be here? Or would you think I'm a monster?"

Ui curls his fists. He turns away from her, shoulders hunching, and her heart drops. "I don't think you're a monster because I _know_ you!"

Melon Bun cries. Hairu rubs his back.

"Sorry," Ui whispers, facing her again. He reaches for her face. "Hairu, I know you're not a monster because—you're—you, and I—I love—"

"I love you," she says, and it's a plea. "I do love you, Ui Koori." She's never said it before.

His mouth opens slightly. He nods, swallowing. His hand latches onto hers, and his other arm wraps around her, pulling her close. He kisses the top of her forehead.

 _Ghoul and all._ Hairu clings to him. There's something else she has to tell him. Masanori lets go of her breast, snoozing again. "Koori, we don't live long lives."

"We'll keep running," he promises her. "We'll—"

"No, you don't understand," Hairu interrupts, pulling back. "Genetically—half a ghoul, half a human—we're failures because of it. We age rapidly. Arima's almost blind from glaucoma. His hair's white—we can't live long lives. I'm going to die young. Masanori—I don't know precisely, but it'll probably be young too—hopefully longer than mine—" She looks at their son, at his beautiful face, and a sob wracks her chest. _I can't stand that thought. You can't die. You're too good._

Ui gapes at her, shaking his head. "You can't—that can't—"

"I'm going to die," she repeats, panic scrabbling up her throat. "I'm going to—we're going to—"

"I won't let you!" he shouts. His face turns pale. His eyes bulge.

"How?" she demands. "There's nothing you can do, Koori."

Ui sucks in his breath. He doubles over, head between his knees. Hairu cries. She wants to live.

Ui lifts his head. His eyes glisten. "I won't let it happen," he repeats. "I won't let it happen. I won't."

"What if it does?" Hairu asks, voice cracking. "You're not in charge of life or death, Koori."

"I don't care." His lips tremble. He looks as if he's struggling not to scream. In pain. Because he doesn't want her to die.

Her entire life, she just wanted people to admire her accomplishments when she was gone. She never even hoped that someone would miss her. That someone would want her around just for being her. "But what will you do _if_ it happens?" _Don't you dare pull an Arima._

"Don't ask me that!"

"What will you do?" she cries again. "Tell me!"

Ui covers his face. His shoulders shake. "Do you remember that awful drama you made me watch? _Kamisama, Mou Sukoshi Dake?"_ His voice comes out muffled.

"It's not awful!" Hairu argues.

He lifts his hands away from his face and looks at her, expression wry. "It's a melodrama."

"It's beautiful!"

Ui rolls his eyes. "Remember the bridge scene?"

Hairu frowns.

"If you have to die, then die in my arms." Ui's voice cracks. "If you have to die, I'll hold you in my arms and send you off. Don't think of dying alone."

Hairu's jaw drops. _You really do love me._

 _And I don't have to earn it._ She swallows. "Okay."

Ui lowers his lips to hers. "I'll save you," he whispers. "I promise. We won't get to that point."

Hairu doesn't know how to hope. "But if we do, you'll be here? For me and Masanori?"

Ui nods. "You fought Furuta."

"I sent Karren to get you—they were going to kill us." Hairu traces her shoulder, all healed. "They sent an assassin to your place—I can't stand the thought of you dying either."

Ui eases himself onto the bed next to her, wrapping one arm around her. She leans her head against his shoulder. They say nothing for minutes, just listening to their son breathe. "What was the Garden like?" he finally asks.

Hairu bites her lips. "You might not want to know."

"I do want to know," Ui says, an edge in his voice.

So Hairu talks. She tells him about the smells of lilies and hyacinths, the way they were woken up, how they were told to prove their humanity, how Arima smiled at her, and it was the only kindness she received. She tells him about what happened when Arima took her to Eto, how she freed Karren from torture and Touka encouraged her to go back to him, how she forced Arima's hand and Yoshitoki agreed to let her try, and he holds her the entire time.

"Masanori isn't going to have a childhood like that," Ui declares, getting up to change the baby. "I promise you, Hairu."

She wants to believe him.

* * *

"He's gone."

Eto stretches her arms out. "Oh."

"I'm sorry," Arima says, voice detached.

"You think I care?" She's surprised she's alive. Even more surprised that he is. She should complain. It's not what they planned. Foiled, by that stupid Bubblegum Princess who had to give Arima a reason to want to keep going.

Arima says nothing.

She does care. She's not surprised Tatara died, or that that blasted Owl did it. She knew vengeance was his shield, but it was one the Owl was always trying to use to shield other people. Like Kaneki Ken, in some ways, he is.

Everyone dies.

 _And yet you're still alive_. She props herself up on her elbows, looking at Arima. "Are you going to end your own life?"

Arima bites his lip. "I want to, but not in this house. There's a baby here."

"So?"

"It seems wrong."

Eto shakes her head. She thinks of Tatara, and his hatred for Houji. They died together, two foils on an opposite side of the war, murdered by the same Owl. _I didn't want you to die, Tatara._ He never smiled around her, and only now does she wonder what it might have been like.

That fucking Bowl Cut—he gives her hope. He knows what Hairu is and still likes her. Loves her, even. Even if that love hardly expands beyond Hairu, it's a start. "We should get out of here, then. Ken can't sit on the throne until you and I are gone."

Arima nods. "I've barely talked to him."

"Good," she says, even though it hurts. She thinks of her own father, being farmed in a lab. _It's what he deserves._ "Where will you go?"

"I should be seen, right?"

He's asking her.

"No," she says. "Let Kaneki proclaim your death. You shouldn't be seen." _You don't have to publically crucify yourself to atone._

"It's not as if I have long anyways," Arima says, voice wistful.

She's seen the way he looks at that baby. _You have your whole life ahead of you._

A short life, but still a life, and she's almost seen him smile. And they hope that all the blood they've sewn will water a better world for Masanori.

"I can't see anymore," Arima confesses. "Barely, that is. You're green, but that's all I can tell from here."

She snorts, sitting up and leaning over her knees. "The world's eyes are opening and you're going blind."

He nods.

"Will you keep writing?" he asks. "In the new world, however long it takes for it to—" He cuts himself off.

"I don't know what stories I have left to tell," Eto says, holding out her hands in front of her. She peers through the space between her fingers, taking in the plain walls, wooden floors.

"Yours," Arima says, and the corners of his mouth turn up.

"It's already over." She has no idea where to go from here. Her anger, burning so long, is ash now. She wants Furuta to be pummeled into the ground, but Kaneki should do that. Not her.

She feels empty.

_Is this how you usually feel, Kishou?_

She thinks of Tatara again, and how he was always there. _I always knew he would die eventually._

_You'll die soon, Kishou._

Eto gets to her feet and reaches for Arima's hand. He doesn't seen her coming and flinches. "Let's go."

"Where?"

"I don't know," Eto says. "But until you die, when you can't see, I'll describe the world to you. I've been told I have a way with words." _Don't die. Not yet._ Lies will work.

Arima's lips part in an actual smile. He shakes his head.

"Don't be a coward," Eto snaps.

He stiffens.

She pulls him out of the room, his hand cold in hers, and then he walks beside her.

* * *

"They're gone?" Ui demands, looking at Hirako. Hairu kneels on the floor, cooing over Masanori, who gurgles as he lies on a blanket.

"Koori, he's looking at me," Hairu squeals, clapping her hands together. "Hirako, look at him!"

"He's cute."

"You didn't even smile at him," Hairu complains.

Hirako sighs. "The notes said they went off to die together."

Ui sucks in his breath. Kaneki leans over, gripping his skull. Hairu looks up, concerned.

"So he wasted it," Ui states. "All that Hairu did for him—" He looks at her.

Her lips curve in a frown, and she blinks her eyes. And then Masanori mewls, and she turns back to their son, scooping him up in her arms and pressing him against her chest. She hums a lullaby, the same one Ui's been singing to Masanori every night.

" _I never heard lullabies before," Hairu said wistfully._

Ui nods and turns to Hairu. Shio leaps up and down behind her, trying to get the baby's attention. "How soon until he can eat melon buns?"

"Months at least, if not longer," Hairu says. Masanori spits up on her. She just giggles. Ui's never seen her so happy before.

"Will he really hurt himself?" asks Shio. "Arima-san."

Kaneki lowers his head. _How are you supposed to lead?_ Ui wants to demand. _Chin up._

"I don't know," Hirako says. "He doesn't have much time left anyways."

Rikai puts their hand on Yusa's shoulder.

Hairu heads up to the room they've been staying in, still humming to Masanori. "He's hungry," she says to Ui. The baby calms down the moment he latches onto her breast.

Ui closes the door. "You aren't even upset?"

Hairu smooths Masanori's pink strands. "I hope he can find some peace," she answers.

Ui nods and sits next to her.

"Are you still jealous?"

"I wasn't jealous!"

"Yes, you were," Hairu teases.

His face burns. Ui glances at her phone. "You have a few missed messages."

Hairu peers at her phone. "Touka. Asking about Sas—Kaneki."

"I think he's bewildered about what to do," Ui says.

Hairu nods. "Koori? What are we going to do?"

Ui looks back at her, at the baby in her arms. His son. _I'll keep you safe. I promised. Masanori will have a good life._

"I have no idea," he admits.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

"She's not getting better," Kaneki says.

 _Mado Akira_. Ui swallows.

"Unlike with Ihei, the RC cells are incompatible with her body."

Ui looks to Hairu, who lowers her head as if she's still ashamed to be a ghoul. No, she's not a ghoul. She's just descended from one. But they're working for the One-Eyed King... Not that they have a choice. Ui doesn't know where else they'd go.

He wishes he could send his parents a picture of Masanori, whom Hairu snuggles in her arms.  _They're so disappointed in me._

"We'll come up with a plan," Kaneki muses, pacing back and forth. Hairu nods. They're allowed to see Akira, small and pale on her cot, unconscious. The Owl glowers at them. Ui steps in front of Hairu and his son.  _If need be, I can still kick your ass._

_We used to work together._

Takizawa looks away from them.

"Nice to see you again," Hairu says coolly.

He glances at her. "So you had that brat. It's yours, Ui?"

"He chased Karren and me when I let her go from Aogiri," Hairu says to Ui.

 _You faced_  him? Ui's jaw drops.

"Out of all the people to have a kid outside of wedlock," Takizawa says. "You would have been at the bottom of the list, Ui."

Ui colors. He's not ashamed of it. He's not. He loves Hairu. She loves him, and they both love their son, the one Hairu still calls Melon Bun.

"You need to wake up, Akira," Hairu says, her voice wobbling. "Koori and I made up. I had the baby, Akira. He's named Masanori and he's chubby and he has my hair and he cries a lot and I want you to meet him."

Akira lies perfectly still on the cot, blond hair long and limp around her. Ui bites his lip. Takizawa's eyes mist over.

_You can cry?_

An artificial half-ghoul, just like Sasaki—Kaneki. But one who decided to be a monster.

But the way Takizawa looks at Akira—desperate, but like he can't bring himself to touch her—it's how Hairu looks at Ui sometimes now that he knows. Like she sees herself as polluted, simply because of whom one of her parents was. And Ui's both grateful to see it, because she isn't pretending, but also feels his stomach clamp every time he sees it, because she shouldn't feel that way. She's not dirty and she's not a monster and there's no part of her that's disgusting. And Takizawa looks at Akira like she's an angel. "She got hurt because of me."

"What a surprise," says Hairu sarcastically.

Takizawa's shoulders hunch. He clearly agrees with Hairu's assessment. Can a monster feel ashamed?

Hairu presses Masanori's hand against Akira's. "Wake up soon."

Ui lowers his head. Takizawa wrings his hands.

_You'd give anything for her._

_Can you be a monster?_

_Could I be a monster?_

If Ui told his own self a few years ago what he'd have done, he'd call himself exactly that.

"She loved both of them," Hairu says when they leave. "Takizawa, and Amon Koutarou. She told me."

Ui swallows. Could she still love someone like Takizawa? He killed Houji, and Tatara. Ui heard him saying that. But the way he looks at her...

They're planning to raid the CCG's laboratory. Ui hasn't decided yet whether he should join Hirako. He doesn't think he can risk harming anyone in the CCG. Ui wakes up in the night to care for Masanori, who cries hysterically. Panic shoots through Ui.

"What's wrong?" he keeps whispering, but he can't figure it out, and the baby won't calm down. He walks down the stairs, pacing around the living area. Soon Shio and the others will wake up, if they haven't already.

"Up pondering life's mysteries?"

Ui turns. Tsukiyama sits there, picking the last scraps of meat off a bone. Ui recoils.

"Coward," Tsukiyama says to him.

"Excuse me?" Ui snaps.

"I don't eat in front of you as per my king's demands," Tsukiyama says. "So don't act like I'm trying to provoke you." He tucks the bone in his pocket. "I'm talking about your hesitation to have anything to do with Goat."

Ui glares at him. Masanori shrieks. "Could you fight against friends?"

"If it's the right thing to do, why are you hesitating?" Tsukiyama demands. He leans his face closer to Ui's. "I think you don't know it's the right thing to do. I think you don't give a shit about ghouls. You're here because you have nowhere else to go, and because of her. And because you feel like you owe us. But you won't sully that 0 Squad coat you still wear fighting on behalf of ghouls, even though your leader was the king of ghouls all this time."

Ui's heart pounds. It means nothing anyways. Arima left. To go off and die or make sweet love to that half-ghoul witch or whatever. Masanori screams. "You're scaring my son!"

"Give him here." Tsukiyama holds out his arms.

"No fucking way!"

Tsukiyama rolls his eyes. He marches over to the couch and drags off a small throw blanket, putting it on the floor. "Lay him down here."

Ui hesitates.

"For Christ's sake!"

Ui finally obeys, laying the squalling infant down. Tsukiyama wraps the blanket around him, tight. "He can't breathe!"

"Chill, Bowl Cut, of course he can!"

The baby's sobs quiet. Ui blinks. "What did you do?"

"It's called swaddling, and I read it on Google because I like my beauty sleep." Tsukiyama scratches the back of his neck.

"Cute," comments another voice. Ui jumps and turns around to see Karren emerging from the shadows. Of all the ghouls Ui's talked to, Karren's the one he feels the least anxious around. Mostly because she delivered Masanori.

" _Ma chère!"_  Tsukiyama proclaims. He passes Masanori off to Ui, who looks down at his son to see the baby's eyelids closing. Damn, so the ghoul might be useful sometimes.

"Is Hairu finally asleep?" Karren asks. "Or did you have to restrain her to get her to sleep?"

Ui's face colors, and he's grateful for the shadows. "She's devoted."

"I understand," Karren says.

"Ui here is still afraid of the ghouls in the dark," Tsukiyama intones.

"Shut up!"

"You killed my family!"

Ui flinches. It wasn't like that. "It was—"

"How would you feel if the woman who basically raised you was butchered?" demands Tsukiyama. "How would you feel if so many people you cared about—all your friends—were killed trying to protect  _you_  because you were a dumbass who couldn't get over the person you loved so you endangered everyone else you loved?"

"I do know what it's like to lose people in part because of your own decisions!" Ui shoots back. "To ghouls! Do you know how many colleagues—"

Masanori bursts into tears again, Ui curses and then curses internally for swearing in front of his son. He rocks the baby back and forth. "Shh, shh." He looks up and meets Tsukiyama's kakugans. "I can't even see my family anymore."

"Karren, get your tiniest violin and play a solo just for him to feel sorry for himself to," says Tsukiyama.

Ui colors. "My family isn't a family of murderers."

"I think you and Ihei both are," Tsukiyama says.

 _No!_  Ui shakes his head. "We're not. We were just trying to do justice!" It's not the wrong thing. It wasn't. He doesn't accept that.

"You care more about her than you do about justice."

Blood thrums between Ui's ears. He gulps. He doesn't. He does.

Is that so wrong?

"But for her," Karren says. "Isn't it worth it?" She looks up at Tsukiyama.

 _Rose._  Ui remembers all the files he's read of what happened to the von Rosewald family in Germany.

"I'm sorry," Tsukiyama says. "I shouldn't have—you—what you went through, Karren—my father and I—we should have been more sympathetic, we shouldn't have kept you as a servant, we—"

"My purpose was to protect you," Karren says, sitting down on the couch and pressing her fists together. "I  _don't mind."_  She looks up at Tsukiyama.

"But you—" Ui's mouth opens and closes.  _You were a lost child._

"You're so much more than that," Tsukiyama snaps. "You're not just a tool to be used."

 _The Tsukiyamas made you into a servant_.  _Even though you were a blood relative._ Ui remembers what Hairu's described of the Garden, of Arima, of what the Washuus created them for.  _Tools_ , Hairu called them.  _Ghouls_.

" _He's going to be loved," Hairu declared earlier that day. "Because he was made from two parents who love each other, right, Koori?"_

_He nodded._

What she was saying seeps into him now.  _You were never wanted._

_And you knew it._

But he wants her. He loves her. He chose her. Ui presses his son close, smelling his sweet clean baby scent.

"I don't mind," Karren says, but her voice cracks.

Tsukiyama steps in front of Ui, kneeling in front of her. He reaches out and takes her chin in his hand. "Yes, you do."

"I shouldn't."

"I'll show you that you should." Tsukiyama leans forward, pressing his forehead against Karren's. His lips close around hers.

 _And I'm out._  Ui slips away. The sounds coming from that room are not fit for Masanori's ears. His stomach undulates. Karren isn't a monster. He can't call her one. And if she isn't, were her parents monsters? Her brothers? Are the Tsukiyamas monsters?  _If they're not..._  Ui can't think about that. He clings to his son. He loves him. Monsters can't love. It's all still okay. All okay. He cracks the door to their own tiny room open and enters, crawling in bed next to Hairu, Masanori asleep—finally—on his chest. She stirs. "He okay?"

"Mm-hm." He doesn't want to trouble her. His thoughts race. He's not getting any sleep for hours, at least.

_"Why would you want to be an investigator?" Father yelled._

_"Because it's the right thing to do!"_ He sees his 0 Squad coat hung up on the wall. And he's afraid. He can't be a murderer. He has to raise his son.  _I'm not. They're ghouls._

She rolls over, pressing her chin against his shoulder as she looks at the baby. "I was worried."

"You need to sleep."

"I just—want him to be—okay." She yawns.

"He will be," Ui says, and he has no idea why he's promising this, but he has to.

Because neither of them know what the hell they're going to do.

He rolls over, listening to Hairu snore. He flexes his fingers.  _What he said wasn't true. It wasn't._

 _I just have no idea what the right thing to do is anymore._ And he feels adrift, unable to give his son any sense of direction. But he can't fail him.

* * *

" _Amon Koutarou?"_  Hairu squeaks, shifting Masanori in her arms.

Yasuhisa Kurona nods. "Takizawa fought him down."

"Is everyone I know a ghoul now?" Ui mumbles to Hairu.

Hairu flinches.

"I didn't mean it like that," he says quickly.

 _It would still be better for you if I wasn't one_. Hairu gulps. Swallowing hurts, especially when she remembers how she lied to Ui.  _I'm a ghoul._

Akira wakes up, and Ui makes to see Amon while Hairu heads to see Akira. The investigator she's always admired, blond and beautiful and intelligent, curls up on her cot, looking at the door with suspicion. Her eyes widen. "Hairu?"

"Hi," Hairu says, shutting the door. "I'm glad you're—awake."

Akira straightens, leaning over and peering at the baby against her chest. "You had the baby. And you're here."

"It's a long story," Hairu admits, sitting on the cot next to her. "His name's Masanori, and he's grown too much in six weeks and I want him to stop and stay Melon Bun forever."

Akira snorts. "He looks like you."

"Really?" Hairu squints. "I think his face is all Koori. He has my hair though." She holds him out. "Want to hold him?"

Akira hesitates. "I—don't know that I'd be good with babies—"

"Here!" Hairu thrusts Masanori into her arms. "Isn't he the cutest baby ever?"

"I was asleep for so long," whispers Akira, gingerly holding Masanori. The baby drools. Akira cringes. Hairu leans over to wipe the drool off his chin. "And you—why are you here? Why is Koori? Ghouls—"

"We don't have anywhere else to go," Hairu says, heart thumping. She doesn't want to tell Akira. She doesn't want to acknowledge it, not to anyone besides Koori because he knows and he doesn't hate her for it, he sees her as human anyways, he reassures her that she's human, more like a human than like a ghoul.

And yet, it was her ghoul blood that gave her the strength to stand up in Cochlea and fire T-Human at Furuta. "Furuta—he's a maniac," Hairu says.

Akira shakes her head. "I don't understand."

 _I don't know what to say_.

"Here." Akira shoves the baby back to her. "I think you should leave." Her voice trembles.

Hairu's jaw drops. "Akira—"

" _Please_."

Hairu leaves in a fog. Maybe Amon or Takizawa should try to talk to her. But she hasn't seen either of them since they returned from the lab.

"Didn't go well?" Sas—Kaneki asks.

She shakes her head and pushes past him to find Ui. She doesn't want Kaneki to see her cry.

But Ui's off somewhere with Amon, and Hairu wants to scream.  _Akira, can't you see—both men whom you love and who love you are here, why does anything else matter?_

"Try the coffee place!" pipes up Shio.

Hairu walks to :re, keeping her face lowered so that no one can see her. If she gets caught, Furuta will have Masanori killed. Or turn them over to V, which will have the same result.

She finds Touka managing the café. When she sees Hairu, Touka smiles.

"Seen Koori?" Hairu asks, easing herself onto a stool.

Touka shakes her head. Hinami slips by and into the backroom, Ayato—Touka's edgelord brother—on her heels. They still barely acknowledge Hairu.

"Akira's upset with me," Hairu blurts out. "She doesn't understand."  _And I won't tell her._

"I want to talk to her," Touka says.

" _You?" But you're Rabbit._

Touka bites her lip. "We have more in common than it'd appear."

Despite being a ghoul, and her being a human.

_I'm both._

_I'm neither._

Hairu looks down at Masanori.  _What are we?_ "Have you gotten the chance to talk to Kaneki yet?"

Touka shakes her head, sliding Hairu a coffee. "On the house. And caffeinated, this time."

"Bless." Hairu sips it. The taste is rich, velvety. Masanori whimpers, but slumbers on. "You were mad at him, weren't you? I mean, you banged his head against the counter."

"For old time's sake." Touka frowns and then sighs, mopping up a spill on the counter. "Yes, I was mad. Not even—I don't know if at him; it wasn't his fault. It was the fault of—everything around us. The world. That's what Amon Koutarou told me. We weren't really given choices."

Arima had a choice. He chose to change Kaneki into Sasaki and Sasaki into the One-Eyed King. And she had a choice, and she chose Masanori.

"Koori was angry with me," Hairu says. "For lying. But he forgave me."

"I don't know what to say to him," Touka says. "Maybe—I'm angry with myself. I don't know how to start a conversation."

 _And maybe you're angry with him_. "Ask him if he's a virgin," Hairu suggests.

Touka lets out a snort. "He'd probably wish for death."

"Would that stop you?"

A smirk spreads across Touka's face. "Not hardly."

"I mean, we all know what you're after," says Hairu. "Same thing I was when I realized Koori liked me. And you know already that you love him."

Touka gulps.

"Let's go shopping," says Hairu. An idea forms in her mind. "Can Yomo cover the shop?"

Touka agrees, and a phone call and an agreement with Karren later, she and Touka head out to a particular shop and both leave with a bag of something special. Hairu suggests black lace for Touka, Touka suggests a look that will make Ui faint. Of course, leaving Masanori with Karren almost kills Hairu. She's tearful.

"I'll bring him back," Karren promises. "And I won't let Shuu eat him."

Hairu's so used to the ghoul's jabs by now she can only nod. She's seen Shuu taking Karren's hand lately, and it makes her smile.

Ui arrives back later that evening, and walks into their room to find Hairu crouched against the wall, wearing the black heels she borrowed from Touka and the fishnets she bought earlier that day. The blouse is a tad more feminine than Hairu usually wears, and her boobs are still larger than normal.

Ui freezes.

"Hi," Hairu chirps.

"What are you doing?" Ui's eyes dart around as if scared out of his mind.

"Karren's watching Masanori, and no, Koori, she won't eat him." Hairu crawls to her feet. She wobbles in the heels and Ui curses, reaching out to catch her. "It's been six weeks."

"Huh?" Ui frowns.

"That's as long as Dr. Google recommends waiting," Hairu says. She pirouettes and almost falls again. "What do you think? Touka and I went shopping."

"You went out? But Hairu—we're wanted—"

She crosses her arms over her chest. "I doubt they're looking for me in a lingerie shop."

Ui presses his lips together.

"Are you really mad at me?" she asks, stepping closer and putting her hands on his chest. "Are you, Ui Koori?"

"I kind of can't be when you look like that," Ui mumbles.

"Like what?" she teases.

He lifts his face. "Beautiful."

Hairu squeals, clapping her hands together. She leaps up and Ui catches her, wrapping her legs around his hips. Her lips delve into his. She kicks her shoes off—damn heels—and tumbles onto the bed, yanking him down with her. He grunts.

"We have to be quiet," Ui ekes out, hovering over her. "Shio—Yusa—Rikai—they're—"

"Oh, pish posh. It's an education," Hairu says.

" _Hairu!"_

"I'm kidding, Bowl Cut." She wriggles out from under him and pushes him down. He doesn't protest. His fingers press against her thighs as he pulls down the fishnets.

"You ought to talk," he says, before she kisses him again like she's trying to drown herself in him, in his humanity, in the fact that he loves her.

"You know what?" Hairu asks, pulling back. Hair falls in front of her eyes. Ui reaches up to push it behind her ears. "This is the first time we're sleeping together since we both said we loved each other."

Ui's eyes widen. He cups the back of her neck and pulls her down over him, lips hungry for hers. She unbuttons his already rumpled vest, tugging his tie off, the one he still wears even though neither of them are investigators anymore. He reaches up to help her out of her blouse. His body's already reacting to hers. She plants her palms against the pillow, next to his face.

"You make me happy," Ui says.

_I do?_

_Even though you gave up your career for me?_

"I love you," she says.

_Please don't think of me as a ghoul._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: Ui and Hairu make a poor life decision.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

"He's gone," says Yasuhisa Kurona, rolling her eyes. "The idiot."

Hairu frowns, bouncing Masanori on her lap. "Where?" Disappointment tugs at her.  _Takizawa, why? Akira just woke up._  She hoped they'd be able to talk to each other. He fought so hard to save her, and now he's just leaving? Then again, she might have left Ui earlier if his life wasn't in danger. And she knows now what a mistake that would have been. She sips her coffee. It tastes bitter. But she's not the same kind of ghoul as Takizawa is. Or became.

Is she?

"Off to be a ghoul, or some other dramatic shit," says Kurona, gulping her coffee. "The CCG also executed Kaneki. Which is a shame, because apparently we're serving a ghost now."

Kaneki certainly looks pale, Hairu can attest to that. Every day he wakes up looking as if he wishes he hadn't.

"They what?" demands Ui, leaning across the table. He slides Hairu a melon bun. She grabs it.  _Sugar_.

"They had an execution, according to the newspapers," Kurona reports. "Beheading."

Hairu's stomach turns. She wants to clap her hands over Masanori's ears.

"What?" Ui clutches his hair as if he's going to tear it out. Which he better not. Hairu likes his hair.

"So much for justice," Kuro says, folding up the newspaper.

"But Takizawa didn't even stick around to talk to Amon or Akira? He was so worried about her," Hairu tries again. It's not right. She wants to smack some sense into Takizawa Seidou.

Kurona shrugs. "He's a good man who won't believe that no matter what."

"He's a ghoul," says Ui.

"Who won't believe it because of people like you and mindsets like yours," Kurona amends, lasering her focus on Ui. He scowls.

Hairu wonders if the mindset at the academy isn't much more forgiving than the Garden. Takizawa seems to hate himself as much as she hates herself. And this life was forced on him, at least at first. She looks at Masanori and thinks she has a reason to hate herself, too. If she cursed her child to this kind of life…

"He also doesn't want to get in the way of Amon and Akira," Kurona says. "Since he loves them."

Hairu thinks of Arima, who left. But he doesn't love her. Or Ui. Or maybe anyone, except Eto.

 _I hope they find some happiness before the end_. Even if it's temporary, like hers will be. Like Masanori's will be. Like Ui's will be, if his is tied up in their lives.  _We're going to die._

Hairu finds Kaneki pacing back and forth in the safe house.  _You're so unprepared for this. Eto, Arima, what were you thinking?_

"Hey, Ihei." He smiles at her.

 _If you really went off to die together, you suck,_  Hairu thinks. Masanori mewls and she lays him down on the couch. He stretches, reaching up for her hair, grasping the strands with plump fists. Kaneki watches, a strange, guarded look on his face.

"Eto," Hairu says, covering her eyes and playing peek-a-boo. "She understands. Better than—probably any of us—Masanori—she and Arima know more about the Garden. They know about—about how long—about what we can do—" Her breath catches in her throat.  _I need to talk to them. If there's any hope._

"I'm sorry," Kaneki whispers, seemingly genuine. His hand rests on her shoulder.

"Is it wrong to give birth to a child knowing it's going to die far too young? And it'll be persecuted in the meantime?" Hairu cranes her neck, looking up at Kaneki. "And I—I wish I was fully human. I wish Masanori was too, and I—that makes me a terrible mother, doesn't it?"

Kaneki's jaw works. He shakes his head like he doesn't know what to say.

Hairu reaches down and pinches Masanori's cheeks. His lips pull back into—is that a smile? Hairu claps her hands to her face.

"I think," Kaneki says. "I had—a friend once."

Hairu snorts. "You have a lot of friends, Kaneki Ken."

He shakes his head, sending off an aura of loneliness that reminds Hairu of Arima. She frowns. "He said it was better to live," Kaneki says. "Even if you don't have a reason. Even if it's not stylish.  _Live_." For once some conviction enters Kaneki's voice, and he sounds different. Unlike Sasaki, too.

Hairu swallows. "I hope so."

"Eto," Kaneki says. "Touka and I worked for her father. Nishiki too."

_"What?"_

* * *

Ui comes back to find Hairu hovering as Shio, Yusa, and Rikai take turns holding Masanori. Her eyes look bright.

"Are you okay?" Ui asks.

She shakes her head and hesitates.

"Yusa, you're in charge," Ui says, grasping Hairu's elbow and hauling her out of the room before she can protest. "Did something happen?"

She shakes her head. "Kaneki just—told me some things about Eto. How her parents had her."

Ui frowns. He doesn't understand.

"V—the organization that bred us—they made him kill her mother." Hairu looks up at Ui, terror on her features. "Ui—what if—they might have tried to make me—I wouldn't have but—"

"It didn't happen," Ui cuts in. "We're safe." He knows she wouldn't have done it. His knuckle brushes her cheek.

Hairu clamps her hand over her mouth. "No, we're not. We're never going to be safe, you know that, right? Because we're both—we're wanted. We're—being with me has—"

"Don't you dare make it sound as if I might regret it," Ui cuts in. "Because I don't. I never would, Hairu. I don't regret it."  _I can't regret you._  He just misses knowing what he fights for. But she's here, her pink bob and goofy smile, and their son is in the next room. "I'll fight for you," he says. Because to him, that's justice. That's the right thing to do.

Her. Their son.

* * *

The next day, Akira stops by. Ui leaps to his feet at seeing her on hers, blond hair dangling and her hand interlaced with Amon Koutarou's.

Amon lowers his gaze when he sees Ui. No doubt he knows Ui's heard about his kakuja, about being a ghoul.  _And you're ashamed of it._

And he knows about Hairu. Amon's eyes meet hers, and she smiles. "Akira—"

"Kirishima and Fueguchi spoke to me," Akira interrupts. "I—she hugged me. Fueguchi."

Ui's eyebrows shoot up.  _Damn_.

Amon smiles softly.

"We're getting out of here," Akira says. "Going—"

"Where?" Ui demands.

Amon lifts his shoulders. "We don't know yet."

"We just want to be—together," Akira says. "And away from all this—chaos. It's too noisy to think straight, with everything that's happening. I have—a lot to—think about." She looks at Amon.

"I understand," Ui says.

"Thanks for talking to me, Hairu," Akira says.

She nods, and she looks at Ui, and he sees it in her eyes.

Jealousy.

She wants to run, too.

_What's the right thing to do?_

_What will keep Masanori and Hairu safe?_

"You could come with us," Akira offers. "If you want."

Ui remembers the promise he made Hairu before Rushima. Not to die. To come back to her.

* * *

"I understand," Karren says stiffly.

"You're so fucking lucky," Tsukiyama snorts.

"Excuse me?" Ui demands.

Tsukiyama gestures at Hairu, rocking Masanori back and forth. "We've been over this. You have a family that isn't dead yet."

"It's not like that!" Ui shoots back. "We have no choice—I can't risk their lives. If you had a kid, you'd understand."

"Maybe." Tsukiyama rolls his eyes. "What do you think my dad did? You arrested him, or don't you recall? Or what do you think Touka's parents did before your precious Arima slaughtered them? Your Amon killed the Fueguchis, and Ryouko was just trying to protect her daughter." He steps closer. "You get to pass. We don't."

Ui swallows. "I'm sorry." He still can't risk Masanori's life. Or Hairu's. And he can't die and leave them.

Hairu scowls. "If you had the chance to run, are you telling me you wouldn't take it?"

"I can't even imagine what that would be like," Tsukiyama says, gesturing to Karren. "She had them follow her from Germany to Tokyo. It's my life. It's all we know."

Hairu lowers her gaze.

When they leave, Ui feels smaller than an ant.

* * *

Hairu barely got to say goodbye to Touka. She hopes Touka's able to talk to Kaneki soon. And use that black lacy underwear. She snuggles with Masanori, who cries before bed. The blankets in this place are worn and scratchy, secondhand.

"Maybe he misses Shio," Ui says. Amon procured them a small apartment with two tiny bedrooms. Theirs barely has room for a bed, pushed against a window, and a bookshelf, empty. A small nightstand stands against the bed, old and crooked. They'll have to get a crib eventually, but Hairu has no idea where they would put it. They have to slide off the end of the bed, because the cradle's on the side. "He used to sing to him before bed, remember?"

Hairu nods. Ui starts singing, his voice soft and husky. Masanori keeps crying. Eventually, though, his eyelids flutter closed, his fingers still grasped around Ui's fingers.

"I bought this for the baby," Akira says, peeking into their room. She hands over a stuffed tiger.

"Thanks," Hairu says quietly. She places the tiger next to Masanori and lies down next to Ui, interlacing their hands. She presses her face into his neck, breathing in his scent.  _I'm scared._

_I don't know what we're doing with our lives anymore._

Except Masanori. He is her life.

Ui runs his hands through her hair, blankets warm over them.  _You really love me, don't you?_

_You've given up all of this—everything—your parents—the CCG—justice—for me._

She flutters her eyelashes against his skin. Ui snorts. "What are you doing?"

"Tickling you," Hairu mumbles.

"Don't wake the sleeping tiger," pleads Ui.

"Legit point." Hairu wraps her arms around him. She hears him gasp in surprise.  _Thank you._

_Thank you. Thank you. Thank you._

Tsuneyoshi always saw her as his property. Ui doesn't. Her mind runs through the faces she remembers, the faces she doesn't, all from the Garden.

"The Oggai," she says, remembering the news.

"Hm?" Ui asks, drowsy.

"They have Rize's kagune," says Hairu.

"Who's Rize?"

Hairu bites her lip. "She was in the Garden with me. She was a ghoul—she was going to be—I mean, she was being raised to be a womb."

"What?" Ui lifts his head, wrapping his hand around Hairu's neck.

"For Tsuneyoshi," Hairu says.

Ui grimaces, disgusted. And Hairu's glad. She thinks of the others she knew, the ones who would be raped by that man, and wants to vomit.

"She was always selfish," Hairu admits. "Flighty. But Nimura—Furuta—he liked her. They were inseparable. And then she disappeared."

Ui gulps. "They killed her?" She's told him about the failures of the failures disappearing, about how she always feared it would happen to her until Arima smiled at her, and she wasn't afraid anymore.

Hairu shakes her head. "She escaped. They told us—it proved ghouls were dangers, deadly, even in there, even in the Garden, we couldn't trust them." She keeps chewing on her lip. She draws blood.  _Oops_. It stings. It tastes bitter. "I always thought Furuta helped her escape."

"He doesn't exactly seem like the goodwill type," says Ui, propping his head up on his elbow.

"No, but he has her kagune too. I recognized it. It was—it's Kaneki's, too." Hairu swallows. "Maybe they bred other ones. Like her."

Ui's eyebrows draw together. "Did they ever hurt you like that? Or threaten you?" He looks as if he's going to storm the Garden himself.

Hairu swallows. "No. I was a failure. We weren't really supposed to be wanted. We weren't allowed to—you know. Too much of a risk of one of us getting knocked up and passing on our pathetic genes, like we did." She remembers whispers that Furuta and Rize might have broken those rules, though Hairu doubts it. They were never able to blame Rize's disappearance on Furuta, mostly because he pointed out how someone as stupid as himself, as unpraised, would never be able to help someone escape the Garden. Except Hairu's pretty sure that was all a front now. Either way, the others ostracized Furuta. They called him a traitor, a wretched ghoul's bitch.

"You're not a failure," Ui snaps. "Neither you, nor Masanori, are. I don't care what your genes are or how long your lives are. You're not a failure." His hand reaches out to cup her face.

If only she could believe that. "He has to be working with V now," Hairu says. "However he's gotten access to that kagune."

"What does that mean?" Ui asks.

"We'll never be safe." Hairu meets his eyes. Their faces are inches apart; his breaths, warm, brush her face. "V will try to find us."

Ui pales. "We all have more human scents."

"Remember my talk with Kaneki about Eto?" she asks. Her heart thumps. "They made her father—the Owl—kill her mother. I told you that. But her mother was a reporter. She had a baby—just to get close to V."

"Jesus!" Ui's wide awake now. "Who would do that?"

Hairu can't understand either. She wonders if it's even true, or if it's a lie Eto told people because she can't accept that her parents might have loved each other and loved her, but not enough to stop her father from murdering her mother.  _That's not love._

 _That's what you failed at, isn't it?_ She remembers the fury on Eto's face when Hairu asked her what she failed at.  _You failed to be a reason enough for your parents to stay together._

_But it's not your fault._

"We have to stay together," Hairu pleads. "Please, Koori."

"I would never—"

"I know you wouldn't! Just—we have to be together—I don't want Masanori growing up to be anything like that!"

Ui pulls her close, resting his chin on her scalp. "He won't. You won't—we won't. I promise, Hairu."

She shudders, but his arms can't push away the chill.

"Fuck," Ui mumbles, rolling away from her.

"What are you doing?" Hairu sits up, squinting in the dark. A grunt echoes from the other bedroom and Hairu winces. Ui shudders. "Well," says Hairu. "Amon's probably losing his virginity at last."

Ui clamps his hands over his ears. Well, one hand. He fumbles with the nightstand and yanks open the drawer.

"Earplugs?" Hairu asks.

"I don't have any, but we're getting some tomorrow."

"We might not hear Masanori then."

"Hairu, he's louder than you." Ui grabs something from the drawer and turns around. "I was going to wait to give you this, but—"

Hairu's jaw drops.

Ui's face turns red. "I had a whole plan, but—" He gets to his knees. "Oh wait, I should be on the floor." He backs up and drops down, almost knocking the cradle.

"Yes!" Hairu throws her arms around him, kissing him.

"I didn't ask yet!"

"You as good as did!"

Ui snorts. "Will you marry me?"

Hairu taps her chin. "Let me think about it."

"Hey!"

She holds out her finger. "I guess. I mean. You know. We only have a kid."

Ui slides the small ring on her finger. Tears fill Hairu's eyes.  _You want me. You really do._ And he looks at her like she's making his life by agreeing. She never though anyone would look that happy to spend an hour with her, let alone the rest of their life.

"We could celebrate by passive-aggressively convincing Akira and Amon they should be quieter," Hairu hisses. She grins.

"No."

"You're no fun." She lies down. Truthfully, she's just tired right now. And scared. But the three of them—they're together, and Ui's holding her. "Though I suppose it's for the best. We don't have any condoms. You know, we forgot to use a condom again a few nights ago."

Ui freezes. "Oh shit. Oh  _shit_." He clutches his face. "Hairu!"

Hairu snickers. "Koori, relax. I doubt anything happened; I'm breastfeeding regularly."

Ui moans. "I'll buy a bunch tomorrow."

"Really? You'll just waltz into the store, Ui Koori, and buy a few boxes of condoms while looking the cashier dead in the eyes?"

Ui rolls over, burying his face in her shoulder. "You're merciless."

"I might tag along and record," Hairu says. He reaches up and clamps his hand over her mouth. She nibbles his fingers. He snorts. Hairu snuggles closer.  _You're my fiancé. You want me._ She drifts off to sleep, breathing in the scent of his hair.

Hairu wakes up to Masanori crying around dawn and takes him to bed with her, feeding him until they both fall back to sleep. She wakes up a little while later to find the Ui's gotten up. Hairu shrugs into her clothes, liking how the small ring sparkles in the sunlight, and changes Masanori. She carries the baby out into the tiny living area they share to find Akira and Amon sitting on the floor, Ui handing out melon buns.

But Ui's expression is somber.

"You okay?" Hairu asks.

":re's been burned down," Ui admits.

"What?" Hairu's jaw drops. "The Oggai?"

"And Mutsuki Tooru and Aura Shinsanpei."

 _Mutsuki?_  It doesn't make any sense to Hairu. The boy was always so shy and sweet. At least he survived Rushima.

"He's violent as hell," says Amon.

"What are you talking about?" Hairu demands. "Are we discussing the same Mutsuki?" She knows he stabbed Akira, but—he must have thought he was doing his job.

"There's nothing we can do," Akira says. "Kaneki and Touka are safe. That's what matters."

 _We are too._ Hairu looks out their small window, watching the sunlight. It strikes her as harsh, not comforting.

_Aren't we?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: Ui breaks his promise.  
> (aka, happiness? That's over, it's cancelled.)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

Ui watches as Akira's eyes bug out reading the newspaper. She quickly slams it down.

"What happened now?" Amon asks.

"Nothing," Akira says—too quickly. Hairu lifts her head from Ui's shoulder. The baby sits on his lap, cooing and drooling all over Ui's shirt.

"Tell me," Hairu demands, grabbing her coffee to sip.

Akira hesitates, and then unfolds the paper. The headline reads _New Wife of CCG Investigator Sentenced to Death for Aiding a Ghoul._ And underneath is a picture of Kuroiwa Takeomi and a beaming Kosaka Yoriko, a veil flowing behind Yoriko as she and Takeomi stand on the steps of a church, the day bright around them and all of Ui's old friends laughing in the background.

Hairu spits her drink across Ui's face. He yelps.

"Sorry."

"It's—fine," Ui wheezes. Amon grabs a towel and hands it to Ui. Masanori holds up a fistful of saliva and coffee and raises it towards his mouth. "No! No way, Masanori!" He does not want to see his child on caffeine.

"Give that to me," Hairu demands. She reaches for the paper. It crinkles.

"I didn't even know they were dating," Ui says. _I've lost so much._

But he has Hairu. Masanori wails in dismay as Ui cleans the coffee away before he can taste it.

"What kind of justice is this?" Amon shakes his head. "Not even your father would be okay with this—all those heads—Akira—"

Akira pales.

" _Mutsuki_ arrested her?" Hairu's jaw drops. "It says Kuroiwa—Takeomi, that is—punched him and is in jail too!"

Ui shakes his head.

"Mutsuki's not bloodthirsty!" Hairu wrings her hands. "Saiko—she'll be so devastated—Yoriko's her friend, she baked me melon buns that helped grow Masanori!"

Ui definitely remembers trekking to Yoriko's bakery more than a few nights. "I wonder how Iwao is handling this."

"I should talk to Mutsuki," Hairu says. "It's Kirishima Touka, Koori. The ghoul."

"She knows Yoriko?" gasps Akira.

Hairu bites her lip. "When I first—met Touka—she tried to cook for me and mentioned that she had a friend who loved to cook in high school—it says here Kirishima was a high school friend—it has to be her." Hairu's voice catches. "She still cared about this friend, I know she did."

"Then let her do something," Akira says.

Hairu looks to Ui, green eyes pleading. "What's the right thing to do?"

He gulps. _Don't ask me that._

_I don't know. I don't know. I don't know._

"Saiko wouldn't hurt me," Hairu insists.

"Urie might. And Mutsuki—if he went after Yoriko for knowing a ghoul in high school do you really think he won't go after you?" demands Akira. "He went after me!"

"We were friends!"

" _Were!"_

Masanori bursts into tears. Ui leaps to his feet and stalks out of the room. Hairu follows. "Koori…"

"We won't be safe," he cuts in, turning to face her with his eyes wide. "We'll—you know—it'll be a risk."

"Not if you help me think of _how_ ," Hairu says. "I trust you."

Ui swallows. "We have to come up with a plan. And safety is paramount. Masanori needs his mother."

"Because I'm his food machine," Hairu says, unbuttoning her blouse.

"And because you're _you_."

She presses Masanori against her breast and he quiets. Her gaze meets Ui's, and she smiles.

* * *

"You have one hour," Ui hisses, hand gripping her arm. "If you're late, or if she doesn't come, I swear to God I am going to come and drag you out of there."

Hairu nods. She wanted to bring Masanori, but Ui put his foot down, and Hairu supposes that's for the best. She sent Saiko a letter last week telling her she'd love to meet in a coffee shop, and signed it _Masanori_. Because Saiko knows the name. She'll know whom it's from.

Hairu kisses Ui on his cheek and sweeps past. She looks back to see his face reddening, Masanori alert and content in his arms. People pass all around them, men with briefcases and women wearing heels and smelling of perfume. Ui turns to head back to their apartment. Hairu slips down the street and takes her left. She spots the café and enters, adjusting the hat covering her pink hair.

A clatter echoes from across the room. Hairu looks up to see Saiko leaping to her feet, sending the coffee cups in front of her tumbling to the ground with a crash. Saiko yelps.

The manager swears, heading over. Saiko kneels to help pick up the broken pieces. Hairu orders two more coffees and two melon buns. She appears before Saiko, who grabs her in a bone-crushing hug. Hairu caves, hugging her back.

"You're _okay_ ," whispers Saiko. "I was—were you kidnapped again, or—Maman—"

"He's okay, they're all okay," Hairu says. "Saiko, it's not what you think."

Saiko pokes her abdomen. "You had the baby."

Hairu nods. "Masanori."

"Knew it was a boy," Saiko declares, munching the melon bun. Sugar and crumbs stick to her upper lip. And then tears fill her eyes again. "It's been a disaster since you—left—Mucchan's lost himself—he smells like—and Urie's—he framed out—"

"What?" Hairu sets her cup down. The coffee tastes good, rich, better than the stuff Ui's been getting, but then again, it's not like they have a ton of money.

"I've lost everyone," Saiko sobs into her palms. "Aura's—with Mucchan—Hige's focused like Urie—Hsiao's with me, though, and she's cool. She kissed me."

_She did?_ Hairu remembers Hsiao. "We went to the Sunlit Garden together. She cleaned my ears and it felt so good!"

"Right?" Saiko shouts. Everyone turns to stare and Saiko lowers her voice. "It does! She's so talented. And she's sexy."

Hairu laughs. "Are you dating?"

Saiko nods and tears off another piece of melon bun. Her lips poke out. "Why did you go, Hairu-san?"

Hairu's heart aches. "Because everyone who grew up in the Sunlit Garden is a failed half-ghoul."

Saiko drops her melon bun. "What?"

"We're all half—one of our parents was a ghoul, probably a Washuu—Arima, Hsiao, Furuta, me—we're all—"

"Hsiao's a Quinx though, not a—"

"She's a half-ghoul—well, half-human is what they call us. Because our humanity won out in our mother's womb." The words fail to reassure Hairu like they usually do. She thinks of her adorable little baby. "You're all—there's no point in fighting; Furuta doesn't want peace. Sasaki wants to protect you—that's why he hasn't—"

"And you're working with him?" Saiko demands.

Hairu shakes her head. "I have a son to think about."

"Special Class Bowl Cut is now Traitor Bowl Cut and he's really working with ghouls?"

Hairu shakes her head again. "He's working with me."

"But you're a ghoul." A chair scrapes in the background. Dishes clack.

"I'm a human."

"If you're a half-human then what's the other half?" Saiko eats another bite of melon bun. "Maybe—what makes you a ghoul—is a choice. Sasaki wasn't a ghoul—"

"He's the ghoul king now," Hairu interrupts. _Why am I arguing? Don't I want to believe what she says? That I'm no monster?_

Her ghoul heritage saved her in Cochlea.

_I don't care what I am._

_I'm alive and so is Masanori, and I want to keep it that way._

Saiko gulps, tears in her eyes. "I don't—want anyone else to die."

Hairu blinks. The smell of burned coffee meets her nostrils. "I want to live, too." _And so does Touka. So do Akira and Amon. We all just want to live._

"Why won't you come back?" Saiko asks, looking like a lost child.

Hairu hates herself. "I should go."

Saiko nods, her lips trembling. She gets to her feet, head downcast. Her hair droops, limp. "Is he happy? Without us?"

Hairu hesitates. "I don't know—I'm not working with him, remember?"

"I can't believe it. I won't until he tells us himself," Saiko declares. "I can't lose anyone else, and now Yoriko's going to—Yoriko—and Mutsuki—I don't understand why."

"Have you asked him?" Hairu questions as they exit. The thawing spring air caresses her face. Sunlight breaks through the clouds. And more clouds swoop in to lap it away. Saiko shakes her head. A raindrop lands at Hairu's feet.

"Urie says he'll do something," Saiko says quietly. "He doesn't know what yet. But he will." She looks up at Hairu. "Hairu-chan, are you a terrorist?"

Hairu's jaw drops as they head down the street together, hat pulled over her head. "No!"

"Well, I want to be. I don't care. Saiko doesn't want to be a part of the CCG anymore." Saiko swallows. "Urie said we might be. If it doesn't work. Whatever he's planning to save Yoriko."

Hairu nods. At least Saiko and Urie are doing something for Yoriko. Saiko said so.

"If we become terrorists, can we join you and Ui and Masanori?"

"What about Hsiao?"

Saiko looks up at Hairu. "Don't you want to save her, too? If you grew up in the same place—isn't she like a little sister?" Her voice shakes. "Come talk to all of us. Mutsuki would listen to you, Hairu, I know it—you could tell them about the Washuus—we can all go, we can join you, we can join Maman—you're still you even if you're a ghoul—"

_I have a son_. Hairu opens her mouth.

Saiko's face suddenly freezes. She grabs Hairu's forearm, yanking her close. "Get your head down!"

Hairu obeys. Her heart hammers in her ribs. The last thing she wants is to get Saiko in trouble.

A group of children, dressed all in black, pass by. One of them waves at Saiko, who waves back.

"Good thing you don't smell like a ghoul," Saiko says darkly. "Get on back to your boy. Both of them."

* * *

Ui is not going to be able to wait at the apartment for Hairu. Masanori seems to be enjoying being out among lots of people. He's a little extrovert already. Ui can't relate. He takes Masanori to a nearby park and sits on the swing, holding his son on his lap. He gently rocks back and forth. Masanori giggles.

_I love you so much._ Ui keeps the swinging gentle, more of rocking than swinging. A raindrop lands on Masanori's hand, and the baby squeals.

_First time he's felt rain,_ Ui realizes. He smells cigarette smoke and wrinkles his nose. He misses them, but he promised Hairu. And Masanori is enough to make him want to keep that promise.

Hairu will need an umbrella. Ui carried one just in case. He gets to his feet, shifting Masanori. The baby reaches his hands up at the raindrops.

_Cute_. Ui decides to wait until they see Hairu or it starts pouring to pull out the umbrella. They exit the park and head back out onto the street. A woman with plump cheeks smiles at Masanori, who giggles again.

"I take it this is your favorite weather," Ui says to his son. Masanori presses a palm, wet with either drool or rain or both, against Ui's cheek. "And pranks are your game. God help me, between you and your mother."

The baby blinks. His eyes are shaped like Hairu's, but they're Ui's dark irises. Ui has to remind himself to check the crosswalk before crossing the street.

Something strikes his leg. Ui stumbles, barely keeping on his feet. "Dammit!"

His leg throbs, burns. He turns around.

Screams erupt around him.

A squad of about a dozen children, dressed in black and with a familiar kagune, surrounds Ui. Red, pulsing, the kagunes seethe at him. Ui steps back. Masanori lets out another laugh, as if it's funny.

_God no!_

He fumbles for his umbrella—it's all he has— _you found me, how, how, how_ —Hairu—if they got her too—

_God fucking dammit, I don't have my quinque!_

It's hopeless. _No!_ Rain splatters him. A downpour. Masanori starts to cry. Around him civilians scream and run, pointing.

"Traitor!" taunts one of the Quinx—are they Quinx?

It can't be hopeless, not here, not yet, he has his son with him—he's a special class—he _was_ a special class—Ui stumbles. Another kagune whips towards him. He's literally encircled.

_If it were just me—_

But it's not.

He can't give up. Rain runs cold through his hair. _I have to save him._

Masanori's screaming now, and Ui can't sing to calm him down. He can't reassure him. He can only dive out of the way. Another kagune slaps his arm. Blood runs down. It smarts. It smells like salt and bitterness.

_Hairu—_

_Hairu—I'm sorry—_

_Hairu—_

_Arima—Hirako—_

Ui leaps back. A kagune surges towards Masanori's face, and Ui whirls around, letting it stab his shoulder. One goes for his leg, and it's no use—he's surrounded—

_Never give up. Even if you lose your arms or your legs. Keep fighting._ Mado Kureo told Amon that once.

_It's not my life here._

Ui dodges, but he slips. He crashes onto the pavement. Knees raw. He remembers Fueguchi. Her mother. He heard about it. Kagunes hover over him, a wall of red. He curls his body around his son. "Don't!" A plea. He hates this.

He has no options. No hope. Ui's breaths come sharp, scraping his chest. _Fuck! Fuck. Not Masanori_. He tenses, waiting for another blow. His arm throbs.

"Brought to your knees?" scoffs one of the kids. "I thought you were supposed to be some great investigator."

"He didn't even fight back."

"Pathetic."

"Coward."

"What do you expect from a traitor?"

Rain soaks through Ui's clothing. His heart hammers. Masanori bawls.

"You're under arrest," proclaims one of the kids. A kagune hovers next to Ui's throat. "And if you put up any sort of fight, we'll take your brat's head off."

_You won't kill me right here?_ Ui looks up. A boot slams into his face. Ui struggles, but they rip Masanori away from his arms. Ui screams. One of them hits Ui on the head as they handcuff him, and Ui's just trying desperately to follow what they're doing with Masanori.

"He'll be fine," says the one with the heavy eyebrows. "Your brat, that is. So long as you cooperate, Judas."

_Fuck_. Ui stops struggling. _Is_ this _my only hope?_ The Oggai yank him to his feet, shoving him forward. Ui keeps his head low, eyes trained on his son.

_Hairu, I'm sorry. Hairu, forgive me. Hairu._

He enters the CCG as a prisoner.

* * *

"Koori!" Hairu hollers when she bursts into the apartment, teeth chattering from the rain. "Koori, I—"

Akira screams, dropping a bowl.

_Why does that keep happening today?_

"You're okay!" cries out Amon, rushing towards her.

"Huh?" Hairu blinks. "Where's—"

Amon shoves his phone at her face. The headline screams at her.

_CCG Traitor Arrested_

And there's a grainy photo of Ui, holding Masanori, surrounded by the kids who passed Hairu and Saiko earlier.

_He went back for me._

_Koori, you fucking idiot! I'm going to kill you!_

Masanori—

Hairu spins on her heel and races towards the door. Amon lunges, grabbing her. Akira blocks the door. " _Let me go!"_ she screams. "Let go of me!" She tries to bite Amon.

"Ow!"

"Hairu, you can't!" yells Akira. "You—"

" _They have my baby!"_ Hairu feels as if her throat's ripping, she's yelling so loud. "And my fiancé!"

Akira's eyes widen. "Hairu—"

"I have to save them!"

"You'll just get yourself killed!"

"They'll both be killed! I don't want to live without them!" She fights, but Amon's arms are too strong. Still she kicks him in the knees, again and again and again, but his grip won't even loosen. A sob breaks from her lips. "I don't live a long life—I need them—to make it—worthwhile— _Masanori!"_ She wonders if her mother screamed like this when she was taken from her. She wonders if it felt like a knife stabbing and lacerating her chest, like her screams were coming from inside a coffin, like everyone could hear but no one cared, like the world was her coffin and she was rotting even though she shouldn't be, she shouldn't be in this place. " _Koori!"_ Hairu throws her head back and screams.

"Hairu!"

"It's my baby; you wouldn't understand!" Hairu shouts. Tears stream down her cheeks, thick and salty. "Or Amon—" She squeezes her eyes shut. "I want to die—if by dying—I get to see them—I need to—don't make me—"

_Live._

_Why?_

_God, why?_

_Arima, where are you?_

Hands press against her face. Hairu pries her eyes open. Akira's eyes, purple and watering, meet hers. "We'll go to Kaneki. And Goat. We'll—they'll figure out a plan, Touka knows Yoriko—they'll save them."

They. Not _we_. "You're a cowardly bitch," Hairu snaps. "You were supposed to—keep fighting—no matter what—no matter what it costs you—"

Akira recoils. "What would you have me do, Hairu? My father was a—"

"Was he?"

Akira's jaw drops. "He—"

"I'd have you take the good, and fuck the bad," says Hairu, thinking of Arima. _You're not a god._

_You never were. You're a person._

"Aren't you able to make decisions for yourself?" Hairu demands. "Fueguchi—" She stops.

Akira's shaking. She looks at Amon.

"I'm going," Hairu says.

* * *

_I'm in_ jail.

Never in Ui's life did he imagine he'd end up in here. It's cold. Ui shivers. At the very least they gave him a dry blanket that he used to wrap around Masanori. _But I'm in_ jail.

And his son's in here with him. Ui remembers when he was born. He promised to protect him. _No one will hurt you._

_I lied._

Tears slide down Ui's cheeks as he clings to his son. _I'm sorry. I'm so sorry_. He failed as an investigator. He failed as a father. He failed Hairu, too. He promised he would save her, and Masanori too, and he can't even save himself. _Hairu... you'll never forgive me for this, will you?_ He'll never forgive himself, that's for sure. So much for justice.

_I'm just a coward, you see._

He sees it now. A teardrop lands on his son's sleeping face, and Ui wipes it away. "I'm sorry," he chokes out.

The sound of clapping breaks through the darkness.

Ui lifts his head and peers through the bars, a cruel reminder of just where he is.

"Oh, my, my, my," says Furuta with a grin. "Look what the cat dragged in."

Ui glares at him. Masanori stirs and whimpers.

"A rat, and its spawn," Furuta says. "Too bad Ihei wasn't around. Or is she dead already? We do die young, don't you know?"

Ui just stares at him. He shouldn't hope for a trial.

"I heard about your performance on the street there, Ui. It was really… befitting a special class." Furuta snickers. The light crackles above his head. Ui holds his son tighter, even though the baby squirms.

_Hairu._

_I'm so sorry._

_Will you know what happened to me?_

He'll give them whatever they want, if it means keeping his son alive. That might be one just thing he can still do.

"But you chose not to be one anymore, didn't you? All for that pink bitch. Did she leave you already? Run off with dear Kishou? Bet she's already knocked up by another man."

That does it. If Ui wasn't holding Masanori he would punch him through the bars. "Shut the fuck up, you—"

"Women are all like that," Furuta says, clutching the bars as he leers at Ui.

"So you're adding misogyny to your already long list of wonderful attributes?"

Furuta crosses his arms. A small smile spreads across his face.

"Why are you here?" Ui demands.

"Because," Furuta says. "I have a proposal for you."


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

Ui's arm, shoulder, and calf throb. That blasted kagune. He squints at Furuta. "What do you want?" It can't be good.

"I'm working with a scientist," Furuta says, rubbing his chin. "Kanou."

Ui's lips curl. "Figures you'd be working with an Aogiri—"

"You're hardly one to talk, considering you've been fucking someone who's half a ghoul."

Ui tenses. He'd love to send his fist into Furuta's smug face. Masanori whimpers. The cold, damp cell seems smaller than before.

"Poor baby," Furuta coos, peering at his son. Ui wants to turn away so Furuta can't soil him with his gaze. "Maybe he's already aging. Of course he is, what am I saying? His hair will be white by the time he's thirty. She'll be dead by the time she's forty, if she's lucky. And you'll be all alone."

Ui's heart pounds. His mouth opens and closes. _I can't lose them._

"What if," Furuta says. "I could fix her aging problem? Kanou could, that is. He's working on it."

" _Your_ aging problem, you mean?" snaps Ui. He feels winded. He wheezes.

Furuta lets out a laugh, throwing his head back. He doesn't answer.

"You're lying," Ui croaks. He can't hope. He's too afraid to hope that Furuta would have any benevolence.

_I'll save you. I promise._

_Hairu._

Furuta scowls. "All you'd have to do is tell us where to find her, and the One-Eyed King. I'll tell the Oggai to bring her safely back. You can live out the rest of your days in a house, under supervision of course, but with each other. Your son can become a CCG agent, a true agent of justice, just like he was bred to be."

Ui recoils. "He wasn't bred!" _I love her. I've always—always loved her._ He remembers the first time he met her, when she was hopping up and down on one foot, when she helped him take down a ghoul and laughed doing it, when she used to greet him with a chipper _good morning!_ and a grin, and he told her to lay off the coffee. She responded that she only had one cup and he checked her cup the next day to find it so laden with sugar he almost gagged.

" _It tastes like a melon bun!"_

_"That's the point!" she crowed. "You're so sour; you should eat them more."_

That she dared to insult a superior shocked him. He turned and stormed off, towards the window, where he pressed his face against the glass and told himself to just say something to her.

But when he got back to her desk she wasn't there, and she returned an hour later to drop off melon buns at his desk. " _See!"_ And he knew then that he didn't mind her brainless antics.

Furuta raises his eyebrows. "Everyone has ulterior motives, Koori."

"Don't call me that," he snaps. He looks down at his son, who buries his face in Ui's shoulder like Ui can protect him. _I can't. I've landed us both in prison._

"If you love her, don't you want her to live?" Furuta demands, and there's something raw in his voice, something jagged, personal.

Ui raises his head and frowns. Furuta's face bends in a sneer, and he's gripping the bars so tightly, too tightly.

"You know if you don't," Furuta says. "She'll probably go off and fuck Arima."

 _No_. Ui's heart pounds. _Stop trying to play this trick on me. Hairu won't forget about me. She won't._

_Please._

Masanori starts to wail, and Ui swallows. "He's hungry." Hairu would feed him from her own body. She loved bathing him in their tiny sink, and he splashed her with water and Hairu would giggle like she'd been baptized into a new life. And then she would toss water at Ui, drenching him. _"Daddy needs to join in on the fun, Melon Bun!"_

She could have gone with Arima earlier, couldn't she have?

"I'll send for formula," Furuta says. "If you say the magic word."

"What's that?" Ui demands. _Are you serious right now?_

Furuta raises his eyebrows. "I'm doing you a favor."

Ui grits his teeth. " _Thank you."_

"The tone was rather contradictory, but it will suffice," Furuta decides. "I'll be back later. And hopefully you'll have made the right decision. You know. To save your kid."

"I don't know where they are," Ui whispers.

"Excuse me?" Furuta's eyes narrow.

He gulps. His arms feel tired. "I don't know where the One-Eyed King is. We left."

Furuta just stares at him, and then he throws his head back and guffaws as if that's the funniest thing he has ever heard. He doubles over, wiping at his eyes. "So you really turned out to be all talk, eh, Ui Koori? Justice is just about _you_. You and her, and that brat now, but mostly about you."

Ui shrinks. "You're a monster." _I won't believe you; I won't; it's not true!_

"Tell us where to find her, then, and I may still be merciful," Furuta croons.

Ui can't speak. His teeth chatter. _Hairu, would you understand? Hairu, would Furuta even keep his promise? Hairu, would he hurt you? Hairu? What about Akira and Amon?_

"Well, take some time to think about it," Furuta croons. "I've got time. You don't." He claps his hands together, still laughing.

"Those kagunes," Ui says, heart pounding. "They're Sas-Kaneki's. And Rize's."

Furuta blanches. He steps back from Ui, eyes blazing. "Where did you hear that name?"

"Hairu said she was your friend. And that you helped her escape—probably," Ui amends. Fury surges through him. "Did you do it with her? Or were you too angry she was sleeping with someone else?" _That's it, isn't it?_

Furuta glares at him. "So you don't really love her? You don't care that she'll die? That your son will die? Some hero of justice you are, Koori."

 _Don't you dare use my familiar name!_ "I don't—"

"Are ghouls really important to you?" Furuta presses his face against the bars. "That's quite surprising, to me—"

"I don't care about ghouls! I care about _her!"_

Masanori sobs. Ui regrets raising his voice and rocks his son.

"Then prove it. Tell me where to find her, and maybe I'll still show you some mercy."

She cares about Touka. And she cares about Arima, and he was willing to die so—for—

_What do I do?_

* * *

_Bastards._

Hairu glares after Akira and Amon, who insisted on dropping her off near an entrance to the 24th ward, though how they know that's where Goat is, Hairu doesn't know. But Amon made a few phone calls and said he'd be back. _Yeah, right._

Tears burn Hairu's eyes as she stalks through the decrepit area. She can't stand wasting this time. She needs to save her son. And Koori.

"Ihei!"

She whirls around to see that blond weird ghoul scampering towards her. "It _is_ you! We thought you were gone forever!" Naki, that's his name. Hairu's so grateful to see him she grabs him in a hug. He cackles. "What's this?"

"I need to talk to Kaneki now," Hairu says. "Hirako, too. Naki—they took Ui—they got him—they have Masanori—they have my baby—"

Naki's face dissolves into fury. "They—the fuck? What?"

"Ihei, I'm so sorry," says that tiny woman with the bizarre hairdo, Miza. Three Blades.

He sucks in his breath. "He'll be okay, Ihei." Naki pats her arm.

"Not if I don't talk to Kaneki!" And Touka—Karren—surely they'll help her; surely even Hinami would want to help, and if Hinami wants to help that Ayato and Yomo might too.

The 24th ward is apparently underground, a place protected with shadows and reeking of stale water and blood. Dust crunches under her shoes. Ghouls turn to stare at her because she undoubtedly smells like a human. Kakugans gleam in the dusky air.

"She's not for eating!" yells Miza. "She's with 0 Squad."

 _Thanks_.

"Don't mind 'em," Naki says. "They're just hungry. We're running low on reserves."

 _I'm walking into a den of ghouls_. Ones she doesn't know, mostly.

But she has to. Ui would do it for her. Hairu would let them all eat her if it meant saving her son. _I'll_ be _a ghoul again if it means saving you, Masanori and Koori._

"At least your forays above ground managed to get someone who isn't a traitor this time," Miza snips.

"Huh?" Hairu asks.

"We had one of those Oggai sneak in here. Tsukiyama and 0 Squad captured him." Miza frowns. "Tsukiyama!"

The tall purple-haired man turns to see then. He looks just as elegant as ever, albeit a bit thinner. His lips split into a smile. "Ihei!"

Karren comes running from one of the tunnels, her foot splashing in a puddle of water under a dripping pipe. Her jaw drops. "Hairu!"

"They have him!" Hairu cries out, rushing towards Karren. Surely she'll understand. She remembers Karren's desperation to get back to Tsukiyama when Hairu freed her from Aogiri. "They have Koori—and Masanori—they took them both, the Oggai!" She sucks in her breath. "I have to get them back; we have to!"

"It's not like you cared about _us_ when you went off to live for idyllic life," Tsukiyama says coldly.

Hairu gulps. Shame curdles inside her.

Karren shoves him. "Shut up, Shuu." She turns to Hairu. "Let's talk to His Royal Highness, okay?" She narrows her eyes at Tsukiyama.

Tears blur Hairu's eyes. She nods. Her heart thumps. _You're a friend, aren't you?_ Without Koori, with Amon and Akira leaving her, Arima off God knows where, she has no one else. Karren and Tsukiyama usher her deeper into the maze of tunnels, into a small room where Kaneki sits with Hirako, Shio, Yusa, and Rikai.

 _Shio. Hirako._ Hairu stares at them.

"Ihei!" Hirako leaps to his feet.

"You came back!" shouts Shio. "See? See, Yusa? I told you she would!" He springs himself at her, grabbing her in a hug. Hairu collapse, clinging to him. _You sweet kid._

_I should have taken you with me._

"They arrested Ui and the baby," says Karren. "The Oggai did."

Kaneki curses. Hirako groans, and when Hairu looks up, she sees something she's only seen on his face once before—when the other two kids were killed by Kiyoko. Anger, and fear.

"I have to get them back," Hairu repeats. "They aren't dead yet—I have to—Kuroiwa Yoriko is also—"

"I know," interrupts Kaneki. He cracks his knuckles. The sound grates at Hairu. "I—don't know what we can do."

"They'll never let them survive," says Tsukiyama. "The baby they might put in that Garden you mentioned—"

"No!" Hairu screams at him. "I'd rather die! He's not going to be raised there; he's not!" She turns to Kaneki. "You're supposed to—you're going to overthrow the world, right? Break out of the cage? That's what Eto wants you to do, isn't it? _Isn't it?"_

"I wouldn't know. She's not here," he replies. His shoulders hunch. "Ihei—Ui is—"

"He's my fiancé, and that's my son!" Hairu spots a wedding ring dangling on a chain over Kaneki's chest. She leaps forward and snatches it, holding it up to Kaneki's face. "Does this mean anything to you? I suppose you can't understand what it's like to have a child, though, can you? You—" Her breath catches.

 _Coward_.

She gapes at them all: Tsukiyama, resigned, Karren, horrified, Kaneki stung, and Hirako biting his lip so hard he draws blood. Shio clings to Yusa, and Rikai lowers their gaze. "I'll go myself if I have to—I just thought—I—"

Footsteps echo behinds her. "Hairu?"

She spins. Touka approaches, hair dark now, and flat. _It's_ your _ring, isn't it?_ Hairu gulps, twisting the ring Ui gave her. Nishiki follows, rubbing his forehead.

"Come with me," Touka says, and Hairu shakes her head.

She grabs Hairu in an embrace, and Hairu cries.

"I do understand," Touka whispers, voice too quiet for anyone except Hairu to understand. "I'm pregnant, too." She pulls back.

_What?_

"Then _help_ me," Hairu says, voice shaking. "I can't lose them. I can't. Maybe you can sit here and lose and lose and lose but I can't, okay? Not when I have a way to save them. I have to try. If I lose them when trying that's one thing, but I can't not even try. They're the only family I'll ever have. _I love them."_

Touka blanches. Her hand hovers over her stomach.

The lights flicker overhead. Hairu wonders where Ui and Masanori are now. In a prison cell? The thought makes her sick. "I'm not willing to just accept it," Hairu squeaks out. "I have to try. And if you all won't help me, then fuck you, you bunch of cowards. Your revolution won't go anywhere if you refuse to actually _do_ anything! Could you have just sat there and let everyone you love die for you without even trying?" Her voice rises to a shout. "Tsukiyama? Karren? Hirako?"

Tsukiyama snorts. He gets to his feet, and he gives Hairu a nod. He brushes some dirt off his pants. He swallows, Adam's apple bobbing, and she knows he's remembering what Ui did to his household.

 _Don't make me go through that. Not again_.

"We have one option," says Karren.

"A terrible one!" shouts Kaneki.

"I'm talking about the kid! The Oggai! That brat—Kou." Karren scowls. "If we can get him to tell us a few pertinent details, we can maybe formulate a plan." Her pink eyes blaze. "I'll help you, Ihei. I don't give a fuck what His Royal Highness wants."

"Hazuki Hajime, you mean," Shio says. "He was a mean, angry—"

"If he's the only hope we have, I'll cling to it," Hairu declares, heart pounding. "Take me to him."

"You are not torturing him!" Kaneki insists. "I—"

Karren rolls her eyes. "That wasn't my plan, asshole. If you're not going to help, at least let her ask the kid some questions! You're too passive!"

"Karren, he is your king!" Tsukiyama manages.

"Not to me," Karren says. "Not until he earns it."

Kaneki flinches, and Hairu recognizes that look. Kaneki's in way over his head. He's drowning, and no one's reaching for him. She looks to Touka.

"Go," Touka says. "Talk to him."

* * *

"Surprise!"

Ui jumps. Masanori doesn't flinch, focusing on swallowing the bottle Ui spent the past three hours trying to get him to eat from. His son finally took it after sobbing for hours, clearly preferring Hairu.

Furuta cackles as he watches Ui. "I brought you some visitors."

Ui spots two figures emerging behind him. Air freezes in his lungs. _Is this a threat? Are you going to kill them? No, no, please no._

"See you later," Furuta adds. He slips back into the shadows, dissolving away.

Ui just gapes. Masanori lets go of the bottle.

"Koori!" cries his mother, rushing towards the bars. "We were so worried—they said you betrayed—that you're working with ghouls—"

"I said I knew it wasn't true!" blusters his father. "I knew—you were always so repulsed by those creatures—you would never have!"

 _You believe in me_. And it's a lie. Ui's chest burns. His eyes sting as he gets to his feet, approaching the bars. _But you still believe in me. You think I'm good after all._

"What happened to Hairu?" asks Mother. "Did they—" Her hand flies towards her mouth. "They didn't—did they—kill her?" Tears run down her face.

Ui shakes his head. "N-no." He holds his son up. "This is—Ui Masanori." _Your grandson_. "He was born in December."

Mother reaches out to grasp Ui's shoulder through the bars. "He's beautiful; Koori, he looks like you."

"Fine kid," Father agrees, and now Ui cries.

But they can't hold Masanori. He's trapped behind these bars, in this cell. Ui wants to break it down. If he had his quinque, he would. His teeth chatter.

"I'm just so glad you're okay," Mother sobs. "Koori, I love you."

"And those ghouls kidnapped—" Father starts.

It hits Ui like a knife in his chest. He looks out at them, terrified. _Lie to them._ It'd be so easy. He thinks he understands now why Hairu lied to him, how easy it would be, especially when the thing he's wanted for so long is dangling in front of him and all he has to do to get it is lie.

"Just tell the truth," Father encourages. "You've always done that, Koori."

His chin scrapes his chest. _I'm not on the side of humans, or ghouls. I want to be on the side of justice_. _Why do I feel so ashamed?_ "They didn't." It comes out a whisper. "I went with them—to save Hairu."

"Because _she_ was abducted?" Mother cries out. "Koori, that's brave—it's understandable—you love her—"

 _Yes, yes, that's it._ Masanori stirs in his arms, and Ui wants to scream. He wants to banish all this shame curdling inside him, sickening him. He never wants Masanori to feel like this, and this is how he always feels when he looks at his parents. This is how Masanori will always feel in this fucked up world just because he had no choice in whom his parents were. And if he did have a choice, how could Hairu be a bad one?

He shakes his head. "Hairu—her father was a ghoul. She's a human—her humanity won out in—" He stops, the words thick and slimy in his mouth.

Father steps back, eyes wide. Mother shakes her head. "Koori, what are you saying?"

 _I didn't know,_ he almost says, but he stops himself. _So what? So what if I didn't know?_

 _I love her._ "She's part ghoul. It's not her fault. She didn't have a choice in whom her parents were, and—we're engaged. I asked her to marry me. " The shame is still there. Ui wants to purge it, and he doesn't know what to do. It doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter, and yet he can't say that because they'll never understand.

"She's a _witch!"_ Father erupts. "She's—look at him, look at him, she's corrupted our son—brainwashed—"

"That's not true!" Ui lashes out. Masanori wakes up and bursts into tears again. Ui bounces the baby up and down. "She didn't—I made my own decisions; I'm just trying to see—see if—"

"That child is ghoul?" Mother cries.

Ui freezes. Masanori sobs, burying his face into Ui's shoulder. He wants to say _he is not_ , but—"He's a quarter-ghoul." Ui gulps, his lungs throbbing. "And he's my son." He's not a monster. _He's my son._ Ui reaches out to caress Masanori's scalp. The baby's whimpers quiet. _I miss her too._

"What if he eats you?" Mother whispers.

"Oh, come on!" Ui yells back. "You never—you never cared—don't pretend you do now!" He's never been this disrespectful to his parents before. Shame cripples him, pushing his shoulders down. "Hairu can eat human food—she's never killed a person—she's not a—"

_We're both killers._

_Of ghouls._

_It's not the same it is the same it's not it is_ —

"So it's true?" Mother demands. "You _are_ a traitor—you're—is that what you're telling me? Is that what you're saying, Koori?"

He gulps. He nods. _There's no way you'll see it correctly, will you?_

"Koori, _no!"_

"He's my son," Ui repeats. "I love him. I love her. They're not—monsters." They're not. Perspective be damned. He doesn't want them to be. He loves them. She loves him. "I'm not a traitor to anything but this organization—Mother—the CCG is corrupted—"

"You were copulating with a _ghoul?"_ bellows Father. "You got a ghoul pregnant? So much for ending ghouls' scourge on humanity—you made another one!"

Rage sparks. "He's your _grandson!_ "

Father recoils. Mother shakes her head. "That _thing_ ," says Father. "Is an abomination."

Fury shoots through Ui. "He's crying and missing his mother and wanting a bottle just like a normal baby!" _Why are you like this? Why have you always been like this?_ He remembers the terror in Hairu's eyes when Furuta called her a ghoul in front of him. This was what she was afraid of, wasn't it? That he would call her a monster. That he would reject her.

"It's a monster!"

Ui looks down at Masanori, the baby's dark eyes squeezed shut, his pink hair mussed, his cheeks plump and his nose just like Ui's. He shakes his head again and again. "I love him. He's _good_."

"Then I'm out of here," says his father. "They'll execute you and put that creature down and I won't cry for you, Koori, I won't!" His voice shakes.

 _I won't let them!_ Their coldness shakes him. "Hairu would cry for me," Ui manages. _I choose her, I choose her, you've never chosen me!_

Mother sobs, doubling over. Father grabs her, pulling her with him.

"It's all a lie!" Ui screams after them. "The Washuus—they're all ghouls! They bred Hairu! They bred Arima—they—"

They don't even turn around.

_Is this a fraction of what ghouls feel? To have someone assume you're a monster before they know you, when you haven't had the chance to hurt anyone yet?_

Ui curls into a ball on the bench in his cell, holding Masanori to his chest. He thinks of Furuta's offer and wants to cry.

_I have no one else, Hairu._

_Can I justify putting you in jail, too? Even if he isn't lying and we do get that house... is it any different?_

* * *

"He's here," says Shio, gesturing towards the door. Shadows fall over the hallway, and it smells like mildew.

"Why are you here again, Ihei?" calls a high-pitched voice. "You Judas-follower."

"He's not the only Ihei here," Hairu interjects.

"No way!" A face leaps to the barred window, hopping up and down. "First Class Ihei! You're a Judas too, huh?"

Hairu frowns, peering into the cell. "He's in a straightjacket!"

"He has a rinkaku!" Shio explains.

"And I'd love to use it to take off your head," Hajime says cheerfully, rocking back and forth. "Unless Kaneki Ken wants to come and convince me to join him. He's the One-Eyed King. I want to see him. I need to see him."

Shio glances at Hairu, who scowls. "How old are you, Hajime?"

"Eleven," Hajime says proudly. "And already—"

"In prison?" snaps Rikai.

"Shut up, Souzu!"

"You're an Oggai, right?" Hairu asks. _You have Rize's kagune. You're a child._

"And you're humans who sided with ghouls," Hajime says, peering up at her. "You know, I never thought that—"

 _Fuck everything_. "We _are_ ghouls," Hairu spits out. "Me, Arima Kishou, Shio, Rikai, Yusa. Hsiao Ching-Li. Any of us who were raised in the Sunlit Garden. Furuta's a ghoul, we're all—the Washuus—we're half ghoul, half human."

"Our humanity won out!" cries Yusa. "It's not like that!"

"Yes, it is!" Hairu says. She grips the bars of Hajime's cell. "And we're—"

"You're lying!" Hajime accuses. "I want to talk to Kaneki Ken! I need to talk to him—"

"He'll just tell you the same thing," Hairu says. Water drips in the background. She wants to smash the leaky pipe.

Hajime throws his shoulder against the door. " _Let me talk to him!"_ He's desperate, but so is she. He's scared, and she's so terrified her fingers and toes are all tingling. He's a child caught up in a nightmare, and she's an adult trying to run through an army to save her son and her fiancé.

"Who sent you here?' Hairu asks, voice wobbling. "What are they planning, Hajime?"

"To s-l-a-u-g-h-t-e-r us all," says Hirako, leaning back against the wall with his quinque ready. "That's what that brat told us."

 _Fuck no._ "They took my husband—Ui Koori. They took my baby, and I want—you lost your parents, right? I want to find them. I want to get my son back. I don't want to leave him and I don't want Koori to leave him either! They'll try to raise him in the Garden—don't you want your parents back?" Sobs wrack her frame. "What are they planning? What's going to happen? Please—help me get back to my son."

Hajime pales. His lip trembles.

"Mutsuki sent him," comes Kaneki's voice.

"Kaneki Ken!" shrieks Hajime, jumping up again. Kaneki heads towards them, Touka holding his hand.

"Mutsuki," Hairu breathes. She can talk to Mutsuki. Saiko will help her. Mutsuki's her friend.

"You're here! The miracle human!" Hajime throws himself against the door. "Where are you, Kaneki Ken? Why can't I see you?"

Kaneki cringes, stepping behind Touka.

"Oh, what the fuck?" asks Hairu. She yanks the door, flipping the deadbolt.

"Hell!" Shio grabs his sword. 0 Squad, Hirako included, aim their blades at him.

"He's just a kid!" Hairu snaps as Hajime hops towards the exit, eyes gleaming as he catches sight of Kaneki.

It's the same look she wore when she looked at Arima. _Smile at him, Kaneki, do something!_

Kaneki doesn't. He just stares at Hajime. "I—" Hajime starts.

"Oh, hell no!" shouts Karren, lunging for the kid. Hajime screams and thrashes, but she pries his jaw open.

"Stop!" cries Hairu.

Karren yanks out a small black transmitter. "This was on his tongue!"

"Damn." Tsukiyama looks impressed. Hajime's face blanches, and then he starts wriggling. His joints pop. He's trying to get out of that jacket. Hairu grabs him as 0 Squad aims their blades at his throat.

He's shaking. He's just a kid. Like Masanori. Hairu wraps her arms around him, holding him in place.

Hirako swears. "You bloody idiot."

"Don't hug me!" Hajime squawks.

Hairu pulls back to find Hajime still struggling in desperation to get out of his straightjacket. Tears and snot run down the kid's face. "I don't want to be here anymore! Kaneki Ken—"

"Help Hairu," says Shio. "Help Hairu, and we'll make sure you get to stay with Kaneki." He gulps. "It's my cousin who's caught."

Kaneki's face pales, but Touka's already nodding. Tsukiyama snickers.

"We can't trust him," Nishiki objects. "He's a weapon."

Hairu looks at the three 0 Squad kids, all of them with their shoulders hunched. Yusa's eyes water. "So are we."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: Furuta continues his psychological games.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

"I don't want you coming," Hairu says as she sits on a musty mattress in a cramped chamber underground. Water drips in the background, and she wants to stab it. That  _plink, plink, plink_ stabs her eardrums with fears.  _What if Mutsuki can't be reasoned with?_ _What if Saiko doesn't come through?_ _I can't lose them._

"It's what we're good at!" shoots back Shio. He sits on the floor next to Rikai. Yusa stands above them, looking up at Hirako. Hajime sprawls on the floor in front of Hairu, singing under his breath.

"Our purpose is to fight," Yusa says quietly.

_Plink. Plink._

"Bullshit," snaps Hairu. "To fight ghouls, but you already blew that. You're not coming."

"We're good fighters!" Shio protests, getting to his feet. "Please, Hairu—let me prove myself to you—you might not remember but I have a good extermination rate—Hirako can tell you—"

" _Some_ one's disrespecting their elders," Hajime taunts in a singsong voice. He picks up a pebble and tosses it in the air, catching it each time.

But Shio's eyes, her eyes, are bright with tears, and his lips tremble. He's desperate. He looks to her like she's looked to Arima.  _I'm—not that—not worth that—_

_Plink._

"I believe you," Hairu chokes out. "I know you're good, Shio, I know it. I don't want you to fight because you shouldn't have to."

Shio stomps his foot. "I'm not going to live a long life anyways!"

"Don't say that!" Hairu manages. "Shio..." His eyes are green, huge, just like hers. His hair's soft and white and he looks like such a kid. He kills when they tell him to, they being the Sunlit Garden, Arima, the CCG, now Kaneki Ken. Fuck them. Fuck all of them. _You're not a tool. I'm not going to use you. You're more than that._

Being a tool is all she was taught to want. Her own desires were to be squashed. She, she was made for a higher purpose. But there's no higher purpose in being a puppet, in refusing to feel, in being made into something you had no choice in. She glares at Hirako.

Hirako pales. "You're not going," he says. " _We're_  not going."

"You're letting Hajime go!" Yusa argues. Hirako reaches for Yusa, and Yusa wrenches away. "What did we do wrong? We've obeyed every order!"

"That's the point," Hairu says. "You're not tools. I won't use you like that."

"You did nothing wrong, Yusa," Hirako says. He hesitates, and then puts his arms around the boy, who doesn't pull away this time, though he stiffens like he's never been hugged before. Since he hangs out with Shio he probably has been, but maybe not by an adult. Rikai wipes at their eyes.

Shio sniffles. "But I do want to go."

 _You're fourteen._  Hairu rolls her eyes. If Masanori is a tenth this difficult when he's a teenager, she'll be bald.

No, because she'll be dead.

_I want to see him as a teenager. I want to see him grow up. I want to see—I want to see him, and it'll never be enough._

_You have to live! All of you have to live!_  "And I'm not letting Hajime fight," Hairu manages, voice wobbling. "He's just going to—help me talk to Mutsuki."

"Huh?" Hajime glares at her. "I—"

"Are a kid," Hairu snaps. "You're not fighting, and that's—final!"

"I agree," says another voice. "It's final."

Hairu knows that voice. Her heart stops. She turns.

Arima Kishou stands in the doorway, the green imp next to him. And behind them are Amon, and Akira.

Hairu can't speak. Her throat closes. "You—"

"We went to see a friend of Amon's," says Akira. "We came to help."

 _Plink. Plink. Plink._ Hairu gulps. She really thought they'd abandoned her.

"And then I heard about Masanori," says Eto. She crosses her arms. "If I can keep you from turning into the female version of my father, I will."

"Ihei," says Arima, and she realizes his eyes aren't even focusing on her. She steps to the side, and his eyes don't follow her.

_You can't see._

"We're going to fuck up this world," says Eto.

Hairu shakes her head. "I just—want my—son back—and my fiancé." She holds up her hand, showing Eto the ring. "I love him."

"Great," says Eto. "Who cares. Your son's never going to be fucking safe in this world until we—"

"No one has any idea what to do!" screams Hairu. "Not Kaneki, not Touka, not me—you left—Hirako's just trying to honor you and you're dragging children into it—you're no better, no better at all!"

She was thirteen when she killed her first ghoul. She remembers the pride she felt, how she hoped Arima would hear of it. But no. She hadn't been efficient enough. She remembers how warm the blood felt flecked on her hands. She'd thought it should be cold, for whatever reason. And then she remembered Arima's smile and felt nothing at all, nothing but her own craving to see that smile again.

She leans over, wheezing, and she feels an arm taking hers. Shio. Another hand rests on her shoulder. Yusa. And Rikai holds her elbow, and Hirako's hand settles on her spine, and Arima—he embraces her. Even though he can't see her.

"We're going to break the world apart," Arima promises her. "And we're going to save Ui Koori and your son. I promise."

 _Another lie?_  Hairu grits her teeth.

"We'll help," says another voice.

Hairu jerks back. She catches sight of Hajime splashing his palm in one of the puddles. Behind Eto stands Washuu Matsuri, and Marude.

"You're dead!" Hairu shrieks. She heard about it on the news.

"Only legally," gripes Marude, loping into the room and scowling at them all.

"You—you're a Washuu!" Hairu curls her fists, stepping in front of the three kids. Hirako yanks out his quinque. "You're a—you kept the Garden going. You're a rapist."

"I never had sex with any of those women!" Matsuri shouts, throwing his hands in the air.

Shio's jaw drops. His eyes shine. Yusa and Rikai exchange a shocked look.

"What the fuck?" asks Hajime, sitting up and suddenly interested in the conversation.

"Don't use language!" Hirako reprimands.

"Fucking hell I will if I fucking want to, you shithead ass—"

"I will wash your mouth out with soap," Hirako threatens, glaring down at the kid.

If anything Hajime seems amused. He grins. "I'll fucking spit it—"

"Be quiet," Arima orders, and Hajime snaps his mouth shut.

"I'm not—" Matsuri shakes his head. "I wasn't—interested in that, in becoming that, Ihei." He steps closer to her, as if she's a caged tiger he's trying to tame.

 _Not today_. She spits at him. "You sent assassins after me!"

Matsuri jerks back, wiping her saliva off his face. "I did not! My grandfather did—I told my father this would happen—"

"You didn't warn me?" Hairu glares at him.  _I'll never forgive you_.

"I didn't know for sure—I was caught in that horrible system same as you!"

"Bullshit!" Hairu shouts. She's always spewed their drivel back at them, chewed it up and said it was good, it was true, when all along it poisoned her. "You had way more a choice than I ever did. You had—you can live a long life—" Her voice breaks.

Arima lowers his head.

"You know what?" asks Eto, tittering. "That pink bimbo is right."

"What can I do?" asks Matsuri.

"Help me get my son and my fiancé back," Hairu snaps. "And then  _never_  talk to me again."

After this is over, she really, truly wants to disappear. She wants her life to matter, to count for something more than just the bodies she can pile up.

* * *

"They weren't pleased, I take it," says Furuta's voice.

Ui pries his eyes open. Masanori sleeps on his chest, fingers curled around a fistful of Ui's hair. The damp chill of the cell seeps into his bones, but he'll give Masanori all of the blanket. The poor thing howled for hours after Ui's parents left, wailing in despair because he misses Hairu. "You knew they wouldn't be," he mumbles. "You knew what you were doing, didn't you, Furuta?"  _You want to see me break._

_I'm all alone. I've lost everyone and everything except Masanori, and Hairu._

_Hairu..._

"It's Washuu Kichimura, if you please."

"I don't please."

"Ooh, salty today. Missing your lady love to rub some sweetness off of?"

Ui narrows his eyes, sitting up gingerly, cradling the baby. Masanori stirs but keeps sleeping. "You're a cruel bastard."

"I am a bastard, that I don't deny," Furuta says, leaning against the bars. "Has she told you? About how we were bred?" Bitterness drips off his tone.

"She's told me."

"I didn't want them to rape Rize," says Furuta. "You know, but for a simple genetic twist, and that would have been Hairu's fate as well. Or she could have escaped—unlikely, she's too airheaded for that—but then she would still have been something you chased after—but for its head, not its pussy."

"Fuck you!" Ui shouts. Masanori whimpers. "You—filthy—"  _I'll strangle you._

"Thinking of killing me?" croons Furuta, clinging to the bars. He pulls himself up on tiptoe. "I don't blame you, you know, Ui Koori. But you might as well, you know, if given the chance. You're already a murderer."

"Of—"

"Creatures that helped create your beautiful Ihei? Your son?" Furuta's lips curl in a sneer.

"They can't help—"

"Maybe they shouldn't have to want to be helped out of being what they are," Furuta shoots back. "Maybe—just maybe—everything you called justice was really about making yourself feel cleaner, but you didn't even realize you were bathing in blood. Koori, I'll show you exactly what you've been doing. You killed mothers and you killed fathers and you killed children. You killed them while they were screaming. You killed them fighting as desperately as you would have fought to stay alive. You killed them when they were raised that way, you killed them for no other reason than that you liked killing them.  _You_  are a ghoul."

Ui gapes at Furuta. His hands shake. He shakes his head wildly. "You—"

Furuta chuckles. "Or at least, you are what you always considered ghouls to be."

Blood pounds in Ui's ears. Masanori feels like a brick in his hands. "That's—not—it was for justice, to protect—"

"What?" taunts Furuta, pressing his face against the bars. His words slice Ui. "Protect whom, exactly? Who were baby ghouls threatening?"

"I never—"

"You would have though, so is there a difference?"

"Yes!" Ui shouts. "Yes, there is!" Masanori wakes up. He cries. "I just wanted—justice—"

"You killed for justice? What is justice? Isn't it just what  _you_  decided it was? Isn't it just a series of principles you made up to make you feel better about yourself—"

"You're—" It was about people, wasn't it? Wasn't it? They weren't people—

He remembers Karren, flecked in Hairu's blood, cutting Masanori's cord. Tsukiyama kissing Karren. Telling Ui he'd slaughtered his loved ones. His household. They were all faking at being human, Ui thought then.

"It was always about  _you_ ," Furuta continues. "Not justice. If you really believed in your principles, Ui, would you have turned so easily against the CCG for your precious Hairu?" His knuckles turn white against the bars.

Ui's desperate. Furuta's words pummel him. "You're a jealous—you converted yourself to a—"

"And no one will believe you," Furuta snaps. "You know what you would have done had that baby been born with two kakugans, Ui Koori, and you didn't know who the mother or the father was? You would do what you needed to do, and you would call it justice, and someone would pin a shiny badge on your pristine prestigious coat and—"

"Shut up!" Ui screams. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut _up!"_ Masanori screams, and Ui wants to howl too. It's not true. It can't be. He looks at his son's face, scrunched up in pain, red and covered in tears, and he wants to vomit.

_Murderer._

"You took how many peoples'—oh, I'm sorry,  _ghouls_ —away from their families? And you expect me to feel sorry for you? You expect me to comfort poor Koori when his parents turned away from him for loving a ghoul, when the girl I gave everything for turned from me, and my father didn't know who I was even though I couldn't have possibly looked more like him?" Now Furuta's voice sounds ragged.

"What are you even doing then?" Ui rasps. "Leading this—"

"I want peace," Furuta says. "You benefited from this war, Koori. I know what I am, but you're as blind as Arima Kishou.  _Murderer_."

Ui's shaking like a leaf. He wants Hairu. He wants to bury his face in her pink hair, smell her skin, taste her. He wants to forget about all of this, because when he's holding her, he can't possibly be disgusting. Ui focuses on the cracked stones lining the floor. He sits back down on the cot, refusing to look at Furuta.  _I don't want to be a murderer. I believed in it. I believed it was justice._

_Didn't I?_

Nausea undulates. His throat strains.

"Fortunately for you," Furuta says, voice soft and yet still with each sound he makes Ui feels like he's being strangled. "I am far more merciful, and justice isn't something I give a flying fuck about. Well, to an extent I have to care. But I'll show you mercy."

Ui hunches his shoulders. Masanori screeches, and Ui rubs his son's back.  _It's okay. It's okay._

It's not. He can't make himself say it. Not even for the sake of his son. Ui can't breathe.

 _Murderer_.

_I'm not. Oh God._

He hears footsteps echoing, approaching the cell. Several of them. Ui presses his lips against his son's scalp. If it weren't for—

A jangle of keys. A door creaks.

Ui twists around to see six Oggai entering the cell, including the one with thick eyeliner he remembers from his arrest. And their rinkakus are out, and their eyes gleam, one kakugan each—now two?

"He'll get a proper education, just as I did," Furuta says mockingly. "He'll get to live, and you'll face the blade as a traitor and as the murderer you are unless you tell us where we can find your precious Hairu. How's that for justice? I'm being merciful in sparing his life. "

 _Live—murderer—blade—_ Ui's brain feels thick, like sludge. He shakes his head wildly as the eyeliner kid approaches, arms outstretched.

 _Holy shit!_ "No!" Ui shouts, leaping back. He scrambles on top of this cot— _you can't_ —"Furuta, stop!"

"I'm sorry, what was that?" Furuta cups his hand around his ear. "Your pleas are as useless as your victims' pleas were."

Ui turns his back to the Oggai, doubling over to protect his son, curling his body around the baby like he did on the street. Masanori cries and cries.

Furuta's voice cackles through the panic churning inside him. "So is this the encore of your performance on the street? How pathetic."

"Washuu Kichimura, I'll do anything!" Ui shouts.  _Fuck dignity. Please!_ "Please, I'll tell you where they are—I'll—don't do this, don't you dare!" Something digs into his shoulder. Warm blood flows. Ui crouches in the corner, a wordless scream ripping from his throat.  _Help me! Hairu, God, anyone, help me, help me, help us, help please please please please please!_

_I can't fail in this!_

"Too late. You're a murderer, remember? What makes you think you're fit to raise a child?"

 _You're enjoying this, aren't you?_  "I want to!" Ui yells now. "I—I love him—don't—I'll—kill— _please!"_ And he breaks. He shouts the address. "That's where she is. Don't hurt her."

 _Hairu, I'm a traitor. They'll kill Akira and Amon._  Shame bleeds through him. He squeezes his eyes shut, pressing his face against the concrete floor.

"Well," Furuta says. The Oggai stop advancing. "Thank you, Koori. She'll be fine, just as I promised. So long as you all cooperate." He sighs. "I still can't let a murderer raise a child."

 _What?_  Ui glances up. A mistake.  _No!_ Hands dig into him, trying to rip Masanori away from his arms. Ui struggles, jerking away. A kagune scrapes his throat. "Please! You—you said— _no!"_

A hand clamps over his mouth. He bites down. Blood, not his own, fills his mouth. Someone howls—a foot lands in his crotch. Ui gags. A rinkaku slams against his head, sending him flying backwards. His arm is slashed, and Ui screams out, but he won't let go—he gets to his feet—he won't let go, no matter what, he has to—it's his  _son_ —

His shoulder clamps. A sickening crunch tears through the air, and then there's a strange tingling, and then his side's warm, covered in blood, and—

Ui stumbles—no, slips.

In blood.

He looks up when he hits his knees.

An arm lies in front of him, limp.

 _His_  arm.

And Eyeliner grabs Masanori by his chest and carries the baby away.

 _No!_ Ui thrashes, but he can't scream. His throat spasms. Pain roars in his shoulder, shuddering through his torso—it clenches around his stomach and he vomits. It's bitter. Blood flecks his lips, salty and hot. "Mas—" He can't even speak. Agony shudders through his entire body. He can only moan.

Furuta—he laughs. "Take the brat upstairs and call for medical." Furuta peers down at him, entering the cell and nudging Ui's shredded arm. Blood pools around Ui's face, warm. "You aren't dying here, Koori. I'm having too much fun with you. And you'll be able to see her again, eventually, like I promised."

They're getting away. The Oggai. With his son. With his  _son_.

Nonon _onono noNOnO_ _ **NONONO**_

_Masanori!_ _  
_

He doesn't even have the strength left to say the name.

* * *

The leader of the faction Akira, Amon, Matsuri, and Marude belong to is a man with a strange mask.  _Scarecrow_.

Footsteps echo. Hairu turns to see Naki, Miza, Nishiki, Touka, and Kaneki coming to join them.

Scarecrow turns to focus on Kaneki. Maybe. It's hard to tell without being able to see his eyes.

"Matsuri," Kaneki says coldly.

Matsuri lowers his head. "King."

More footsteps pound. Someone splashes in a puddle. Tsukiyama Shuu rounds the corner, Karren behind him. And Tsukiyama's eyes latch onto Eto. "You— _bitch!"_ He throws his fist into her face.

"Hey!" Arima might be blind, but he leaps to his feet and swings at Tsukiyama.

"She tortured Karren!" Tsukiyama bellows as Nishiki grabs him, holding him back.

"You didn't exactly come looking for her," Eto manages, rubbing her jaw but otherwise appearing bored.

"I love her!"

"You didn't then."

Tsukiyama's mouth opens and closes. He glances at Karren.

"I don't even want to look at you, Eto," Karren says, reaching out and taking Tsukiyama's hand. She pulls him back, towards Hairu, whom she sits next to. "But we're going to save Masanori. And Koori."

"I guess," mumbles Tsukiyama. His gaze smolders as he glares at Eto. Hajime's eyes shine at the drama. Hairu keeps her hand on his shoulder. She likes this kid, as dramatic as he is. Shio sits at Hirako's feet, etching flowers into the stone floor with a pebble.

"Who's this one?" asks Naki, pointing to Scarecrow.

The ghoul reaches for a pad of paper, writing.  _I'm a strategist._

"Does this strategist have a name?" prompts Miza.

The ghoul hesitates. Amon looks at him, swallowing. Akira frowns.

The ghoul reaches up and removes his hood.

"Yikes!" shrieks Hajime.

He has no face. His throat's mangled, and while his eyes remain, his nose is a gaping hole, only a quarter of his lips visible in a mass of garish maroon and stretched pink. His hair is a distinct orange color that looks vaguely familiar to Hairu.

Kaneki lets out a cry. Touka flinches. And Kaneki double over, curling up, his forehead grinding into the ground.

"Nope!" Tsukiyama grabs Kaneki's shoulder. Touka grabs the other, and they yank him up.

"Hello, Nagachika," says Nishiki. "Nice of you to finally show up."

 _Nagachika Hideyoshi._  Hairu remembers him now. He was an intern at the CCG.

"I—I didn't—" Kaneki shakes his head wildly. "Hide—"

"Wow," breathes Hajime. "Damn."

Hide writes something else.  _So you knocked up the barista girl?_

"What?" yelps Tsukiyama. "You're  _pregnant_ , Touka?"

Touka smirks, but Kaneki can't even laugh. He's gasping, shaking.

"You're a monster, Kaneki," Hairu says.

"Hairu!" Touka turns to glare at her. Hirako rubs his forehead.

"No, you  _are_ ," Hairu insists. "And so what? Everyone in this room is a goddamned murderer."

_Your humanity won out._

_What is humanity, if we're still killers?_

Nothing won out in her mother's womb except her life. Whatever wins out now, it's her choice. She has to make sure Masanori gets those choices.

Eto claps. Hairu glares at her. "Shut up. I didn't say that for you."

Eto claps louder.

A garbled sound emerges from Hide's throat. Hairu flinches. "L—v—"

 _Live_.

Kaneki blinks, tears streaming down his face. "I can't—be a king—I'm a—"

"Horrified by what you are?" snaps Karren. "Yeah, I see that. But your wife here is also upset about that, so. None of you want to be ghouls, because you don't actually give a fuck about any of us beyond the fact that we're your friends, not that that served those Quinx fuckers."

Arima groans. Akira winces.

Hide rasps again. He gets to his feet, heading over to Kaneki. He doesn't reach out to him.

Kaneki shakes his head. Hairu glares at him.  _You pathetic—_

"Pull it together," Eto says. "We need you. We're going for Furuta. Just rescuing Hairu's boy toy and baby aren't enough."

"What do you  _want?"_  croaks Kaneki, glaring at Matsuri. "What are you even here for?"

"I want—" Matsuri gulps. "I want to—fulfill—honor my father."

"Oh fuck, never mind," Eto says. "Shut up, Washuu. If you think I'm going to let you do that you've got another think coming."

"Neither of us are king anymore," mumbles Arima.

"I'm advising my son, dear."

Hide crouches down in front of Kaneki. His lips pull back, almost as if he's trying to smile.

Kaneki still can't reach out.

"If everyone is swearing," Hajime begins. "Why can't I?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: Furuta isn't quite done with Ui yet.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

Ui cracks his eyes open. Everything's gray, and then the cloud dissipates, and a plain ceiling comes into focus. The ceiling lights stab into his eyes. His arm feels as if someone attached weights to it. He tries to lift it.

Nothing happens.

Ui jerks his head to the side. A mottled stump of flesh, bandaged heavily, greets him. The bandages are stained yellow and crimson, brown.

Bile surges, searing his throat as memories burn his brain. "Mas—anori—" Ui gasps.  _They took my son!_

"Don't try to move."

Ui rolls his head in the other direction. He's in a hospital bed, wrist and ankles tied to the rails. A machine beeps next to him, and an IV pumps liquids into him. Probably medication too, judging by the fuzzy feeling in his mind.

Suzuya Juuzou sits across from him, Jason leaning against the wall. "I remember losing my leg," Juuzou continues. "The doctors yelled and threatened me not to move too rashly. It takes a lot of sewing to shut up that kind of wound." He gestures to his feet.

"Help me," Ui whispers. The words stick to his throat. He coughs.

Juuzou gets to his feet. "You betrayed us."

"I'm—my son—they took my son." Ui tries to sit up.  _I failed. I can't fail._

_I'm a murderer._

"He'll be fine," Juuzou says. "Furuta won't hurt a baby."

Ui shakes his head. "That's not fine. I love him. He needs me. I need him." He tries to focus on Juuzou. His vision wavers.  _Don't you know? Don't you understand? Didn't you love Shinohara like he was your father?_

_I can't be a murderer._

"I'm sorry," Juuzou says.

Ui wants to scream. He can only lay back helplessly, lips trembling, eyes blinking.  _You're a murderer too, if I am._ The thought only makes Ui feel more ashamed. He squeezes his eyes shut.  _Masanori..._

 _"You're a coward," he told Arima._ Hairu said the same.

 _I have to fight for him._  Murderer or not. His baby's innocent. "Are you supposed to be here?"

Juuzou hesitates.

 _No._ Hope pounds through Ui. He sits up again and makes it this time.

"Lie back down, you idiot!" Juuzou shoves him back. "You'll open the stitches!"

"I don't care; I want my son!" Ui's teeth chatter. Nausea undulates and he leans forward, vomiting. Juuzou jumps back. "They're going to—raise him to—become a—weapon—Suzuya. He's just a baby—"

"They're taking him to the Garden," says Juuzou. "No—"

"He's a ghoul!" Ui manages. "My son—Hairu's a half-ghoul—Arima too—everyone from the Garden, Furuta included! They're all half-ghouls!"  _I'm a ghoul. I'm a murderer. You're a murderer._

He can't say it.

Juuzou freezes.

"He's a ghoul," Ui repeats, shaking. "I love—I'm engaged to marry—a ghoul. I have a ghoul child. I need them. I would do anything for them. I don't care if I die, I don't care what it costs me, I just want them to live. I want them to have freedom to choose who they want to be." He remembers Shinohara, and what he said about Juuzou, about Rei. "They bred ghouls in the Garden, that's what it's for, trying to create a Yoshimura Eto. They deserve—choices. They told Hairu her humanity won out, but it didn't—she won out, herself, whatever she is—whatever she wants to be—" His chest heaves. He doesn't even care.  _Let them choose, dammit._

He looks into Juuzou's red eyes.  _Do I think I'm better than my son?_  The idea horrifies him.  _We're murderers, all of us._

_I don't want to be a murderer!_

_If I still get a chance to choose, I want to choose differently. And I don't want Masanori to be a murderer._ "Help me," Ui manages. His voice cracks. "Help me save—my baby." Even if he doesn't deserve to live, his son does.

Justice would demand he die. Ui's lips crack open. What even is justice?

Juuzou shakes his head. He flaps his hands. "Shinohara-san—if I leave no one will pay the medical bills!" He gulps in air. "He's my—special person, Ui-san."

 _I need to live. Fuck justice. For my son_. Ui glares at Juuzou. "He's in a coma because of  _you_ ," he grinds out. "And I'd be—in that position for my son—no matter what it costs me—I want him to live; Shinohara did that to himself so you could live, not so you could be some maniac's puppet!"

"Shut up!" Juuzou screams. He grabs Jason.

Ui hates himself. "Fine. Go ahead—it's your job; it's always been your job to kill, since you were born, right? No different—than Hairu—than my son will be if you don't—if he doesn't—it was my job, my job too, I chose it, I—"  _Murdered._

He can't say it.

"It's our job," Juuzou repeats. "I owe Shinohara—"

"You're a coward, and you're bringing shame to Shinohara's name by living your life like this." Ui pounds his free fist. His head spins from the exertion. "I need—to save my son." He looks up at Juuzou. "He doesn't deserve this—he's innocent—"

_I'm not. I murdered._

"None of us are innocent," Juuzou retorts. "Shinohara told me that, once. If an angel fell to this earth—this messed-up world, even it would do many wrongs—"

Is that an excuse? Is it not? " _Be_  an angel," Ui begs, coughing. "To me. To Masanori—save my son. Be like Shinohara—don't let him—they beat you there—they tortured you—what happened to you was  _wrong_ , don't you see that?"

"You've always looked at me in disgust!" Juuzou glares at him. "And now you want my help?" Jason shakes in his hand.

"Good," pants Ui. "Hate me. Be angry with me. Because that was wrong." He laughs, a broken laugh. "We're all—justice never existed—"

"What the hell happened to you?" Juuzou demands. He gapes at Ui. The lights above them flicker.

_I was blind, but now I see._

_I'm a murderer._

* * *

"My parents were doctors," Hajime announces as he skips through the streets of Tokyo.

"Really?" asks Hairu. Her heart pounds. Shadows cloak the streets, and laughs ring through them, scraping at her every nerve.  _How dare you all have fun? How dare you enjoy yourselves?_

_Because you don't care at all about those of us suffering underground._

This was the world she killed for, and it feels so empty. The chatter sounds hollow.

"Ghouls killed them," Hajime says.

The lie she'd told Ui, he lived. Except if the Washuus did away with her mother, it's not entirely a lie. But it's not likely she'll ever know.

"I'm betraying them by working with you," Hajime adds, peering up at her. "They fought to—ensure that the dead were respected—they were killed because they wouldn't—even if ghouls want to be peaceful, you're all—"

"And what are you?" Hairu can't resists asking. She crouches down and grasps Hajime's chin. "I heard reports. The Oggai killed mothers and babies. To ghouls, you are a murderer."

Hajime's eyes water.

"And I can't hate you for it, because I've done the same," Hairu insists. "I don't want anyone to lose their parents anymore, Hajime. Masanori needs me."

"I want them back," Hajime states, kicking a puddle. Mud splashes onto his pants.

Hairu swallows.

"I want—killing ghouls—makes me feel closer to them—I just want them  _back_." Hajime curls his fists. "Fucking—"

"I'm sure they're proud of you—you don't have to prove yourself to them, all for a lie," Hairu says, thinking of Arima. Her heart aches.

"I want to punish Furuta for this," Hajime declares, eyes gleaming in the streetlights.

"You don't have to prove it to them," she repeats.  _They can't even given you a smile anymore, can they?_  What's it like to live for a ghost?

Hajime hisses. His shoulders hunch. Hairu decides not to press further.

As they approach the Chateau, Hairu's heart pounds. She checks her phone. Hirako, Tsukiyama, Karren, and everyone are ready to move at the right word from her. Crickets chirp. The humid air wraps around Hairu like a blanket as she approaches the house. Dim lights shine out two windows, but otherwise, it's darkened.

"How do we get in?" Hajime wonders.

Hairu spots a rock lying nearby. She picks it up., soil on her hands. Hajime grins and grabs his own rock. Hairu pulls her arm back. The rock flies out, shattering the glass to the kitchen window. Hajime's crashes through the window above it—one of the bedrooms. Shouts emerge.

Hairu races towards the kitchen window, kicking away the rest of the glass. She hops in and turns around to help Hajime through. "If they come at us, can I use my kagune?"

"Only if necessary," Hairu snaps.

"What the fuck?" shouts a voice. Hairu whirls.

Hsiao skids to a stop, Saiko behind her, both of them with their pajamas askew. Saiko's hair is half falling down from her pigtails.  _"Hairu!"_ they both shriek.

"You!" yells Urie, appearing behind them. Higemaru's kagune appears.

"Stop!" screams Saiko, jumping in front of Hairu. She steps on glass and shrieks. "Ow!" Hsiao joins her, looking over her should in bewilderment at Hairu. "Urie-kun, she's not—she's—" Saiko babbles, holding her foot. Blood drips down, sparkling against the glass.

"I'm one of the Oggai here on official business," says Hajime, sounding amused. "Is Mutsuki-sensei here?"

Urie turns. The floorboards creak behind him.

Mutsuki appears, hair white— _aging_. Hairu could scream.  _You, too?_  And behind him is Aura Shinsanpei, eyes flashing when he sees Hairu.

"We came to help," Hairu says. "They have Ui—they have my son—"

"You left to work with that piece of—" Aura starts, and his voice crackles with raw emotion. "Aunt—"

 _Kiyoko_. Hairu remembers that fight, sort of. It's all hazy. But Ui told her Hirako cut her legs off.  _She's your Arima, isn't she?_

"I'm not letting you cut off Hairu-san's legs!" Saiko shouts. "Hsiao and I won't let you!" Her chest heaves. "Hairu-san's my friend! Hsiao!"

Hsiao's kagune emerges. She'll do anything for Saiko. Hairu gulps. Mutsuki stands behind Urie, near the doorway. Aura's in front of them, and Higemaru moves towards the side, poised next to the sink.

 _Tell them the truth_. "Hear me out," Hairu pleads.

"Why should we?" demands Aura. Urie hesitates. Mutsuki looks to Hajime, who nods.

"Fine," says Urie, crossing his arms over his chest. "Aura, stand down."

"I'm a ghoul," Hairu announces, before anyone's had a chance to relax.

"The fuck are you going on about?" Urie snarls. Higemaru tenses.

Hairu wrings her hands. "Furuta's a ghoul, Arima's a ghoul, all of us are ghouls—we're from a place called the Sunlit Garden—"

"I saw Arima," Hajime says. "It's true."

Mutsuki's shaking. "You're—"

"You are too, aren't you?" Hairu demands. "Mutsuki—Tooru—"  _You're my friend_. "Your hair is white. We—we're half-humans, one of our parents is a ghoul but we don't have kagunes or kakugans—you broke your frames, didn't you? Did it happen on Rushima?"

Everyone's head swivels to look at Mutsuki. Saiko's lips tremble.

Mutsuki looks desperate. He backs up against the counter, hands raised over his face. Urie gapes at him. Aura leaps back in front as if to protect him.

"It's okay," Hairu shouts. "It doesn't mean—"

"I'm not a ghoul!" Mutsuki screams. "I'm not one of those monsters—you can't be either, Hairu-san—" He's crying now. "I'm not a ghoul!"

"On paper?" Saiko tries, voice soft. "Mucchan, it's okay. I still love you—I've known for awhile now."

"You didn't choose this," says Hairu. She looks to Hsiao, who looks as if she's about to throw up. "But on paper, I'm a ghoul, or part one, and so are—"

" _So am I!"_

Hairu turns. Urie's fists clench. His shoulders tremble, and he looks at Mutsuki, only Mutsuki. "I'm—my frames broke—Hairu, Hsiao—they all know, they saw—Donato—Higemaru—"

Mutsuki lowers his fingers from his face. He gapes at Urie, eyes horrified. The light glints against the glasses on the counter next to him.

Urie's voice wobbles. "Mutsuki, I'm sorry."

"You—you said—we'd be killed—"

"Fuck that!" says Saiko. "No one's killing Uri or Mucchanko."

Hairu never remembers Saiko saying that word before in her life. Higemaru's jaw drops.

"Saiko doesn't want to lose anyone anymore!" she cries. "Not Squad Leader, not Urie, not Mucchy, not Hsiao, not Higemaru, not Aura!"

Aura blinks. He huddles in on himself.

Urie looks at Mutsuki. Hairu could kick him.  _Make your move, idiot_.

"I need Sensei back," Mutsuki ekes out, rocking back and forth. His voice sounds odd, shaken. "Hairu—where—"

"Back?" shouts Aura. "I thought you were going to help me kill—"

"Hirako chopped off your aunt's legs, not Kaneki, so try again," Hairu tells him. She's so sick of these damn fucking lies.

"He was commanding!" Aura shoots back. He grabs a glass and shatters it in his hand.

"And Furuta's commanding all of you into slaughter because he wants—"  _You all to die?_  To die himself? Hairu has no clue.

"Why are you here, Ihei?" croaks Urie, clinging to the counter as if it can hold him up.

"To save my son and my fiancé," Hairu says, holding up her hand to show off the ring. Her breath catches. "They're my family."

"If you can take me to him—help me get him back," Mutsuki starts, a crazed gleam in his eyes. Hajime sucks in his breath.

" _We're right here!"_  screams Urie.

Mutsuki gapes, turning to him.

Urie's mouth hangs open, and Hairu will pry it open herself if he shuts it again. Thankfully, he doesn't. " _I'm_  here! Saiko's here! That lamebrain Aura and Higemaru and Hsiao—we're all right here—we want you—we've always wanted you—I—" Urie hunches his shoulders. "I—you're out there killing yourself looking for Sasaki to come back and we're all right here!"

Mutsuki shakes his head. "You're not—you weren't—it was all okay when he was here, when there were the five of us, he left, Shirazu left, we're all—I'm—"

Urie lunges, grabbing Mutsuki in an embrace. "You're  _not_  alone. We don't want to—hold you back—we want to—help you, Tooru." He squeezes his eyes shut. "It's agonizing, isn't it?"

Mutsuki lets out a sob, and his body goes limp against Urie, and Urie keeps holding him, holding him upright, and Hairu remembers Ui holding out that bloody plate to her, eyes wide with understanding, and how she wanted to crawl under the blanket, pretend he didn't know that she was what she was, her worst nightmare, a monster, but he looked at the nightmare and saw a daydream, a princess.

Aura looks dismayed.

"You're both ghouls, huh," Saiko comments. "Make ghoul babies or something."

Hsiao smacks Saiko's shoulder.

"We're going to stop Furuta," Hairu declares. "I want my family back."

"I've been taking orders from a ghoul?" Hajime's lips curl. "I shouldn't be shocked."

"Shut it, kid," snaps Urie. "Or I'll teach you a lesson."

"We have to kill Sasaki, still," Aura insists. "We have to—you attacked that kagune, remember, Mutsuki? The clown one? The one that looked like Sasaki—you were stabbing it and you were humping it and you were—"

Mutsuki stiffens, and Urie glares at Aura. "Shut up!"

"What?" gasps Saiko.

"I'm grotesque!" Mutsuki grabs some of the glass shattered on the floor, already tinged in blood, and raises it towards his face. Urie wrenches it away. Mutsuki cries out. "He's the only one—who could still love me—"

 _"Bullshit,"_  Urie ekes out. He pulls Mutsuki closer. "I'm  _here_. I'm here, Tooru."

 _You still do love him._  No matter what.

Mutsuki sniffles. Sobs wrack his frame. Urie's hand runs up and down his back. "And I love you."

_Holy shit._

"He actually said it," muses Saiko. "Wow."

"Why?" Mutsuki croaks out, pulling back and gaping at him. "Why would you love something as fucked up as me?"

Urie gulps. Hairu can't see his face. "Because I want to."

Mutsuki crumples, clinging to Urie and sobbing. Urie holds him.

"You lying cunt!" Aura shouts, and then turns as if he's going to attack Mutsuki.

Hairu's had enough. Urie flings Mutsuki behind him. Aura's kagune comes out, but Hairu gets to him first. She kicks him across the room, sending him flying into a cabinet. A pot falls onto his head. Saiko, Hsiao, and Higemaru all leap at him, grasping his flailing limbs.

"I need to kill him! I have to—he—made my aunt feel—I'm a—burden—" Aura's face reddens. His eyes bulge.

"Is that what I looked like a few days ago?" asks Hajime, nose wrinkling.

"Shut up," Hairu retorts. Hajime smirks.  _You feel like you have to prove something to her, because you owe her for something. For giving you hope._

_Without that hatred, without revenge, what will you have?_

_Yourself._

Hairu catches a glimpse of her reflection in the glossy stove. She's part ghoul.

And she has a fiancé, and a baby who need her.

"Furuta is the one who made this mess," Hairu says, peering down at Shinsanpei. For once his hair is not covering his eyes, and they're streaming. "He sent your aunt to Cochlea. He's planning something awful at the—Goat's hiding place, and I don't know what, but he's always been a wretched piece of shit. He doesn't want  _anyone_  to survive. Not you—not your aunt—he's playing you all—he used Rize's kagune to make the Oggai—he's hurting her, I'm sure." She looks at all of the Quinx. "They bred us in the Garden. The Washuus—they made us children, they tried to make a half-ghoul like Eto but—we failed."  _We failed before we were born._

_I'm not going to fail my son. Not in this._

"I'll call Suzuya," says Urie, still holding onto Mutsuki. "If anyone knows where Ui is, it'll be him. And he hates the Bureau Chief." He bites his lip. "I should probably call Kuroiwa as well."

"Yep," Saiko affirms, crouching in front of Shinsanpei.

"Put it aside for now," Hsiao says. "We can deal with Kaneki after we take down Furuta. You know what an asswipe he is."

"What's your plan?" asks Higemaru, eager. He rubs the two moles under his eye and picks up a metal spatula, tossing it in the air. It smacks him in the face.

"A coup," says Hairu. "We have—Matsuri."

Urie lurches. Mutsuki stumbles. "S-sorry! He's alive?"

"A lot of people are alive," Hairu says. "We have Arima. We have Eto. We have humans a ghouls working together, and we want—" To change things. Kaneki just has no idea how, because Kaneki.

"Saiko's ready to stop this slaughterhouse," Saiko declares, cracking her knuckles.

"Someone needs to get to Oggai away from here," says Hajime, looking at Mutsuki. "Senpai?"

Mutsuki clears his throat. Urie squeezes his shoulder. "Do you have your transmitter?"

Hajime shakes his head. "I have it," Hairu says, patting her pocket. Hajime looks offended.

"Someone will take you to the outskirts of town and press it. Shinsanpai and I will head there."

"I'll take him," Urie says quietly. "Let's get moving."

Hairu texts Arima.  _It's a go._

* * *

He fades in and out of consciousness. His dreams chase him, gnaw at his heels. Ui shivers, nauseated. The ceiling swings towards him, and then back again. That blasted doctor came to give him food, but Ui doesn't want it.

_They took my son._

Once Juuzou left, Ui's hopes crashed. He can't give up, but how can he not give up? Tears slip out from Ui's eyes.  _Hairu, I failed you._

_Murderer. MURderer. Murderer. MURDER-er._

His arm rots in pain, but it's not actually there. It's a phantom. The door swings open with a creak. Ui turns his face away.

"I heard you're not eating," says the last voice he wants to hear. Ui clamps his mouth shut, biting his lips.

"Have some water," says Furuta.

"You're going to execute me anyways," Ui rasps. He can't even yank this goddamn IV out of his arm with only one hand.

Furuta rolls his eyes. "I bet that'll make your son very proud, hearing that his father died before his execution because he gave up on water and food."

"I'm—"

"We're staking out the address you mentioned," Furuta croons. "Haven't found her yet, though."

_I betrayed them all._

"You need to eat," Furuta snaps, reaching out and unlocking the restraint on Ui's arm. "It's just broth.  _Enjoy_."

"You can't even eat it, can you?" Ui demands. He uses his remaining arm to grip the IV pole next to him, hauling himself up. " _Ghoul_."

Furuta's eyes narrow. He sits on the edge of Ui's cot and Ui contemplates kicking him off. "You still haven't learned, have you? Your kid is a ghoul. That's why he's in the Sunlit Garden."

Ui can barely sit up. Sweat beads his forehead.

"I haven't actually decided whether or not I'll execute you," Furuta remarks, placing a bowl on Ui's lap. "If I decide to keep you around, I might allow you to see your brat. Sometimes. It'd be something I never got to do, see a parent who cared about me."

"And what would I give you?" Ui demands. He wavers.

"Fucking eat the broth or I'll force it down your throat," Furuta says, his kakugan flickering. It's a jarring sight. Ui gulps. The sickly smell of chicken wafts under his nose.

He remembers shoving a plate of meat at Hairu, blood dripping down his fingers, watching her cry with shame as she ate, because she just wanted their Melon Bun to live. She would force him to eat this, no doubt. And force him to live. She wants Masanori to have a family. To have the parents she never had.  _Even though I'm a murderer?_

She would be, too...  _no!_

"If you don't start eating, I swear I'm going to fucking—"

"Why does it matter?" Ui asks. "You said it yourself. I'm a terrible—I'm a—"

"You still can't even say it," Furuta says in disgust. "Say it. Say it, and I'll show you a picture of your brat. I'll get them to send a picture. From today." He cackles. "You won't, will you? You're so proud, Ui Koori, and it's sickening."

It's not for him he doesn't want to say it. It's for Hairu. But if he is, and if she is, and they have Masanori and they still want to live...  _I don't care about justice._

 _Fuck you._  "Murderer," Ui croaks out.

"Huh?' Furuta's jaw drops.

"I'm a murderer," he whispers again, glaring at Furuta. He raises the spoon towards his mouth and eats, even though it's the last thing he wants to do. Seeing the smugness seep into Furuta's eyes almost makes him want to throw it at Furuta's face, shove the spoon down his throat and choke. But his arms, real and ghost, ache, and he can imagine Masanori, the day he gets to feed his son pudding and melon buns.

 _I have to try. I have to get stronger. I have to get out of here_.

 _I will._ He promised Hairu once he'd go to hell and back for her. He'd go to hell and stay there for his son.  _No matter what it takes._

"Well," says Furuta, reaching out and tapping Ui's nose. "I suppose we have a confession." He cackles, and then holds out his phone. A photo of Masanori. Crying.

"Go to hell."

"I'll send the doctor in with your pain medication," Furuta says, getting to his feet. He glances over his shoulder at Ui. "Koori, I'm sorry."

Ui lets out a laugh. It crackles. "If you were sorry, you'd let me go. You'd give me my son back."

"There's no future for you or your son," Furuta intones, smirking. "Not in this messed-up world. Letting you roam free in it would just—it wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be justice."

He's mocking him. Ui's shoulder cramps. "You've never given a shit about that."

"Neither have you, remember? You only cared about washing yourself in so much blood that you looked shiny." Furuta leans against the door jamb, pushing his hair back from his face. "I want super peace, Koori."

"You don't want peace; you want us all to die. Don't talk to me like we're friends. You're a monster."

"And you—"

"I know what I am," Ui snaps. His eyes sting. "You made it quite clear. You're still—living in your delusions—you want revenge—"

Furuta throws his head back and laughs. "If you only knew, Ui. You'll know soon enough, though."

"Masanori is innocent," Ui insists. "No matter what I've done—what Hairu's done—he's just a baby."

"No one born into this world is innocent."

"Yes, he is." Ui gulps.  _So was I, once_. So was Hairu, before the Garden beat it out of her.  _So were you_.

"How cute," Furuta says. "How very cute."

His hair covers his face as he leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Ui's lost his arm, his son, and thanks to pain medicine, he will lose his filter.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please enjoy Ui on pain meds this chapter.

"He's in the hospital?" Hairu gapes at Suzuya. Urie and Aura already accompanied Hajime to an abandoned building where Mutsuki and Higemaru plan to meet up with them. Mutsuki looked terrified. Now everyone else is gathered in the Chateau, ready to stage a coup for... for no one knows what.

_It's empty._

Not for her.

"He was injured fighting the Oggai," Suzuya replies. He made them promise that no matter what happens, the CCG has to keep working to keep Shinohara's medical care going.

Hairu can't breathe. "Then where's my son?"

"Furuta took him to an orphanage," Abara says, voice quiet. "But—" He looks at Suzuya.

"Ui said it was the Sunlit Garden," Suzuya says, gaze flickering to Hairu.

 _No_. Hairu grits her teeth. "I have to—"

A hand lands on her shoulder. Saiko, kakugan blazing. "Leave that to Hsiao and me, Hairu. We'll get Masanori. You and Hirako need to get into that hospital and get Special Class Bowl Cut."

"We'll take care of Furuta," says Eto cheerfully, hooking her arm through Arima's. Matsuri and Marude both nod.

Hirako rubs Hairu's other shoulder. "We'll get both of them back, Ihei, I promise." Yusa, Shio, and Rikai are staying behind with Touka, Hinami, Amon, and Akira guarding them and the Aogiri children.

"The fuck is your plan though?" demands Nakarai, pushing his pale hair back from his forehead. "Like we all know the Chief's a piece of shit, but then what? We're working with ghouls to—"

Hairu tenses.

"To set up a CCG that pursues ghouls who murder," suggests Marude. The moon shines through the open window, bathing them all in silver light.

Hairu digs her fingernails into her palms.

"How else will they be fed?" asks Itou, wincing. "And how is that justice? They've killed—"

Hairu bites her lip.

"How many families have you killed and thereby torn apart?" Eto snaps. A cool breeze wafts through the window.

"Can you all _shut up?"_ Hairu yells. "I want to go and get my son already!" Tears run down her face. "You all lost loved ones to ghouls—the ghouls I've been working with lost loved ones to us, but I'm both, I had a human parent and a ghoul parent and the ghoul parent didn't want me and the human one—I'll never know because I don't even know her face. I can't choose between you because I'm both, and I don't want—I'm not going to let this fucking revenge war crush me or Koori or Masanori, okay?" She glares at them. "I can get Koori and Masanori back, and I—will. I have to. I'm sorry you can't—I'm sorry there are people you can't replace—" _We all just want to keep our loved ones around us, don't we? Can't you understand? "_ Can't we try to stop making the other side lose their loved ones and instead ask why anyone has to lose at all?"

Arima glances in her direction, but of course, he can't focus on her. But he smiles. That same small smile she remembers from so many years ago. Hairu's eyes water.

Suzuya hunches over.

"If you hate ghouls," says Marude. "You should want to take down Furuta."

"We're not doing this for ghouls," gripes Itou. "We're doing this for Arima."

Eto trills. Arima nods, eyes downcast now. "You know he is one," Eto says.

Itou swallows.

"I don't want anyone to die anymore," Hairu repeats, remembering what Saiko said. "Not the CCG, not the ghouls. I'm part of both."

"Let's go," Hirako says. Hairu turns and follows him, Suzuya, and Hanbee. She doesn't have her quinque. She's completely helpless.

 _No_ , she can still fight. She's got ghoul's blood in her.

* * *

Ui lies awake, in too much pain to sleep, but not from his arm. Shame suffocates him. The medicine makes him feel fuzzy and nauseated. He tries to tug at his restraints again. Nothing, and now physical pain crunches into him. Ui almost gags.

He wonders if his parents even know that he's lost his arm, that they've taken Masanori away. They'd probably be glad of the latter. Ui wants to punch them. Except he's missing an arm.

_I hope you're safe, Hairu._

_I'm so sorry._ Tears leak down his cheeks. His room doesn't even have a window.

The door rattles. Ui frowns. It bursts open, clattering against the wall. Light from the hallway, garish, strikes Ui's eyes. He tries to cover them before remembering that he can't. Suzuya enters, followed by two cloaked figures. "What do you want?" Ui croaks.

One of the figures throws her hood off. Pink hair. That smile.

 _Hairu_.

Ui shrinks. "Hairu— _no!_ You fucking _bastard!"_ Furuta probably wants her tortured in front of him, or to tell her he lost Masanori right here, so she can reject him to his face. He struggles to sit up. "H-Hairu—you—how—I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—"

She rushes towards him, and the other figure takes his hood off. _Hirako_.

"They got you too?" Ui cries out. Is there no end to what his betrayal's done?

"He's confused," Hirako says to Hairu as she hovers over Ui. Hairu freezes, gaze sharpening. She stares at his shoulder, heavily wrapped in gauze.

Ui swallows. "I—I'm—sorry." _I broke; they broke me; I'm pathetic—I never believed in justice—I'm a murderer._ He wants to vanish into the scratchy linens.

"Ui, they're not under arrest," Juuzou says, tapping his foot against the tiles. "This is a coup. We're breaking you out."

"Huh?" Ui blinks. The lights still sear his eyes.

Hairu shakes her head, reaching out to wipe his face with her hands. "I'm here, and we're getting out of here, Koori. You're okay—I was so worried—"

Ui gulps. "I'm _not_ okay. I lost my arm. They took Masanori, Hairu, I failed—"

"I'll be your arms. And Suzuya told me, and we're going to get Masanori back, Koori, I promise you." She crawls onto the bed next to him. Hirako fumbles to undo the restraints on Ui's ankles. Hairu cuts the one on his wrist.

T _his can't be happening. I don't deserve it. I deserve to suffer._ "I failed," he ekes out again. "I was out—I should have gone back home like you said—I was just—worried—"

She presses her forehead to his, prying away strands of hair that are stuck to his cheek. "You didn't fail, not yet, you're still here and I'm still here and we're going to get Melon Bun back, okay?"

He looks into her green eyes. He shakes his head. _I hope so._

_I deserve to die. But I want to live._

"I missed you." Hairu leans in, pressing her lips against him. A quick kiss, because they have to get going, but she means it. "I need you, okay? I need you to try to move. For me." She's scared. She's pleading. Her nails dig into his cheeks.

 _You came for me._ He gapes. _I don't deserve this._

"Let's go, prince," gripes Nakarai.

"I told them—the address," Ui manages. "I gave in, I—they were taking Masanori and I—"

"Well, fine and dandy, let's _go!"_ snaps Juuzou. "They were already gone, Ui."

They were? But they could have—that doesn't change that—

"It didn't happen," Hairu growls, gripping his face, forcing him to look at her. "You just wanted to save him. We're going to save him."

When did she get so strong? Or was she always this strong? No, she wasn't. Her hand brushes his jaw. Ui nods.

"Good to see you, Ui," Hirako says, smiling down at him. "You scared the shit out of all of us."

Ui could laugh, but Hairu hooks her arms behind him to help him sit up. He groans and leans forward, head spinning.

"Aren't you on pain meds?" demands Hirako.

"Sort of," Ui gasps.

Juuzou rolls his eyes and presses the button on his IV. Ui yelps. "You should stay ahead of it. That's what they always told me."

Ui moans.

"I'll take him to safety, Hairu," Hirako says, slinging Ui's arm around his shoulder. "You go get your son."

"No," Ui rasps. "Give me—a minute—I'll come, I'll fight, I have to—"

"You've done enough," Hirako says.

"Bullshit!" Ui straightens. "I can—I have to. I'm an—that's my son. They took him away from me. I messed up." Justice. It's calling to him again, even though he hasn't the faintest idea what it is _._ He just wants to do this one thing right.

"You can come with us," Hairu says, regarding him. "But if it seems like you'll be in danger, you have to hold back."

Ui presses his lips together. He nods.

She wraps him in an embrace, careful not to brush his wounded shoulder. "I'm sorry it took so long to come," Hairu tells him, voice muffled against his chest.

"It's been like three days," Ui manages. His head feels warm and floaty from the medication. He tugs the IV out.

"I love you." She looks up, beaming at him, looking at him the way she used to look at Arima. Ui's stomach drops. _You're so brave, Hairu_.

_I want to be like you._

She knows he's a murderer, she's working with ghouls, she is one, and she still loves him. _Is this hope?_

"How sickening," Hirako mumbles, but when Ui looks at him, he's smiling. He really is happy to see Ui.

They lope into the hallway, where Hirako and Hairu both stop.

Two guards—men whose names Ui doesn't even remember—let out a shout. Hanbee, Mikage, and Tamaki have clearly been trying to distract them by the vending machines, but they've taken too long.

"Well fuck," states Juuzou, thrusting Jason in front of him. "Run fast. Carry him if you have to."

Hairu and Hirako pick up pace, hurrying down the hallway. It smells like hand sanitizer. Ui knows that smell well because he uses it a lot. Especially during winter. Like all the time. The lights reflect on the floor. It's bright.

Shouts echo behind them. Ui turns to see Hanbee pulling out Silver Skull. The other members of his squad do likewise. Juuzou glances towards the elevators.

Hairu wrenches him down a stairwell, cursing with each step. She's basically doing it for him. Ui grits his teeth. _Masanori, I'm coming._ They burst out into the parking lot. It's cold. Hairu and Hirako load Ui into the backseat of a car. Hairu slams the door. Hirako turns the keys in the ignition. She looks down at him, pink hair settling around her face, a few strands sticking to her lips.

"I wuv you," Ui rasps. She's so pretty.

"Oh God," says Hairu. "You're loopy."

"Huh?"

Hirako's jaw drops. He looks at Ui like he has two heads, but really Hirako does. "How long do we wait, Ihei?"

"My parents know," Ui says, arching his back. His head rests on Hairu's lap. "About you. About Masanori."

Hairu's jaw tightens. "I'm guessing they didn't take it well."

Ui shivers. "No."

Shame crushes Hairu's face, and Ui wants to kiss it away, but he can't push himself up. "Don't be sad."

_I choose you._

_I don't love you in spite of being a ghoul. I just love you._

"Can I get a cigarette?"

She presses her finger to his lips. "You gave that up months ago."

"Oh shit, that's right."

Hirako chuckles.

"But I need some hope, Hairu," Ui mumbles. "That's what—I smoke. Hope." Can murderers hope?

"Funny name for something killing you," Hairu snaps. Hirako's laughing now. "Besides," she adds, tilting her head to look down at him. He can see stars through the window, behind her head. " _You_ are my hope."

"I'm a murderer," he rasps. Hirako glances over his shoulder, laughter silenced. "I killed ghouls. It wasn't for justice."

Hairu pales. And then she holds his face. "I know. I'm one too."

Clattering reaches their ears. Juuzou yanks the front door open and piles in with Hanbee. "Nakarai's taking the others; _go!"_

* * *

Furuta drums his fingers against his desk. That Oggai Mutsuki sent to the 24th ward had better send the signal soon. He just wants Dragon already. Dragon will fix everything. He's been dreaming about it since they told him the story in the Sunlit Garden. He looks at his reflection in the window. _I won't have to die._

No one will.

A gunshot echoes. Pressure shoves into his brain. Furuta stumbles. _Someone shot me?_

And then all he hears is gunfire, and it's all futile. He'll still win. Dragon is coming. _It wasn't for nothing, Rize._ His kagune erupts.

Something sails through his window. Furuta swiftly ducks to avoid a sword. _Masturi?_

Well, color him surprised. Not that it matters. "You homo!"

Something cuts at his kagune from behind. Furuta stumbles.

Arima, quinque out. _What the everloving_ fuck?

Dragon. There's still Dragon. "You're not invincible anymore," Furuta taunts. " _Brother_."

A Scarecrow sprays something in his face. Furuta coughs, hacking. RC suppressant. He swings his kagune at Marude and his goons. Matsuri swipes at him again and he throws a vase and watches it shatter right over Matsuri's ugly face. Rio and Roma should be here any second.

Arima isn't even looking at him. Furuta frowns.

His arm stings. Furuta turns. It flops onto the ground next to him, just like that arm the Oggai took off Koori. His leg, too. And then pain cuts into him. He screams. He tumbles to the ground. _I'll heal... I'll heal... heal, dammit!_ The suppressants can't be working yet. He gags. _I can't scream in front of them! I can't! I can't!_ He bites the insides of his cheeks so hard blood fills his mouth.

"You're going down, you ghoul," snarls Marude.

"Me?" Furuta gawps up at them. He coughs, spitting out blood. Fuck. "Have you considered who you're working with, Marude? These two are—"

"Yes, yes, he knows," snaps Matsuri. "But you're a different sort of ghoul. You're a monster."

 _I'm trying to save you all, dimwits_. Furuta props himself up on his elbow. Let him bleed. His body's healing, knitting itself back together. He has time. Stall, that's what he'll do. His face burns on the left. That will heal, too. "So you decide to come back, Kishou? You coward."

"I'm tired of being a coward," Arima responds.

"You're blind, aren't you? It's so fitting, don't you think—"

"Fuck off," hisses a voice that hits Furuta in the chest. _You!_

"You didn't think you'd killed me, did you, bitch?" drawl Eto, leaning against Arima.

 _Are the two of you—ew! And come the fuck on!_ Why can everyone find someone except him? Everyone. _Everyone_. Kaneki. Fucking Urie if he ever tells Mutsuki. Takeomi and his bread and butter wife. Ui Koori and that pink princess. But Rize...

 _Just wait._ He'll unleash the only part of Rize that he can have soon enough. A few more minutes. "Your king isn't here."

"Isn't my king," says Marude.

"Bite your tongue," snaps Eto. He narrows his eyes.

"You killed my father and grandfather—"

"Technically V killed them," Furuta opines, but the sword swishes towards his throat. "Okay, okay. He was _my_ brother and my father." The pain's lessening. He blinks away water.

"Is that supposed to make me feel any better?" Matsuri erupted.

Fury bubbles. Furuta grits his teeth. "Your grandfather was a brutal rapist who got Arima and myself through forcing himself on women he never let seen the sun!"

"Yoshitoki was trying to help Ihei and Ui—" Arima starts.

"He didn't take enough precautions; Tsuneyoshi still sent assassins after them! You should be thanking me for warning them."

Matsuri kicks him.

 _Burn in hell._ "Is that the best you can do?" Furuta wheezes. "You are a ghoul too. And a murderer. If you were to have just succeeded Yoshitoki, you'd be the exact same as Tsuneyoshi. And Yoshitoki would have been too. You were all trapped and happy to go along in this sick carousal of a world—and you, Arima, you're blind, you're useless, you're dying!"

"He's blind, he's dying, but he's not useless!" Eto yells. She grasps Arima's arm.

"You're just as bad," Furuta says, blood surging inside him "You just—wanted to take out your revenge on the world. That's all. None of you actually want to improve it or care about that, you have no plans for what comes after—"

"And you do?" demands Marude. Arima launches himself forward, grasping Furuta by his chin. His eyes focus on Furuta's forehead.

Furuta smiles, but Arima's grip hurts. "Why even are you upset, Matsuri? Is it just because you couldn't do what your dad wanted for you? Is it because there was something left unsaid between you? Like why you weren't having children with poor beautiful dead Iyo? It's not a surprise you're disappointing him."

"Bullshit," says Arima, still holding on. "Yoshitoki—loved you, Matsuri. He told me so. Many times."

Matsuri's eyes water.

_Thump._

"Can ghouls love?" mocks Furuta. "Did he know? Or did he die alone and in fear that his son was a major disa—"

"Shut up," Arima tells Furuta, grip tightening. "Matsuri—he knew. He knew about you and Iyo. He tried to hide it from your grandfather. He loved you, Matsuri."

 _Thump_.

"Well damn," comments Eto.

Of course Yoshitoki loved his son. Furuta feels as if his heart's beating inside a hollow chamber. It's much too loud. _Shut up!_ he yells internally. "Look out," he warns. _Oh, you can't look. Oops._

Arima dives down as Furuta's kagune, Rize's kagune, shoots out. Eto's ukaku bursts forth, but he's already diving out the window, freefalling towards the ground. _Fuck you all!_

He has to get to the Oggai, get them to invade. Now.

* * *

"You're _definitely_ loopy," Hairu comments, her hand on the back of his neck.

"I am not." Ui tries to sit up straight. His breath catches. "I want to find Masanori." His son must be so scared. Even murderers can save. They're all murderers. Still alive though. He hums the lullaby he taught Hairu to sing to Masanori. Juuzou looks at him like he's grown three heads. "Fuck off, Suzuya."

Hirako pulls up to the side of the street, and then tries to back up and parallel park. Juuzou, Hairu, and Ui all yell. "Okay, okay!"

Hairu leads the way. Her shoulders hunch, and Ui knows she's terrified. He lopes after her, his hand reaching out to brush the back of her elbow. She smiles at him.

They descend down a staircase. Up ahead, Ui hears shouts. Hairu picks up pace, running now, through a maze of tunnels, taking a left and then a right and climbing stairs now, and a left again, and another left, and then she reaches a door, bashed in.

A kagune surges right past Hairu's head. She dives to the ground. Ui shouts.

They're surrounded by flowers. It smells like lilacs, and lilies, and roses. Flowers bloom everywhere, covering the ground. The smell is overwhelming. Ui coughs.

And another smell cuts through it. Blood.

Crimson soaks the flowers. Saiko faces off with another ghoul, a man who looks as if his face was created by pasting metal together except the metal is flesh. Hsiao stumbles back, a wound to her abdomen.

"Fuck!" Ui races to Hsiao. He's not able to fight right now.

"Will—heal," Hsiao gasps out. "Just need to—wait."

 _That's right; you're a half-ghoul too. And a Quinx._ Ui grabs her quinque and aims them. Even with one arm, he hurls them at a man in a long black cloak racing for Hairu.

"You traitor bitch!" shouts one of the men to Hairu.

 _Oh hell no_. Ui glares. Saiko sends his face caving in.

"He's not here, Hairu!" calls Hsiao, getting to her knees and wincing. She doubles over. Ui grasps her shoulder. "Ui—Masanori—is not here. We looked. I know where to look, I asked the kids, he's not here!"

"Not—" Hairu looks as if she's going to be sick. Ui releases Hsiao and stomps over these godforsaken flowers. "He's _got to be!"_

Hirako curses, glaring around this place, a floral hell.

"I'll go back to the hospital," declares Juuzou. "I don't care if the staff will think we're monsters—I'd have to go back anyway for Shinohara—"

"Are you insane?" gasps Hsiao. "Suzuya, Shinohara's _dead_."

_What?_

The flowers suddenly seem like they're mocking Ui.

"Liar!" Juuzou leaps at her.

"It's true!" shouts Hanbee, lunging and catching Juuzou. He struggles, flailing, heels landing in the taller boy's knees, thighs. Hanbee grunts.

"Furuta recommended we not tell you," Nakarai says.

"Fuck you!"

Hanbee lets Juuzou go. His hands tremble as he clutches Jason, glaring at them all. His eyes widen and brighten. "He's not dead—he's not, he's not!"

"Furuta cut medical funding when he made edits to the budget," Hanbee whispers, clearly ashamed.

"There's one other place where they might have taken Masanori," says Hsiao in a low voice. "Kanou's lab—they were doing experiments—he mentioned it to me—the Oggai were—to get life—make life—"

"From what?" screams Hairu. Ui glares at Hsiao.

"I don't know! He was interested in our bodies—"

Ui spots a small child, clad in a white robe and black pants, peering out from behind a tree.

"I'm going," Hairu declares, voice wobbling. Ui nods. Hirako too. Saiko helps Hsiao up.

"We can't leave this place undefended," Hsiao rasps.

"Call the ghouls," says Hirako. "There are plenty who will come." Naki. Fueguchi. Kirishima.

Juuzou drops to his knees and screams.

"Get up!" orders Nakarai.

Juuzou shakes his head. "I have—nothing left to fight for."

A sob echoes. Hanbee looks past Juuzou to see the small child bawling into his hands.

"They need to be protected," Hairu says.

As for what will happen afterwards to them, to any of them, she has no idea.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

"How much pain are you in?" Hairu demands as they crowd into the car. She's terrified for him. She just got him back. He loves her. He knows she loves him.

"Not much," Ui wheezes, skin gray and with beads of sweat sliding down his face. Hsiao seems to be okay, though she's curled up against Saiko and panting. Saiko smoothes her hair.

"You fucking liar." Hairu wishes Banjou was around. They might need him. She holds Ui against her, squeezing his waist. _I never want to let you go._ She can't imagine what Ui must have gone through when he thought she was dead. No wonder he was so angry. He loves her so much. He gives her light. He's not her life, but he's shown her how to live.

"You're one to talk," Ui manages. Hairu presses her lips against his temple and squeezes her eyes shut. She just wants to be safe again. All of them, safe again, together. Make the most of the life she has left to live.

"Eating flesh won't help him, will it?" asks Hirako.

Ui cringes. Hairu shakes her head.

"I'm _getting_ our son," Ui grinds out. "No matter what."

A figure clad in black leaps at their car as they pull up. Hirako curses. Ui gasps. "Takizawa!"

The door is yanked open. Kurona peers in at her. "We heard it was time to take some revenge on Kanou." Her rinkaku surges.

"Great," ekes out Hairu, sliding out of the car. She turns to help Ui out. A small girl with dark hair stands between Takizawa and Kurona. Grave Robber, Hairu remembers.

"They're with you?" Hsiao gasps out as Saiko pulls her out.

"Yeah," says Hairu. _We're working with ghouls._

"Let's kick Dr. Frankenstein's ass," Saiko vows grimly.

"Priority is getting Masanori out," Hirako says. Kurona nods. Hairu tries to catch Takizawa's gaze, but he avoids it. He chews his lip, but doesn't offer any contradiction.

They enter the building that reeks of cleaning fluid. An illusion really. Nothing about this place is clean. It's all drenched in blood. Takizawa covers his nose, looking like he's about to gag. He trembles. Kurona sets her jaw, swallowing hard. Tanks bubble and rest. Hairu shivers.

The light flicks on. Hairu whirls. Kanou stands there, eyes wide in surprise.

"I hope you're ready to die, you crazy mad scientist," Kurona spits. Takizawa stiffens, and Hairu recognizes the look on his face. Kanou's a monster who haunts his dreams.

And somewhere in the building, a baby cries. Hairu jumps. _Where? Where are you?_

"You don't concern me. You're a floppy." Kanou focuses on Takizawa. "My perfect—"

Takizawa flinches. Hairu wants to kill Kanou herself. _What have you done to my baby?_

"He's not yours," snarls Kurona. Takizawa's ukaku emerges, and Grave Robber's bikaku.

"What did you do to my son?" demands Ui. "I swear to God, Kanou, if you hurt—"

"Just blood tests." Kanou holds up his hands.

"Fuck you," seethes Takizawa.

The baby cries again, and Hairu can't take it anymore. She remembers crying alone, making sure no one heard her tears, only once or twice because there was no point: she grew up knowing no one would come. She runs to her left, down the hallway. _Masanori, I'm coming!_

"We'll hold them off," yells Takizawa. "Go!" The three ghouls circle the scientist. Hirako follows Hairu, with Ui.

"I'm trying to help you!" Kanou bellows, throwing his hands in the air. "Without me, you'll die in ten or twenty years, right Ihei? I can save your life—and your son's!"

Hairu skids to a stop. Her heart pounds. Ui gapes.

A smile curves Kanou's lips. "That's what I'm working on. Research for—"

Masanori lets out another cry. _He's here._

 _I can't wait, because he's alive today, and I need to keep him that way._ Hairu runs away from Kanou, from his promises. Her throat aches.

"We'll take the lower floor!" Hsiao calls.

* * *

"Time to protect brats who want to kill us," says Nishiki. "Just how I wanted to spend my day. Let's go."

"Is Kaneki getting his ass in gear?" asks Karren, brushing her hair back from her eyes.

Tsukiyama nods.

"You must be so proud."

Tsukiyama snorts. "You have no reason to feel jealous, _ma chère_."

"I'm not. I'm just annoyed." Karren sighs. She hopes Hairu and Ui find Masanori. They better. _Don't leave that child alone in the world._ It's agonizing.

They arrive at an abandoned warehouse, where supposedly the Quinx have gathered the Oggai. "We should stay outside," Nishiki says. "Since I don't think they'll take well to smelling ghouls."

Miza and the Three Blades, as well as Naki and the White Suits, agree.

 _Little brats who want to kill us. Just because of what we were born as._ Karren hunches her shoulders. Most of them are orphans who probably lost their parents to ghouls. Karren wonders if it's any different. Screaming and running because your parents are about to be skewered and turned into a weapon to kill others like you, and screaming and running because your parents are about to be eaten.

 _How can any of us live differently?_ All she knows is that being alone in the world sucks. But Shuu's here, next to her, and he smiles at her. She's not alone. Not anymore. She lets out her breath. Pink dawn glows above them, blooming over the sky. The alleyway is damp and grimy, but Karren doesn't care. Her mask and Shuu's new one match in some ways.

 _We both know what it's like to lose everyone_. It shouldn't matter. Shuu's here. She should forget that gnawing, aching pain of being alone.

The door to the warehouse creaks open. Karren's rinkaku and Shuu's koukaku burst forth.

"Don't you fucking dare!" snaps the bastard Quinx with purple hair and two moles and a deep, deep scowl. Behind him, the green one whom Karren most definitely recognizes from the auction stumbles out, eye wide and lips pressed together.

"What are you doing?" Karren snaps. "We were told to back you up, so we're here."

"Well, good, but we've got a problem!" retorts Purple.

Green— _Mutsuki_ —wrings his shirt. "Hajime's missing."

The stupid kid they caught. Not the stupid one. The brilliant one, really. The kid who looked at ghouls how she used to look at Kaneki.

"Once a traitor, always a traitor," grouses Shuu. Karren jabs him with her elbow. "Ow!"

"He probably went to find Furuta on his own," Mutsuki says. "I—"

"I'll find him," Purple—Urie—assures him. He puts his hand on Mutsuki's shoulder. Mutsuki looks up at him, surprised.

 _Fuck._ The gnawing feeling bites down on her. "No," Karren says. "I'll go."

"What?" snaps Shuu.

"We met in the hideout," Karren says. "He'll remember me, considering the fact that I ripped that transmitter out of his tongue. I'll find him." And then—what? She doesn't know. Help him kill Furuta? But Karren has no beef with Furuta. She has Shuu. She's okay. _What, do you not trust me, Urie?_

 _Karren, run!_ Father? Mother? Nathanael? Arunolt? She doesn't recognize their voices anymore.

"Why—" starts Urie. Karren sniffs the air and frowns.

Of course he doesn't. Of course he still thinks she's just a fucking ghoul. Well, she doesn't care. "I know how he feels," Karren snarls, looking to Shuu. And Ui Koori is the one responsible for the Tsukiyama Raid, the one that makes Shuu able to understand too. And yet they're trying to save his son. _I'm not okay._ "I can get him. And I won't eat him, though, I should mention, you don't smell particularly human yourself."

Urie blanches.

"Are you?" Karren croons.

"I'm not like you!"

"Can you eat a sandwich for me?" Karren prompts.

"There's nothing around, you fucking—"

"Please—bring him back safe!" interjects Mutsuki. He looks at Karren, lips trembling. "Please." Urie looks at Mutsuki, and his face crumples.

Karren nods. "I will."

Shuu grabs her shoulder. "Karren?"

She looks up at him, and she knows she can't disguise it on her face. All those years she slaved as a servant instead of as a niece. _You were kind to me_. Shuu's kindness pulled her back to life, but the loneliness still burns. Hajime—he's lost. No one's reaching for him.

"Go," Shuu tells her, voice thick. His hand brushes her face. "And come back, okay? Promise me."

"I will."

* * *

" _Masanori!"_ Hairu screams. Ui, too, screams. She can hear her son. He's wailing. Her breasts ache.

"This way!" Hirako barks, darting down a narrow hallway. He pauses outside an office. The crying's louder.

"Back up," Hirako says gruffly.

Hairu backs up with him, gesturing for Ui to wait. She and Hirako both launch themselves at the door. It splinters, bursting open. Hairu tumbles to the ground. An infant's scream reaches her ears.

 _Masanori!_ Hairu looks up to see a girl wearing a lab coat, auburn hair tied back, trying to feed a shrieking Masanori a bottle.

"Get away from my son!" Ui shouts, and then almost falls over. Hirako grabs him. Hairu scrambles to her feet. She readies her fist.

"He's your son?" cries out the woman.

"Give him back!" Hairu screeches, and then she decks her, and Hirako wrenches Masanori out of the woman's arms. She tumbles backwards over a chair, slamming into the floor. She rubs her jaw, looking up at them. Hairu flings herself at Hirako, taking Masanori.

Ui's crying again, rubbing their son's head, assuring him. "You're all right, Masanori, you're all right, we've got you."

"He's—yours?" wheezes the woman.

Masanori squalls, face red. His arms flail. Hairu unbuttons her blouse. Hirako turns away, swearing. Masanori latches on, and tears fall from Hairu's eyes. Her son sobs, but drinks. Ui turns on the woman, ready to kill.

The woman's hands fly up in front of her face. "Kanou said he was an orphan—"

"Who the hell _are_ you?" Ui demands.

"Nishino Kimi—I'm a scientist—"

Shock bites Hairu. "Nishio Nishiki's girlfriend!" she shouts.

Kimi blinks. "You know him?"

Ui still has murder in his eyes. "You were experimenting on my—"

She shakes her head. Papers lay strewn all over the floor, and a tranquil ocean screensaver blinks over a laptop resting on the desk. An infant carrier and a small blanket sits on the floor, next to a pile of books. "I wasn't! I told Kanou to _stop_ drawing blood—I was feeding him and changing him—"

"Why are you here?" Hairu demands. "You loved a ghoul—"

"Huh?" asks Ui.

"Figures," says Hirako, still facing away from them. "Are you decent yet?"

"Get over yourself."

"We're trying to solve it! So ghouls can—eat human food—" Kimi wrings her hands.

"So you're experimenting on babies?" Hairu screams. "My parentage doesn't make me or my son your test subject!"

"I didn't!"

"I don't even care!" Hairu cries out. "I don't care that Karren or Touka or Kaneki have to eat humans! I don't want people to die—but I don't care—I can't fault them; it's not bad to want to be alive—"

"I agree," Kimi says, hauling herself to her feet. Her breath catches. "I just—if I solve it—we can be together again—"

"You can be anyways," Hairu snaps. "Koori loves me—I don't have to eat flesh, but when I did—if I did—he'd stick around." She knows he would.

Ui swallows. He nods.

"How sweet," comes a bitter voice.

Hirako gasps. Hairu doubles over, shielding her baby.

 _Furuta_.

* * *

"Where will you go from here? Do you even have a plan?" Furuta demands. He doesn't understand. He doesn't. Why does this pink princess get everything? Why can't she see that no matter where she and her beloved prince and her squalling brat run to, they'll never be safe? _We have to fix the world!_

"Like we'd tell you," rasps Ui, pallor gray. Princess stands with her side twisted away from him. Hirako Blankface glares at him, and that scientist looks at him in confusion. No anger. She doesn't know whom he is, or doesn't care, the bitch.

 _I'm not notable._ "I could save all of your lives!" Furuta chokes out. "Hers! Your baby's!" _Mine._

"Fuck you," say Ihei. "Through science?"

"Through—" _Dragon_.

"Your life is over," Hirako informs him, advancing with his quinque. "I'm sick of listening to you try to explain your way out of—"

"He's always been a snake," Hairu adds.

Furuta chokes on his laughter. He remembers the Garden. He remembers his promise to Rize. _I won't let them hurt you_. They looked at him not like a snake, which at least commands some respect, but rather like a worm, worth nothing except to wallow in the dirt

"Is Rize here?" Hairu demands.

 _I love you,_ he wanted to shout after her as she disappeared that night. _I love you, Riz_ e.

" _You miss her?" asked Hairu a few days afterwards, wrinkling her nose. "Why?"_

" _I love her," he said to Hairu, and that's when Hairu laughed and several other boys overheard and came to beat him._

"I know you made the Oggai from her," Hairu says, lips curling. "And you made yourself into a ghoul."

"You're—"

"I _know_ I'm a ghoul!" Hairu shouts. "I know it, Furuta! Okay? I'm a ghoul, and I'm a murderer. But _you_ are a monster. Karren isn't. Touka isn't. I _have been_ , but I don't want to be anymore. You are, still, because you want to be."

 _Well, good._ Furuta's words vanish, leaving his chest hollow. _Why you—why are you the one who found love? I gave everything for it. Everything. Everything. Rize... Tsuneyoshi... Yoshitoki... I never stood out, not to any of them._

"What did you do to her?" Hairu cries. "She—deserves to be free. She doesn't deserve whatever you've done to her, Furuta." Ui narrows his eyes, wavering on his feet behind her.

"That's a change," Furuta snarls. _You hypocrite. He's missing an arm, and you don't care. I'm whole. Why does no one care?_

"More so than farming the girl you claimed you loved?" Hairu glares, her son sleepy against her chest. Nishino and Ui both stand behind her. "You never really loved her, did you? You just saw her as a thing that could benefit you. You wanted her in exchange for giving her freedom from the Sunlit Garden, but you never really wanted to give her freedom—you wanted her for yourself."

"I wanted—" He hates this woman. She doesn't understand anything. And yet she's loved, so much, and she gets to love, and it's so goddamn fucking unfair. "I wanted her to save the world. The Oggai—they'll bring about Dragon."

Hairu's face caves in. She understands. She remembers that story, the one they listened to amid cicadas humming, the one she plucked the petals off a tulip as she listened to and then made a rose a dragon and pretended to have it eat one of her friends. " _Tell it again! Tell it again!"_ She was stuck in the pretend, in the fairy tale, and Furuta wanted to bring it to life.

"Not at the expense of so many lives," Hairu says. Her voice trembles. "It's not worth it."

_Fuck!_

It's not going to happen, is it?

He won't win.

There will never be a fairytale.

Their teachers were right.

Furuta turns and runs.

* * *

"Let's go," says Ui. "We have to get out of here, Hairu." Pain runs through him like centipedes crawling through his limbs, even the one that isn't there anymore. They have Masanori. That's all that matters.

"Wait," says Nishino, reaching for Hairu's sleeve as she buttons up her blouse. "You—Nishiki—"

"Come with us," Hairu invites.

Nishino bites her lip. "I can't."

"Well, we can't wait for you," Hirako says, looking to Ui and Hairu. Ui nods, darting towards the door. They run in the opposite direction of Furuta. Shouts and screams echo—Ui hears Takizawa's rasp, Kurona's growl. They're okay.

 _I care about them._ Ui hesitates.

"You can't do anything without an arm!" Hirako barks, shoving him in the shoulder.

Ui nods. He races across the tiled floor. Masanori's crying again. Hairu's pink hair flies around her face. Sunrise, purple and golden and magenta, seeps through the window. Blood and sweat and determination shine on Hairu.

 _You came for me._ Part of him wants to lecture her for her irresponsible disregard for her own safety, but she came. She really does love him. And she's saving them. _You're the opposite of a monster._

Several thick tanks line the walls. Ui avoids looking too closely at them. Dawn ignites the light trailing over the floors, a blood-red color cut apart by shadows. The sound of glass shattering erupts. Ui skids to a stop.

"What's that?" Hairu asks, slowing. Masanori whimpers. Hirako clutches his quinque.

A creature bursts out of the left tank. Ui leaps in front of Hairu and the baby, but Christ, he forgot he doesn't have an arm. Hirako swings his quinque. The creature dodges, landing on his knees and glancing up at them.

"Sh—" Ui can't even finish.

It's not possible.

It can't be possible. His mouth hangs open.

"Shirazu?" Hairu croaks out.

"You're dead!" insists Hirako, weapon trembling in his hands. "It can't be—this can't—"

Shirazu's kakugan glows. He lurches at them. "I don't want to—I have to," he manages. "Sorry, Ihei."

Hirako jumps in front of both Ui and Hairu. "Get out of here!"

"But you—" Ui starts.

"To hell with me. Go." Hirako looks over his shoulder at them. "You have something else to protect right now."

Masanori sniffles. Ui gulps. He meets Hairu's eyes.

She nods.

 _Hirako…_ Ui can't move. He can't leave his friend. _We are friends, aren't we?_ But they've never used that term for each other. At least Ui's never used it. But Hirako came when he and Hairu fought. He came even though Ui abandoned him.

"Don't wait," Hirako says, face as calm as ever as he levels his quinque. "Run, Koori."

Ui wishes he could meet Hirako's eyes, but he's focused on Shirazu. "Thank you," Ui manages.

"You're a good friend," Hirako says. "Now, _go."_

Hairu reaches for Ui's hand with one of her own, pulling him along. The sound of a fight clashes, and Ui turns to look over his shoulder.

"Shirazu!" screams a voice.

Yonebayashi. And Hsiao.

Ui exhales. There's hope, then—hope for—what even is this place, reviving the—

Hairu halts. Ui slams into her. He focuses on two men staring up at them from the bottom of the black stairs. Draped in trenchcoats, the men's gaze latch onto Masanori.

"V," Hairu whispers.

* * *

_Where are you, you little brat?_

Karren rounds the corner in the lab to find Kanou somehow holding his own against three ghouls. Hakatori lies on the ground, wheezing. Kurona and Takizawa appear to be trying not to use their kakujas, but they'll have to.

_We always become what we're most afraid of._

Karren can't help them. She turns to run down the hallway. She needs to find that brat. And she's betting he's wherever—

She spots a dark figure ahead. Furuta. That bastard. Karren lets out a growl. Furuta leans against a tank, his palms pressed flat, covering the face of whoever's inside.

He spots her and turns, revealing a beautiful, purple-haired woman floating, mouth open in a silent scream. A kagune bursts from Furuta's back. The same one as fucking Kaneki's. _Oh, come the fuck on! For real?_

"Two rinkakus," mocks Furuta, stumbling towards her. He doesn't appear to be injured, though. His eyes are wild, unfocused. His lips flap. "You—"

"Who was she?" Karren asks, nodding towards the tank. She steps to the side, neither of them lashing out just yet. "The one whose face you couldn't bear to see."

Furuta's eyes narrow. His rinkaku surges, teeth gnashing at her. Karren dodges. She can't fail. She promised Shuu. And he loves her. She has a future.

His kagune cuts her hand. Karren cusses. Blood drips. She nicks Furuta in the thigh and he grunts.

"I know you," he says, rinkaku billowing red over his face. "You're the Tsukiyamas' servant."

"I am not!"

"You were," he taunts. He knocks her down this time, and she kicks out. He gasps as she cuts his arm. "And yet you're fighting for them—why? Weren't you their nephew?"

Karren dodges another blow. She wipes her own blood over her mouth, swallowing it for strength. It doesn't taste like roses. She remembers Arunolt tricking her and telling her the reason they had that last name was because their blood tasted like roses and was sold as special wines. Karren's parents found her pricking her finger like Sleeping Beauty and Arunolt was grounded for the rest of that week. But oh, he laughed, and she told him he was a liar. Karren's lungs throb. She lunges—and misses. _Fuck!_ "You don't know—what you're talking about!"

"Oh, don't I? Was it really all to protect you, or were you just an inconvenience?"

"Are you even talking about me?" Karren snarls, turning around. Her kakugans must be blazing.

"Aren't you angry?"

"No!" she screams. She remembers Eto. She remembers the thread. Karren balls her fists, lashing out. He cuts through her kagune. She gasps. _I'm not angry! I'm not!_

Shuu, coming home from school in his fancy uniform. Shuu, reading her books of poetry as she wished at the start of every year Mirumo would send her too. Shuu, teaching her about gourmet flavors. Shuu, moaning and unable to recover no matter how much she loved him.

_Why?_

_Mirumo, why?_

_Was my mother so awful? Why didn't you love me?_

_I wanted your praise. I wanted your love—your love too._

"Liar," Furuta taunts, and his voice sounds so much like Eto now that Karren would love to lop off his head. "Even now—"

"Shut up!"

"No, I—"

"He loves me!" she interrupts. "Shuu. He loves me."

Furuta actually pauses for a moment, but only to laugh.

 _That's sad._ Karren narrows her eyes. "And I _am_ angry." Fuck Mirumo for treating her like shit. But—she loves Shuu. He tried. He did his best, and when he didn't, he's doing his best now. She's not ashamed to say it. "I'm Karren von Rosewald."

"So what?" asks Furuta.

A kagune bursts through his midsection. Furuta gasps. Blood trickles out from his lips. Karren's eyes widen.

The kagune— _another_ fucking carbon copy of Kaneki's—retracts. Furuta stumbles to the side, and Hazuki Hajime prepares the final blow. "You fucking _ghoul!"_

_If I was stronger, I could have killed them._

_If they were still here…_

They aren't. Shuu is.

"Stop!" Karren throws herself at this kid. She grabs him in an embrace. Furuta leans against the wall, hacking as he clutches his abdomen.

Hajime turns his kagune on her, but as powerful as he is, she's far more experienced, and Eto left her with something of a gift. Karren holds on, bleeding, stomach searing in pain. " _Let me go!"_ Hajime screams. "He—he's a ghoul—my parents—you killed—you _were working with them!"_ His mouth opens in rage.

Karren holds on, digging in her grip. _You're not this_.

Except, he already is. The Oggai have slaughtered countless children, and mothers. But wouldn't she have done the same, if she could have, back in Germany?

They treated her terribly, but they took her in.

"I'm not going to let you," Karren snaps. _You don't have to keep doing this._

Hajime elbows her in the ribs. He kicks. He throws his head back into her neck. She gags. "Someone needs to pay! Someone needs to—my parents— _Mommy!"_ The shrill cry echoes off the ceiling.

 _Not you. I'm not letting you pay. Not like I did_. Karren's abdomen is already healing. She squeezes tighter. _I'm not letting you go._

"Please!"

She shakes her head. "You're— _Hajime_ —"

He grunts.

"They're not coming back!" Karren finally wheezes.

Hajime shrieks as if she dumped scalding tea down his neck _. "Shut up!"_

"Hazuki," comes a voice from behind them.

Karren turns. She spots—Kaneki. Wearing his ghoul mask. "I never thought I'd see the day when I was happy to see you," she pants.

Kaneki crouches down in front of Hajime. Fat teardrops run down the kid's face. "Go with Karren."

"But he—" Hajime glares. Furuta staggers down the hall, back towards that goddamned tube. "He's getting away!"

"I won't let him get away," Kaneki promises, this time placing his palm against Hajime's sticky cheek. "Okay, Hajime? Go with Karren."

Hajime stills. He looks up at Karren, and she sees herself when she arrived at the Tsukiyamas, calling herself Kanae.

_Don't lie to yourself, kid._

_You don't have to._

Karren eases her grip on him. She steps back, and holds out her hand.

Glass cracks. Karren turns just as Hajime takes her hand.

Furuta smashes the glass of the tank holding the girl with purple hair.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! One more chapter after this one.

"Go back!" Ui wrenches Hairu back with him. Masanori screams. Hairu stumbles as they race down the only other hallway. Footsteps echo on the stairs behind them. Hairu clings to her baby. She just got him back. She just got Ui back. She can't let them hurt them. She thinks of what Ui said in the car. _We're murderers._ But Masanori's not. And she won't let him become one, as much as she can prevent it. Not a murderer of humans. Not a murderer of ghouls.

They're gaining. Hairu wheezes. Ui keeps up. She wheels around a corner. "We can't—outrun them!" Terror fills her. _I love them._

"We have to!" Ui's gasping. His face looks gray. Blood leaks through his bandages. Crimson drips down his side. He's shaking.

They have to make it. Masanori has to live. Melon Bun. She ate flesh to keep him alive. Her body split in pain bringing him into the world. She loves him. He exists because Ui loves her.

She's a murderer, but he gave her a second chance. He's warm against her chest. He's crying.

She remembers Kaneki telling her about Kuzen and Ukina. She remembers Eto. _What did you fail at?_

Hairu's breaths scrape at her throat. She can't fail.

The footsteps echo. Closer. She looks at Ui again. He stumbles, but keeps going. For her. For Melon Bun. He's weak though. He's slow.

A blush of blue appears on the horizon. Hairu stops. She shakes her head.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Ui shouts.

She shoves Masanori into his one arm. "I'll buy time."

"What?" Ui yells.

She looks over her shoulder at him. Tears burn in her eyes. "I have a better chance than you do of making it." She has no intention of dying. Not until they cut every last drop of life from her.

But she has a better chance of surviving than Ui does in his current state.

"You don't have a quinque!"

 _Shut up!_ "I have my body!" The body that's half ghoul, half human. Ui would have no chance in his current shape. Not that she has much of one. But she does have one. That small percentage. And small percentages of success have never hindered her from trying before. Not when she was murdering. And now she's trying to live.

She remembers something Mado Kureo once said. To keep fighting no matter what you lost. _You'll do that, won't you, Ui?_ For their son. Hairu throws herself at him and kisses his lips, savoring his taste. She doesn't say she loves him. He knows it. And she shoves him away from her.

Hairu turns around to face the approaching V agents. Dark coats flap behind them. Their beady eyes focus on her. She doesn't have a weapon. Except herself. The weapon they tried to form, at first not the weapon they wanted, and then not quite what they expected, but a weapon nonetheless.

"You little slut," one of the men says to her, voice soft.

_We can't let you go unpunished._

She heard them once. She was eight. She remembered one of the older boys caught having sex with one of the girls under the rose bushes. The girl had thorns in her back. The boy pleaded. She never saw them again.

_I'll never see Koori again unless I fight. Or Masanori._

_Yes, I will._ Even if she loses. _They'll remember me_. Hairu tenses.

Footsteps echo behind her. Hairu panics now. "Go—you're supposed to go!"

"No," come a voice she wasn't expecting, not in a million years, not in her wildest dreams. Hairu turns around. Eto glares at her. " _You're_ supposed to go."

And behind her, Arima strides forward, clutching a sword. Not a quinque. Hairu's jaw hangs open. "Run, Hairu," he says, and as he looks in her direction, he smiles. His gaze isn't on her, but it's meant for her. "There are people ahead who will help you. Ghouls, and humans."

"We're here to save the motherfucking day," Eto says sarcastically, kakuja overtaking her.

 _Live_. When there's nothing else left. It's what she wants. For Melon Bun. For Ui. For her mother whose face she never knew, for the kids who died in the Garden, for her own fucking self. Hairu turns and runs. She flies down the hallway and bursts into the other stairwell. He's waiting for her inside the stairwell, bouncing Masanori even though he looks like he's about to pass out.

"I saw them," Ui gasps out. "Coming."

Masanori cries. Hairu leans down and kisses his forehead, and then wraps an arm around Ui. She presses her face against his chest. "Let's go."

* * *

Ui pounds down the stairs. Masanori's in Hairu's arms again. She's with him. She's alive.

In those moments, he couldn't bear the thought of not seeing her again. He wanted to run back, throw himself in front of her, give her Masanori and tell her to go. He'd definitely die, but that didn't scare him. Leaving Hairu alone did. And Masanori gurgled, and Ui remembered again, as he has ever since Masanori's both, that his son is his priority.

And she's back. She's still here. If there's a God out there, Ui thanks him. He thanks Eto and Arima.

The door flings open. Ui jumps in front of Hairu.

But Hirako staggers in, head bloodied, but okay. Hsiao slings him over her shoulder. Hirako blinks at them. "You two aren't—"

"Where's Saiko?" cries out Hairu.

Hsiao jerks her thumb. Ui peers through the doorway to see Saiko circling Shirazu, lecturing him. He remembers what he overheard Saiko telling Mutsuki about Shirazu.

"Take him," Hsiao orders, shoving Hirako at Hairu and Ui. Hairu tries to support Hirako and the baby. Ui takes their son, and Hsiao jogs back.

_They're dating now, aren't they?_

He wonders how Hsiao feels as she takes out a needle.

"This worked on Urie," grunts Saiko, and she flings herself at Shirazu, wrapping him in an embrace. She shoves her chest in his face. "Saiko loves you, Shirazu." Her breath catches, and she draws back, and Ui can see that she's crying. "Saiko loves you. Saiko loves you. So much."

Hsiao stands silently, watching.

Shirazu reaches his hand up, caressing her face. Saiko smiles. Tears fall onto his fingers. "Remember when we played video games and you couldn't beat that one level? I beat it last month, Shiragin. Mucchanko helped me."

"Mutsuki—"

"He's gonna be okay," Saiko assures him. "He's—and Urie's—Sasaki—we've all had a really rough time of it, Shirazu."

"S—" Shirazu shakes his head. "Haru—I don't want—this life is—worse than hers—not life—"

Hsiao snaps into gear. She runs at him, needle raised. It plunges into his neck. Hairu winces.

"Lock him in a tank," croaks Hirako. "For now."

Tears run down Saiko's face. She nods.

"I'll do it," Hsiao says, hauling the unconscious, undead Shirazu towards a tank.

 _This is wrong,_ Ui thinks. So wrong, to disturb the dead like this, turn them into a weapon.

"He'll die again without his medicine," says Hsiao. "Like Okahira said."

Saiko wipes at her cheeks. "But—I—he—"

 _You loved him. You love him._ Ui swallows. If it was Hairu… He'd feed her whatever medicine he could.

"Keep him alive," Saiko begs. "For now—and then—after Mucchy and Uri come—we'll say goodbye." She covers her face. Sobs wrack her small frame.

Hsiao hesitates as she locks the tank, and then she puts her hand on Saiko's shoulder. Saiko turns and presses her face into Hsiao's chest, crying, and Hsiao wraps her arms around Saiko, holding her.

 _She loves Shirazu, and now she loves you_. Ui thinks of Arima. He swallows.

A bloodcurdling scream ricochets through the halls. Grave Robber and Kurona whirl around the corner, both of them with kagunes out and ready.

"Who was that?" yells Ui.

"No idea!" Kurona shouts.

"Takizawa?" Hairu cries.

"Here," grunts a voice. Hairu blinks. Ui's eyes pop when he sees Akira rounding the corner with Amon. Takizawa's arms are slung over both of them. One of his legs dangles.

"I can regenerate, you idiots," Takizawa mumbles.

"Kanou?" croaks Hairu.

"Imprisoned in his own tank," Takizawa says, a note of satisfaction in his voice.

"Took all five of us," says Grave Robber. "I thought we were all gonna die until these two showed up."

"Takizawa is the one who locked him in," Amon says quietly. "We didn't do much."

Takizawa's brow furrows.

Another scream, and this one both Ui and Hairu recognize. " _Karren!"_

Takizawa curses. Hairu snorts, and Ui remembers her story about him fighting Karren to kill her. And Ui's legs are already moving, moving with this whole group of Quinxes and half-humans and half-ghouls and humans and they're not going to let Karren die. Tsukiyama would probably flambé Ui if that were to happen.

When he stumbles around a corner though, he sees Karren with her arms wrapped around a screaming kid, shielding him. A bite mark oozes in Karren's arm. The kid's sobbing. And a woman with long purple hair, beautiful, leans over Furuta, now missing an arm, because she's eating it. Blood pulls under him, and Furuta laughs maniacally.

* * *

Everything hurts.

Everything's always hurt, of course, but now it's physical. Furuta can barely keep from screaming. The laughing takes up all of his oxygen. _You finally got your wish, Rize._

She throws his arm down. "Tastes like shit!"

And there it is. Her words cut through his laugh. Furuta gags.

Of course, there's an audience. There always was, in all of his dreams. But he still feels so, so alone. Rize leans over him, eyes deranged, unfocused. She's ranting, making no sense.

"Why?" Furuta croaks, and he doesn't want to say it, shouldn't say it, but he has to, it's coming out without him even wanting to because it's the question that burned at him like acid for years and years and years. "I—helped you escape—"

Rize snickers, blood spewing from her mouth. His blood. Maybe. He can't tell. "I—" Her gaze suddenly focuses on him, for a second. She reaches down and runs her sticky fingers down his cheeks. "Nimura."

He doesn't know what to say. His heart beats wildly. _I miss you._

_I always missed you._

_Rize._

"I loved—but there was no way to help you—they'd kill me—you were safer—without—" Rize gurgles. "You never—came—"

 _What?_ Furuta shakes his head wildly. His hair slides in blood. "No—not—you—fucking—"

She leans down and bites into his shoulder. He screams now.

_But you loved—you said—you lie—you—_

Rize suddenly lets out a groan. Her body, thin, goes limp, her head against his neck. Furuta groans in pain.

And someone drags her off. That scientist. Nishino Kimi, holding a syringe of RC suppressant.

Footsteps echo. Furuta turns to see Kaneki Ken standing there, finally, and Matsuri, the bastard, Arima, and a satisfied Eto. Arima and Eto are splattered in blood. Mado, and Amon.

_Happy to see me go, bitch?_

_She said she loved me._

_Once._

It wasn't a total waste then, his life. Furuta watches as Nishino drags Rize away from him, unconscious. Blood trickles from her lips. "Can you—save her?"

Nishino glares at him. "After being in a tank this long—it's not likely."

" _Try_ ," he rasps. He doesn't regret—he doesn't have time—energy—to regret. Her face blurs.

Someone stands over him. Arima. Fitting. Arima can't even see. "God of death," mutters Furuta. "Figures."

"I'm sorry," Arima tells him.

 _For what? I was never your brother._ He smiles. "She—loved me once."

Eto cackles. Furuta doesn't even care. "Don't—let them start the CCG again."

"You damaged it beyond repair," comes Matsuri's voice. He's outside of Furuta's line of vision, and he can't turn his head to see him. It's too late to save him, isn't it? And they're not even trying. He doesn't blame them. But there's a part of him that screams, flails like a child even as his remaining limbs feel heavy, weighted to the ground. _Save me, somebody save me!_

"I just showed—everyone—what you were always about," Furuta rasps.

"My father and I—"

It cracks. "At the very least—he loved—I heard—you don't get—complain—I—" He never heard that, except now, from a deranged Rize. He never heard it from his father. He looked just like the rapist and he never was even given a nod, much less a smile. Yoshitoki barely even looked at him, though any fool could see they were brothers, but no one wanted to see it, so they didn't.

He spots Ui standing there, and Hairu. And their baby. They have a family. She has what she wanted, the bubbly pink princess, and he—he wants to cry. _Live, you fucking idiots. Save each other._ "Save—" he tries to say. _Me_. "Please."

"The CCG will never come back," says Ui, voice shaking. "I'm committed to justice."

At the very least, Ui gets it now. Furuta could almost smile, but his lips feel too frozen. The hope of the Arima squad. He really is. He's hope, and that baby, that princess, they're fueling his flames, and he's fueling theirs, and _good_.

Arima crouches down, and though he can't see Furuta, his fingers rest on Furuta's face. He wipes some of the blood away. "Get him his own arm—we have to try—"

"Stop!" Furuta barks out.

Arima looks down at him. "They saved me."

"So?"

"I'm your brother," Arima says, and it's like a dam opened. Furuta's eyes leak. Arima's trying. It's hopeless, and he's trying, still. Why?

Brother.

His own vision darkens. He can barely see Arima now, just a blur of white hair.

"I'm sorry," Arima says to him. "I'm so sorry, Nimura."

Someone holds out his severed arm to him. Arima tears some of the flesh off, tries to stuff it in Furuta's mouth. It tastes terrible.

_She loved me._

_He called me brother._

_Someone thinks my life matters._

Instead of swallowing, he channels his energy to smiling.

_Thank you._

"You fucking idiot," complains the witch's voice. "You're gonna owe me so much for this, Kishou, and I intend to collect."

Something stuffs Furuta's mouth. He almost gags.

"Eat or I'll fucking kill _her_ ," Eto threatens. Her blurred face appears in front of him. "Don't think I won't, Nimu-Kichi-whatever you're calling yourself these days. I know how to hurt you, too. You don't get to die. Not after what you did to her. Death's too easy."

Furuta wrenches himself backwards. And then realizes he can move. His own disgusting flesh slides down his throat.

"Live, and suffer," Eto hisses. "For what you did to Shiono, you bastard."

"Live," says Arima. "Because neither of us should have been what we were, and if we die, that's all we'll ever be." A smile crosses his lips. "Live to spite them."

Furuta glares. Eto shoves more meat down his throat. "Fucking eat."

His eyes find Rize, struggling. He shakes his head.

* * *

Hajime just stares. He doesn't look happy, or sad. He looks envious. Matsuri gapes.

Ui swallows. Masanori still sobs.

Nishino Kimi looks at them, desperate. "I—"

"That medicine you have," says Hirako. "Can it be used to save this girl?" He gestures to Rize, because that's who it has to be. Hairu's eyes fill with tears.

Kimi shakes her head. "It's used for the—reanimated dead. To extend their lives."

"Extend?" Ui demands. He glances at Hairu. "Then—for—"

"Yes, it can slow the aging," Kimi interrupts. "Not reverse what's already happened—and a half-human would probably only need it once every couple days. A dead person needs it once every few hours."

"Can it help him?" asks Matsuri, nodding to Furuta, gray still tinging his skin.

Kimi nods.

"Give it to him," Matsuri says, voice disgusted.

Saiko buries her face in her hands. Hsiao sucks in her breath. "Give it to the living," Saiko says, her voice small. "To Hsiao. To Hairu, to Masanori—let the dead pass." Her voice cracks. "I just want Urie and Mucchan to say goodbye this time."

"I want to say goodbye, too," whispers Kaneki.

Ui can barely believe it. "You can—slow the aging—"

Kimi nods.

Ui feels as if he's going to pass out.

Takizawa stumbles away from Amon and Akira. Akira hesitates, and then she reaches out for him. He stiffens as she wraps her arms around him, and then caves, embracing her.

"I told him you were both getting involved," Kurona says. "He wasn't really after Kanou at all."

"Shut up!"

"You shut up!"

"Why did you leave?" Akira demands. "When I woke up—they told me you—helped me—but then _you weren't there,_ you idiot!"

Hairu nods as if egging her on. Ui's vision blurs for a second, and then he focuses on Hairu, and it's all okay.

"… wanted you to be happy," Takizawa says, gulping. "I saw how the two of you looked at each other."

Ui remembers how Hairu looked at Arima. He wonders. If Arima had looked at her the same way, would he have been able to leave her?

He doesn't know if he could have. _A ghoul has more courage than I do._ He tries to smile at Takizawa, but Takizawa's overcome by Akira grabbing him and telling him never to do that again. "I wanted somebody to fight for me and stay fighting for me, not run away and leave because they couldn't face me! Trust me a little more!"

"Why should I?" Takizawa demands. "You ran."

Akira pales. Amon lowers his head.

"Kishou," comes Eto's voice. She stands in front of another tank. "It's my father."

Arima lets go of Furuta's limp head. Kimi grabs Furuta, injecting him with a substance. Furuta cries out. Arima gets to his feet.

"And there's Arata," she adds. "Ken, you should call Touka and Ayato."

"They're not sane," says Kimi. "They're not—Rize was far more cognizant than they will be. I don't think we can let them out."

"Then let them go," Eto says. "But not before the Kirishimas get to say goodbye." She turns from her father.

"I'll call Touka," Kaneki says, voice low.

"Eto," says Arima.

She looks up at him. And then she turns and presses her palm against the glass of the tank, and leans her forehead against it. Her eyes close. "Goodbye, Father."

Ui watches as Kaneki turns to a ghoul wrapped in a sheet. Scarecrow.

He takes Scarecrow's hand.

And then Ui sees the floor flying towards him. _Oops_.

* * *

The sound of a baby giggling taps at Ui's eardrums, poking him awake. He knows that giggle. _Masanori!_

Laughing. They're okay. His mind spins with images of the Garden, of the lab, of V and Hairu and Shirazu and Furuta, being forced to live. Someone's fingers run over his scalp. He's lying on his right side. His left shoulder and left arm spark in pain. Oh, right. He doesn't have a left arm.

But she came for him. They saved their son. Ui struggles to pull his brain away from drifting off into an ocean of sleep again. He needs to see them. He needs to prove it to himself. They're okay. _I love them._

"His laugh is cute," Ui hears Arima's voice saying.

"He's the cutest baby ever," Hairu declares, voice strong. And okay. Her fingers comb through Ui's hair, twisting the strands.

"Well, I can't see him, but he likes to laugh, at any rate."

"He's got my disposition." Hairu says. Ui cringes inside. "Poor Koori's going to have his hands full."

"I doubt he'll mind," Arima says.

"Nah, he won't," Hairu says. "He loves us." There's no hesitation in her voice. Is she _braiding_ his hair?

Ui cracks his eyes open.

"Koori!" Hairu's face fills his vision. "You're okay!"

"Huh?" he rasps. He fumbles to reach for his hair.

She grabs his face, kissing him. Ui coughs. "I was so worried!"

"Mmph?" Ui stirs.

"You passed out," Hairu says, cupping the back of his head. With her free hand she unravels what is definitely a braid. "It was too much for you—see, I knew you shouldn't have been running around after losing your arm—"

"Careful, Hairu," Ui manages. "You're starting to sound like me." The room solidifies behind her. He's in a small bedroom with too many roses to be anywhere other than some place associated with the Tsukiyamas.

Hairu cackles. She gets to her feet and takes Masanori from Arima, laying the baby down next to him. Ui manages to smile. "Are you in a lot of pain?"

"No." His arm just feels like someone took a hacksaw to it.

"Liar."

"Fine. A fair amount."

"I'll get medicine." Arima exits, and Hairu turns back to Ui.

"What happened?" he ekes out.

Hairu scrambles to her feet and grabs a glass of water, holding it out to him. She helps him sit up. He groans. "The CCG's destroyed."

"Really?" Ui's eyes bulge.

She nods. "Everything's still—very chaotic. Tsukiyama took us back here. Saiko and Mutsuki and Urie—they were able to say goodbye to Shirazu."

Ui nods, swallowing the water. It's cool on his throat. "Good."

Masanori rolls over, beaming at him. Ui reaches his right arm out for his son. Hairu picks up the baby and deposits him on Ui's lap. Ui hands the glass back from her and reaches out to hold his son up in a sitting position.

"I was so scared for you." She swallows. "I can only—imagine what you felt—when Arima set things up to look like I was dead. Koori, I'm sorry."

He gulps. "But you weren't dead."

"Nope." Hairu bites her lip. "Koori, Nishino Kimi—she says they have enough of that medicine—to keep me alive for decades. And Shio, Rikai, Yusa—and Masanori. And by then they might have come up with another scientific cure." Her lips tremble. "I might not die after all."

Ui shakes his head. "You better not." She'll live. She'll _live_.

She leans over him, lips sinking into his. Masanori whimpers, and Hairu pulls away, laughing. He realizes the ring still sparkles on her fingers and smiles.

"And you better not get captured on me again," says Hairu. "Or die on me, Ui Koori, because I was terrified. I was going to rally the entirety of Goat to save you."

"You pretty much did," he points out. A lump grows in his throat. _I really mean that much to you?_

She cups his face in her hands. "Juuzou seems to be getting along pretty well with the Garden kids."

"Good."

"I have no idea what's going to happen to the world," Hairu confesses. "But—I think V is—done for. Kaneki and Arima and Marude broadcast the truth about the Sunlit Garden." She lowers her eyes. "And they used me in it, so—your parents probably saw if they watched the news at all. I don't think they'll be thrilled."

"They already weren't," Ui says. "They came to the jail. They—" He can't continue. He doesn't want to remember or repeat what they said about Masanori.

Hairu falls silent. He's sure she can imagine. "You mentioned it in your drug-induced haze. I'm sorry," she says finally.

Ui shrugs and then winces. He'll ignore what she said about him on paid meds. "It's not—it is what it is. I—" He looks down at Masanori, who's unwinding with one of the buttons from Ui's vest. "Hairu, make sure he doesn't eat that!"

She snatches the button. Masanori wails.

"I'd never turn my back on him," Ui says, voice rough. "I don't care. Even if he turned into Tsukiyama Shuu 2.0."

Hairu nods. Masanori tries to reach for the button. She holds it out of reach and Masanori lets out an indignant screech.

"We're murderers," Ui says again.

"Yeah. But we're alive." Hairu's lips tremble. "So is Furuta. He's in jail, though. But Arima wants to go see him again."

Ui nods.

"He's wretched," Hairu says again. "But... I don't hate him. He just wanted to be loved." She grips her knees, and Ui knows what she means without her saying it.

He licks his lips. "I love you."

She turns to him, kissing him again. When she pulls back, Ui frowns as he takes in more of the room. "Please tell me those aren't actual diamonds on the mirror."

Hairu rolls her eyes, lifting Masanori up, The baby pouts.

 _I love you,_ Ui thinks again. _We're going to be all right._

Arima returns with a bottle of pain pills. Hairu shakes one out and hands it to him. "Saiko said I should record you high on this. Let me tell you, Koori, you were hilarious in the car yesterday."

 _Oh no. What did I say?_ He doesn't want to know. "I'll just sleep."

"Not if yesterday is any indication."

Ui squeezes his eyes shut. "I will. I won't talk at all."

"You might not talk," Hairu agrees. "But what if you start singing?"

"Hairu, no!"


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter! I hope you like sweet stuff.

"You definitely didn't plan on this, did you?" hisses Hirako, clapping Ui on the shoulder. The smell of gardenias and lilies and roses is almost overpowering, but that's what Hairu wanted.

Ui shakes his head. "Tsukiyama insisted."

"Yeah, I figured." An almost-smile twitches over Hirako's face. He's wearing a dark suit. "Congratulations."

Ui swallows and nods. His parents didn't come, not that he expected them to, or even wanted them to. He does plan to mail them a picture of himself and Hairu and Masanori, just in case they want to see. They can burn it, or they can throw it away, or they can keep it.

Karren appears next, arching her eyebrows. She, too, is dressed in a tux, but with diamond earrings. "It's time, Bowl Cut."

Ui scowls at her. He tugs at his sleeve, hanging loose.

"If you hesitate, I will hunt you down and skewer you," Karren warns. "Fuck those new ghoul laws and everything everyone is working for."

Ui glares. "I wouldn't even think of that! That wasn't it at all."

"I know, idiot." Karren blows out her breath, sending lavender hair flying. "I'm teasing you."

"It wasn't funny," he informs her. His palm, slick with sweat, slips against the material.

She shrugs, playing with one of her earrings. "It doesn't feel real or something?"

Ui blinks.

"Yeah, I know how that goes," Karren says. She glances at her shoes.

 _With Tsukiyama_?

"I loved him for so long," she admits. "Practically from the first time I saw him."

"When she called me my first name," Ui says. "By mistake. She was so embarrassed—and I told her it was fine, I didn't mind. And she was so skilled, and she laughed all the time, and—" He stops.

Karren gives him a small smile.

 _We can relate,_ Ui realizes. A human and a ghoul. An investigator and someone whose family and later household were killed by ghoul investigators he commanded.

"It's time," Karren repeats, and this time Ui lets her lead him out to the wooden altar in this small church where he waits. Stained glass shows images of a baby in a manger, a god rising from the dead. Ui's lungs constrict in his chest as Tsukiyama plays the piano.

And the doors open, and Hairu appears, Arima holding her elbow and escorting her. But she's looking at _him_ , not at Arima. She doesn't so much as glance at Arima when he slips away and Ui takes her hand. She looks like a princess, lace draping her.

" _Touka told me ghouls get married by leaving bite marks in each others' shoulders," Hairu reported, changing into her pajamas._

_Ui froze. "No."_

" _Why not?" Hairu giggled, climbing on top of him. Her lips brushed his shoulder, her teeth scraped his skin, but she just kissed him._

His voice trembles, and Ui realizes he has tears in his eyes, but so does she.

" _Since you said I can call you Koori, does that mean I get a promotion?" Hairu chirped, years ago. She dunked a melon bun in coffee._

" _No!" Ui burst out, aghast._

" _Soon?" She batted her eyelashes, stuffing her mouth with the melon bun. "Wiff ew ash mah pahnah I fink—"_

" _Talk with your mouth closed!" Ui squawked._

 _Hairu swallowed, but made no apologies. She just grinned at him. "With you as my partner, I think I can get promoted pretty soon. I heard you're a great investigator. The hope of the Arima squad." She winked, and Ui felt his face burning, and kicked himself._ No, no you don't, Koori!

"You may kiss the bride."

 _Ui lay there, the second night they spent together. Hairu slept with her back to him, and he listened to her breaths, slow and steady._ You really want to be with me?

 _At the very least, he knew it wasn't a one time thing_. _And while part of him kicked himself for getting involved with a younger colleague like this, part of him still felt like he was floating, because she initiated. She wanted to be with him. And she was such a good person, and his biggest fear was that he didn't deserve her._

She's smiling. And her green eyes are glowing, and she's looking at him like the sun's shining from him when it's really from her.

Ui presses his lips against hers, hand pressing the small of her back. _You really do want me._

_You love me._

_I love you_.

Someone who sounds an awful lot like Shio lets out a wolf whistle, and another voice that sounds like Hajime tries to copy, but fails. Ui's face burns, but Hairu, she laughs.

* * *

"Well," Eto says. "The twerps got married."

Arima nods. He's happy for them. And the world he and Eto gave everything to build—their humanity, their goodness—it might just come to fruition.

Arima's chest tightens. He rises and walks over to them, passing what sounds like Kaneki trying to get a very pregnant Touka to eat more, Akira laughing with Takizawa, Mutsuki drunk and giggling and and teasing Urie, and Higemaru and Aura protesting a makeout session that's likely between Saiko and Hsiao. He hears Fueguchi Hinami and Kirishima Ayato laughing together, and Yomo Renji's voice, and then his laughter stops.

Some will never forgive him.

He doesn't fault Yomo.

Arima makes his way towards the head table, Eto holding his arm and guiding him. "Congratulations," Arima says.

"Thank you," says Ui.

"I'm—" His chest throbs again. "Really proud of you both."

Ui sucks in his breath.

"Thank you," Hairu says.

Arima nods, and then he walks away.

The RC cells they're giving Hairu, Masanori, Hsiao, Kaneki, Mutsuki, Urie, Takizawa, and Amon should slowly their aging to normal rates for years. Kimi offered it to Arima too, and he's been taking it mostly because Eto yelled at him too. But he's already old enough, and the effects of aging can't be reversed. He probably doesn't have long to live. Maybe a few years. Maybe ten, if he's lucky.

He's surprised how much he hopes it's longer. Furuta's still kept under lock and key for now, a prisoner. Hearing his brother scream about how he didn't want to live every single day pokes Arima with memories. He wants Furuta to live. _I'm no better._

_"But she still wants to be with you," Furuta sneered. "Everyone worshipped you. They hated me."_

_"I don't hate you," he said._

_"I do," commented Eto._

"Can we go somewhere quiet?" Arima asks Eto. She acquiesces, taking him to a different room. He groans and eases himself down.

She grabs his hand. "Thank you," he ekes out.

For being there.

For not leaving.

Her fingers press his face. _You made life worth living again._

He remembers her losing her father, watching as he died in that tank. She hadn't said anything to him, but he felt her hand stiffen in his grip, and that night, she curled up and didn't want to talk. Just like he doesn't want to talk now, because the relief is so great. He didn't ruin everything for Ui and Hairu.

Eto's lips find his, driving in. Neither of them are good people. Maybe that was the fairytale all along, that they could be good, when all they could do was love and live. "That dumb Kirishima wants to have us over for coffee next week," Eto mumbles in his ear.

 _Touka_. Kaneki really found someone special. "Sounds good."

She stops, leaning her head against him, and she's enough, or part of enough. The air smells like her hair and flowers and singed wicks. He hears so many voices around them. Hirako's. Shio's, and Yusa's, and even Rikai's. Kaneki's. And he hears Masanori, giggling.

* * *

"I don't know how to feel about being back here," Hairu says.

Ui nods. His hand rests on her shoulder. She leans against his chest. He's still self-conscious about his missing arm, but she doesn't care. She helped him change the dressings for weeks, and now it's healed, but scarred.

Mutsuki stands to Hairu's left, Urie's hand on the small of his back. He's not wearing his eyepatch. Akira sits with some of the children, watching them paint. Takizawa helps one child tear the petals off a flower.

" _Amon has some things to figure out," Akira told her. "With Donato and all."_

" _He still needs to learn that he can love him and hate what he did," Ui said to her after he spoke to Amon._

" _Since when did you learn that?" Hairu teased, and Ui looked across the old CCG office they were standing in, straight at Tsukiyama and Karren._

Flowers bloom all around them. Pink roses, iridescent hyacinths, white lilies. But there's still no laughter. It will take time, Hairu thinks.

"This place is strange," Ui comments, looking around. She hasn't been there since the night they rescued Ui and Masanori.

"It's nostalgic being back here," Hairu responds, crouching down. She sets Masanori's feet down. He's too young to walk, but he can stand up if she holds him by the waist. He reaches for a daisy and plucks the petals off, throwing them in the air with a laugh. "Silly Melon Bun."

Juuzou's been working with some of the kids left here regularly. Kaneki said something to her the other day. _The soul is healed by being with children._ It's from a Russian writer he likes. If there's any hope for the world, it's through these kids. Which is why they've all been visiting as regularly as they can, and also working with the Oggai. Today Mutsuki and Urie brought about five of the Oggai, including Hajime, to meet the Garden kids. So far it seems to be going okay. At the very least no one has tried to kill anyone.

"This was no place to grow up," Ui says, voice quiet. "It was wrong."

Hairu looks up at him. His eyes smolder, and she knows that if there was a time machine he'd travel back for her. But there's no need now. "But I survived it." She wouldn't go back even if she could. But if she had to, she would choose not to grow up here.

Ui nods.

"Hey," says Takizawa.

"Hey," says Hairu, looking up at him. Masanori waves. Takizawa blinks, glancing around as if Masanori must surely be waving at someone else. But he's not, and Takizawa swallows, sheepishly waving back. The baby giggles. "You're taking Kimi's medicine, right?"

Takizawa nods. He stuffs his hands in the pockets of his baggy pants. "Not sure what the point is, though."

"Why not?" Hairu demands. She scoops Masanori up and stands. Ui frowns at the ghoul.

"Someone like me," Takizawa says. "Others deserve it more. But Akira asked me to, so."

"Because she wants you to live," says Hairu.

"I know." He sighs. "People still look at me like—you know."

"I do know," Ui says in a low voice.

"Huh?" Hairu blinks.

"Furuta told me—when I was in prison—about being a murderer," Ui ekes out, the word clearly still bitter for him to say. But true, and right to say, and if it was right, Ui would do it. "Of ghouls—still murder. I just thought it was right, but it wasn't."

"Mr. Justice Ui Koori considers himself a murderer?" Takizawa snorts. "Give me a break."

"You're a smart-ass," Hairu retorts.

"Hairu, the kid!" Ui cries.

"Ui, he's like eight months old."

"Hairu, I don't want his first words to be _smart-ass!"_

Takizawa cackles.

Silence echoes. The smell of the flowers is no longer sweet. It's sickening. Hairu's stomach turns.

"How do you get up each day, then?" Takizawa asks, looking at Ui. "By telling yourself you had no choice or were just doing what you thought was—"

Ui's face reddens. "I have a kid. And her." Now his face looks like a cherry. "And she knows."

 _And I'm still here, and you know, and you're here_.

"What are you going to tell him?" Takizawa asks, nodding to Masanori.

"I have no idea," Hairu confesses. Ui looks as if he wants to vanish just thinking about it.

Takizawa nods, pressing his lips together.

"She loves you," Hairu says suddenly. "She always has, Takizawa. You, and Amon. She told me, after you both—after she thought you both were dead."

"Mado?" Takizawa snorts.

"Can you really doubt it?" Hairu asks. "She knows what you are—were. And she still took those blows for you."

Takizawa snorts.

"Talk to her," Hairu encourages.

"Maybe I will," says Takizawa. He nods. "Thanks."

Masanori coos. He reaches out his arms for Takizawa.

"What's it doing?" asks Takizawa, backing up. Masanori strains.

"He likes your hair, probably," Hairu says.

"My son is not an _it_ ," snaps Ui.

"Oh." Takizawa looks as if he's about to shrink when Hairu approaches. Masanori chirps, grabbing a fistful of his hair and giving it a yank. "Ow!"

"Easy, Melon Bun," Hairu says.

The baby throws his arms out for Takizawa.

Ui curses. "Fuck."

"Ha!" Hairu yells. "Hypocrite!"

" _Hairu!"_

"Hold him; I need to mock my husband." Hairu shoves Masanori into Takizawa's arms and jumps up and down in Ui's face. "Who's the swearer now, Ui Koori? What if Masanori's first work is _fuck_? What's better? _Smartass_ or _fuck_? Which do you prefer?"

Ui moans.

"Cute," comments Akira.

Hairu turns to see her approaching, smiling wryly as Masanori grabs a fistful of Takizawa's cheek.

But Takizawa's laughing.

* * *

 _Finally_. Ui unlocks his apartment door, a bag full of melon buns hanging from his arm. He'll have to cook tonight, too, because Hairu trying to cook set off the smoke alarms in their building three times already. Once in the middle of the night, after Masanori fell asleep after two hours of wailing.

There's talk of creating a new police force with humans and ghouls to enforce laws on ghouls. There's no peace, not yet, but at least there's consideration of it.

"Hairu?" he calls.

"In here," she calls from their small bedroom. Ui pauses, seeing Masanori fast asleep in the crib.

Ui pushes open the door. "I bought—" He freezes, dumbfounded. "What the hell are you wearing?"

Hairu turns to him, fighting a grin. She wears a tiger-striped romper, a headband with tiger ears, and gloves that she curls up at him. "I'm a tiger."

"But why?"

"Because I look cute?" She giggles.

"You look weird," he states. "I have to make dinner."

"No!" Hairu protests. She pounces on him from behind, wrapping her arms around him and pretending to paw at his chest. " _Koori_ ," she complains.

"If this was supposed to seduce me, it's—"

"You don't like it?" Hairu exclaims.

Ui gulps and turns around. A smirk grows on Hairu's face as he focuses on the way it cinches at her waist, how the soft fabric dangles over her thighs. "You look—beautiful as always."

"Not as always."

"No," he agrees. _Fuck_.

"I knew it would shock you," Hairu proclaims. "Karren and I were searching for a way to do that. She suggested I wear it on Halloween, but—"

"Please don't; my heart can't take it," Ui tries to joke. The rest of their bedroom—small bed, and horse pictures Hairu insisted on getting from a secondhand shop even though they aren't that great—fades. He can still smell the flowers, though, the ones he buys Hairu every week.

Hairu claps her hands together. "If you don't want me wearing it, you can take it off me." She prances over to the side of the bed and wiggles her eyebrows.

"That's not sexy," Ui informs her even as he kicks off his shoes. "Hairu, that thing has a tail! What the hell?"

"I was thinking Masanori needs a little sibling," says Hairu.

Ui rolls his eyes and grabs a condom, foil wrinkling under his fingers. "He's not even a year old yet."

"I want him to have a happy family," says Hairu, getting to her knees. "All the things I didn't have."

The thing he didn't have, either. Masanori might not have horses or prestigious schools, but he'll have them. Ui nods and crouches on the bed, leaning forward to kiss her. Every time he kisses her, his heart still beats like a schoolboy's. _She likes me. She loves me. She married me_.

Hairu pulls his hand up and kisses his ring. Her hands reach to tug his tie, pull him over her. She fumbles to undo the buttons on his shirt. He struggles to find the zipper on this costume. His hand pins hers, shirt gaping open, and he plies her gloves off. Breathless, he pulls back, looking in her huge green eyes.

"Aw, Koori," she whispers, her hand coming up to cup his face. They drift to his stump of an arm, and she leans up to kiss it. He tugs the zipper down. She's not wearing anything underneath.

 _You gave me hope._ And when she presses her lips against his throat, he knows he gave her hope as well. She slides her hands down his hips, unbuttoning them and shoving them down. Her arms wrap around his waist, holding him and guiding him. He kisses her breasts. He knows now the way she bites her bottom lip when he starts, the moments she'll squeeze her eyes shut and her fingers tighten on his back, how her mouth will reach for his just before, and her face when she starts trembling always looks different. today her mouth opens, and her eyes focus on him, and her name is the only thing he can say.

He lays his head on her chest. She kisses his scalp. "Guess what."

"Huh?" Ui arches his head back, looking up at her. She squirms out from under him.

"You're dense," she informs him. "Hints still go way over your head, don't they?"

"Huh?" Ui repeats. He props himself up on his one elbow. She brings her face close to his. Sweat glistens on her skin.

She reaches out to pluck a strand of his hair off his cheek. "I'm two days late."

"For what?" Ui asks, mind still foggy. And then it hits. "Holy shit!"

"We haven't been great about condoms. You didn't put it on today."

"Fuck."

"Last time you said you wanted to know right away," Hairu reminds him. "I mean. I don't know. But."

"I'll buy you a test," Ui says. He can't wrap both arms around her anymore, but she wraps hers around his. "I'll stay with you while you take it."

"You stay out while I pee."

"Fine." _I've done it again? I'm the worst._

"Stop," Hairu snaps, tapping his temple. "Don't get upset. Whatever the result is. I'll be happy. You'll be here. We have a family."

 _And you're here. And you're not going to die young_. Ui gulps. "Hairu… Hirako will never let us live this down if it's positive."

"Well," says Hairu. "I don't think you're awful."

 _You know what I'm thinking_. He smiles at her.

"I think you make me happy," Hairu adds.

"I think I love you," Ui says.

"I think you married me."

"I think you look cute even as a tiger."

Hairu rolls her eyes. "I think you look sexy without your arm."

Ui moans. "I think you should shut up."

"I think you should make me."

"Hairu, I kind of can't move right now because I only have one arm and you're holding me."

Hairu launches herself over him, driving her mouth down into his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this all the way through! I loved writing it.


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